Day 1 -Love Your Life in 30 Days

So I signed up for this website and on it I found many interesting, wonderful and inspirational things. On it there’s this program to Love Your Life in 30 Days. There’s a FB group and notebook you can get to help you in your journey. I thought, why the hell not, what else have I got to lose? I have come so far from where I was a year ago, let’s go even further. 

I signed up for the group and introduced myself, told my story and posted my before and after pics. Over 600 likes and 220 comments later and I was blown away by the kinds, wisdom and support of strangers willing to take a chance on a girl whose words they just read on a screen. In lieu of the notebook I decided to blog my journey over the next 30 and share what I learn with you. If you feel so inclined, join me on this adventure, tell me how you’re doing, fill me in. I wish you luck, love and sparkles going into the next 30 Days 💖

DAY 1: TODAY write down at least 5 general areas of your life that you want to create change in and develop over the next year. 
Keeping your goals for change general is powerful because it gives the Universe power to orchestrate the details and figure out “how” your goals can manifest in the best way possible. On Day 3 you will have the chance to “dress up” these generalities with the juicy details that excite you!
Here are some examples of general areas for change: 

– Happiness

– Health

– Love

– Friendship

– Creativity

– Spirituality

– Adventure

– Abundance

My goals for change in the next year are as follows –

1. Health

2. Happiness

3. Abundance

4. Creativity

5. Adventure

There are goals within each of these goals that I think fit together. Some of these goals as I obtain them will, I believe, work together. But those are my top 5 goals for this upcoming year. 

Let’s see what tomorrow brings ☺


Weighing in on 2016 (I’ve come too far to turn back now)

​​The last #facetofacefriday of the year and I am looking at how far I’ve come. 

95 pounds down in 1 year. 95 pounds!!!

Starting weight -356 pounds

Current weight – 261 pounds

Sleeved – 9/26/2016

2016 has been quite a journey for me. Earth shattering lows that I thought I couldn’t possibly survive brought me more strength than I could ever imagine. This year has been a year of self discovery, change and learning how important #selflove really is. I have learned how important it is to look inside yourself and find your #innerstrength . I have found out how important it is to have a strong support system and surround yourself with the people that really care. As much as 2016 hurt it has made me that much more empowered. I am a #strongwoman a #proud #singlemom and looking forward to taking on 2017.  

Here’s to next year. A more fabulous me than I already am. Here’s to working hard, living life and sparkle thoughts. I can do it and so can you!

#motivation #lifegoals #verticalsleevegastrectomy #vsgcommunity #vsg #sleevelife

Home alone for the holidays

​There was only a short moment of video time to light the candles on the first night of Chanukah. There were no little voices on Christmas morning. No bright eyes or happy smiles to delight in the joy that Santa brought. My soul is missing their sweet faces. My heart is aching for them. Hours after I woke up I heard them for a few brief minutes. I tried to pile on the love as they distracted lyrics told me of all the joy he brought while they were there. Over a hundred miles away. 

I try to take solace in the fact that in two days they will be back in my arms. That we will still celebrate and it is only a day we missed not the spirit of the season. But I won’t lie, it’s not the same. To spend so much time raising to wonderful, amazing children and not be able to partake in their excitement hurts to the core. To have to split their lives in two, though logical is hard. And I want them to experience both sides of their parentage. I want them to know they are loved all over. I want them to know how many lives their being alive touches. But selfishly, I want them all for myself. They are my joy, my world and the light of my life. I am so proud to be their Mama. And this holiday season, this empty home has been hard on the heart. I can’t wait for them to come home.

