Category Archives: Superhuman

A WHole New World (Post surgery update)

Hey there out there!!!! How are you on this bright sunny day! I sure sound sparkly , don’t I? Well, I feel it, save for the soreness, the tiredness, and the itchy incisions…I feel like my life has been started over again!!! First and foremost let’s do a little copy and paste from what I wrote on Facebook because I want you to know that the sentiments I carry over there are just as much as the ones I have here. and then I’ll fill ya in on all the gory details.

A week ago I had a life-changing surgery. I have taken the past week to heal, reflect and really take in all the changes not only my body but my mind, heart, and soul were going through. It has been a long road to get here and I have come so far. I reflect on all the upward battles I have climbed, the tears I have cried and the work I have put in throughout this journey. I am so proud of where I am now and the story that I am just beginning to write. I thank all of you for your support, love and sparkle thoughts throughout all of this.

Starting this journey I was 356lbs. At the time of surgery on 9/26/2016 I was 309lbs. I am now 296lbs. I am under 300lbs for the first time since 2014. I am just getting started!

There ya go….I am just getting started, everyone. This is just the first week in my journey and it is so positive that I could sing. I haven’t done that yet, maybe I should. As long as it didn’t interrupt my new sleeve pal. So here’s how everything went down. My surgery was a little more complicated than they had expected. The doctor drew a picture and I added to it so that I could describe it a little better for you. (He thinks this is his big break to stardom!!!)

So let’s talk about my medicated labels….in purple Indent from lap band, in blue Very narrow opening, in pink Shaded part is gone.

So because I had a lap band placed before and my old surgeon placed it rather high there was a lot of scar tissue and a very narrow opening at the top of my belly. A lot of times this will deter a surgeon from doing sleeve surgery as it can make things rather tricky. Because of how well I have followed the rules and how much he believed in me, my wonderful surgeon cut away the scar tissue and made me a short and very distinctive sleeve. My sleeve has a very narrow opening on top and just a little ways in has a divot that makes the sleeve even narrower. The divot is scarred there because of the lap band and right now due to inflammation makes it semi-difficult to get any amount of liquids in a short sitting time. SO  have to take extra time and care to make sure I hit my protein and hydration goals. So what we are looking at is a sleeve that almost acts like a band at some points. It will be a distinctive thing for probably the rest of my life with w a little more restriction in that I may not be able to get away with “cheating” on my healthy eating. You know what, I happy about that! The less ways I can get around doing what I am supposed to do, the better! Don’t you think?

Anyway, at my post op visit yesterday he looked at my belly and said I was healing nicely. I told him My stomach looked like a sad old man. Or that I got into a knife fight in the dark. He told me I wounded him with my words. What do you think?

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Fun fact, my stomach got taken out of incision 1. It is one of the smaller ones but it had such a big job!!!!! Also, my stomach was still full of all the air and gas they filled I with so that they could get in there and look around.

So to round out my hospital tale, I was only supposed to be in there overnight. I was there 3 days. My pain tolerance isn’t very high but because there was so much scar tissue there was a lot more pain involved. My case is not your average everyday case, one of my sleeve sisters was up and moving the next day.

So here I am a week out. I am walking around. Attempting to get in all 64 plus ounces of water and at LEAST 60 grams of protein in. I am not allowed to drive until I am off my pain meds so that will take another day or two. I have already dropped a ton of weight.

Some NSV (Nonscale victories) that have been attained….I can sit more comfortably in a seatbelt. I don’t have to tilt the camera as far up not to have my face look funny in selfies. My pants that I bought pre-surgery that were too tight are nice as baggy on me now (the drawstring post surgery pants). My shirts are fitting in the sleeves and not as tight on the chest. I FEEL better!

And the big thing that has really begun o process for me is my mindset. I have really looked at this as a new start to everything. I have taken each day as it comes, processing old feelings away and really focusing on what lay ahead. I am not letting the things from my past bog me down anymore, why? because this is my chance at a whole new life. A healthy life for myself, my kids and our entire future. A lot of things are in the works for us and it only gets better from here. I hope your day is magical!

Sparkle Sparkle!

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Tomorrow’s the big day!!

​Well ya’ll, in less than 12 hours I will be horned, iv’d and ready to be rolled into that sterile room for one of the biggest days of my life. I have waited so long for this moment and worked so very hard and I can’t believe that the day is finally here. As I sit here eating a sugar free ice pop, while my house is filled with the smell of homemade pasta sauce and salad I realize how very lucky I am. I’m lucky to have a house filled with support and love, I’m lucky to have the support of you out there, I’m lucky to be able to take this step forward in confidence knowing I will succeed.  No matter what has happened and what will come to pass, this journey is worth everything I have gone through to get here. Tomorrow I start not just a new chapter but a whole new story in my life. I am starting this story with a fresh outlook, a fresh perspective and an enthusiasm that can not be matched. Tomorrow my new life begins, my journey towards a healthy, happy future for myself and my children. Can’t wait to get this party started! 

