Category Archives: Supermommy

A love beyond

This was not the life I dreamt for you. As I look down on your faces, untouched by the burden of day to day life I see a world in which I pictured everything blissfully different. A house of our own, laughter every day, a yard for you to run around. I imagined strong arms that swept you up after a long day and wrestled with you as the day grew to night. Deep rumbling words filling your imagination as it ran wild into dreamland. I saw long adventures into the woods, onto the sands, with days spent filled with only what the minds eye could think up, never for a second worrying what would stop you. I pictured rooms filled with giggles, tiny hands making fingerprints on the walls and you never having to be alone. I never for a second thought of what tomorrow would bring. I never imagined life like this.

I didn’t realize it would ever be just us. The three musketeers bound by love and solidarity. I didn’t think it would be just me wiping the tears away or encouraging the smiles. I didn’t know I would be the one that filled all the roles in your young lives. I want to give you the world, all of it, wrapped up in a bow. To fill your lives with all the wonder and love your hearts could ever ask for, ever need. Never let you see how hard it is. But it is hard. I never planned for the Autism, the medication, the breakdowns. The working mom. The sibling rilvary. The alternate weekend split. I never wanted you to see me tired, anxious or scared. To feel the stress of how life can get to you sometimes. The realness of it all.

In all of this though, I look at your faces and realize I am doing something right. In the spaces in between. In the quiet moments. In the love that shines through. In the bond we have. We really do have it all. You astound me everyday with you intelligence, your kindness and your love. We may not have it all but we have enough. I may not be able to give you everything but you love me just as I am and that is the greatest gift of all. I know a love like no other. And it is the love I have for you. And that love is beyond all measure.

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A New Beginning

I wrote my heart out of Friday night. Ink splattered across my fingertips as words flew across the page in angry slahes. Some bitter, some resentful, some sad. In the end, I was empty. I felt like I had finally gotten everything that had been filling me up for so long, out of my soul. Every nlock, every jam, every bit of feeling toward what had happened came out. It only took 11,00 words. I couldn’t tell you what they said. I know im my heart that my voice is raw. Part of me is numb and the other part empty. 

And now I am at the precipice of a new beginning. A jumping off point, that I thought I had found before. I realize that I had never fully embraced all that had happened and what was to be. And that it had left mt stuck somewhere that I couldn’t move from. Frozen in time, niether for the good nor the bad. Replaying what had been and to scared of what will be. That is over now.

I am ready to emrace what is. The right now. Today I face the world free from the ties that bind. Knowing in myself that I could not change the past. That I have learned from it. And in that I have griwn. I embrace who I’ve become, where I am going. I am thankful for what I have and where I’ve been. I know my journey isn’t over and it will never lead me back to what has already been. I am a person of worth, of substance, of vitality. I am full of love for those who surround my life with goodness. I will do all that I can to show the world all that I have to give. In mind, body and spirit.  I am enough. 

Day 7 – Love Your Life in 30 Days

Just trying to figure things out in my life. I’m working on it. Trying to stay as positive and sparkly as I can. Today’s activity actually helped a lot. It was about visualization as you will read below and today I really enjoyed that. I got down to the basics and really enjoyed my day, cut down on all the negative self talk and really took care of loving the little things. It was an amazing and I am looking forward to tomorrow where we spend the entire day unplugged and just spending time with each other.

Here’s to another sparkly day!!!!

The activities leading up to Day 7 have all dealt with pro-actively creating transformation. Now, it’s time to go on the defense by observing your thoughts, words, and actions. When you play detective in this way, you can quickly stem the tide of any self-made negativity that may cross your wires or contradict the initiatives you’re taking to spark change. TODAY, simply observe all that you’re thinking, saying, and physically doing. This will help you to understand some of your subliminal inner messaging. When you don’t like what you’re thinking, saying, or doing, then deliberately and lovingly craft a counter-message to immediately put to use.

