Words elude me lately. Thoughts run through my mind and I can’t reach out to grasp the fast enough. The ink is left wet on the page before the next thought settles in. Too much life left to live. To many things left to do. And under it all still the possibility of doing it all alone. Is this a choice I’m making. Or a glaring mistake the universe made when it came to creating me. Only time can answer that question. There are no wounds left to heal. The scars have healed over, leaving ever present marks to scare off or enchant those who will notice them. But I am not afraid. Not afraid to let my real self shine. To know that I am allowed to not settle for second best, to be fierce in my choices be a useful I deserve more. I deserve to have the fire inside stoked. I will persevere. I will remain steadfast and loyal. To myself, to what remains and what is to be. I am remarkable. In this emotionally stunted world I can be my own light and if one shines brightly alongside me one day, I hope I see its glimmer strong and true. I yearn for that spark in the night. Until then, I shall sparkle on. And try to find the words.
I can’t believe how quickly the days are going by. Winter break is over and tomorrow the kids are going back to school. I spent the day unplugged with them and we had a great time just spending time together, building things, cuddling and ending the day with a movie. I stepped on the scale for the first time since my 3 months check up with the doctor a week ago and I lost 3 pounds over the crazy holidays. 3 POUNDS! I wasn;t expecting to lose anything when I wasn’t being as strict with myself but the universe works in very mysterious ways I suppose *laughs*
I also signed back onto the Love your life in 30 days facebook page and found that my post yesterday has over 700 likes and so many comments I lost count. I was blown away with how many people I touched with my choice of themes for this year of change. I was taken aback by the outpouring of love, inspiration, and kindness from so many people around the globe. Everyone has been so supportive and sweet and it filled my heart with so much love. It really goes to show how many souls around the world there are that are ready for the world to change. How much kindness can do? How much love and hope there really is to make the world go around. This year is going to make a difference in so many people’s lives. I have talked to a handful of them and just to connect with other people who are taking this year as it comes, giving life their all and making the best with what they have and what the universe gives them is AMAZING.
Let’s dive into day 3 shall we
DAY 3: Get into the Details and Create a Sense of Excitement
Est. time: 9 minutes
On Day 1 you wrote down 5 general areas of your life where you want to create change over the next year. Now, let those general goals lead you to discover the specific details that excite you—the juicy, sexy, wonderful details that make your heart pound! This will ramp up your emotional connection to the goals you have. Make a list of the details that will be drawn into your life once those goals have manifested. Consider what you’ll see, what you’ll hear, and what you’ll feel. This activity is like creating a vision board, only using words instead of pictures.
Here are some examples (feel free to go into much greater detail):
ABUNDANCE: peace of mind, free time, lots of travel
RELATIONSHIP: best friends, treasured intimacy, space and independence
HEALTH: daily exercise, healthy cooking/eating, strength, and confidence
TRAVEL: exploration, meeting new people, peace, and serenity
CREATIVITY: writing/painting, inspiring others, self-expression
Here we go:
1. Health – Daily exercise, meal planning, eating healthy, strength in mind, body and spirit, getting outside with the kids, confidence, mental clarity, focus
2. Happiness – laughter, loving the little things, looking through my kid’s eyes, skipping, playing, reading, phtography, leaving my sparkle where I go, smiling, writing
3. Abundance – free time, working hard, letting my well of creativity overflow, peace of mind, time with friends, exploring new places, finishing school
4. Creativity – letting my mind do the talking, writing my book, working on my photography, building my website, blogging, sparkling, being a kid again, self-expression, inspiring others
5. Adventure – exploring, meeting new people, putting myself out there, traveling, being a kid
Here we go guys. Onto Day 2 of this fun adventure. I had a really good time prioritizing what I really wanted to take forward with me into the New Year. Today is a little bit different but goes along with yesterday. I am feeling really positive about this.
