Tag Archives: Weightloss

I Am Officially A Published Author!!!!!!!

So as most of you know I have been writing for a while and I have hit stumbling blocks. But I have written and submitted several pieces to different well-known blogs…and Dun dun DDDDUUUUUUNNNNN…One of them decided they wanted to work with me to publish one of my pieces.

Today Elephant Journal published a piece that I wrote straight from te heart. It is about a stigma that is surrounding our culture today. A stigma that I don’t want my kids to fall victim to it, even though it swallows me whole and has for a very long time.

This piece is called Skin Envy and it would mean the world to me if you read it. I would love for you to share it, reblog it, tweet it, read it to your dog, cat or the homeless guy that lives under the bench down the street. I cried when it was published. It is so near and dear to my heart.

Much love




We Have Apples

So there is this wonderful mental illness blog that I follow by Rachel Griffin called We Have Apples. A little bit ago she had put up a post asking for pictures, both uplifting and at our times of trouble to put in a music video for a project she is doing. Let me give it to yo in her own words (it pasting it from her site)

“As a lot of you know, I’m a singer/songwriter in New York City with a fabulous life…. and a mental illness! (the two can go together! And errr.. it wasn’t always that way! LOL) I am so passionate about mental health awareness, ending the stigma, and connecting with other warriors like you! I am also writing a musical about these topics.More about the mental health musical I’m writing, We Have Apples, can be found on the website. You can also hear songs there. (But the song for this video is not released, yet- You’ll be the first to hear it, though!) If you want, you can sign up for the show’s mailing list to be kept posted on the development!:)

I was just selected as a Dramatists Guild Fellow, which means this year I will be working on developing We Have Apples with Broadway professionals!

More about my career as a singer/songwriter at: Rachel Griffin Website. This info I’m giving is not because I want to brag, but I want to tell you a little about my career so you know this song and video we are going to make will be high quality and could do very well! 🙂 I’ve won two National songwriting contests, recently wrote a song for an internal Macy’s campaign, and I have a publishing deal for a few of my pop songs.”

Well I participated in this as mental health is a very important subject to me….Obviously. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will get to work it Rachel in the future. But here it is…..My debut in a music video….Pass and share it is so important!!!!

Just to Clarify…..About last night

I was very upset. I think I have every reason in the world to be very upset. After a year full of crap and sick and blah blah blah (sorry I’m really looking forward to Hotel Transylvania 2) I was finally in a good mood. I was having a phenomenal me day, running errands nd so forth and when I got home from picking up the kids, there were two letters in my mail box. Both from doctors offices, both handwritten addresses. One from Neuro one from Bariatric….As I opened both letters I stopped breathing for a moment and my heart was yanked out of my chest. Not only was I being told that I was no longer apart of the Bariatric program, but I wasn’t a part of the program for psychiatric reasons.

Excuses me? I see a therapist once a week and those are for my own reasons, and I’m pretty sure that when you are going through major weight loss surgery my therapist is part of my support team. Not to mention this therapist had way too much interest in my sex life. She gave me a paper to give to my therapist whom I haven’t seen yet.

But the paper I got back said that my doctor and the team got together and said I wasn’t a candidate for surgery. His team? Arent I part of the team? You know, the person who is having surgery. But I was dropped for psych reasons. The patient that dropped 40 pounds before lapband surgery and did SO WELL last time can’t finish the LAST MONTH of her program. I quit smoking, I’ve been working out and you can’t even tell me why not?

Were my goals not good enough for you. That my BMI is 55 and that I weigh over 300 pounds and can barely walk, all because of everything that’s happened. I have maybe MAYBE 3 outfits that fit anymore. I have NO CLOTHES.

I am devastated, I am angry and most of all I am lost. All I want to do is cry. I am in pain. and I want to cry.

I hope the messages I left at other places work. Of else I have no idea what I am going to do.


Tonight I am Authoring (and Editing)


Tonight I sent out a survey to people because I needed to know that they were important to me. I wanted them to know they have a place in my heart my music and my stories. I am also gleaning information from them as I go, for playlists and other things. I asked a few simple questions and I am actually semi nervous of the responses. Here was my tiny survey…


Alright so here is the scoop. I am in the process of writing 3 books.

The reason I am messaging you is because you were an important turning point in my life. Whether we were friends with so much tension you could cut it with a knife, lovers, in love, in a relationship or something else…You touched and changed my life in a very big way.

I am not asking to use your name in a book, I am just asking a few questions that would help me shape some of the stories, name some of the chapters and really get a sense of what the other half thought of what we had.

So here we go..

If you had to pick a song that describes what went on between us what would it be and why (artist and title please so I can put it on a playlist for inspiration)

If you had to pick a song that reminds you of me what would it be and why? (artist and title please)

Favorite memory of us non sexual(you can totally do a sexual too if you want)

What do you think brought us together?

Did I make a significant change in your life?

Anything else you would like to add?


We will see what they have to say, in the meantime I am editing one of my FAVE author’s new WIP’s and wanting to hop in a plane and hit her with pickles because she touches my heart. I am also learning about becoming a Shakeology coach and kinda paying attention to America’s got Talent.


Charming is in the ER for his back and I am not asleep and I am trying to sta that way. I want to write but I need music. Inspiration. A muse. Whom I had earlier but got lost somewhere between therapy and kids not wanting to sleep. So here is a bunch of pictures for inspiration and if you have anything to say go for it.


