Category Archives: Trying to Conceive

Bohemian Lullabye

Yes this may or may NOT be the prologue to Shaye’s tale

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Prologue

“What are you doing?” my brow furrowed as he first turned his gaze and then his entire body away from me.

I was met with silence, that cold ring of silence that makes you uncomfortable and anxious all at the same time. I stared at the ceiling and tapped my fingers together wondering if I was going to get an answer from him.

We had been in a lull between tours and we had just another few weeks before we went on the road again. There had been talks of separate buses, because who wants to deal with a weepy Oliver when he can’t see the baby. I didn’t even know if the entire family was coming along this time. The last month long tour we did on the west coast we were ramped and it just blew.

There was a crack in my ceiling; I idly made it into various shapes as he still was silent. I knew he wasn’t dead, how morbid of a thought, because he was still breathing. And he wasn’t snoring so he wasn’t asleep. He was just waiting. Just fucking waiting. For what? I didn’t know. I had nothing left to apologize for. I tried to make amends for my past, for being distant, for not wanting to jump his bones every five seconds, hell I apologized for not making the bed the other day. But it wasn’t enough.

I took a deep breath “Baby, why did you turn away from me?”

“Because I needed to, because sometimes I don’t even think you realize that you aren’t a person anymore.”

I winced, sighed and let my head drop. “Alright, if that’s how you feel.”

I slipped out of the bed, feet hitting the cold stone of the floor, and quickly yanked on a pair of yoga pants and a sport tank and headed off to the kitchen. I almost expected him to follow me. I knew he wouldn’t, when he gets like this he never does. I half hoped that the guys were coming over to snag him for a rehearsal today. As the coffeemaker began to drip I scooped my hair into a ponytail on the top of my head. He called me pebbles when I did that, not that he had done that lately. I glanced around at the quaint stone cottage and made a face at the boxes I had yet to unpack.

I just didn’t have the strength or energy lately, honestly all I wanted during this break was to rest and spend time with Eric. But my time with him kept leading to these petty fights and I just, I just didn’t know what to do. He’s so logical and I’m so not. I’m spontaneous and he’s organized. I love clutter and he, well he can’t leave dishes in the sink overnight.

Adding some coffee to my sugar and cream I plopped down in my oversized armchair and flipped the lid open to the box closest to me. Pulling a manila envelope out of the top, I frowned because I didn’t remember when or how that got there. I opened it slowly and placing my coffee on the table next to me, reached in tentatively. It was full of pictures.

I pulled them out one by one, studying each and every detail. Some were from even before we hit it big. Way before. Some were from high school, HIGH SCHOOL. When my hair we all kinds of curious colors, and there was smiles on all of our faces. Each of the pictures as they fell into my lap brought back memories I hadn’t had in so long. Some bad and some good but each had lyrics and poems attached to them. I knew what I had to do to get out of this funk. I grabbed my pone and loaded up a bunch of songs and stood up letting the pictures flutter to the floor.

I hastily wrote a note and left it on the table:

Eric,

Went for a run to clear my head. Technology free day, soon as I come home. Yes I have it on me, and my knife and my pepper spray.

Love you,

Shaye

 

Placing my ear buds in, I stretched my legs out and headed out the door of my small stone fortress, and out into the woods. Taking in a deep breath of that green fresh mountain air I began to slowly jog, losing myself in my memories.

© S.R. Gray 2016

I Love You Forever

I love you forever
I like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be

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I remember life before I was a Mom. I can tell you some tales that are outlandish but true. But those are in days long past, in a memory box, on a shelf not yet forgotten.

Jayson and Kaylin showed me how pure and divine love is. That there can be tears and scrapes along the way but nothing will bounce back quicker, fight harder or grow stronger than the soul of a Mother. 

Now I know that you can eat oreos dipped in orange juice and that boogers are nutrious. I know that when push comes to shove you can and will use anything to clean up spills, that magic eraser doesn’t work on all paint and stains on beige carpet are harder to get out than one would think.

