Had too much time on my hands to think today. I contemplated when it is going to be my time. I realized that my time is now. No matter how lonely I get, I make the most of each day as best I can. One day, each day brings me closer to my faerietale. Even if it wasn’t exactly the way I would have written it. I must admit, there are days where I come home and I wish I had someone just to talk to, to share all to normality and oddness with. But I am content and happy in all that I’ve done and the choices I’ve made. I am at peace with myself in the life I have now. One day, the time will come, that another flame will add to my own. That day will be wonderful. Till them I will bufn brightly and inspire others to shine.
I wrote my heart out of Friday night. Ink splattered across my fingertips as words flew across the page in angry slahes. Some bitter, some resentful, some sad. In the end, I was empty. I felt like I had finally gotten everything that had been filling me up for so long, out of my soul. Every nlock, every jam, every bit of feeling toward what had happened came out. It only took 11,00 words. I couldn’t tell you what they said. I know im my heart that my voice is raw. Part of me is numb and the other part empty.
And now I am at the precipice of a new beginning. A jumping off point, that I thought I had found before. I realize that I had never fully embraced all that had happened and what was to be. And that it had left mt stuck somewhere that I couldn’t move from. Frozen in time, niether for the good nor the bad. Replaying what had been and to scared of what will be. That is over now.
I am ready to emrace what is. The right now. Today I face the world free from the ties that bind. Knowing in myself that I could not change the past. That I have learned from it. And in that I have griwn. I embrace who I’ve become, where I am going. I am thankful for what I have and where I’ve been. I know my journey isn’t over and it will never lead me back to what has already been. I am a person of worth, of substance, of vitality. I am full of love for those who surround my life with goodness. I will do all that I can to show the world all that I have to give. In mind, body and spirit. I am enough.
Just trying to figure things out in my life. I’m working on it. Trying to stay as positive and sparkly as I can. Today’s activity actually helped a lot. It was about visualization as you will read below and today I really enjoyed that. I got down to the basics and really enjoyed my day, cut down on all the negative self talk and really took care of loving the little things. It was an amazing and I am looking forward to tomorrow where we spend the entire day unplugged and just spending time with each other.
Here’s to another sparkly day!!!!
The activities leading up to Day 7 have all dealt with pro-actively creating transformation. Now, it’s time to go on the defense by observing your thoughts, words, and actions. When you play detective in this way, you can quickly stem the tide of any self-made negativity that may cross your wires or contradict the initiatives you’re taking to spark change. TODAY, simply observe all that you’re thinking, saying, and physically doing. This will help you to understand some of your subliminal inner messaging. When you don’t like what you’re thinking, saying, or doing, then deliberately and lovingly craft a counter-message to immediately put to use.
So it has been a rough couple of days and I have fallen behind in this growing challenge. I have been totally sick and just haven’t felt like myself. A lot of things have crossed my mind and I have felt the task of contemplating them way beyond me as I have dealt with this illness. Insecurities have threatened to overwhelm my new point of view but I have battled through them. Onward and upward they say. Steadily losing weight, steadily gaining ground on a new perspective. Now if only I could get out and back to living in the real world instead of bundled up on the couch, maybe I would feel better.
There are so many things I want to do. So many goals I want to achieve but I feel so stifled. Whether it be for my own fear of tomorrows, of the unknown, of what’s to come or whether it be reality is yet to be determined. I am going to keep pushing through. I am going to keep sparkling. I am going to keep making this work. Because I can. Becuase I am able to. And because I fucking deserve it.
This activity is about planning which baby steps you can start taking in the direction of your goals. TODAY, choose one of your goals and beneath it write down at least 7 baby steps that you can start taking to move toward it. Ask yourself: What else can I try? Where else can I go? Who else can I talk to? You can do this for all of your goals if you like. Starting in the days and weeks ahead, begin to put these steps into practice.
- Go to sleep at a decent hour every night, that hour is yet to be determined but it is surely before midnight
- Make sure to say what is on my mind and no hold back when I am thinking something, it keeps me from showing how I really feel about things
- Make time to go to the gym at least four times a week
- Take at least ten minutes a day to just breathe
- Be honest with myself
- Know it’s ok to say no
- Be kind to myself
So I posted my HUGE weightloss achievement in the group today. I have over 1.2k likes and over 200comments on it at the time I am writing things. I am going to post exactly what I wrote in the group because I am so humbled right now. I meant it to all those who follow and support me on my blog as well.
DAY 4: Showcase Your Inspiration
Est. time: 5 minutes
It’s important to create visual reminders of the goals you’re working toward. When you see a reminder of your goals in front of you each day, it starts to become a part of your reality. What reminders can you set up around your office, in your bedroom, on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror? Put something (or several things) up that will inspire you in the days and weeks ahead.
Here are some ideas:
• Hang up your list of priorities from Day 1.