Today we took the trip back home from where we were in NYC at my Mom’s house for the New Year. We had a great time and now we settle back into our daily routine I realized when I stepped through the door that there were a lot of things that I want to do. I want to clean out all the negative things in my life and really expand on the positive. I still have a lot of clutter from the past that I don’t need lingering around anymore. I can’t wait to step back into a few of the old routines but really start getting into new ones to start functioning in a more positive way. It is really going to be a great year!!!
Let’s see what is on the agenda for today shall we?
DAY 2: Create Your Theme(s)
Est. time: 7 minutes
Creating a theme helps you to nail down, stylize, and get excited about the changes that will soon be sweeping through your life. Choose a theme that resonates with you and write it down, using words that have special meaning to you. You may even wish to base it on one or more of your general areas for change from Day 1. Explain your theme’s importance and all of its fun ramifications. For example, if your theme is adventure that might mean: travel, trying new things, meeting new people, taking chances, exploring new places, leaving your comfort zone, and saying yes to new opportunities. You can even write down several themes and what each one means to you.
Here are some theme ideas:
• International world traveler
• Healthy, happy, and thriving
• Adventure, exploration, discovery
• Overflowing with abundance
• Living limitless and free
• Peace, harmony, and tranquility
• Living life to the fullest each day
• Making a difference in the world
• Creatively inspired and fulfilled
• Spiritually empowered
• The best year of my life
• Happily in love and loved
Well let’s see the theme that I use to describe most of how I like to live is
Taking my sparkle back
This resonates to me because it encompasses all that I try to do in my life, with my health and my happiness. I had lost my sparkle a long time ago and I want to reach for the stars and get it back. So along with TAKING MY SPARKLE BACK I am going to add the theme
Letting my well of creativity overflow with abundance
I want to use this year to let my creativity sparkle and shine. I want to let go of my fear that overwhelms and stops the flow of creativity. I want to let my creativity bring in the abundance that I know is in my future. So along with LETTING MY WELL OF CREATIVITY OVERFLOW WITH ABUNDANCE I am going to add one more thing theme that I think will round out all of my goals for the year and that is this
The best year of my life
That’s right, I am going to let the overall theme of this year be the best year of my life. I thin this theme is exactly right for the changes that will sweep through my life. And I have no doubts that it will be
THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!
So there you have it folks. My themes for this year. My day two. I hope this inspired you to think about your themes for the year and I hope your journey is going well. Take care of you and remember to leave a little sparkle wherever you go ❤
The chalk that stained the concrete with pictures is nothing more than dust by now and the laughter has all but faded. The sheet that covers the bikes is now faded and torn and the furniture has a fine coat of dust or pollen on it from remaining unused this past season. A mere memory of what this place used to be, the joy that it used to hold. As my eyes scan the objects that remain on the stone patio a breath escapes my lips and I close my eyes remembering the day I saw it for the first time.
The sun was shining and the day was hot, the laughter of my daughter was music in the air as she moved from room to room inside the empty apartment. I had only been there ten minutes and already I knew it was going to be my home. As I stood beneath the awning of the low stone wall of the patio I envisioned the glass table where we could sit while we ate outside. I saw the kids drawing on the cement in chalk and blowing bubbles out on the grass. I pictured a small grill that we could use on days like the one we were having, when we would have people over to show them how happy we were. I imagined warm nights where we would sit outside and talk and laugh for hours just enjoying the air, the stars and each others company. Everything about this place screamed home but this patio, this patio screamed a future that gave me a smile I could not wipe away.
As I run my fingers over the glass table I remember the nights where conversation turned into arguments. I feel the smiles turn into tears and wince as I can almost feel their wetness hit the surface of the table as vividly as if it was happening right now. I force my eyes open so the sound of silence takes over the sound of anger and the wind rushes in to usher away the pain that happened so very long ago. My eyes catch something blue on the ground and I laugh, a piece of chalk yet to be ground into dust as the rest has been long since used up and I bend to write the kids names on the ground. As I admire my handiwork I smile and remember how many chalky footsteps covered the carpet after hours of drawings took place right here and thousands of memories were made. I let those memories seep in to replace the ones that try to hard to drag me down.
