Category Archives: Trigger

I’m not like you but I LOVE me

c41819a16fa36c0755343a11910be47eI’m not like you, I never claimed to be. But you have no right to sit there and make assumptions about who I am because I don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold you have decided that life should be. I am rough around the edges. I say exactly what I mean. I can come off as abrasive and even a little mean, but at least I am always honest. My clothes are not name brand but I always look good wearing them. My face seems betrays my age, so I may look younger than you ever imagined and maybe even more than you feel. I had my kids at an early age, we are close and the tell me everything. I have my own personal sense of style, nothing you say or do is going to take that away from me. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, the ink on my skin and the color in my hair does not make me less mature than you. I laugh when I find things funny, I don’t laugh when things you find amusing hurt other people. I do not tolerate ignorance, hatred of bullying and I will raise my voice up against them. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have fought for everything that I have and I have done a fucking good job of making a life for myself. I curse like a sailor when it’s appropriate but I know when to keep my mouth shut. I will fight to the bitter end for something I believe in but no I won’t reprimand my child if they haven’t done something wrong in my eyes. I teach tolerance not hate. I teach acceptance not bigotry. I teach love not war. I don’t believe that there is a difference between you and me just because we come from different walks of life, I teach my children that all people are the same and I will not have you sully their innocence because you have a problem with me. My children as smart and funny, well fed and clean, well mannered and innocent…Just because you do not appreciate who I am as a human, neighbor, mother or any of the labels you have affixed me with you will NOT treat my child like a pariah. Mark my words darlin, karma is a bitch and I won’t be around when it comes back to bite you in your less that well-mannered ass. I am not like you and I will never be. And that is quite alright because I am perfectly happy LOVING me. 

 

Breakthrough Depression in Words

Walking down the shore at dusk, the air is soft and warm, the smell of the ocean is inviting. My mind begins to wander, thoughts of what is yet to come fill my mind and I sigh happily content with what the future may bring. And then it happens, I hear a little voice in my head and that voice isn’t talking to me. It is a distant memory that I have buried in the back of my mind and it is getting louder. One glance out to the ocean and I can tell it is uneasy. As the waves begin to bubble up my body tries to turn so that my steps take me further from the waters edge but I am frozen. I am frozen as the sudden wave comes crashing over me, threatening to pull me into the depths of the water. As the waves crest to crash again I hear that voice louder this time. The water stings my eyes and as I try to blink I see memories of the days in the past. The water is tugging at me and it knocks me to the ground. The swell happens again and the voices and the pictures and the memories flood over me as I cling to the sand holding on for dear life. Tears fill my eyes over and over again and the waves crash and I sob, nails digging into the shore unwilling to let myself be pulled into the chaotic whirlpool that is the angry water. The waves last an indeterminant amount of time, and the salt water mixes with my tears and I am no longer able to tell the difference. My body is sandy and soaking as I press myself to the sand begging the water to cease. Finally, battered and worn, I feel the warm air on my back again and I realize the water is further away than it was to start. The waves have calmed and my body is tired. I pull myself into a sitting position, knees to chest, arms wrapped around to warm myself and I watch as the sun finally sinks into the water. My eyes swollen from the memories they saw, my body tired from the fearsome fight and my mind full of what ifs. But I made it, and it did not pull me down this time. I am allowed to cry, I am allowed to feel sorrow and pain, I am allowed to fight through the pain all of it caused but I am NOT allowed to give up. I deserve the solace and peace of mind that comes with moving forward. I deserve the happiness that lays in front of me. I know the ocean has not finished its fight with me and I never know when it is going to try to pull me under again but I know that I will be ok. I’ve come so far and I am ok.