• Hang up a photo or a quote that inspires you.
• Program your phone or computer to send you a positive reminder each day.
• Set your computer or phone wallpaper to an image that inspires you.
• Write a reminder to yourself: to be adventurous, to try something new each day, to channel loving energy into everything you do.
• Make a vision board with images of the life you want to create.
I can’t believe how quickly the days are going by. Winter break is over and tomorrow the kids are going back to school. I spent the day unplugged with them and we had a great time just spending time together, building things, cuddling and ending the day with a movie. I stepped on the scale for the first time since my 3 months check up with the doctor a week ago and I lost 3 pounds over the crazy holidays. 3 POUNDS! I wasn;t expecting to lose anything when I wasn’t being as strict with myself but the universe works in very mysterious ways I suppose *laughs*
I also signed back onto the Love your life in 30 days facebook page and found that my post yesterday has over 700 likes and so many comments I lost count. I was blown away with how many people I touched with my choice of themes for this year of change. I was taken aback by the outpouring of love, inspiration, and kindness from so many people around the globe. Everyone has been so supportive and sweet and it filled my heart with so much love. It really goes to show how many souls around the world there are that are ready for the world to change. How much kindness can do? How much love and hope there really is to make the world go around. This year is going to make a difference in so many people’s lives. I have talked to a handful of them and just to connect with other people who are taking this year as it comes, giving life their all and making the best with what they have and what the universe gives them is AMAZING.
Let’s dive into day 3 shall we
DAY 3: Get into the Details and Create a Sense of Excitement
Est. time: 9 minutes
On Day 1 you wrote down 5 general areas of your life where you want to create change over the next year. Now, let those general goals lead you to discover the specific details that excite you—the juicy, sexy, wonderful details that make your heart pound! This will ramp up your emotional connection to the goals you have. Make a list of the details that will be drawn into your life once those goals have manifested. Consider what you’ll see, what you’ll hear, and what you’ll feel. This activity is like creating a vision board, only using words instead of pictures.
Here are some examples (feel free to go into much greater detail):
ABUNDANCE: peace of mind, free time, lots of travel
RELATIONSHIP: best friends, treasured intimacy, space and independence
HEALTH: daily exercise, healthy cooking/eating, strength, and confidence
TRAVEL: exploration, meeting new people, peace, and serenity
CREATIVITY: writing/painting, inspiring others, self-expression
Here we go:
1. Health – Daily exercise, meal planning, eating healthy, strength in mind, body and spirit, getting outside with the kids, confidence, mental clarity, focus
2. Happiness – laughter, loving the little things, looking through my kid’s eyes, skipping, playing, reading, phtography, leaving my sparkle where I go, smiling, writing
3. Abundance – free time, working hard, letting my well of creativity overflow, peace of mind, time with friends, exploring new places, finishing school
4. Creativity – letting my mind do the talking, writing my book, working on my photography, building my website, blogging, sparkling, being a kid again, self-expression, inspiring others
5. Adventure – exploring, meeting new people, putting myself out there, traveling, being a kid
Here we go guys. Onto Day 2 of this fun adventure. I had a really good time prioritizing what I really wanted to take forward with me into the New Year. Today is a little bit different but goes along with yesterday. I am feeling really positive about this.
Today we took the trip back home from where we were in NYC at my Mom’s house for the New Year. We had a great time and now we settle back into our daily routine I realized when I stepped through the door that there were a lot of things that I want to do. I want to clean out all the negative things in my life and really expand on the positive. I still have a lot of clutter from the past that I don’t need lingering around anymore. I can’t wait to step back into a few of the old routines but really start getting into new ones to start functioning in a more positive way. It is really going to be a great year!!!
Let’s see what is on the agenda for today shall we?
DAY 2: Create Your Theme(s)
Est. time: 7 minutes
Creating a theme helps you to nail down, stylize, and get excited about the changes that will soon be sweeping through your life. Choose a theme that resonates with you and write it down, using words that have special meaning to you. You may even wish to base it on one or more of your general areas for change from Day 1. Explain your theme’s importance and all of its fun ramifications. For example, if your theme is adventure that might mean: travel, trying new things, meeting new people, taking chances, exploring new places, leaving your comfort zone, and saying yes to new opportunities. You can even write down several themes and what each one means to you.
