Category Archives: True love

Unrealistic Expectations 

The movie Practical Magic holds a special place in my heart. The weird, kooky, romantic yet family oriented plot reached me on so many levels. So far this year has not been peaches and cream so I found myself turning to this movie to help me smile or even just cry it out. I find myself drawn to on part in particular —

Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.

Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?

Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.

Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.

Young Sally Owens: That’s the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist, I’ll never die of a broken heart.

Everyday I think about how proud I am of how far I’ve come. As an independent woman, as a free thinker and as a strong mother. I know that I am a whole person worthy of many great things. There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever be ready to let someone else in. If there will ever be someone that can love to real, whole me. 

So in preparation for this moment in the future I came up with a list of standards that my next partner in crime needs to meet. It’s been decided that they need at least a 65% pass rate to move onto the next round. It is totally unrealistic and very Practical Magic of me. I don’t actually expect any of it to come true but some of the requirements would be swoonworthy. It is as follows – 

1. Can sing (or gives it their best shot)

2. Can dance (or at least be willing to make a fool out of themselves trying)

3. Must be a geek  (or love em)

4. Must be intelligent

5. Must be funny

6. Must be charming

7. Must enjoy ALL kinds of movies

8. Must have nice arms

9. Must have a good bad guy smirk

10. Must have a job

11. Said job must be secure

12. Must get along with his family

13. Must get along with my family

14. Must want A family

15. Must be able to hold a conversation

16. Must be able to debate

17. Must be able to communicate

18. Must love dogs

19. Must be honest

20. Must be loyal

21. Must love Disney

22. Must be romantic

23. Must be well read

24. Must be willing to read

25. Must be quirky

26. Must speak at least 2 languag

27. Must be unfuckingbelievable

28. Must have great hair

29. Must appreciate ALL music

30. Must have expressive eyebrows

31. Must look like or at the least resemble in anyway the following actors

Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt, John Cusack, Josh Peck, Steve Brundage, Iwan Rheon, Billy Boyd, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Justin Long, Jay Baruchel, Bill Hader, Richard Gene or Patrick Swayze

Beautiful words. Shattered dreams

I cleaned out the happy jar, to save myself the pain of doing it at the end of year. My children should not think about what we’ve lost. I found beautiful words.

Lovely memories to smile upon 

But as I smiled the tears began to tall. Because such wonderful words were marred as I remembered…

That a little over 6 weeks later. The dreams turned to nightmares.

I began to cry harder as I wondered what was real and what was fake. Did those words express what was really felt.

I realized I believed in the words. In the life we once had. And I cried for the confusion. The loss of something real. Something beautiful. Something that will never be repaired.

A love that was so pure. An end that was never written. In the stars. A tragic faerietale.

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter. 

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter. 

Puzzle Pieces

There are those out there that can say I found the missing piece to my puzzle. I believe that there are so many pieces to your puzzle that even by the end of your life you may not have all the pieces. You start out born as a single piece when you are born. Slowly but sure you begin to build your puzzle. Your family and each of the people that you meet in your life become those core pieces designing the picture that makes up the foreground in your picture. The events that shape you become the dark and light bits of your background. Your core memories become the cornerstones anchoring it together. But what you don’t realize is that each step you take, every time you find that love, that fear, that heartbreak, that joy your puzzle doesn’t only add a piece but it changes, it expands to make sure the piece goes exactly here it belongs. It’s like the game of perfection, a bump to the table your puzzle is on and everything flips into the air and comes back down. Your core, your real picture falls back into place with maybe a new piece or two there or even a piece or two missing. Your background is the ever-changing, evermoving fluid part of your puzzle. It is like a 3-d picture frame or a part of the pictures in Harry Potter.

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There are pieces of your puzzle that will come in and change your picture, those pieces are the bigger pieces, the pieces that add the color, the detail. Those are your soulmates, your children, those people that have made your heart stronger, your soul more vibrant. Those are the people that have taken your pieces and turned them into something new. They have taken the faerie dust and helped you shape it into a magnificent new creature. Those pieces are also the ones who have broken you, only have helped you figure out how to help you build yourself up into who you have become today.