I would Love to hear what you want to read about. What would YOU like a book to say?





Trigger Warnings, Sex and all that other Fun Jazz

There are a lot of blogs out there that have a disclaimer up that you have to be above the age of legal consent (18) to read it. I don’t believe in warnings like that i want this blog to be able to be read by anyone and everyone that wants to. I have a lot of information on it that I wish I had an older sister to tell me as I was growing up, or eve a therapist. But I didn’t so here is the score my loves. I am going to try and moderate as best as I can but I ask you to use your discretion when it comes to reading.


Trigger Warnings –

Occasionally you will see this writen at the top of the post. The means in no way shape or form, if you have things that trigger a bad mental health state, PTSD or anything of the like you probably should not read what it says. Believe the warning. They can cover anything from suicide to teen pregnant, self harm to suicidal ideation, cutting to eating disorders, bipolarity to borderline. Rape to other forms of sexual PTSD.

PLEASE!! If any of these thing trigger you please don’t read these posts, and if you feel the urge to then talk to someone else about them after words, even me, I would happily expand on my thoughts feeling and anything else. I truly believe that people are meant to read the truth when they are ready to hand it.


Sex –

I have Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Tendencies. Sex will be a big part of my blog, in fact I am starting a whole page based off a book i am currently writing about sex. I am looking for contributors always and those who have different vices that their borderline brings out in them. Sex and sexual encounters is mine. I started writing a book about my encounters long ago. So a lot of my vice is in there, but all of my ultimate intimate stuff with be on a separate tab.


Fun Jazz-

I realize when I started to write this post, I was heavily medicated from a dental procedure and I tried to reread it…but alas could not. I will be writing about my past my present and my future. I will be turning around and going into clinical definitions of diagnosis and therapies. I will be including some of my fictional works, works from contributors and places to reach out for help should you need it.


Also there is a tab of stuff that I have wrote from my past, some of it goes back as far as elementary and middle school, some of it as new as last year. I would be honored if you read it and let me know what you thought.


This blog has become a place of refuge for me. A place that I can finally start my book, let the world know what I am thinking and reach out and help the people out there that don’t believe they deserve help, or don’t know where to get it.

Sparkle thoughts,




I ate a cake


Last night I ate a cake. A whole cake. Not because I was planning on eating a cake, just because it sort of happened. I was very very loopy on my random variety of pills and it was about 3am. As I stumbled through the house I made my way into the kitchen and saw an angel food cake covered in buttercream sitting on the counter. I don’t know how it got there considering Charming and I have been on our own for almost 2 weeks without the kids. But it had my name written all over it.

I grabbed a fork and dug in, it was light and airy and sugary and just sort of disappeared. I don’t know how long it took, but I stood there at the stove and just ate the cake. I heard Charming call my name, I am pretty sure that I went into the room and answered him but I totally went back into that kitchen and finished the cake…and then I hid the evidence. After polishing off the rest of a gallon of milk I stood there and thought…”Jeeeeez, I just ate a cake, a whole cake. Why did I eat a cake?”…

Yeah…no answer from the peanut gallery.

See I would sit here and say I was hiding it, but it is the reason I decided to write this blog in the first lace. Because I ate a fucking cake. A whole cake. A woman, who just found out that she gained almost a hundred pounds in a year, los a baby, is getting evicted needed to blog because she ate a cake. But I think that it is a break through. I have binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder sucks. And having it sucks even more. After having to hide for so long and sneak food because I grew up thinking that I had to hide eating because I was too big (I was a dancer and an athlete and not big at all) I think that eating a whole cake and standing behind it a positive experience.


Let’s classify Binge Eating Disorder shall we? 

According the the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) – “Binge Eating Disorder is a type of eating disorder that is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating”.-


  • Frequent episodes of consuming very large amount of food but without behaviors to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting.
  • A feeling of being out of control during the binge eating episodes.
  • Feelings of strong shame or guilt regarding the binge eating.
  • Indications that the binge eating is out of control, such as eating when not hungry, eating to the point of discomfort, or eating alone because of shame about the behavior.

Alright, now that we have that out of the way, basically binge eating disorder is in the same classification as Anorexia and Bulimia. It is actually the most common yet less talked about eating disorders out there, and most people that have it either hide it from you or don’t know that they have it themselves .

Have you ever eaten until you were so stuffed that you shouldn’t eat anymore but couldn’t stop yourself. Have you ever snuck into the kitchen and ate in hiding, hoping that no one would walk in so that you didn’t have to explain yourself? You feel this guilt and shame for eating so much but you don’t want to throw up and you can’t make yourself stop eating. You WANT to lose weight however, food is your comfort, food is your friend, it helps you get through everything. Good times, bad times. It is your best friend.

Let me tell you something now…..Go get help. Even if it’s from a friend at first. There may be a problem. You can make yourself sick, both mentally and physically. TRUST ME.

Binge Eating Disorder

I am not proud of eating that cake. I have struggled with BED my whole life. I have struggled with weight my whole life. I have always been that fat girl, I have always been that girl that had the sweet face. That great personality. With the way society was when i was younger being anything over a size 10 was wrong. What I have learned is that when you start to learn how to accept yourself and start to trust the people that care about you things do get better to deal with.

I am NOT proud of eating the cake. But I DID eat the cake. And for the first time in my life I am telling the world I ATE THE CAKE and DRANK THE MILK.

And today is a new day, with no cake…and lots of frozen grapes.