100 Pounds Gone!

​100 Pounds…100 POUNDS!!!!


That blows my mind. I can’t even fathom it and yet here it is. Proof in the photo, just like that. I’ve done it, I’ve lost 100 pounds. I couldn’t believe it this morning, bleary eyed on the scale. But there it was. I was so excited and I didn’t understand the whole scale selfie thing until that moment. I’ve worked so hard for so long and finally, it’s happened. Like a whole years worth of burdens off of my shoulders. I’ve lost an entire person. A person I held onto for much too long. Weighing me down, making me so unhappy. But that’s in the past now and the future is so bright I can feel it’s sparkle shine on my face. Look out world, I’M HERE!!!

Day 3 – Love Your Life in 30 Days

I can’t believe how quickly the days are going by. Winter break is over and tomorrow the kids are going back to school. I spent the day unplugged with them and we had a great time just spending time together, building things, cuddling and ending the day with a movie. I stepped on the scale for the first time since my 3 months check up with the doctor a week ago and I lost 3 pounds over the crazy holidays. 3 POUNDS! I wasn;t expecting to lose anything when I wasn’t being as strict with myself but the universe works in very mysterious ways I suppose *laughs*

I also signed back onto the Love your life in 30 days facebook page and found that my post yesterday has over 700 likes and so many comments I lost count. I was blown away with how many people I touched with my choice of themes for this year of change. I was taken aback by the outpouring of love, inspiration, and kindness from so many people around the globe. Everyone has been so supportive and sweet and it filled my heart with so much love. It really goes to show how many souls around the world there are that are ready for the world to change. How much kindness can do? How much love and hope there really is to make the world go around. This year is going to make a difference in so many people’s lives. I have talked to a handful of them and just to connect with other people who are taking this year as it comes, giving life their all and making the best with what they have and what the universe gives them is AMAZING.

Let’s dive into day 3 shall we

DAY 3: Get into the Details and Create a Sense of Excitement
Est. time: 9 minutes

On Day 1 you wrote down 5 general areas of your life where you want to create change over the next year. Now, let those general goals lead you to discover the specific details that excite you—the juicy, sexy, wonderful details that make your heart pound! This will ramp up your emotional connection to the goals you have. Make a list of the details that will be drawn into your life once those goals have manifested. Consider what you’ll see, what you’ll hear, and what you’ll feel. This activity is like creating a vision board, only using words instead of pictures.

Here are some examples (feel free to go into much greater detail):

ABUNDANCE: peace of mind, free time, lots of travel
RELATIONSHIP: best friends, treasured intimacy, space and independence
HEALTH: daily exercise, healthy cooking/eating, strength, and confidence
TRAVEL: exploration, meeting new people, peace, and serenity
CREATIVITY: writing/painting, inspiring others, self-expression

Here we go:

1. Health – Daily exercise, meal planning, eating healthy, strength in mind, body and spirit, getting outside with the kids, confidence, mental clarity, focus

2. Happiness – laughter, loving the little things, looking through my kid’s eyes, skipping, playing, reading, phtography, leaving my sparkle where I go, smiling, writing

3. Abundance – free time, working hard, letting my well of creativity overflow, peace of mind, time with friends, exploring new places, finishing school

4. Creativity – letting my mind do the talking, writing my book, working on my photography, building my website, blogging, sparkling, being a kid again, self-expression, inspiring others

5. Adventure – exploring, meeting new people, putting myself out there, traveling, being a kid

#tut30days

Day 2 – Love Your Life in 30 Days

Here we go guys. Onto Day 2 of this fun adventure. I had a really good time prioritizing what I really wanted to take forward with me into the New Year. Today is a little bit different but goes along with yesterday. I am feeling really positive about this.

Today we took the trip back home from where we were in NYC at my Mom’s house for the New Year. We had a great time and now we settle back into our daily routine I realized when I stepped through the door that there were a lot of things that I want to do. I want to clean out all the negative things in my life and really expand on the positive. I still have a lot of clutter from the past that I don’t need lingering around anymore. I can’t wait to step back into a few of the old routines but really start getting into new ones to start functioning in a more positive way. It is really going to be a great year!!!

Let’s see what is on the agenda for today shall we?

DAY 2: Create Your Theme(s)
Est. time: 7 minutes

Creating a theme helps you to nail down, stylize, and get excited about the changes that will soon be sweeping through your life. Choose a theme that resonates with you and write it down, using words that have special meaning to you. You may even wish to base it on one or more of your general areas for change from Day 1. Explain your theme’s importance and all of its fun ramifications. For example, if your theme is adventure that might mean: travel, trying new things, meeting new people, taking chances, exploring new places, leaving your comfort zone, and saying yes to new opportunities. You can even write down several themes and what each one means to you.