Check in with ya in the morning!!!

Sparkle thoughts!!!

I’m not like you but I LOVE me

c41819a16fa36c0755343a11910be47eI’m not like you, I never claimed to be. But you have no right to sit there and make assumptions about who I am because I don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold you have decided that life should be. I am rough around the edges. I say exactly what I mean. I can come off as abrasive and even a little mean, but at least I am always honest. My clothes are not name brand but I always look good wearing them. My face seems betrays my age, so I may look younger than you ever imagined and maybe even more than you feel. I had my kids at an early age, we are close and the tell me everything. I have my own personal sense of style, nothing you say or do is going to take that away from me. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, the ink on my skin and the color in my hair does not make me less mature than you. I laugh when I find things funny, I don’t laugh when things you find amusing hurt other people. I do not tolerate ignorance, hatred of bullying and I will raise my voice up against them. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have fought for everything that I have and I have done a fucking good job of making a life for myself. I curse like a sailor when it’s appropriate but I know when to keep my mouth shut. I will fight to the bitter end for something I believe in but no I won’t reprimand my child if they haven’t done something wrong in my eyes. I teach tolerance not hate. I teach acceptance not bigotry. I teach love not war. I don’t believe that there is a difference between you and me just because we come from different walks of life, I teach my children that all people are the same and I will not have you sully their innocence because you have a problem with me. My children as smart and funny, well fed and clean, well mannered and innocent…Just because you do not appreciate who I am as a human, neighbor, mother or any of the labels you have affixed me with you will NOT treat my child like a pariah. Mark my words darlin, karma is a bitch and I won’t be around when it comes back to bite you in your less that well-mannered ass. I am not like you and I will never be. And that is quite alright because I am perfectly happy LOVING me. 

 

Breakthrough Depression in Words

Walking down the shore at dusk, the air is soft and warm, the smell of the ocean is inviting. My mind begins to wander, thoughts of what is yet to come fill my mind and I sigh happily content with what the future may bring. And then it happens, I hear a little voice in my head and that voice isn’t talking to me. It is a distant memory that I have buried in the back of my mind and it is getting louder. One glance out to the ocean and I can tell it is uneasy. As the waves begin to bubble up my body tries to turn so that my steps take me further from the waters edge but I am frozen. I am frozen as the sudden wave comes crashing over me, threatening to pull me into the depths of the water. As the waves crest to crash again I hear that voice louder this time. The water stings my eyes and as I try to blink I see memories of the days in the past. The water is tugging at me and it knocks me to the ground. The swell happens again and the voices and the pictures and the memories flood over me as I cling to the sand holding on for dear life. Tears fill my eyes over and over again and the waves crash and I sob, nails digging into the shore unwilling to let myself be pulled into the chaotic whirlpool that is the angry water. The waves last an indeterminant amount of time, and the salt water mixes with my tears and I am no longer able to tell the difference. My body is sandy and soaking as I press myself to the sand begging the water to cease. Finally, battered and worn, I feel the warm air on my back again and I realize the water is further away than it was to start. The waves have calmed and my body is tired. I pull myself into a sitting position, knees to chest, arms wrapped around to warm myself and I watch as the sun finally sinks into the water. My eyes swollen from the memories they saw, my body tired from the fearsome fight and my mind full of what ifs. But I made it, and it did not pull me down this time. I am allowed to cry, I am allowed to feel sorrow and pain, I am allowed to fight through the pain all of it caused but I am NOT allowed to give up. I deserve the solace and peace of mind that comes with moving forward. I deserve the happiness that lays in front of me. I know the ocean has not finished its fight with me and I never know when it is going to try to pull me under again but I know that I will be ok. I’ve come so far and I am ok.

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The Theory of Everything 

Not my title I’m afraid, Stephen Hawking’s….It’s 6:02am and I have been watching this movie for the better part of an hour or so. I turned it on because I have been waiting and wanting to see it. And in the wake of my exhaustion and insomnia it seemed perfect at the moment.

Whooping cough, everyone who is vaccinated is vaccinated against it, yet somehow this highly contagious disease has made its way into my house and my lungs as it were. The doctor said that it’s becoming more frequent to see things like this pop up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It’s frustrating to have something that I’m protected against and that my kids are protected against, attack our immune systems because they have been given the capability to mutate do to the people nor taking vaccine seriously. No this isn’t going to be an antivaxxers rant, I’m just pissed off. I have to listen helplessly as my sprite coughs his lungs up. And I have to watch quite helplessly as the watch me not be able to function because my whole body is wracked from the meds.