Day 5 – Love Your Life in 30 Days 

Here we are at day 5. Both kids and I are sick as dogs. We’ve spent the day on the couch, watching food network, cuddling and just trying to heal. I see stuff I have to do around the house and I have to admit I’m feeling a little defeated today. It could be the fever, the sick or the tired. Today is a visualization exercise. I have trouble with that in general but I hope that I can do it tonight when it counts so much. Wish me luck!
Day 5: Visualize – Imagine a Day in the Life You Dream of Living

Est. time: 5 minutes
Close your eyes for five minutes and imagine a typical day in the near future, once your priority areas for transformation have come to pass in the most exciting of ways (don’t worry about how such changes came to be). Imagine the sights, sounds, feelings, and conversations from such a day. Imagine how you feel when you wake up. Imagine celebrating. Imagine explaining the transformation to your friends. Imagine the sense of inner peace you will feel. Imagine where you might live. Imagine where you might vacation. Imagine what you might do for fun. Imagine what your new priorities for change will be. Imagine what your new challenges will be. Imagine all of it as if you are already living the life of your dreams.

Gentle Words

I used my words harshly today. I didn’t mean to, it was just the way they came out. I admonished instead of explaining. I scolded instead of entertaining the idea that the meaning of what was said was misunderstood. In brought down instead of listing up. I sent him off to school with out a smile on his face and now I feel a profound sense of guilt.

As a parent I know that it is easier to jump in at any moment and criticize instead of taking the time to understand. You get caught up in what is going on that instead of reaching out and finding the child within yourself you look at it at without taking the time to break it down as if you were the child yourself. It is one of our biggest fats. It rips our children to shreds as it can tear apart their small psyches. I try to not jump onto the bandwagon but sometimes I slip, this morning was one of those times.

I find it lately, specially during this time of year I get so caught up in my own head that I forget my mood effects theirs. They want my attention and love and I am just looking for an escape from the memory of yesteryear. I have not been paying the best attention to the world around me. But they are my world. I need to pull myself out of this funk. I need to put my priorities back in line. Catch up on what counts. Write more, sleep less. Stop letting the memories burden me and really just enjoy the now. Speak gently and let those snap judgements fall away. Later I’ll apologize for my harsh words and though I know I’ll be forgiven I hope that I didn’t leave a permanent mark. 

Be kind to yourself and to others

Xoxo

Tears of a child

It breaks my heart when they cry. when we’ve come so far but there is a moment, a song or a memory that takes them back to a place they used to we. More EXACTLY a place WE used to be. And this month holds no exceptions. This season holds no boundaries. Dates, books, songs, smells…all the things and promises that were made, that were left unfulfilled. The questions that were left unanswered. All the smiles that have faded, the laughter that has floated by with the wind. I feel helpless sometimes and all I can do is hold them. Promise them it will get easier, promise them a better tomorrow. Make new memories to wipe away the painful ones. Still their are traces of your fingerprints on their hearts. Your signature in their books. Your picture in their minds. I don’t know how to deny them your existence but if I could I would wipe you from their minds, a clean slate because the tears that spill is so fresh with pain. so full of hurt and innocence. It is as if you never realized or cared how much you damaged their fragile beating hearts. For shame that their first heartbreak will always be in the name of a father and not some silly person that meant less than nothing to them. The name Daddy etched in their hearts will forever be a sad cross to bear. Something you ruined in your selfish pursuit of something different. The tears of a child are something that one should never be to blame for. And my anger that rises as I wipe those tears away is only so laced by the fact that I know in my heart I can give them a better tomorrow now that you are gone. That  one day they will know what it is to love and be loved by someone who genuinely is going to be there for them forever. Who doesn’t break their promises and who answers all their questions with kind words and a gentle hand. My children will be ok and one day the heartache will quiet. This season may be long and cold but we will get through it together. And you, your heart will forever have a hole from the loss these beautiful souls.

Election Day Aftermath (Politics through the eyes of a child)