Here are some theme ideas:
• International world traveler
• Healthy, happy, and thriving
• Adventure, exploration, discovery
• Overflowing with abundance
• Living limitless and free
• Peace, harmony, and tranquility
• Living life to the fullest each day
• Making a difference in the world
• Creatively inspired and fulfilled
• Spiritually empowered
• The best year of my life
• Happily in love and loved

 

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Well let’s see the theme that I use to describe most of how I like to live is

Taking my sparkle back

This resonates to me because it encompasses all that I try to do in my life, with my health and my happiness. I had lost my sparkle a long time ago and I want to reach for the stars and get it back. So along with  TAKING MY SPARKLE BACK I am going to add the theme

Letting my well of creativity overflow with abundance

I want to use this year to let my creativity sparkle and shine. I want to let go of my fear that overwhelms and stops the flow of creativity. I want to let my creativity bring in the abundance that I know is in my future. So along with LETTING MY WELL OF CREATIVITY OVERFLOW WITH ABUNDANCE I am going to add one more thing theme that I think will round out all of my goals for the year and that is this

The best year of my life

That’s right, I am going to let the overall theme of this year be the best year of my life. I thin this theme is exactly right for the changes that will sweep through my life. And I have no doubts that it will be

THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!

 

So there you have it folks. My themes for this year. My day two. I hope this inspired you to think about your themes for the year and I hope your journey is going well. Take care of you and remember to leave a little sparkle wherever you go ❤

#tut30days

Day 1 -Love Your Life in 30 Days

So I signed up for this website www.tut.com and on it I found many interesting, wonderful and inspirational things. On it there’s this program to Love Your Life in 30 Days. There’s a FB group and notebook you can get to help you in your journey. I thought, why the hell not, what else have I got to lose? I have come so far from where I was a year ago, let’s go even further. 

I signed up for the group and introduced myself, told my story and posted my before and after pics. Over 600 likes and 220 comments later and I was blown away by the kinds, wisdom and support of strangers willing to take a chance on a girl whose words they just read on a screen. In lieu of the notebook I decided to blog my journey over the next 30 and share what I learn with you. If you feel so inclined, join me on this adventure, tell me how you’re doing, fill me in. I wish you luck, love and sparkles going into the next 30 Days 💖

DAY 1: TODAY write down at least 5 general areas of your life that you want to create change in and develop over the next year. 
Keeping your goals for change general is powerful because it gives the Universe power to orchestrate the details and figure out “how” your goals can manifest in the best way possible. On Day 3 you will have the chance to “dress up” these generalities with the juicy details that excite you!
Here are some examples of general areas for change: 

– Happiness

– Health

– Love

– Friendship

– Creativity

– Spirituality

– Adventure

– Abundance

My goals for change in the next year are as follows –

1. Health

2. Happiness

3. Abundance

4. Creativity

5. Adventure

There are goals within each of these goals that I think fit together. Some of these goals as I obtain them will, I believe, work together. But those are my top 5 goals for this upcoming year. 

Let’s see what tomorrow brings ☺

#tut30days

Weighing in on 2016 (I’ve come too far to turn back now)

​​The last #facetofacefriday of the year and I am looking at how far I’ve come. 

95 pounds down in 1 year. 95 pounds!!!

Starting weight -356 pounds

Current weight – 261 pounds

Sleeved – 9/26/2016


2016 has been quite a journey for me. Earth shattering lows that I thought I couldn’t possibly survive brought me more strength than I could ever imagine. This year has been a year of self discovery, change and learning how important #selflove really is. I have learned how important it is to look inside yourself and find your #innerstrength . I have found out how important it is to have a strong support system and surround yourself with the people that really care. As much as 2016 hurt it has made me that much more empowered. I am a #strongwoman a #proud #singlemom and looking forward to taking on 2017.  


Here’s to next year. A more fabulous me than I already am. Here’s to working hard, living life and sparkle thoughts. I can do it and so can you!

#motivation #lifegoals #verticalsleevegastrectomy #vsgcommunity #vsg #sleevelife

Home alone for the holidays

​There was only a short moment of video time to light the candles on the first night of Chanukah. There were no little voices on Christmas morning. No bright eyes or happy smiles to delight in the joy that Santa brought. My soul is missing their sweet faces. My heart is aching for them. Hours after I woke up I heard them for a few brief minutes. I tried to pile on the love as they distracted lyrics told me of all the joy he brought while they were there. Over a hundred miles away. 

I try to take solace in the fact that in two days they will be back in my arms. That we will still celebrate and it is only a day we missed not the spirit of the season. But I won’t lie, it’s not the same. To spend so much time raising to wonderful, amazing children and not be able to partake in their excitement hurts to the core. To have to split their lives in two, though logical is hard. And I want them to experience both sides of their parentage. I want them to know they are loved all over. I want them to know how many lives their being alive touches. But selfishly, I want them all for myself. They are my joy, my world and the light of my life. I am so proud to be their Mama. And this holiday season, this empty home has been hard on the heart. I can’t wait for them to come home.