But I also know a tutu goes with everything (so does a Batman mask). I know the satisfaction of being read to. And how important having medicinal peas in the freezer are.

Today is one of those days I am counting my blessing as I can hold my babies tightly. My thoughts are with those whose time was cut short. May they shine brighter than the rest of all the stars. And may we know that they are ever by our side, waiting patiently, till we can take them in our arms again.

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We Have Apples

So there is this wonderful mental illness blog that I follow by Rachel Griffin called We Have Apples. A little bit ago she had put up a post asking for pictures, both uplifting and at our times of trouble to put in a music video for a project she is doing. Let me give it to yo in her own words (it pasting it from her site)

“As a lot of you know, I’m a singer/songwriter in New York City with a fabulous life…. and a mental illness! (the two can go together! And errr.. it wasn’t always that way! LOL) I am so passionate about mental health awareness, ending the stigma, and connecting with other warriors like you! I am also writing a musical about these topics.More about the mental health musical I’m writing, We Have Apples, can be found on the website. You can also hear songs there. (But the song for this video is not released, yet- You’ll be the first to hear it, though!) If you want, you can sign up for the show’s mailing list to be kept posted on the development!:)

I was just selected as a Dramatists Guild Fellow, which means this year I will be working on developing We Have Apples with Broadway professionals!

More about my career as a singer/songwriter at: Rachel Griffin Website. This info I’m giving is not because I want to brag, but I want to tell you a little about my career so you know this song and video we are going to make will be high quality and could do very well! 🙂 I’ve won two National songwriting contests, recently wrote a song for an internal Macy’s campaign, and I have a publishing deal for a few of my pop songs.”

Well I participated in this as mental health is a very important subject to me….Obviously. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will get to work it Rachel in the future. But here it is…..My debut in a music video….Pass and share it is so important!!!!

Superhuman Spoonie Squad

Recently I made a group on Face book called *see title of post* I was tired of joining groups with over 1000 plus members and trying to find my niche.

Superhuman Spoonie Squad

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This was my callout for my members

I have started a group for all of my spoonies. Because sometimes it’s nice to have a place to go, when you can’t have a friend to hold your hand, and there isn’t over 2 billion strangers to try and converse.

So raise your hand if you need a voice, a hand or just to lurk and hear what spoonies like you have to say.

Safe space. Is what I intend. Rant, vent, laugh, cry…..

Comment, pm, tx, email….get in touch

Superhuman Spoonie Squad

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This was what I had to say about me.

So let’s see….
Graves disease
Immunothrombocyticpurpua
IgA Deficiency
Chronic fatigue syndrome
Fibromyalgia
Uticaria focal caused by who the fuck knows anymore
Bipolar II
Borderline personality disorder w/narcissistic tendencies
Anxiety disorder
Binge Eating Disorder
PTSD from all forms of abuse, violence and my miscarriages
Oh and I randomly black out for reasons they still don’t know

At least I don’t have cancer?

Well yall know me. I’m a sassy, snarky survivor that tries (sometimes too hard) and pushes myself (definitely to hard). So as I get my computer fixed I can continue writing the books that I have started. I am going back to school in the fall to get my bachelor in therapy for teens with mental and personality problems.
My dream is to open a coffeeshop, with mismatch in cushions that is a safe space. A Place Where IF YOU NEED help YOU HAVE someone to talk to. It’ll have books and board games and at ni h t there will be optional group meetings. THE Walls Wil BE DECORATED By PHOTOGRAPHS AND Art From Local artists. My photography studio will be in the back.

They are still fucking with my meds so if I say non sensible things In here I’m sorry. My fibro flares seem to be worse because of the rest of my diseases.

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I know some of my readers and fellow bloggers use this world as a safe space to vent. I want you to know that there are other places as well. I have my degree in therapy as does a few in my group, but that is not what the group is for.

