Category Archives: Narcissist

Desperately Seeking Solace

My need to fill the space in time that I spend lost in my thoughts is swallowed by meaningless messages from strangers. Far safer then actual encountets, I can hide behind the safety of the Internet while I chat with them…The need for dependant validation exceedingly obvious.

It’s funny really, in all aspects of my life I am growing, extending, prospering even and yet I hide behind a mask of words in order to feel like I am going to bed full filled. I wonder if that thirst will ever be quenched or am I bound to spend endless moments typing away when I could be doing something real.

I have made life altering d3cisions. I am preparing for life changing and saving surgery. I smile everyday and hold an honest joy about tomorrow. I’ve made plans for the future that include no on save for the pixie and the sprite. Yet dear future husband is something I find myself writing everyday.

And it isn’t for sex and it isn’t for love…or is it. I honestly know that I need to connect on some level beyond physical attraction, which is why I can hold in depth conversations about silly or mundane things. I crave the intellectual randomness that you can only achieve getting to know someone new. But I sit there and wonder, am I lying? Are they seeing all of me? Do they even care?

The questions pile up and I know they won’t be answered.  I know that I won’t find what I am searching for online even though I have already discovered it in myself. A rare and true connection, where all the elements combine is life altering. I think I’ve had enough of those moments for now. 

I know though,  as soon as I post this, I will wander back to my deep dark dive bar on the web. Filled with smut and sweet and those desperately seeking solace. And I will validate them and they me. Because for even but a moment, sometimes all we need is a moment.

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I’m here for you. For as long as you need me.

I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.

I am here for you. For as long as you need me.

Sparkles,

Shaye

Xoxo

 

Shattered Glass

I was a castle made of glass, I picked and chose where and whom I gave my heart to. Yes, there were cracks and dents as there will be in any glass tower, but because of what had happened in the past I kept that glass as bulletproof as I could, just to keep my heart protected.You would think with all the things I have been through, the casing would have scuff marks, but no, every time I let my heart out to play I pulled it back in so it wasn’t full of bruises and dents. It was the one real, pure, innocent and naive part of me left.

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And then there was this one night that I breathed in your scent and I felt home. And then I felt your lips touch my own and I wanted for nothing more than to taste them for the rest of my life. I rested my head on your chest and listened to your heartbeat, feeling mine sync into the rhythm without a problem. I breathed you in until ou had to leave and then I watched you go. I felt that glass get just a tad more vulnerable.

You were inside me, I felt your soul wrap around mine and it wasn’t close enough, I needed to get closer. I needed every bit of you to touch every bit of me. That night when you looked into my eyes I felt the first taste of what I had only read about in the books I edited. I tried to stop it, I tried to throw on the breaks. I hadn’t been single, I hadn’t tried to do things on my own but I was yours, all yours and I know you knew it from the even before then.

Then we had our first “fight”. I told you I wasn’t ready, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, I was scared, I was confused and conflicted, I told you I hated you, I wasn’t ready to feel yet. I sat facing you sobbing as you looked into my eyes and told me you would wait. Told me you knew you I loved you too. I couldn’t say I didn’t, because I didn’t want to lie to you. I knew then that the glass was broken. I had given you my whole self in that moment.

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And now, I am still all in. I have thrown down my cards. I wasn’t ready to stop the lies, the attention seeking. I went into our relationship having never been loved the way you loved me. I went into our relationship never as sick or having as many things happening to me as there were. I went into our relationship not prepared for your amazing aura. You took care of myself and the kids as if you had been doing it for years. We went through the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears and I still couldn’t show you how much you mean to me. I made you feel unworthy and now that I know that…I feel like I was unworthy of you. I didn’t deserve what you gave me.

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So when you left I gave you the only thing you ever wanted, my heart.

And I sit here in a pile of lies and shattered glass…not knowing which way to crawl.

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Words unspoken…

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I should’ve told you so long ago that I didn’t know how to love you. You should’ve told me I need more help than just a therapist. Should’ve told you that would have moved the world hour you. You should’ve told me I was breaking your heart painfully.  Should have told you that I didn’t know how to be totally honest. You shouldn’t have broken your word that you would stand by me no matter what. I shouldn’t have opened the door to more than just us. You should have slammed it when it started to seem like it was hurting us more. I promised to try and I will be successful because it means that I will healthy. Will you be there at the finish line to spin me around and tell me your proud of me?