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Who do you think you are (not an ode to RENT)

I just need to unburden in a fantastic explosion. Now my soul feels lighter *authors afterthought*
Who do you think you are? Did you really think it wouldn’t get back to me, did you really think that my best friend wouldn’t tell me that you talk to her? Who do you think you are? When you cut somebody out of your life the way you did to me you cut out all the people that are close to them. You cut out their family, you cut out their friends, you cut out the people that love them. You don’t get advice you don’t get counsel you don’t get the privilege of talking to the people that they mean the most to. You think you can apologize for the things that you did to my best friend and have it not get back to me? You think that she’s the one that deserves the apology and not me? You left, without word without notice without and I’m sorry. You gave me the illusion that everything was going to be ok. You promised my children, you promised me, you promise the world that you would always be there. And look at what happened, you lied. You lied to everyone. You said don’t worry about it it’s just a test to see what’ll happen. I’m just saying these things to see what the response would be. I’m still standing here right? And then you left and said you needed to clear your head but that everything would be ok. You lied! You told my son that not a day would go by that he couldn’t pick up the phone and callyou. You lied to him. You told him that you would always be his person. And you’re not. You told my daughter you would always be there for her. And you’re not. You lied to the world. And I had to carry that burden because I cared about you. Well you know what, I don’t care anymore. I’m better than that. I stopped lying, I was honest, I believed in you. You don’t get that privilege anymore. You destroyed every ounce of faith I had in you. Because you broke your word. You said I was better off without you, you said the kids were better off without you. Well you know what? You were right! I hid you from the world, I held you when you cried, i listened to everything that went through your head, I covered up your lie, I thought I was doing something for the greater good. I thought that your life would be better with us in it. And it would have because we loved you. But I did everything on the good faith that you would stick around because I believed in you. You told me you weren’t good enough, you told me that I was better than that, you told me you would never force me to lie. And you didn’t force me (just pled that i perpetuate it) and i did, I did it because I believed that was the right thing to do. And you know what it was for awhile, until I realized that I was only hurting myself and the people I cared about. So I let you go and I am better now for it. But you don’t get the privilege of talking to my friends. And you don’t get the privilege of unburdening yourself and apologizing to the people that don’t need your apologies. The people that deserve an apology are my children. And the people that you should admit your lies to…well I guess that’s none of my business anymore. I’m done, I’m so done, I was done before I wrote this and this is the last time I’m going to talk directly to you because I don’t even know if you deserve this many words. It’s sad when somebody you loved so much shows you their true colors and everybody else saw them before you did.

My Girls in Heaven (trigger warning)

If I close my eyes and wish hard enough, dream sweetly enough I can hear your laughter. Soft and sweet giggles on the wind. I can feel your little hands close in mind as we go running through the field of wildflowers into the woods where we play hide and seek. I can see your eyes, bright blue and bright green, your hair in alternate shades of deep and light red, your skin pale as the day is long with those scatter freckles across your cheeks just like your brother and sister. I can hear your soft sweet voices singing on the wind as we tumble to the ground and make daisy crowns for our hair while we play by the water’s edge on our afternoon adventure. I feel the weight of your bodies in my lap as I hold you in my arms not wanting this day to end, this dream to be woken from. Your sweet kisses to my cheeks assure me that you will be there again when I come to visit you, that I don’t belong there to stay, that it’s time for me to go home. And when reality sets back in and I open my eyes to the world with tearstained cheeks, I know that somewhere you are still watching over me.

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I scoop up my babies and hold then tight, whispering to them how much I love them. They ask me why I have tears in my eyes and all I can tell them is that it is because I am so happy to have them with me. It is not a lie, I am happy, I am lucky that I get to hold them in my arms, that I get each and every day with them. The only part I leave out is that part of the reason for the tears is for their siblings who are always watching us and will one day be able to hug us when our souls join with theirs. One day I will tell them about their sisters who will forever be in our hearts. But for today, I will wrap them up in all over my love.

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There is for as long as I have known a stigma around writing about miscarriage, a taboo about the written word of losing a baby before they were born. But my girls were a part of me and I am not ashamed to say that. There is a part of my heart and soul that no matter what anyone says or how much time has passed that won’t stop hurting for the loss of them. They were part of me, I created them, I saw them, I knew they were there in my soul and then they weren’t. And that loss is soul crushing.