This is what my group is all about.
Friendship, handholding, venting,laughing, crying and being the incredible human beings we are….even if we don’t see it some times.

If you want to you are invited to join us, to lurk, to talk, to listen and to make or 5.

Superhuman Spoonie Squad

I belive in you.

Sparkly love

Shaye

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The two week wait… Guest Post by Victoria

This guest poster speaks the blunt and honest truth for a lot of us ladies out there…I hope she keeps writing for us. Without further ado, Victoria =^D

It’s a whole other universe out there, when you’re trying to conceive. Your body aches, longs and pines for a life to be growing inside you. You dream about those little pink lines at night. You religiously track your cycle and analyze every. Little. Thing your body does!

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From burping to headaches, you convince yourself, this is it! This is my month. And then you wait for the big O. Now, I’m not talking about an orgasm, though naturally, that all adds to the fun of conceiving. No, I am referring to ovulation. One of those weird, taboo words we’re not supposed to say…ovulate. It’s up there with cervical mucus and cervix firmness.

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But for the ladies that are actively trying to get knocked up, it’s their everyday vocabulary. Abbreviations begin floating into conversations with friends. “Yeah, I’m like 8 DPO and in my 2WW. It’s so difficult. I’m pretty sure AF is circling though. But, the EWCM was so promising this cycle!”
Roughly translated… “Yeah, I’m like 8 days past ovulation and in my 2 week wait. It’s so difficult and I’m pretty sure Aunt Flow is circling though. But, the egg white cervical mucus was so promising this cycle.”

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All of these terms probably seem alien to you unless you too have experienced the emotional process of TTC (Trying to conceive) See, when you’re a kid, you kind of just assume you’ll grow up, meet someone, fall in love, get married and have babies. Right? WRONG!

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Having a baby, for me, has become a military operation! From ovulation tests, monitors and basal body temperature checks, it’s taking over my life!

And not to mention all the sex! There is nothing as unbelievably unsexy than planned, regimented, scheduled sex every two days! I begin to look at my husband as less than human and more like a sperm bank. “It’s Friday. Time for a deposit, lover!”

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And even when the deed is done and the little swimmers are making their way to the (hopefully) ripe and ready egg…it’s still not over. In fact, now the real heart wrenching, body aching and vomit inducing anxiety starts!

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They say that the more you worry, the less likely you are to conceive but it’s easier said than done. Waiting two weeks to either sob ones heart out or sob with joy is a draining experience.

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You talk about it constantly. Every day Aunt Flow stays away you’re that much closer to your baby dreams! Your husband tries to hide his excitement. You begin gazing at baby clothes, furniture, wallpaper etc. You even stopped hating your neighbor who is knocked up, again, with her fourth! Because apparently the woman can’t look at a guy without getting pregnant!

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But you’ll make idle chit chat with her because soon, you’ll be in her club too! Your heart swells with excited joy and you begin to plan your little darling’s whole life!

so-excited-gif3And then, AF is late! It’s late! She’s not here!
So you rush to the bathroom, pregnancy test in hand and lovingly gaze at the tiny little window; praying for just one more little line. A hint of a line and…nothing. Zilch. Nada. You toss the damn thing in the trash and hate yourself for thinking you were even close.

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You go out, get a cup of coffee from Starbucks and wallow for three hours, hating your uterus. And then, just as you stand to leave…Aunt Flow shows up with more baggage than ever! She’s ready to settle in for a week-long visit.

And you loath her. Hate her. Fuck you, Aunt Flow!

pqnXV9oAnd it’s ok. She knows you didn’t want her to visit but on the bright side, she lets you know that you at least ovulated that month. Bonus…right?

Shut up, Aunt Flow!

vma-crying-5Then, when she leaves, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Because, hey, there’s always this cycle…

deepbreathcalmThank you, ladies of the ATC group, Babycentre. I’d go mad without you guys!