Now, generally medication is supposed to make you feel better. But if you put all my autoimmune crap together and add a dose of antibiotics and steroids, I am done. My immunodeficiency made it easy for me to get sick, it also makes my immune system terrible and not want to fight back. Antibiotics are supposed to fight the bad things but the end up fighting the good ones too and steroids just lower the ability for the body to fight anything. 


Everything I am sick, I feel like I am doing something wrong. Now I know there is nothing I can do, not my fault in getting sick. I have two kids, kids get germs, I get sick easily. But when you’re doing it alone, you feel like you have to be healthy all the time. Now I know that’s impractical but it’s the way my brain works. 

I’m in pain enough already,  my fibro flares are daily, the migraines come and go, the exhaustion is constant but I push through. I soldier on because that’s who I am, I am Supermommy.But right now I’m tired, my lungs kept me up last night and I fell asleep on the couch because it was more comfortable than my own bed.

I feel awful because one kiddo is sick and the other isn’t. We’ve been told medicine and fluids and rest. One wants to play and the other to sleep, I am on the precipice of passing out all the time. The meds are rocking my body so very hard. I don’t want to and can’t let myself rely on anyone, not like I used to. It seems to me, sometimes, that I also fail at relying on myself.

I just want things to get better. I guess somedays, I still try to wish away the pain. The exhaustion. I disorders. I try to dream away all that’s gone wrong. I want to wake up feeling good again. I hope that maybe after my surgery I will be able to do that. I’m not putting all my ducks in a row, or my eggs in a basket or whatnot. I’m just hoping that maybe,one day, there will be a way to jump-start my body into producing more spoons. Into making it want to function.

This movie is drawing close to a close, it’s heart-wrenching. His story though, I know, still goes on. As does mine. Hmmm, funny that is, never thought I’d have something in common with the brilliant Stephen Hawking. But we both have stories to tell. 

Two Weeks. Two Lives. Two Masks.

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I wear two masks constantly. Day in and day out and I only take them off to breathe when the chance arises. That chance isn’t often and when I can breathe it isn’t pretty, relaxing or fun. I have a public mask you see. For the day to day, a super mom personal to keep up with the masses, the strangers, the parents at school and those who only seem me through a porthole in the side of my life boat.

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Then there is the mask in private. The one who play her cards close but wears her heart on her sleeve. This mask is thinner, more translucent, closer to me. But I hold things behind it very few can see. I’ve only let a few see me with out it.

I’ve come to realization that under these masks I’m lost. The sight isn’t pretty, there are tear stained cheeks. There’s a girl who wants everyone to be happy. There’s a girl that needs to be reassured she is loved.

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The past two weeks were rough. Masks ripped off. Sea salt scrubbed in the woulds. I Thought Of Self garm. I would never do it because of my sprites but I just wanted to hear that people still wanted ME around. Not the kids but ME. That’s all I wanted to hear.

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As the weeks of pain and heart break subsided I felt better. Be it my meds, my therapy ir just thinking it through I’m done with my masks. I wish I had a sledgehammer to break them.

I’m tired of hiding me. I’m tired of my two seperate lives. I’ve given up the drama and negativity. I am cleansing everything because what I’m building is fragile and takes time. But it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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Where were you? (14 years ago)

It’s almost 14 years ago, my first time. I was scared and it was dark. I had been given a tour but I still didn’t know what the hell I was doing. A virginal experience, great…and I was on my own. I could tell this was going to be unlike anything I had done before. I heard a noise in the dark…I began to run; little did I know that noise in the dark, the path I started running on would lead me to where I am today.

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That first night of my very first LARP would lead me to find out what the bond of family meant, how friendships can stand the test of time, what loving with your whole heart feels like and how home isn’t where you rest your head but where your soul feels the safest. I also learned how power can corrupt, what a real bad guy really is, how drama is never really left in high school and how believing what everyone says can not only hurt you but hurt those around you.

I sit here watching the rain almost 14 years later, marveling at how life has changed. Back then life was about having fun, raising hell, flirting, messy relationships and being too naive to realize how much people cared and how drama would follow you for years to come. It was before kids, marriage, illness. Before real responsibility and life really set in. I was so innocent minded, naive hearted and optimistic. I thought life was so hard. I was a gypsy soul with a faerie spirit. There were only two things I knew for sure…That I knew who would be around for the rest of my life and that I had fallen in love hard with someone who would change my world forever (even though I hadn’t told him).

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Now those people who I called family only see each other at funerals and promise to see each other more often. We’ve drifted apart and we try to stick together when we can but we know IF we are NEEDED we show up en mass. There are people that have drifted away to find their own new adventures. There has been marriage and divorce, lots of little ones along the way. Drama has dwindled although give us too many bottles of wine and we will bring it up and laugh about it now.