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What happens when the pieces that once fit, don’t anymore? That’s a question you always ask yourself. Well, the answer is this. Nothing happens. Those pieces will always be part of your puzzle. It is not that they don’t fit, it is that they fade in color and more into the background of your life. All the pieces of your puzzle are so important to who have become today. And sometimes just sometimes, when you least expect it…A background piece bursts back into color and makes its way back into the main picture. All it takes is a visit home, a surprise phone call or a birthday card sent to a friend you haven’t seen in so any years. Their color may fade and drop away again… live in those moments, because those moments are the ones that you will treasure forever.

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Take a moment today to enjoy your puzzle

Sparkle sparkle

Shaye

xoxo

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Two Weeks. Two Lives. Two Masks.

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I wear two masks constantly. Day in and day out and I only take them off to breathe when the chance arises. That chance isn’t often and when I can breathe it isn’t pretty, relaxing or fun. I have a public mask you see. For the day to day, a super mom personal to keep up with the masses, the strangers, the parents at school and those who only seem me through a porthole in the side of my life boat.

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Then there is the mask in private. The one who play her cards close but wears her heart on her sleeve. This mask is thinner, more translucent, closer to me. But I hold things behind it very few can see. I’ve only let a few see me with out it.

I’ve come to realization that under these masks I’m lost. The sight isn’t pretty, there are tear stained cheeks. There’s a girl who wants everyone to be happy. There’s a girl that needs to be reassured she is loved.

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The past two weeks were rough. Masks ripped off. Sea salt scrubbed in the woulds. I Thought Of Self garm. I would never do it because of my sprites but I just wanted to hear that people still wanted ME around. Not the kids but ME. That’s all I wanted to hear.

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As the weeks of pain and heart break subsided I felt better. Be it my meds, my therapy ir just thinking it through I’m done with my masks. I wish I had a sledgehammer to break them.

I’m tired of hiding me. I’m tired of my two seperate lives. I’ve given up the drama and negativity. I am cleansing everything because what I’m building is fragile and takes time. But it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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Mother’s Day

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“Mama, I made you breakfast!”

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Bleary eyed and very aware of a strong scent of ranch dressing I glance at my cell phone. It’s 7:03am…My sprite has made me a cheesy ranch wrap for breakfast. I hug him with all my might, trade him for a granola bar, glass of milk and tell him I’ll eat it for lunch. Then we snuggle with the Pixie who is still half asleep perpendicular to me. I don’t know how he wriggled his way from between us but he did.

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The day commences with a nap, a gorgeous plant, who is affectionately named Spengler, who I am NOT allowed to take care of because and I quote “You are a danger to nature”.

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Gorgeous pictures, cards and a teeny book all made by the Pixie. Then out the door we go.

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We wave to all the people waiting for the Mother’s Day trucks on the side of the highway, feeling like stars, and head into see Civil War. HOLY FUCK IT’S AMAZING!!!! Pixie fell asleep towards the end but the Sprite and I must see it again. Then it’s home again.

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Some downtime, Once Upon a Time, bedtime, Game of Thrones and here we are. There were tears shed. Tears for those I lost and missed  tears for those that usually call but didn’t and tears because the Three Musketeers all felt like a piece of their family was missing today. But we survived it and the day was so very special.

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I hope you all had a sparkly Mother’s Day

Shaye
Xoxo

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Sleeping Dogs

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People tell you that you should let sleeping dogs lay still. That they are put to bed and should stay there. A lot of those times ut is easy to do. It helps heal your soul, move past your grief and travel forward in your life.
It can be the hardest process to put what you consider unfinished to bed,specially when your ink has run out somewhere in the middle. But you still move forward, taking care of what you must and finding you again. That’s where I was. 58lbs lighter, a smile on my face, laughter, friends, my wonderful sprites. A whole new adventure full of surprises in front of me.
But there was a rascal of a puppy who would stay asleep. One that I cared for so much and gave so much too that once my healing had really progressed, I thought we would fall back into friendship. He wouldn’t rest but he wasn’t ready. When he was, we started to, with such ease that it seemed like the bad had been left behind.
Wouldn’t you know it, my support and love and friendship made the bad catch back up and that puppy may be removed all together. I sit and think and dissect my words. I did nothing erong. I nurtured and supported but it was too much. Me being ok was too much. I had stopped fighting and started supporting and seems all for naught. We shall see what the days ahead bring. Whether my sprites shall be scarred from the scratches of yesterday. I only wish that the gauntlet hadn’t been thrown down. Hadn’t enough people suffered.