Taking a seat in a chair that has long since felt a warm body I idly draw in the dust on the table. Hope, dreams, forever…words I trace into the residue on the table. Words I believe in for me, for them and those words give me a strength that I know I have inside. I hear laughter in the house, this time I realize though that my house is already full. Full of love and warmth, the house which is already mine and I don’t have to reach out to grab that dream because I already have it. So what if the dream is different than when I held this moment for the first time. The laughter is still there, the opportunity to make memories worth smiling upon is on me now. I seize the moment to grab a rag and dust off the table. The words I drew are gone but the sentiment is till there. The sentiment to dream a new, the hope always, to love forever. The laughter in my house is sweet music to my ears and I look around at the patio with a glimmer of expectation in my heart. There will be laughter again, sweet memories to dwell on, chalk filled days and wish filled nights. I can feel it in my soul.
Far be it from me to ever criticize someone for doing what they love. Okay, that is a lie. I do it all the time. for as much DBT as I go through I am still as judgey as they come and I will be the first to admit that. But I have realized in the past week how freeing it is to really fall in love with something you do and being someone that you are. The last weekend I have never felt so free in my life. Well, that is a lie too, I felt that way once before. When I went to a place of ultimate magic, when I went to New Orleans. It’s funny how the trip of a lifetime and a jaunt to a convention in Rhode Island could make me feel the exact same way but I assume it is a place and time thing. I was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time I needed to be there and that is what mattered.
I booked my tickets to Rhode Island Comic Con just a week out from y sleeve surgery, hoping that I would be tiny enough to fit into some fantastical cosplay creation that only my mind could dream up. I ended up going with jeans and a tee shirt. but jeans that were 5 sizes smaller than the ones I had started off in. Small victories right? I just needed the break. I needed to get away and finally do something that was just for me. It had nothing to do with the kids or being in PA. It just had to do with the fact that I hadn’t celebrated who I was in a really long time. Fuck if I know who I am half the time.
The weekend started off with me visiting a friend that I haven’t seen in 17 years. It ended with me in tears over a girl I had just met 24 hours before hand. I had bonded so close to another human being in 24 hours that it physically hurt to leave her side. Laugh if you will but I haven’t felt or allowed to feel myself that strength of emotion in a really long time. In between that, there was laughter and happiness. Smiles and giddiness. A sense of overwhelming freedom and magic. Everywhere I turned there was a lightness to my soul and a sense of wonderment in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel the burden of despair that weighs me down. For the first time in a long time, I felt as if I could do anything. Like the world really was at my fingertips. One weekend just to be me. To discover me. To reignite what was in my soul.
In a mere three days, I realized a lot of things about myself. I realized that I have a big personality that I can;t keep bottled up no matter who wants me too. I realized that I deserve so much of what life has to offer no matter who doesn’t think so. I realized that my beauty is not only kept inside where I think it is but it does radiate on the outside even when I am not so sure of myself. I realized that I don’t want to be pent up anymore, I want to be let out into the world. I realized I want my children to have the world full of experiences and meet people that are not all like them because it is then that they will learn the meaning of love. I realized that I deserve to live my life the way I want to live my life and not by anyone else’s rules
I realized I was finally ready to start defying gravity instead of letting everyone hold me down anymore.
I came home and all the weight started pushing me down again. It’s really hard to push back, it’s really heavy and it’s a lot to deal with. But for the first time….I am NOT afraid to push back. My spark has been reignited. I am going to defy gravity damn it…
Oh and the list of stars that I rubbed elbows with because people keep asking
I had to wake up my children this morning and explain to them who had won the election. At 7 and 9 years old we had discussed some of the details of the candidates and what was going on. They groomed their opinions from what they had learned in school, from me and from the parts of the debates that I let them sit and watch. They had asked questions throughout the campaigns. They made me diligently fact check and research because I wanted to give them the best answers I could. Never in my life have I been so politically involved. My gorgeous babies really wanted to know what their future held. They wanted to know what these two people could possibly do that could shape the next year’s of the world they lived in.