I listen to my sprites chatter away as they are falling asleep and I smile because so much of my life has changed. I have planted roots in a place I never thought I would. I have lived in more places than I ever thought I would and I am in school to help others in ways I should have been helped as a teenager. I spend my days running to appointments for the countless things that are broken with my body and my nights editing for independent authors, writing in at least one of my novels and doing schoolwork.

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I have bills and I can drive a car. I know what real life and responsibility are. I know why I can’t just move with a change in the winds. Life has taken me on a hard path and I have stumbled and fallen so many times I can’t even tell you how many scars I have but I keep moving forward. My mind isn’t innocent anymore but my heart is still pure and loving and I can still be way too optimistic for maybe anybody’s good. I’ve been told I should be jaded but I can’t be. I’ve been told I am a lot stronger than I was but I don’t see it. I guess I am glad other people can see it in me. Life is still sometimes flirty and full of raising hell (and by hell I mean the sprites of course). Messy relationships are still happening every so often but by now I know when to walk away.

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I still have that person who I knew would remain in my life forever. I have found ou that if you’re good friends with someone for over 7 years you will be friends with them forever. Thinking about my closest friends, I met the ones that are there and have been there through all the ups and downs of life through nights int he woods. We still share the laughter and tears, the inside jokes, the secrets and the boozy nights of going “why did we think our shit was that hard?!?!???”. That guy that I felt hard in love with, I still am and I don’t know how not to be, he knows now though. Although he is not in my life in the capacity I wish he was, he is in my life and I know he always will be, that is the stuff that matters.

Life changes around you all the time, 14 years ago I found the place I needed to start finding the path to my destiny. To the woman, I was to become. Be it in Avalon or Ravenna, I always knew that I had family, laughter and a place to escape for a while when life got to be too much. For that I am thankful

Sparkles

Shaye

xoxo

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I’m here for you. For as long as you need me.

I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.

I am here for you. For as long as you need me.

Sparkles,

Shaye

Xoxo

 

Don’t put off today, what you may not get to do tomorrow

My friend Tony wrote these incredibly touching words on why you shouldn’t put off I love you’s. Why saying goodbye comes way to fast and why you should always let those near and dear to you know that they have a place in your heart.

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I wanted to share something very important that we should all take to heart.  In this life all you have is your loved ones and your memories, and I finally realized after all these years you have to take advantage of them whenever you can.

There may not be a next fishing trip, the next cruise, the next family get together. I have buried more friends young than I have been to weddings, two this year that started seemingly innocent as a cold.  So don’t take for granted that there will be a next time, don’t let it get to “it’s been far too long” because you never know when too long will become too late.

Don’t be afraid to take that trip, spend the money, do something out of your comfort zone because that’s where our best memories come from.  Nobody talks about how awesome it was to sit home alone instead of making memories and I have made that mistake all too many times myself.  Don’t be afraid to tell your friends you love them, that they mean something to you.

Spend the money, spend your time, make things happen with the people you care about.  Don’t let the excuses, the laziness, the long drive, the lack of funds, the easy way out rob you of your life experiences.  Money isnt the end goal of our lives, that’s not why we work, its a tool to be used to manifest the life you want to live.  Go out and do it because there’s no guarantee there will be a next time.

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Thank you Tony, you have touch mine and many others hearts with your words

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I’ve Never Had a Broken Heart…

…Until now

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two days. those silent angry tears and then those sobbing loudly and not being able to say a word tear.s I felt my heart turn to glass and shatter to the ground beneath me. I felt my soul rip in two. And then after the tears settled and my little brother swooped into the rescue I am now numb.

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Not totally numb, not numb like I can’t feel. Numb like I can feel but I don’t want to. The tears still glisten on my cheeks when I read certain things. I am pretty sure his voice would paralyze me. And seeing him would tear me to shreds all over again. But I will be ok.

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I will be ok because I have to be ok. I have to be ok firstly for myself. I need to regroup and refind myself. I don’t know who that person is. I don’t know if I ever really had a chance to find her. I have been so any other people that I don’t know how many of then have really been truly me. Except the me that I was when I was with you. You got to see the real me. Because I never felt the need to hide her from you. But now I have to find her again.

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I will be ok because of my kiddos. I have to show them what a strong mommy they have. I have to show them what being a single parent is about. I have to be ok because they take their cues from me and I am going to be the one to show them what the world is like. I have to show them that no matter what the circumstance is, they can overcome it.

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I have never truly felt heartbreak until you broke my heart. But I am not mad at you for it. I will never hate you for it. Though loving you for it is a little off the deep end even for me. I will always love you and that part of my heart will always be yours. Will I be alone forever, no I will always have the two beautiful children that I love and cherish so much by my side. And I promise you are always invited on wrestling nights.

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Shaye

xoxo