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When I found out I was pregnant in 2008 I was beyond the moon, a second baby when I was told I couldn’t have a first. I knew that this pregnancy was going to be different because I couldn’t even stand the smell of sugar, oh it was terrible. I was somewhere between 7-10 weeks along when I lost her that Father’s Day, June 21, 2008. It was confirmed by a test the next day, they took my blood and called me and I remember the phone falling out of my hands and dropping to the ground. I remember feeling crushed. I held my spritely boy that day so tightly as though the heavens would take him from me too. Later than summer I was granted a wish and therein lie the miracle and my Pixie was born 2 months after her sister should have been.

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We thought I was sick in 2015, we thought it was my lap band, we thought it was something with my stomach, I went under surgery twice not knowing. And then the results came in, I was pregnant. I was thrilled, beyond thrilled, I had a wonderful relationship and everything was going well. I was terrified and anxious and excited, I was going to do everything right this time. But everything wasn’t going as planned. The first sonogram showed her smaller than she should have been but that was ok. Then the next one, I saw her heart beating! I saw it, it was slow but it was there and I thought, look at that, this is really happening. I tossed away all the concerned looks that everyone else had because of how small she was still measuring. Then it happened the next week. She was still there, a smudge and actual smudge, I saw her…but her heart had stopped beating and she was gone, just gone. And so was I., This time, it wasn’t just let nature happen, it was medical intervention happens. We didn’t know exactly how far along I was. But June 8th, 2015 was her day, her birthday I suppose but as she had passed while still inside my body I don’t know what t call it. She was about the age as her sister had been, but the whole experience was different. This one included contractions and pain and the whole experience I had with my live births. I was devastated. My life would be forever changed.

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Why am I writing this now? Because it is June, because June for me is a hard month, one of plenty of happiness but one of a lot of pain. One that will bring about the summer and one that will forever remind me of my angel babies. May-June one day be a month of rebirth for me and not hold my heart so heavy, this is what I can wish for. So today I will go and make a flower crown with my faerie kids, we shall run and we shall play and we shall laugh. And our laughter will bring us smiles and I know somewhere our angels are smiling down on us.

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Mommy loves you

Always

Shaye

xoxo

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Bandaids

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Raw edges of a soul torn open, yet the wound will never heal if you keep touching the edges. Flashes if a past, of friendships long forgotten, of family so dear, stitched up inside you so tight. Until the day….until the day you switch gets flipped and without knowing it those wounds are torn open. Years of blame, guilt, regret. Years of. Instability, worthlessness, invalidation come pouring out.

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And it isn’t till you catch yourself staring at the label on a valium bottle that you realize your face if soaking wet and your curled under a blanket. It isn’t until your wrists at skinned raw and blood is dripping down your fingers that you think maybe you need stronger duct tape to hold your wounds shut. You watch your shattered pieces gather themselves with pieces of glitter and glue trying to rebuild itself into some semblance of what it once was.

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But a bandaid can’t fix a shattered soul, a valium coma can’t make you survive the day and blood is better inside then out.

So take a deep breath and grab yourself some glitter. You will survive. I believe in you.

Shaye
Xoxo

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Two Weeks. Two Lives. Two Masks.

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I wear two masks constantly. Day in and day out and I only take them off to breathe when the chance arises. That chance isn’t often and when I can breathe it isn’t pretty, relaxing or fun. I have a public mask you see. For the day to day, a super mom personal to keep up with the masses, the strangers, the parents at school and those who only seem me through a porthole in the side of my life boat.

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Then there is the mask in private. The one who play her cards close but wears her heart on her sleeve. This mask is thinner, more translucent, closer to me. But I hold things behind it very few can see. I’ve only let a few see me with out it.

I’ve come to realization that under these masks I’m lost. The sight isn’t pretty, there are tear stained cheeks. There’s a girl who wants everyone to be happy. There’s a girl that needs to be reassured she is loved.

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The past two weeks were rough. Masks ripped off. Sea salt scrubbed in the woulds. I Thought Of Self garm. I would never do it because of my sprites but I just wanted to hear that people still wanted ME around. Not the kids but ME. That’s all I wanted to hear.