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What you did

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You treated him like shit when you were together!

I did? The whole time? I wasn’t perfect by any means. I did a lot of shitty things but….

I remember laughter and movies, handfasting and pictures, walks and resturants. I remember nit wanting to wait till I was in his arms again. I remember watching him sleep and singing to him while he did, I remember charming and snow. I remember us….

I remember proposals and forevers, pictures and dancing in the aisles if stores…

I remember it all….

I didn’t know how to love him the way he should have been loved. I didn’t know how much I could give, but he stuck through it. I lied when he told me that was his hot button….I was a fool

It wasn’t supposed to end like this

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This was the ending owe were supposed to have

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On the road – SoundCloud

Listen to On the road by Shaina Abbs #np on #SoundCloud

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I Should Have

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I should have never lied
I should have spoke the truth
I should have never thought that a lie would make you happy
I should have trusted in your faith in me
I should have told you how I felt
I should have shown you I didn’t understand

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I should have listened more
I should have let my guard down
I should have reached for you more
I should have turned my phone off
I should have leaned on you
I should have gotten help sooner

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I should have tried to understand what you were saying
I should have told you I didn’t understand
I should have listened more and talked less
I should have realized what being loved meant
I should have shown you how much you meant to me

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I should have not sought validation elsewhere
I should have let myself be myself
I should have tried to see it through your eyes
I should have let you love me

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Bohemian Lullabye

Yes this may or may NOT be the prologue to Shaye’s tale

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Prologue

“What are you doing?” my brow furrowed as he first turned his gaze and then his entire body away from me.

I was met with silence, that cold ring of silence that makes you uncomfortable and anxious all at the same time. I stared at the ceiling and tapped my fingers together wondering if I was going to get an answer from him.

We had been in a lull between tours and we had just another few weeks before we went on the road again. There had been talks of separate buses, because who wants to deal with a weepy Oliver when he can’t see the baby. I didn’t even know if the entire family was coming along this time. The last month long tour we did on the west coast we were ramped and it just blew.

There was a crack in my ceiling; I idly made it into various shapes as he still was silent. I knew he wasn’t dead, how morbid of a thought, because he was still breathing. And he wasn’t snoring so he wasn’t asleep. He was just waiting. Just fucking waiting. For what? I didn’t know. I had nothing left to apologize for. I tried to make amends for my past, for being distant, for not wanting to jump his bones every five seconds, hell I apologized for not making the bed the other day. But it wasn’t enough.

I took a deep breath “Baby, why did you turn away from me?”

“Because I needed to, because sometimes I don’t even think you realize that you aren’t a person anymore.”

I winced, sighed and let my head drop. “Alright, if that’s how you feel.”

I slipped out of the bed, feet hitting the cold stone of the floor, and quickly yanked on a pair of yoga pants and a sport tank and headed off to the kitchen. I almost expected him to follow me. I knew he wouldn’t, when he gets like this he never does. I half hoped that the guys were coming over to snag him for a rehearsal today. As the coffeemaker began to drip I scooped my hair into a ponytail on the top of my head. He called me pebbles when I did that, not that he had done that lately. I glanced around at the quaint stone cottage and made a face at the boxes I had yet to unpack.

I just didn’t have the strength or energy lately, honestly all I wanted during this break was to rest and spend time with Eric. But my time with him kept leading to these petty fights and I just, I just didn’t know what to do. He’s so logical and I’m so not. I’m spontaneous and he’s organized. I love clutter and he, well he can’t leave dishes in the sink overnight.

Adding some coffee to my sugar and cream I plopped down in my oversized armchair and flipped the lid open to the box closest to me. Pulling a manila envelope out of the top, I frowned because I didn’t remember when or how that got there. I opened it slowly and placing my coffee on the table next to me, reached in tentatively. It was full of pictures.

I pulled them out one by one, studying each and every detail. Some were from even before we hit it big. Way before. Some were from high school, HIGH SCHOOL. When my hair we all kinds of curious colors, and there was smiles on all of our faces. Each of the pictures as they fell into my lap brought back memories I hadn’t had in so long. Some bad and some good but each had lyrics and poems attached to them. I knew what I had to do to get out of this funk. I grabbed my pone and loaded up a bunch of songs and stood up letting the pictures flutter to the floor.