So as we stepped into our little voting booth yesterday and filled out those boxes, going over each choice, they were so proud to be part of something bigger than themselves. They fought to stay awake to see how the number changed. We discussed popular and electoral votes. We watched the news and listened to the discussions and as I began to get a sinking feeling I tucked them into bed with only the sweetest of dreams and hoped for their sakes for the best.
This morning I had to wake them up and explain to them that in the end their choice didn’t win. They had so very many questions that I had to carefully answer. Because I realized that my answers would not only impact them today but for the rest of their lives. You see they are scared. Scared of everything they heard. Scared for their friends, for the cute old people they love so much, scared for the country getting blown up because of a guy that’s so angry all the time. I explained to them that when you live in fear there is only fear. That is why you have to hope. Hope for the better days ahead. Keep fighting for what you believe in no matter what people say. When you are presented with a situation where there is a bully, you stand tall and don’t let that bully take you down. They were angry that people picked him over her. I explained to them being angry is exactly what he is. Fueling anger with anger doesn’t make the situation better. It only leads to another word which we don’t use in this house, hate. When you fuel a hate fire with more hate you are only going to get negatives. Instead of that,I told them, go show those you love, those you are scared for, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. That you love them. That no matter what, you have their backs. Loving those around you won’t undo the damage but it will cool down the hurt that everyone is feeling. I told them that now is the time we all need to stick together, because only now will we see how much stronger we are together. My words seemed to make them feel better. They are still unhappy but they are starting to understand a little more and I am starting to realize that they grow up way too fast.
So to you I say this. I too am afraid and worried and even angry at what has happened. But I will not stand here in hate and anger. Instead I will tell you this. I have your backs, through everything, no matter what. And I love you. We got this #alwayskeepfighting #strongertogether #thisisformykids
In a vast and changing world there are days when the tides just pull you along. Your arms flail desperate to keep your head above water and not is all smooth sailing. On those days, as your gasping for air, you wonder if you will ever see the light again. If by some miracle you will ever come out on top.
They suddenly a ping. A low noise goes off like a beacon in dark and you are saved. The sun comes crashing through the darkest night and hits your face. The pale becomes rosy, the shadowed becomes sparkling, the number becomes warm. All is be washed in smiles because of a single kindness. A single thought.
Uneglected connection that you have been waiting on. Wacting for. Waiting by. DIsn’t even know you were searching. ALloyd these questions arise. Will it? Won’t it? Dare I? But you shove them away for the kindness of a smile. Your batter away the negativity especially surrounding where you are, whowever you are….ust for that feelinh. that feeling when you got. Whence you snuck iinto the routine. Whence you realized, that for the first time. In a long time. Your were the reason, for someone’s smile
The leaves are in the middle of their change. Stuck between green and red. Some orange and amber. Other the brightest yellow the eyes can see. The wind is starting to crisp and the air…the air is tumbling across our senses with the smells of love. The smells of spices and Woodstock. Of warmth and cider. Of nights yearning to be copied up in our hoodies just aching to be scared around fires full of laughter. It’s the time of the year that I look forward to. The time of the year I feel free. The time of the year my smiles are big and my arms open wide to accept the hugs of the giggles of Littles after a full day of pumpkin picking and candied apples…
But I’m stick. Up swept by emotion I can quite grasp, and as much as I want to smile I want to scream. As much as I want out I want this season to pass. As many things as I want to do the memories all tie to those two perfect years that I made them with you. And I can erase and erase and smile through and still they settle into the minds of the children. And there’s nothing I can do. You’ve resurfaced. There’s been questions of which I have no answers. Only to talk about you in the past. As if you’ve died and been buried like those we’ve had to say goodbye to. And that’s sad, that you’ve become a corpse. Just another memory. When you could have stayed so much more to them. To all of us. And you chose instead to commit and act so heinous it only equates to death.