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As the weeks of pain and heart break subsided I felt better. Be it my meds, my therapy ir just thinking it through I’m done with my masks. I wish I had a sledgehammer to break them.

I’m tired of hiding me. I’m tired of my two seperate lives. I’ve given up the drama and negativity. I am cleansing everything because what I’m building is fragile and takes time. But it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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I’m here for you. For as long as you need me.

I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.

I am here for you. For as long as you need me.

Sparkles,

Shaye

Xoxo

 

The Process of Healing

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At first you are so numb that emotions only break through when you least expect it. Your heart feels like an empty spot in your chest. You’ve loved so much it burst and the faerie dust leftover slips through your fingers. You don’t know if it is going to blow away with the next gentle breeze. You know this isn’t a time to escape in your head but you can’t escape
thoughts that push you down.

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Then you’re mad. Anger blossoms in that empty hole. Seeing red becomes the only thing to do. Mad at the world, at yourself, at the one who shattered you in the first place. You question your choices, your past. You go over, dissect and eviscerate your choices, your relationship, your words, your mistakes. And when you are through overanalyzing you cry.

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The emotion finally swells and you cry like the tears have been there your whole life and you broke the dam. Your body’s is broken with sobs and you can’t hold yourself together. Everything becomes a trigger, everything hurts, you always want to share it with the piece of you that’s gone. It’s unexplainable, even you don’t understand it; one day you are fine and the next you can’t stop the waterfall.

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No matter how long this stays, eventually it goes and that’s when you begin to heal.
You start by waking up and feeling a little better everyday. You don’t take everything so personally. You still feel those feelings but you only give yourself a minute to wallow or the length of a phone call to your best friend. You hold onto the good memories, smile at things on Pintrest and start letting people see you for you again. You aren’t ready for another book to be written again but eventually you wouldn’t mind scribbling a few pages in your journal.

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Eventually you will. You will laugh again. You will have your hand held. Your bed won’t always be empty. Someone will say something so funny you will laugh till your sides hurt. Someone will cup your face gently and give you a first kiss. And it will be wonderful. Because you have healed. And you are worth it.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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You’re last gift to me (I wish)

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You can make wishes on stars, candles, minutes of a clock. You can make them daily, hourly or even every time you take a breath. You can make the same wish over and over again until you are blue in the face and you lose hope of it coming true….and then it does. Or it did, when I wished for you. The answer to my wishes since I knew what I wanted to wish for. And now, because I know my wish has slipped through my fingers like sand, I only wish for one thing. I wish that the last time your lips met mine I had bathed in their sweetness, basked in our two souls wrapping around each other one last time, one last revelry in exstasis…in us. I think about that kiss, that last surprise and a smile crosses my lips as a tear rolls down my cheek. I wish……

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Don’t put off today, what you may not get to do tomorrow

My friend Tony wrote these incredibly touching words on why you shouldn’t put off I love you’s. Why saying goodbye comes way to fast and why you should always let those near and dear to you know that they have a place in your heart.

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I wanted to share something very important that we should all take to heart.  In this life all you have is your loved ones and your memories, and I finally realized after all these years you have to take advantage of them whenever you can.

There may not be a next fishing trip, the next cruise, the next family get together. I have buried more friends young than I have been to weddings, two this year that started seemingly innocent as a cold.  So don’t take for granted that there will be a next time, don’t let it get to “it’s been far too long” because you never know when too long will become too late.

Don’t be afraid to take that trip, spend the money, do something out of your comfort zone because that’s where our best memories come from.  Nobody talks about how awesome it was to sit home alone instead of making memories and I have made that mistake all too many times myself.  Don’t be afraid to tell your friends you love them, that they mean something to you.

Spend the money, spend your time, make things happen with the people you care about.  Don’t let the excuses, the laziness, the long drive, the lack of funds, the easy way out rob you of your life experiences.  Money isnt the end goal of our lives, that’s not why we work, its a tool to be used to manifest the life you want to live.  Go out and do it because there’s no guarantee there will be a next time.

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Thank you Tony, you have touch mine and many others hearts with your words

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