The first time I stepped foot on that playground, I felt as if I was in a whole new world. Sure my baby was entering Kindergarten, but it was like a new world for me to. There were so many new people that I didn’t know. Plastering a smile on my face, I held fast to my scared little boys hand not letting him see the fear in my own eyes. After he was in and settled, I lingered there for the parents meet and greet. Since I was new to the are, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to start to make friends with the people whose children nine would grow and k earn with. I was so excited that these were the parents who would stand beside me as we faced trials and tribulations together. I had visions of fundraisers, sporting events, school dances in my head. Moments later, my visions were crushed and I went home with my pride limping behind me. Everywhere I turned I was snubbed, from the Moms in pj pants with slippers to the ones in the jeans and rock shirts and the ones dressed for work, not one of them glanced my way. My smile was met with a forced show of teeth, bared as if to pounce. My words cut off suitably shorts. My greetings falling on deaf ears. Did I say someth I ng wrong? Did I smell funny? Dress too out if place? I couldn’t figure it out. Chalking it up to first day jitters I limped my pride home and was ever so hopefully for day two.
The days came and went like the ones before. It didn’t matter what I wore, how enthusiastic I was or what I had to say. These women had known each other for ages or just didn’t need a new person invading their territory. I began to blame myself for the fact that my son never brought home friends. Because his Mom was a little too different. A little to single. A little too New York. I tried again two years later, when my daughter joined him in school. I went to my first PTO meeting. But the results weren’t much better. I spoke a little too much, my ideas were a little too strange, I was a little too much. So I began to make up excuses not to go. They never asked for a reason but it made me feel better just in case any of them cared, I knew they didn’t.
When I moved into a new neighborhood I thought things would get better. I never realized how wrong I would be. My kids still go to the same school. But now the stakes are up. Because I don’t fit into the socioeconomic structure of where I live. I get by because I fight to do it. My kids are put first because that’s where I put them. But the cold shoulders never seem to cease. It’s like I have taken out an add for an airplane that Flys overhead with the sign that says outcast her perpetually over my head. My efforts to fit in have fallen to the wayside. I am just not part of the cool Moms club. I don’t go to PTO meets and don’t discuss plans with other Moms. There are no hang outs or coffee dates because really why would I sit around to be ignored. And on regular days, I am ok with being the odd Mom out.
But today is the anti bullying rally. Something I have brought up time and time again. I was supposed to have a large role in it. And once again I was passed over. Now instead of being a part of the assembly I am passing out stickers. Because that’s what they really need me to do. Out of everything I could have done. Stickers. Because I am not a PTO Mom. Even though the teachers know me. And that I am a champion for the cause. Stickers. Because the popular girls are more popular. Now you tell me how that’s not bullying. How that doesn’t make a person feel invalidated. You tell me I’m wrong.
I believe in this cause because I am the odd one out. And it hurts and feels bad and makes your heart break. And that’s what my heart is. Broken. This is not the side I show my kids. This is not what adults should do. But adults can be bullies too. Im stronger than what anyone can throw at me. Im know in my heart i am a good person and a good Mom. I dont have to change myself to fut into a stereotype to meet what they need me to be. This is why I’ll never step foot inside a PTO meeting again.
Can we take back all the words that I have said that were cruel and unusual in the past 24 hours? Not just to others but you myself as well. Take back the pain, the hurt. The frustration , the tears. Can we hold on to the precious few moments that I felt like I was doing something of value instead of screwing up everything I set my mind, my hands, my eyes my heart to?
Can I know where the messages in my brain came that nothing was good enough. That all of a sudden I was this failure. Can you fix those short circuit ingredients wires and replace them in my head. Can you dry up the tears that fell from my cheeks as I cried over the fact that I wasn’t good enough for them, to cherish their laughter, to deserve their sticky kisses. Those thoughts don’t belong here anymore.
Long have I worked to prove to myself that I could make it through the hardships. Long have I toiled, re-education my brain to prove to myself I was worthy of everything I had put so much effort towards. But today…yesterday. feels like all that effort was in vain.
Black stormy clouds took over my head and down I sank. Clawing my way to some sense of peace. That I was going to be ok. To stop judging. To picking away at parts of myself that had scarred over. I struggled through the day just to fall into a restless sleep.
And upon awake the cloud not black but grey. Could I make it through. Would the sunshine and push away the sorrow that and stole my peace. I’m fighting. Fighting so hard. Counting the blessings.
But I feel unworthy. Why. Why is the question. I have no answers. No answers but I’m pushing through. Just have to make it. Make it till Thierry smiles can chase the clouds away once more. I’ll get there.