Nope…I’m the one who goes to sleep in tears because she cannot listen to her own words.

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Mother’s Day Approaches

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Mother’s Day….For so many years I dreamed of that day and I thought I’d never have kiddos. Because I was told I medically couldn’t. I now sit and reflect over the pass 9 years with my sprites and think about how lucky I am.

I am lucky they are healthy and happy, they are intelligent and witty, they are pure souls with kind hearts and gentle spirits. I am lucky they are compassionate and capable. That they love to learn and laugh and that each day they teach me more about myself.

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I think about my angels in heaven. My two girls who curled up next to my heart instead of in my arms. How I was given a chance to carry them inside me for as long as I did and when the day comes what hugs they will give me. How they are forever protecting and watching over us as we go through this life without them.

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As Mother’s Day Approaches I think about no matter how much the three of us have been through, we have always made it out for the better. How the Three Musketeers can take on the world. How being a single Mom has brought me to where I am today. It has given me the gift of learning not only how to be a Mommy but how to be their best friend. A bond that can never be broken.

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As Mother’s Day approaches, I have a slight twinge of sadness, for the only person who my kids see as their Daddy is not here. How last year I knew what it was like to be surrounded by a whole and complete family. How last year I was woken with kisses and my sprites had someone to help them pick out exactly what they wanted to get me. How there were sweet words and arms to curl up in at night. How we didn’t know it yet but there was another life growing in my belly.

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People have asked me what I want for Mother’s Day, and this is what I’ve said:
I want to be surrounded by my family
I want to be smothered in love
I want sweet kisses
I want sweet words
I want cuddles and snuggles
I want a day of love

If you ask me what thing I want that have a monetary value, my list is short and not needed, but here it is:
I want cards
I want a Wicket
I want to see Civil War
I want a new pair of sneakers

Those are not necessities. They are not what Mother’s Day is about.

This Mother’s Day I will still be surrounded by my family. My wonderful sprites with their laughter and kisses. And I will spend the day with their love.  I will spend the day cherishing that I have been able to be a Mom. And I will spend the day sending sparkle thoughts to those out there who are, will be and are even in the simplest sense Mother’s to those around them.

Sparkle sparkle
Shaye
Xoxo

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Seperate Paths… (until we meet again)

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If you asked me how I am today
I’d tell you I don’t know
If you tried to touch my heart today
I’d beg you to go slow
The smile begot the tears somehow
And down my cheeks they flow
And if you ask me to explain
I’d silently mouth no

There used to be a place in time
I knew what it all meant
A happiness inside my soul
Where all the feelings went
But now I feel my insides steam
Just looking for a vent
An emotional toll paid out by me
My change has all but spent

A silent tear rolls down my cheek
As I gaze up to the star
I wonder if somewhere out there
You miss me from a far
I close my eyes and make a wish
Just like I did that day
That you’ll be happy no matter what
Even though you went away

I gave so much of me to you
Even though you did not know it then
From heart and soul to trivial things
Like words beneath this pen
You gave toe all that you had
I hold it close this day
And wish that I had the words
To make you come and stay

But our paths have split and we have gone
Alone our seperate ways
We’ve done this dance a time ago
And here we are to day
So when you look upon the stars
Before you close your eyes
Just know that beyond the scope of time
It’s never a good bye

And if in dreamland we should meet
At that place where we were one
Just take my hand and sit with me
Until our time does come
To rise again another day
To face the world again
And know that I’ll be always here
Forever my best friend ♡

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