Anniversary of a broken heart

The enormity of the memories that swarm around today just overtook me and I want to crawl out of the rockslide that just buried me. I remember everything. The laughter, the kisses, the sparkle in your eyes as you took my hands in your own and promised me forever. I remember how I held forever tighly in the palm of my hand but it slipped away like tiny grains of sand in an hourglass. I wonder where the time went. Two years, it would have been two years. Funny but I can’t remember the sound of your voice. Right now I would give anything to hear you say Good Morning Beautiful. Yet in the same breath I am so happy that I can’t. I know it would send me into a heart-shattering tail spin that I have finally been able to heal from. I can finally open my eyes each morning and not feel the heavy weight on my chest of you not being around. I don;t look to the pillow next to me just to watch you sleep. I don;t expect the texts during the day. Or wait for you to come home at night. I don;t wonder every moment how your day has been. I don’t ask myself every day what you could be doing at that second. You cross my mind from time to time, sometimes in anger but most of the time as a passing thought and I wish for you to be ok. I wonder if you wonder about me, the kids, the life you left behind. But days like this, the biggest of our lives, somewhere deep within my heart it resonates that you could be thinking of me too. I think about the things I could have gotten you, the words we would have spoken, the smiles we would have shared. What I would have made for dinner, what plans we would have come up with, if we would still be kissing like the first time we ever did. I remember how we were so excited to have made it through the first year and looked forward to so many to come. And then it was over, as if it had only been a dream really. A slow slide into fantasy for but a shimmering second. A trip but as quick and as brief into the Mistwood. One that can only happen once upon a December. I cannot hold anger anymore, it is too uch a weight to bear. But I hold a sadness there, that what we had, what we lived, what we felt was never cherished enough. That people only get to feel it but a few times in their lifetime and we let it pass us by. It’s days like these that I hope for you. I hope you found your simple life, the life that makes you the happiest, because I remember that smile, when we were at our happiest. On days like today when nothing could stop us. I cherish those memories. I cherish us, what we had and went through. The anniversary of our life together. The anniversary of my broken heart. I can’t remember your voice anymore. But I remember what your soul felt like. And for that I will always love you. I wish you all the best. Happy anniversary Charming.

Underneath the Surface

My soul feels ripped open. I feel exposed to the world unlike anything I have ever felt before and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I feel raw, like salt rubbed into an open cut or more appropriately, like too much hand sanitizer when you have fresh papercut that you didn’t know about. This holiday season is really dragging me down.

I have never been alone before. Without my kids. Without someone to hold me. I feel like it is the first time and it really is. I am not sure what to do without myself. Christmas lists left unattended. Presents left unbought and I am without hope on what to get. The person most important in my life is left presentless because I have no idea what to buy her. Years of friendship and I have not a clue what would make her smile. Not because I don;t know what has made her smile in the past but because I am flooded with too much emotion. Too much of the past comes rushing at me and it is a cacophony of feelings and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. So that is what I am doing. Crying. The kids are playing video games and I sit on the couch and weep because I am left helpless. I do not know what else to do. I sit here and wonder where I lost it all really. How I became a good luck charm to those in my past. I find myself invalidating all of the goodness I have done for myself and I realize that it is just holding me back from all the good I can do in the future. I realize I am backpedaling but am helpless in the moment to stop it. I know I know use my skills. Reevaluate. Don’t judge. But fuck all if that works right now in the moment. I grieve for all that I have lost. All the chances I have left behind. I wonder for the future. Am I doing what was right. What could I have done better. Could I have done any of it better. Are the pictures blurred because of the camera or the tears that drip down my cheeks. I don;t know anymore. I just really feel helpless. I will pull myself out of this. The snow that falls will make the day seem bright again. But for tonight I will let the pain drip out of me as I should have done in the past. Only then can I pick myself up again and really make tomorrow a better day. Only then will I know that I am whole again. I have to take the advice of those whom I should have listened to before. I deserve to mourn for what I have lost. Becuase it is then when I will figure out what I have truly found. Then I can celebrate all that I have achieved. Tomorrow I will begin anew.

Gentle Words

I used my words harshly today. I didn’t mean to, it was just the way they came out. I admonished instead of explaining. I scolded instead of entertaining the idea that the meaning of what was said was misunderstood. In brought down instead of listing up. I sent him off to school with out a smile on his face and now I feel a profound sense of guilt.

As a parent I know that it is easier to jump in at any moment and criticize instead of taking the time to understand. You get caught up in what is going on that instead of reaching out and finding the child within yourself you look at it at without taking the time to break it down as if you were the child yourself. It is one of our biggest fats. It rips our children to shreds as it can tear apart their small psyches. I try to not jump onto the bandwagon but sometimes I slip, this morning was one of those times.

I find it lately, specially during this time of year I get so caught up in my own head that I forget my mood effects theirs. They want my attention and love and I am just looking for an escape from the memory of yesteryear. I have not been paying the best attention to the world around me. But they are my world. I need to pull myself out of this funk. I need to put my priorities back in line. Catch up on what counts. Write more, sleep less. Stop letting the memories burden me and really just enjoy the now. Speak gently and let those snap judgements fall away. Later I’ll apologize for my harsh words and though I know I’ll be forgiven I hope that I didn’t leave a permanent mark. 