Here are some theme ideas:
• International world traveler
• Healthy, happy, and thriving
• Adventure, exploration, discovery
• Overflowing with abundance
• Living limitless and free
• Peace, harmony, and tranquility
• Living life to the fullest each day
• Making a difference in the world
• Creatively inspired and fulfilled
• Spiritually empowered
• The best year of my life
• Happily in love and loved
Well let’s see the theme that I use to describe most of how I like to live is
Taking my sparkle back
This resonates to me because it encompasses all that I try to do in my life, with my health and my happiness. I had lost my sparkle a long time ago and I want to reach for the stars and get it back. So along with TAKING MY SPARKLE BACK I am going to add the theme
Letting my well of creativity overflow with abundance
I want to use this year to let my creativity sparkle and shine. I want to let go of my fear that overwhelms and stops the flow of creativity. I want to let my creativity bring in the abundance that I know is in my future. So along with LETTING MY WELL OF CREATIVITY OVERFLOW WITH ABUNDANCE I am going to add one more thing theme that I think will round out all of my goals for the year and that is this
The best year of my life
That’s right, I am going to let the overall theme of this year be the best year of my life. I thin this theme is exactly right for the changes that will sweep through my life. And I have no doubts that it will be
THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!
So there you have it folks. My themes for this year. My day two. I hope this inspired you to think about your themes for the year and I hope your journey is going well. Take care of you and remember to leave a little sparkle wherever you go ❤
The enormity of the memories that swarm around today just overtook me and I want to crawl out of the rockslide that just buried me. I remember everything. The laughter, the kisses, the sparkle in your eyes as you took my hands in your own and promised me forever. I remember how I held forever tighly in the palm of my hand but it slipped away like tiny grains of sand in an hourglass. I wonder where the time went. Two years, it would have been two years. Funny but I can’t remember the sound of your voice. Right now I would give anything to hear you say Good Morning Beautiful. Yet in the same breath I am so happy that I can’t. I know it would send me into a heart-shattering tail spin that I have finally been able to heal from. I can finally open my eyes each morning and not feel the heavy weight on my chest of you not being around. I don;t look to the pillow next to me just to watch you sleep. I don;t expect the texts during the day. Or wait for you to come home at night. I don;t wonder every moment how your day has been. I don’t ask myself every day what you could be doing at that second. You cross my mind from time to time, sometimes in anger but most of the time as a passing thought and I wish for you to be ok. I wonder if you wonder about me, the kids, the life you left behind. But days like this, the biggest of our lives, somewhere deep within my heart it resonates that you could be thinking of me too. I think about the things I could have gotten you, the words we would have spoken, the smiles we would have shared. What I would have made for dinner, what plans we would have come up with, if we would still be kissing like the first time we ever did. I remember how we were so excited to have made it through the first year and looked forward to so many to come. And then it was over, as if it had only been a dream really. A slow slide into fantasy for but a shimmering second. A trip but as quick and as brief into the Mistwood. One that can only happen once upon a December. I cannot hold anger anymore, it is too uch a weight to bear. But I hold a sadness there, that what we had, what we lived, what we felt was never cherished enough. That people only get to feel it but a few times in their lifetime and we let it pass us by. It’s days like these that I hope for you. I hope you found your simple life, the life that makes you the happiest, because I remember that smile, when we were at our happiest. On days like today when nothing could stop us. I cherish those memories. I cherish us, what we had and went through. The anniversary of our life together. The anniversary of my broken heart. I can’t remember your voice anymore. But I remember what your soul felt like. And for that I will always love you. I wish you all the best. Happy anniversary Charming.
My soul feels ripped open. I feel exposed to the world unlike anything I have ever felt before and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I feel raw, like salt rubbed into an open cut or more appropriately, like too much hand sanitizer when you have fresh papercut that you didn’t know about. This holiday season is really dragging me down.
I have never been alone before. Without my kids. Without someone to hold me. I feel like it is the first time and it really is. I am not sure what to do without myself. Christmas lists left unattended. Presents left unbought and I am without hope on what to get. The person most important in my life is left presentless because I have no idea what to buy her. Years of friendship and I have not a clue what would make her smile. Not because I don;t know what has made her smile in the past but because I am flooded with too much emotion. Too much of the past comes rushing at me and it is a cacophony of feelings and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. So that is what I am doing. Crying. The kids are playing video games and I sit on the couch and weep because I am left helpless. I do not know what else to do. I sit here and wonder where I lost it all really. How I became a good luck charm to those in my past. I find myself invalidating all of the goodness I have done for myself and I realize that it is just holding me back from all the good I can do in the future. I realize I am backpedaling but am helpless in the moment to stop it. I know I know use my skills. Reevaluate. Don’t judge. But fuck all if that works right now in the moment. I grieve for all that I have lost. All the chances I have left behind. I wonder for the future. Am I doing what was right. What could I have done better. Could I have done any of it better. Are the pictures blurred because of the camera or the tears that drip down my cheeks. I don;t know anymore. I just really feel helpless. I will pull myself out of this. The snow that falls will make the day seem bright again. But for tonight I will let the pain drip out of me as I should have done in the past. Only then can I pick myself up again and really make tomorrow a better day. Only then will I know that I am whole again. I have to take the advice of those whom I should have listened to before. I deserve to mourn for what I have lost. Becuase it is then when I will figure out what I have truly found. Then I can celebrate all that I have achieved. Tomorrow I will begin anew.