Anniversary of a broken heart

The enormity of the memories that swarm around today just overtook me and I want to crawl out of the rockslide that just buried me. I remember everything. The laughter, the kisses, the sparkle in your eyes as you took my hands in your own and promised me forever. I remember how I held forever tighly in the palm of my hand but it slipped away like tiny grains of sand in an hourglass. I wonder where the time went. Two years, it would have been two years. Funny but I can’t remember the sound of your voice. Right now I would give anything to hear you say Good Morning Beautiful. Yet in the same breath I am so happy that I can’t. I know it would send me into a heart-shattering tail spin that I have finally been able to heal from. I can finally open my eyes each morning and not feel the heavy weight on my chest of you not being around. I don;t look to the pillow next to me just to watch you sleep. I don;t expect the texts during the day. Or wait for you to come home at night. I don;t wonder every moment how your day has been. I don’t ask myself every day what you could be doing at that second. You cross my mind from time to time, sometimes in anger but most of the time as a passing thought and I wish for you to be ok. I wonder if you wonder about me, the kids, the life you left behind. But days like this, the biggest of our lives, somewhere deep within my heart it resonates that you could be thinking of me too. I think about the things I could have gotten you, the words we would have spoken, the smiles we would have shared. What I would have made for dinner, what plans we would have come up with, if we would still be kissing like the first time we ever did. I remember how we were so excited to have made it through the first year and looked forward to so many to come. And then it was over, as if it had only been a dream really. A slow slide into fantasy for but a shimmering second. A trip but as quick and as brief into the Mistwood. One that can only happen once upon a December. I cannot hold anger anymore, it is too uch a weight to bear. But I hold a sadness there, that what we had, what we lived, what we felt was never cherished enough. That people only get to feel it but a few times in their lifetime and we let it pass us by. It’s days like these that I hope for you. I hope you found your simple life, the life that makes you the happiest, because I remember that smile, when we were at our happiest. On days like today when nothing could stop us. I cherish those memories. I cherish us, what we had and went through. The anniversary of our life together. The anniversary of my broken heart. I can’t remember your voice anymore. But I remember what your soul felt like. And for that I will always love you. I wish you all the best. Happy anniversary Charming.

Underneath the Surface

My soul feels ripped open. I feel exposed to the world unlike anything I have ever felt before and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I feel raw, like salt rubbed into an open cut or more appropriately, like too much hand sanitizer when you have fresh papercut that you didn’t know about. This holiday season is really dragging me down.

I have never been alone before. Without my kids. Without someone to hold me. I feel like it is the first time and it really is. I am not sure what to do without myself. Christmas lists left unattended. Presents left unbought and I am without hope on what to get. The person most important in my life is left presentless because I have no idea what to buy her. Years of friendship and I have not a clue what would make her smile. Not because I don;t know what has made her smile in the past but because I am flooded with too much emotion. Too much of the past comes rushing at me and it is a cacophony of feelings and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. So that is what I am doing. Crying. The kids are playing video games and I sit on the couch and weep because I am left helpless. I do not know what else to do. I sit here and wonder where I lost it all really. How I became a good luck charm to those in my past. I find myself invalidating all of the goodness I have done for myself and I realize that it is just holding me back from all the good I can do in the future. I realize I am backpedaling but am helpless in the moment to stop it. I know I know use my skills. Reevaluate. Don’t judge. But fuck all if that works right now in the moment. I grieve for all that I have lost. All the chances I have left behind. I wonder for the future. Am I doing what was right. What could I have done better. Could I have done any of it better. Are the pictures blurred because of the camera or the tears that drip down my cheeks. I don;t know anymore. I just really feel helpless. I will pull myself out of this. The snow that falls will make the day seem bright again. But for tonight I will let the pain drip out of me as I should have done in the past. Only then can I pick myself up again and really make tomorrow a better day. Only then will I know that I am whole again. I have to take the advice of those whom I should have listened to before. I deserve to mourn for what I have lost. Becuase it is then when I will figure out what I have truly found. Then I can celebrate all that I have achieved. Tomorrow I will begin anew.

Gentle Words

I used my words harshly today. I didn’t mean to, it was just the way they came out. I admonished instead of explaining. I scolded instead of entertaining the idea that the meaning of what was said was misunderstood. In brought down instead of listing up. I sent him off to school with out a smile on his face and now I feel a profound sense of guilt.

As a parent I know that it is easier to jump in at any moment and criticize instead of taking the time to understand. You get caught up in what is going on that instead of reaching out and finding the child within yourself you look at it at without taking the time to break it down as if you were the child yourself. It is one of our biggest fats. It rips our children to shreds as it can tear apart their small psyches. I try to not jump onto the bandwagon but sometimes I slip, this morning was one of those times.

I find it lately, specially during this time of year I get so caught up in my own head that I forget my mood effects theirs. They want my attention and love and I am just looking for an escape from the memory of yesteryear. I have not been paying the best attention to the world around me. But they are my world. I need to pull myself out of this funk. I need to put my priorities back in line. Catch up on what counts. Write more, sleep less. Stop letting the memories burden me and really just enjoy the now. Speak gently and let those snap judgements fall away. Later I’ll apologize for my harsh words and though I know I’ll be forgiven I hope that I didn’t leave a permanent mark. 

Be kind to yourself and to others

Xoxo