Category Archives: Mommy

A love beyond

This was not the life I dreamt for you. As I look down on your faces, untouched by the burden of day to day life I see a world in which I pictured everything blissfully different. A house of our own, laughter every day, a yard for you to run around. I imagined strong arms that swept you up after a long day and wrestled with you as the day grew to night. Deep rumbling words filling your imagination as it ran wild into dreamland. I saw long adventures into the woods, onto the sands, with days spent filled with only what the minds eye could think up, never for a second worrying what would stop you. I pictured rooms filled with giggles, tiny hands making fingerprints on the walls and you never having to be alone. I never for a second thought of what tomorrow would bring. I never imagined life like this.

I didn’t realize it would ever be just us. The three musketeers bound by love and solidarity. I didn’t think it would be just me wiping the tears away or encouraging the smiles. I didn’t know I would be the one that filled all the roles in your young lives. I want to give you the world, all of it, wrapped up in a bow. To fill your lives with all the wonder and love your hearts could ever ask for, ever need. Never let you see how hard it is. But it is hard. I never planned for the Autism, the medication, the breakdowns. The working mom. The sibling rilvary. The alternate weekend split. I never wanted you to see me tired, anxious or scared. To feel the stress of how life can get to you sometimes. The realness of it all.

In all of this though, I look at your faces and realize I am doing something right. In the spaces in between. In the quiet moments. In the love that shines through. In the bond we have. We really do have it all. You astound me everyday with you intelligence, your kindness and your love. We may not have it all but we have enough. I may not be able to give you everything but you love me just as I am and that is the greatest gift of all. I know a love like no other. And it is the love I have for you. And that love is beyond all measure.

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Day 5 – Love Your Life in 30 Days 

Here we are at day 5. Both kids and I are sick as dogs. We’ve spent the day on the couch, watching food network, cuddling and just trying to heal. I see stuff I have to do around the house and I have to admit I’m feeling a little defeated today. It could be the fever, the sick or the tired. Today is a visualization exercise. I have trouble with that in general but I hope that I can do it tonight when it counts so much. Wish me luck!
Day 5: Visualize – Imagine a Day in the Life You Dream of Living

Est. time: 5 minutes
Close your eyes for five minutes and imagine a typical day in the near future, once your priority areas for transformation have come to pass in the most exciting of ways (don’t worry about how such changes came to be). Imagine the sights, sounds, feelings, and conversations from such a day. Imagine how you feel when you wake up. Imagine celebrating. Imagine explaining the transformation to your friends. Imagine the sense of inner peace you will feel. Imagine where you might live. Imagine where you might vacation. Imagine what you might do for fun. Imagine what your new priorities for change will be. Imagine what your new challenges will be. Imagine all of it as if you are already living the life of your dreams.

Home alone for the holidays

​There was only a short moment of video time to light the candles on the first night of Chanukah. There were no little voices on Christmas morning. No bright eyes or happy smiles to delight in the joy that Santa brought. My soul is missing their sweet faces. My heart is aching for them. Hours after I woke up I heard them for a few brief minutes. I tried to pile on the love as they distracted lyrics told me of all the joy he brought while they were there. Over a hundred miles away. 

I try to take solace in the fact that in two days they will be back in my arms. That we will still celebrate and it is only a day we missed not the spirit of the season. But I won’t lie, it’s not the same. To spend so much time raising to wonderful, amazing children and not be able to partake in their excitement hurts to the core. To have to split their lives in two, though logical is hard. And I want them to experience both sides of their parentage. I want them to know they are loved all over. I want them to know how many lives their being alive touches. But selfishly, I want them all for myself. They are my joy, my world and the light of my life. I am so proud to be their Mama. And this holiday season, this empty home has been hard on the heart. I can’t wait for them to come home.

Election Day Aftermath (Politics through the eyes of a child)