Be kind to yourself and to others


Radio Silence

Happy Birthday

I say these words in my head and I wonder if after all this time you can still hear them some how. If all the time, distance and bad juju that happened has somehow severed the connection we had or if you still can hear me wishing you yet another year of happiness. If you would even wonder if I remembered that today was the day that I closed my eyes and thanked your mother in heaven for bringing you to life today. If you think about how much for such a short period of time you were my whole world. I wonder if you know that with everything I have, even with some of the residual anger I hold, I still can’t hate you. I hope you know that I still wish for you happiness, happiness that you never found while I knew you. I wish nothing but the best for you in the end. And while the song on my playlist changes, I close my eyes and send you out the sparkles if thoughts on your day. I still thank your mother for your small but important role in my life. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wish the best for you, then, now and always. Happy Birthday.

Tears of a child

It breaks my heart when they cry. when we’ve come so far but there is a moment, a song or a memory that takes them back to a place they used to we. More EXACTLY a place WE used to be. And this month holds no exceptions. This season holds no boundaries. Dates, books, songs, smells…all the things and promises that were made, that were left unfulfilled. The questions that were left unanswered. All the smiles that have faded, the laughter that has floated by with the wind. I feel helpless sometimes and all I can do is hold them. Promise them it will get easier, promise them a better tomorrow. Make new memories to wipe away the painful ones. Still their are traces of your fingerprints on their hearts. Your signature in their books. Your picture in their minds. I don’t know how to deny them your existence but if I could I would wipe you from their minds, a clean slate because the tears that spill is so fresh with pain. so full of hurt and innocence. It is as if you never realized or cared how much you damaged their fragile beating hearts. For shame that their first heartbreak will always be in the name of a father and not some silly person that meant less than nothing to them. The name Daddy etched in their hearts will forever be a sad cross to bear. Something you ruined in your selfish pursuit of something different. The tears of a child are something that one should never be to blame for. And my anger that rises as I wipe those tears away is only so laced by the fact that I know in my heart I can give them a better tomorrow now that you are gone. That  one day they will know what it is to love and be loved by someone who genuinely is going to be there for them forever. Who doesn’t break their promises and who answers all their questions with kind words and a gentle hand. My children will be ok and one day the heartache will quiet. This season may be long and cold but we will get through it together. And you, your heart will forever have a hole from the loss these beautiful souls.

Life after the Faerietale; View from the patio

The chalk that stained the concrete with pictures is nothing more than dust by now and the laughter has all but faded. The sheet that covers the bikes is now faded and torn and the furniture has a fine coat of dust or pollen on it from remaining unused this past season. A mere memory of what this place used to be, the joy that it used to hold. As my eyes scan the objects that remain on the stone patio a breath escapes my lips and I close my eyes remembering the day I saw it for the first time.

The sun was shining and the day was hot, the laughter of my daughter was music in the air as she moved from room to room inside the empty apartment. I had only been there ten minutes and already I knew it was going to be my home. As I stood beneath the awning of the low stone wall of the patio I envisioned the glass table where we could sit while we ate outside. I saw the kids drawing on the cement in chalk and blowing bubbles out on the grass. I pictured a small grill that we could use on days like the one we were having, when we would have people over to show them how happy we were. I imagined warm nights where we would sit outside and talk and laugh for hours just enjoying the air, the stars and each others company. Everything about this place screamed home but this patio, this patio screamed a future that gave me a smile I could not wipe away.

As I run my fingers over the glass table I remember the nights where conversation turned into arguments. I feel the smiles turn into tears and wince as I can almost feel their wetness hit the surface of the table as vividly as if it was happening right now. I force my eyes open so the sound of silence takes over the sound of anger and the wind rushes in to usher away the pain that happened so very long ago. My eyes catch something blue on the ground and I laugh, a piece of chalk yet to be ground into dust as the rest has been long since used up and I bend to write the kids names on the ground. As I admire my handiwork I smile and remember how many chalky footsteps covered the carpet after hours of drawings took place right here and thousands of memories were made. I let those memories seep in to replace the ones that try to hard to drag me down.

Taking a seat in a chair that has long since felt a warm body I idly draw in the dust on the table. Hope, dreams, forever…words I trace into the residue on the table. Words I believe in for me, for them and those words give me a strength that I know I have inside. I hear laughter in the house, this time I realize though that my house is already full. Full of love and warmth, the house which is already mine and I don’t have to reach out to grab that dream because I already have it. So what if the dream is different than when I held this moment for the first time. The laughter is still there, the opportunity to make memories worth smiling upon is on me now. I seize the moment to grab a rag and dust off the table. The words I drew are gone but the sentiment is till there. The sentiment to dream a new, the hope always, to love forever. The laughter in my house is sweet music to my ears and I look around at the patio with a glimmer of expectation in my heart. There will be laughter again, sweet memories to dwell on, chalk filled days and wish filled nights. I can feel it in my soul.