I hastily wrote a note and left it on the table:

Eric,

Went for a run to clear my head. Technology free day, soon as I come home. Yes I have it on me, and my knife and my pepper spray.

Love you,

Shaye

 

Placing my ear buds in, I stretched my legs out and headed out the door of my small stone fortress, and out into the woods. Taking in a deep breath of that green fresh mountain air I began to slowly jog, losing myself in my memories.

© S.R. Gray 2016

This is NOT a Love Story

The first of many books I stated, let me know what you think

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This is NOT a love story! And what I mean by that is that this is some mushy gushy story about love triangles, about some guy or girl shaped my world or any of that nonsense. Though if I really think about it those aspects are in there. However, this is NOT a love story. I will not let you categorize it as such, much like Disney categorized Frozen as a sisters story when it WAS a love story. This, at least I think is more of a suspense thriller, but most people would disagree…Granted most people can’t see inside my brain. Hell I can’t even see inside my brain. Ok off track here a little bit. Anyway, now that we are clear what this isn’t, let me tell you what this is.
This is MY story; yeah get your chuckles out now. I know what most of you think of me, even some hell probably some of those who I’ve chatted up in the grocery store line. I know what you’re thinking. And no, I am not a conspiracy theorist or any of that nonsense, I just know what mask I where when and how people judge me in relation t such. Hell, I’ve burned some of those masks years ago and people still remember them. They are seared so hotly into people’s brains that I will never be who I am today but always who I used to be. So, this is a story without the mask, or at least I hope I can be brilliant honest and make it through. This is the story I should have typed a thousand times in a thousand different ways and I didn’t…
I have a lot of good excuses why I didn’t, but nothing that really gets me out of it. I have 5 fucking stories on my computer, 5! And they each have at least 2 chapters…One of them even had a PROLIGUE! And they are genuine stories that I hope to finish someday, but I can’t put my heart back in the place it was when I was writing them, does that make sense? Ok so by now you know that in person I have many masks, I make a lot of excuses and totally judge books (and movies) by their cover (and tag lines…see first paragraph). Let’s add to the stack shall we? I often go off on tangents that no one can follow (be prepared), I can be very sexual and potty mouthed, and sometimes I just out and out lie…Granted I think it’s more of a retelling of the story in a more fanciful fashion but when push comes to shove, I lie. If you have to ask why at this point I would tell you because I like to. See I told you a suspense thriller would be more my story.
So here I am baring my soul, to the world. Or at least I hope to. In this story that is not about love, though there is love in it. A story full of stories, full of unheard truths and confessions. Maybe I’m repenting for some bad shit I did in a past life, but all I got from all the oogie boogies down in New Orleans where that something really bad happened in a past life but they couldn’t tell me. I think I am writing my story because it is time, or that I am running out of time. No I am not suicidal, I am literally running out of time, I was supposed to write 50,000 words by the month of December and as of right now my word count is 607. I think if I can pound out 50,000 words in two days I would be incredible proud of myself but incredibly worn out. But I made a promise to someone in New Orleans that I would finish a book by the beginning of this year and I broke that promise. I hate breaking promises. So now it’s time to promise myself I will finally finish what I have started. For once in my life have something to look back on and say hey you…look at that, not only do you make beautiful kids, bake a mean apple pies and have a gay harem that puts the world to shame…but you wrote a fucken book. Go team you.
Now that I have gotten a minor introduction out of the way I guess we should start with my childhood right? I don’t have a lot of memories as a kid, but I have flashes of them, if that makes sense. I look through photo albums and I know faces and names and not a lot of details. Every once in a while a very clear memory will pop up in there and I will blurt it out, but those memories are so sporadic, sometimes I wish they would either stay or go away completely.
©S.R.Gray 2016

Writing a book

What do you do when you feel like your soul has been ripped in two? You write…at least I wrote or try to. I have written a lot of little things in the past few years, I ham going to show you all of it. Because I will now hide my thoughts, feelings or actions anymore. I have to start to live. at 32 it’s hard to do that when your heart is shattered by the person that taught you how to love. That your kids call Daddy. But I will be ok when the tears dry up. or i can find a new bottle of glue and duct tape.

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