​I had to wake up my children this morning and explain to them who had won the election. At 7 and 9 years old we had discussed some of the details of the candidates and what was going on. They groomed their opinions from what they had learned in school, from me and from the parts of the debates that I let them sit and watch. They had asked questions throughout the campaigns. They made me diligently fact check and research because I wanted to give them the best answers I could. Never in my life have I been so politically involved. My gorgeous babies really wanted to know what their future held. They wanted to know what these two people could possibly do that could shape the next year’s of the world they lived in. 
So as we stepped into our little voting booth yesterday and filled out those boxes, going over each choice, they were so proud to be part of something bigger than themselves. They fought to stay awake to see how the number changed. We discussed popular and electoral votes. We watched the news and listened to the discussions and as I began to get a sinking feeling I tucked them into bed with only the sweetest of dreams and hoped for their sakes for the best.
This morning I had to wake them up and explain to them that in the end their choice didn’t win. They had so very many questions that I had to carefully answer. Because I realized that my answers would not only impact them today but for the rest of their lives. You see they are scared. Scared of everything they heard. Scared for their friends, for the cute old people they love so much, scared for the country getting blown up because of a guy that’s so angry all the time. I explained to them that when you live in fear there is only fear. That is why you have to hope. Hope for the better days ahead. Keep fighting for what you believe in no matter what people say. When you are presented with a situation where there is a bully, you stand tall and don’t let that bully take you down. They were angry that people picked him over her. I explained to them being angry is exactly what he is. Fueling anger with anger doesn’t make the situation better. It only leads to another word which we don’t use in this house, hate. When you fuel a hate fire with more hate you are only going to get negatives. Instead of that,I told them, go show those you love, those you are scared for, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. That you love them. That no matter what, you have their backs. Loving those around you won’t undo the damage but it will cool down the hurt that everyone is feeling. I told them that now is the time we all need to stick together, because only now will we see how much stronger we are together. My words seemed to make them feel better. They are still unhappy but they are starting to understand a little more and I am starting to realize that they grow up way too fast. 
So to you I say this. I too am afraid and worried and even angry at what has happened. But I will not stand here in hate and anger. Instead I will tell you this. I have your backs, through everything, no matter what. And I love you. We got this #alwayskeepfighting #strongertogether #thisisformykids

A WHole New World (Post surgery update)

Hey there out there!!!! How are you on this bright sunny day! I sure sound sparkly , don’t I? Well, I feel it, save for the soreness, the tiredness, and the itchy incisions…I feel like my life has been started over again!!! First and foremost let’s do a little copy and paste from what I wrote on Facebook because I want you to know that the sentiments I carry over there are just as much as the ones I have here. and then I’ll fill ya in on all the gory details.

A week ago I had a life-changing surgery. I have taken the past week to heal, reflect and really take in all the changes not only my body but my mind, heart, and soul were going through. It has been a long road to get here and I have come so far. I reflect on all the upward battles I have climbed, the tears I have cried and the work I have put in throughout this journey. I am so proud of where I am now and the story that I am just beginning to write. I thank all of you for your support, love and sparkle thoughts throughout all of this.

Starting this journey I was 356lbs. At the time of surgery on 9/26/2016 I was 309lbs. I am now 296lbs. I am under 300lbs for the first time since 2014. I am just getting started!

There ya go….I am just getting started, everyone. This is just the first week in my journey and it is so positive that I could sing. I haven’t done that yet, maybe I should. As long as it didn’t interrupt my new sleeve pal. So here’s how everything went down. My surgery was a little more complicated than they had expected. The doctor drew a picture and I added to it so that I could describe it a little better for you. (He thinks this is his big break to stardom!!!)

So let’s talk about my medicated labels….in purple Indent from lap band, in blue Very narrow opening, in pink Shaded part is gone.

So because I had a lap band placed before and my old surgeon placed it rather high there was a lot of scar tissue and a very narrow opening at the top of my belly. A lot of times this will deter a surgeon from doing sleeve surgery as it can make things rather tricky. Because of how well I have followed the rules and how much he believed in me, my wonderful surgeon cut away the scar tissue and made me a short and very distinctive sleeve. My sleeve has a very narrow opening on top and just a little ways in has a divot that makes the sleeve even narrower. The divot is scarred there because of the lap band and right now due to inflammation makes it semi-difficult to get any amount of liquids in a short sitting time. SO  have to take extra time and care to make sure I hit my protein and hydration goals. So what we are looking at is a sleeve that almost acts like a band at some points. It will be a distinctive thing for probably the rest of my life with w a little more restriction in that I may not be able to get away with “cheating” on my healthy eating. You know what, I happy about that! The less ways I can get around doing what I am supposed to do, the better! Don’t you think?

Anyway, at my post op visit yesterday he looked at my belly and said I was healing nicely. I told him My stomach looked like a sad old man. Or that I got into a knife fight in the dark. He told me I wounded him with my words. What do you think?