So many changes. Changes provoking thoughts. Thoughts pushing me so hard. But my body isn’t ready. Rest. Rest. I will be strong enough to do what I have to. In time. Not all at once. Shhh. Rest now. I will get through this. I will get through
Raw edges of a soul torn open, yet the wound will never heal if you keep touching the edges. Flashes if a past, of friendships long forgotten, of family so dear, stitched up inside you so tight. Until the day….until the day you switch gets flipped and without knowing it those wounds are torn open. Years of blame, guilt, regret. Years of. Instability, worthlessness, invalidation come pouring out.
And it isn’t till you catch yourself staring at the label on a valium bottle that you realize your face if soaking wet and your curled under a blanket. It isn’t until your wrists at skinned raw and blood is dripping down your fingers that you think maybe you need stronger duct tape to hold your wounds shut. You watch your shattered pieces gather themselves with pieces of glitter and glue trying to rebuild itself into some semblance of what it once was.
But a bandaid can’t fix a shattered soul, a valium coma can’t make you survive the day and blood is better inside then out.
So take a deep breath and grab yourself some glitter. You will survive. I believe in you.
I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.
I am here for you. For as long as you need me.
I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two days. those silent angry tears and then those sobbing loudly and not being able to say a word tear.s I felt my heart turn to glass and shatter to the ground beneath me. I felt my soul rip in two. And then after the tears settled and my little brother swooped into the rescue I am now numb.
Not totally numb, not numb like I can’t feel. Numb like I can feel but I don’t want to. The tears still glisten on my cheeks when I read certain things. I am pretty sure his voice would paralyze me. And seeing him would tear me to shreds all over again. But I will be ok.
I will be ok because I have to be ok. I have to be ok firstly for myself. I need to regroup and refind myself. I don’t know who that person is. I don’t know if I ever really had a chance to find her. I have been so any other people that I don’t know how many of then have really been truly me. Except the me that I was when I was with you. You got to see the real me. Because I never felt the need to hide her from you. But now I have to find her again.
I will be ok because of my kiddos. I have to show them what a strong mommy they have. I have to show them what being a single parent is about. I have to be ok because they take their cues from me and I am going to be the one to show them what the world is like. I have to show them that no matter what the circumstance is, they can overcome it.
I have never truly felt heartbreak until you broke my heart. But I am not mad at you for it. I will never hate you for it. Though loving you for it is a little off the deep end even for me. I will always love you and that part of my heart will always be yours. Will I be alone forever, no I will always have the two beautiful children that I love and cherish so much by my side. And I promise you are always invited on wrestling nights.
I know I should be coasting on the fact that in a month I have lost 26 pounds, that today I got asked to go on a picnic by a younger man and I finally got to see the movie I have been wanting to see for weeks. But you know what, it still doesn’t feel right or better, you aren’t here. I feel guilty for getting asked out, for “leading someone on”. I can’t all myself up in concrete and still give out I Love You’s. You voice reduces me to tears and when we fall into us it feels right, but I wish I could see it through your eyes. Which is why the third book that I am writing has started to process in my head. A book that is completely fiction, except when it not. Following the life of a character that is almost completely fiction, except when she’s not. Our story, on paper. Because it’s all I have left. Because I don’t know if I could look at you and not see my Prince Charming. Because I don’t see you as a friend I can’t, I want you to sweep me into your arms and kiss me one last time to prove that I’m either crazy or you still have those feelings for me. I’ve learned so much and keep learning and I am not going to stop. But this is a shell of a house that is no longer a home because you are no longer here…
I should’ve told you so long ago that I didn’t know how to love you. You should’ve told me I need more help than just a therapist. Should’ve told you that would have moved the world hour you. You should’ve told me I was breaking your heart painfully. Should have told you that I didn’t know how to be totally honest. You shouldn’t have broken your word that you would stand by me no matter what. I shouldn’t have opened the door to more than just us. You should have slammed it when it started to seem like it was hurting us more. I promised to try and I will be successful because it means that I will healthy. Will you be there at the finish line to spin me around and tell me your proud of me?
You treated him like shit when you were together!
I did? The whole time? I wasn’t perfect by any means. I did a lot of shitty things but….
I remember laughter and movies, handfasting and pictures, walks and resturants. I remember nit wanting to wait till I was in his arms again. I remember watching him sleep and singing to him while he did, I remember charming and snow. I remember us….
I remember proposals and forevers, pictures and dancing in the aisles if stores…
I remember it all….
I didn’t know how to love him the way he should have been loved. I didn’t know how much I could give, but he stuck through it. I lied when he told me that was his hot button….I was a fool
It wasn’t supposed to end like this
This was the ending owe were supposed to have
Listen to On the road by Shaina Abbs #np on #SoundCloud