So we bury you, a few times a week. For you are not that far under the ground. We lay flowers at your site and move on ahain. Rebuilding out lives on top of what you left of us. I am determined to do these things without you. Though it tears at my heartstrings so. The colors are not as vibrant and the wind not so sweet. But I will still love this time I have. This is my season. These are my days. I will fight forward and one day I will be free…from the middle of a memory
Can we take back all the words that I have said that were cruel and unusual in the past 24 hours? Not just to others but you myself as well. Take back the pain, the hurt. The frustration , the tears. Can we hold on to the precious few moments that I felt like I was doing something of value instead of screwing up everything I set my mind, my hands, my eyes my heart to?
Can I know where the messages in my brain came that nothing was good enough. That all of a sudden I was this failure. Can you fix those short circuit ingredients wires and replace them in my head. Can you dry up the tears that fell from my cheeks as I cried over the fact that I wasn’t good enough for them, to cherish their laughter, to deserve their sticky kisses. Those thoughts don’t belong here anymore.
Long have I worked to prove to myself that I could make it through the hardships. Long have I toiled, re-education my brain to prove to myself I was worthy of everything I had put so much effort towards. But today…yesterday. feels like all that effort was in vain.
Black stormy clouds took over my head and down I sank. Clawing my way to some sense of peace. That I was going to be ok. To stop judging. To picking away at parts of myself that had scarred over. I struggled through the day just to fall into a restless sleep.
And upon awake the cloud not black but grey. Could I make it through. Would the sunshine and push away the sorrow that and stole my peace. I’m fighting. Fighting so hard. Counting the blessings.
But I feel unworthy. Why. Why is the question. I have no answers. No answers but I’m pushing through. Just have to make it. Make it till Thierry smiles can chase the clouds away once more. I’ll get there.
So many changes. Changes provoking thoughts. Thoughts pushing me so hard. But my body isn’t ready. Rest. Rest. I will be strong enough to do what I have to. In time. Not all at once. Shhh. Rest now. I will get through this. I will get through
I’m just having a bad day. Isn’t a girl allowed to have a bad day? For no reason other than she woke up sad. There’s a lot if things going on and I’m having a bad day. I feel scared, alone, exhausted. I feel netvous anxious. I feel like the tears are coming from no where and I can’t explain them. You ask me why and I say I don’t know. I can’t tell you why I feel this way. I can tell you the kids are just fine. This has nothing to do with my miraculous little creatutes. This has nothing to do with their father. He’s alrite in my book too.
This has to do with the fact that I feel so very alone. That words and memories and songs keep playing through my head like faded memories and I can’t make themstop. I can make them go away. That I’m fighting this battle, this amazing, fantastic journey and I’m doing it all alone. And yes I’m fucking proud of nyself. It has nothing to do with pride. It has to do with I wish I had someone to hold my hand. To tell me ill be ok. To hold me through my what if and im scareds. To tell me they were right there beside me all along and you know what I don’t. And I’m mad. And I’m sad. And yes I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to want to curl up and be held and just worry for a little while.
I have all these emotions. I’m feeling all these things. This year’s has been so hard and I’ve been through so much already. And yes this is my journey, my step towards a better me, a healthier me, a new life. But I’m fucking scared. I’m scared that this is how it with always be. An uphill battle. Me against the world. With nothing soft to come home to. I miss the soft. I want the other side of my bed to be warm. I want comfort in knowing my insides are loved as much as my outsides. I want my forever. I want to stop THINKING about it. It hurts. I’m tired of it hurting. The hurt springing frp. No where at random times. Random moments of goid, like in the shower when I’m peaceful and safe and the thought of a forever moment creeps up. Because I let my mind go a little to easy. I let the wall crash down. I let myself relax.
This is the person I don’t let you see. The girl behind the mask. The girl who still has the softness to her. The fear of letting the world in. The one that wants to be held. Craves to be cherished. The girl that sits, weeping in her parked car, at the edge of a park. Instead of going home to sit in her room. Because maybe I can get over this and still make something of my day. All I want to do is eat. And I can’t eat. I gave up that line of defense.
I’m allowing myself this time to have a bad day. Because it’s ok for me to cry. It’s ok for me to want. It’s ok for me to feel. I just wish….wish I had the switch to make it all ok again.