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Fun fact, my stomach got taken out of incision 1. It is one of the smaller ones but it had such a big job!!!!! Also, my stomach was still full of all the air and gas they filled I with so that they could get in there and look around.

So to round out my hospital tale, I was only supposed to be in there overnight. I was there 3 days. My pain tolerance isn’t very high but because there was so much scar tissue there was a lot more pain involved. My case is not your average everyday case, one of my sleeve sisters was up and moving the next day.

So here I am a week out. I am walking around. Attempting to get in all 64 plus ounces of water and at LEAST 60 grams of protein in. I am not allowed to drive until I am off my pain meds so that will take another day or two. I have already dropped a ton of weight.

Some NSV (Nonscale victories) that have been attained….I can sit more comfortably in a seatbelt. I don’t have to tilt the camera as far up not to have my face look funny in selfies. My pants that I bought pre-surgery that were too tight are nice as baggy on me now (the drawstring post surgery pants). My shirts are fitting in the sleeves and not as tight on the chest. I FEEL better!

And the big thing that has really begun o process for me is my mindset. I have really looked at this as a new start to everything. I have taken each day as it comes, processing old feelings away and really focusing on what lay ahead. I am not letting the things from my past bog me down anymore, why? because this is my chance at a whole new life. A healthy life for myself, my kids and our entire future. A lot of things are in the works for us and it only gets better from here. I hope your day is magical!

Sparkle Sparkle!

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Tomorrow’s the big day!!

​Well ya’ll, in less than 12 hours I will be horned, iv’d and ready to be rolled into that sterile room for one of the biggest days of my life. I have waited so long for this moment and worked so very hard and I can’t believe that the day is finally here. As I sit here eating a sugar free ice pop, while my house is filled with the smell of homemade pasta sauce and salad I realize how very lucky I am. I’m lucky to have a house filled with support and love, I’m lucky to have the support of you out there, I’m lucky to be able to take this step forward in confidence knowing I will succeed.  No matter what has happened and what will come to pass, this journey is worth everything I have gone through to get here. Tomorrow I start not just a new chapter but a whole new story in my life. I am starting this story with a fresh outlook, a fresh perspective and an enthusiasm that can not be matched. Tomorrow my new life begins, my journey towards a healthy, happy future for myself and my children. Can’t wait to get this party started! 

Check in with ya in the morning!!!

Sparkle thoughts!!!

Falling off the wagon

I want to say I’ve become terrible at blogging but I haven’t. I want to say I’ve stop caring about blogging but I haven’t. I want to say I’ve sat and stared at the cursor blinking for hours but I havent…in all honesty I’ve thought about blogging, life has happened, I put it off and moved on. Things have been crazy in these parts. I’m 9 days away from syrgery, 2 days in to my doctor ordered strict liquids only diet. I am suffering through incredible headaches, awful nausea and I either want to cry or scream it really just depends on the moment.

The emotions running through my head are really interesting. On one hand I’m scared of what’s going to happen in 9 days, scared because I don’t know if people are still going to love me for my insides or if they are going to just like my outsides. If I’m going to like my outsides. I know I will, I’m just nervous…the unknown is a scary this. Traveling headfirst into my new story, no one to hold my hand, no one to kiss my forehead and tell me they will love me no matter what. I have to learn how to validate myself and that my friends is hard to do.

I’ve realized that as the days pass by I am slowly letting my love dissapear, like Marty Mcfly of the past. I don’t even remember his voice anymore. It has been determined that I am a good person. I am a person that can not knowingly go out to hurt people. I can not wrap my head around how people can knowingly invalidate others and hurt them to the extent that I’d been hurt. That is what I am dealing with now. Coming to my own sense of closure and I am getting there. Just by living.

So between coping, closure, odd moments of preop fear and watching so many artsy movies I think I’ve been ok. I’ve realized that I’m allowed to be ok. Not only am I allowed to be ok, but I’m allowed to be ok and have bad days. I’m allowed to be ok and fall off the wagon. I’m allowed to be ok and still want to be loved, to miss feeling someone by my side. In fact, I’m allowed to just be. And that’s ok. 

I’m going to try and choke down another slimy shake, you know, for health purposes!

Sparkle thoughts!!