​I had to wake up my children this morning and explain to them who had won the election. At 7 and 9 years old we had discussed some of the details of the candidates and what was going on. They groomed their opinions from what they had learned in school, from me and from the parts of the debates that I let them sit and watch. They had asked questions throughout the campaigns. They made me diligently fact check and research because I wanted to give them the best answers I could. Never in my life have I been so politically involved. My gorgeous babies really wanted to know what their future held. They wanted to know what these two people could possibly do that could shape the next year’s of the world they lived in. 
So as we stepped into our little voting booth yesterday and filled out those boxes, going over each choice, they were so proud to be part of something bigger than themselves. They fought to stay awake to see how the number changed. We discussed popular and electoral votes. We watched the news and listened to the discussions and as I began to get a sinking feeling I tucked them into bed with only the sweetest of dreams and hoped for their sakes for the best.
This morning I had to wake them up and explain to them that in the end their choice didn’t win. They had so very many questions that I had to carefully answer. Because I realized that my answers would not only impact them today but for the rest of their lives. You see they are scared. Scared of everything they heard. Scared for their friends, for the cute old people they love so much, scared for the country getting blown up because of a guy that’s so angry all the time. I explained to them that when you live in fear there is only fear. That is why you have to hope. Hope for the better days ahead. Keep fighting for what you believe in no matter what people say. When you are presented with a situation where there is a bully, you stand tall and don’t let that bully take you down. They were angry that people picked him over her. I explained to them being angry is exactly what he is. Fueling anger with anger doesn’t make the situation better. It only leads to another word which we don’t use in this house, hate. When you fuel a hate fire with more hate you are only going to get negatives. Instead of that,I told them, go show those you love, those you are scared for, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. That you love them. That no matter what, you have their backs. Loving those around you won’t undo the damage but it will cool down the hurt that everyone is feeling. I told them that now is the time we all need to stick together, because only now will we see how much stronger we are together. My words seemed to make them feel better. They are still unhappy but they are starting to understand a little more and I am starting to realize that they grow up way too fast. 
So to you I say this. I too am afraid and worried and even angry at what has happened. But I will not stand here in hate and anger. Instead I will tell you this. I have your backs, through everything, no matter what. And I love you. We got this #alwayskeepfighting #strongertogether #thisisformykids

SURGERY SCHEDULED!!!

*cross posted*

​Insurance approval!!! Surgery SCHEDULED!!!! 

Good morning! So here’s the scoop-

18 days till surgery (yes I will be counting, it could become very annoying. Sorrynotsorry ahead of time)

7 days left to eat all the food! What I mean by that is, I have 7 days before I go on a very strict liquid only pre-op diet. After surgery, not only will I not be able to eat regularly for a while but my body won’t be able to handle certain foods. So in the next 7 days there are certain things I want to enjoy for maybe the last time. I’m not going crazy bingey, but there are some things i want. EVERYONE who can and wants to is welcome to help me on this endeavor. 
People keep asking me how I’m feeling, the answer is…I’m feeling all the emotions at once. I’m excited and scared and anxious and happy and all these things keep going through my head. I am lucky to have ya’ll in my life supporting me as I take this journey. Thank you so much ❤
(longer post to come, I’m still too giddy to type)

I’m not like you but I LOVE me

c41819a16fa36c0755343a11910be47eI’m not like you, I never claimed to be. But you have no right to sit there and make assumptions about who I am because I don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold you have decided that life should be. I am rough around the edges. I say exactly what I mean. I can come off as abrasive and even a little mean, but at least I am always honest. My clothes are not name brand but I always look good wearing them. My face seems betrays my age, so I may look younger than you ever imagined and maybe even more than you feel. I had my kids at an early age, we are close and the tell me everything. I have my own personal sense of style, nothing you say or do is going to take that away from me. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, the ink on my skin and the color in my hair does not make me less mature than you. I laugh when I find things funny, I don’t laugh when things you find amusing hurt other people. I do not tolerate ignorance, hatred of bullying and I will raise my voice up against them. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have fought for everything that I have and I have done a fucking good job of making a life for myself. I curse like a sailor when it’s appropriate but I know when to keep my mouth shut. I will fight to the bitter end for something I believe in but no I won’t reprimand my child if they haven’t done something wrong in my eyes. I teach tolerance not hate. I teach acceptance not bigotry. I teach love not war. I don’t believe that there is a difference between you and me just because we come from different walks of life, I teach my children that all people are the same and I will not have you sully their innocence because you have a problem with me. My children as smart and funny, well fed and clean, well mannered and innocent…Just because you do not appreciate who I am as a human, neighbor, mother or any of the labels you have affixed me with you will NOT treat my child like a pariah. Mark my words darlin, karma is a bitch and I won’t be around when it comes back to bite you in your less that well-mannered ass. I am not like you and I will never be. And that is quite alright because I am perfectly happy LOVING me. 

 

Unrealistic Expectations 

The movie Practical Magic holds a special place in my heart. The weird, kooky, romantic yet family oriented plot reached me on so many levels. So far this year has not been peaches and cream so I found myself turning to this movie to help me smile or even just cry it out. I find myself drawn to on part in particular —

Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.

Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?

Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.

Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.

Young Sally Owens: That’s the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist, I’ll never die of a broken heart.

Everyday I think about how proud I am of how far I’ve come. As an independent woman, as a free thinker and as a strong mother. I know that I am a whole person worthy of many great things. There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever be ready to let someone else in. If there will ever be someone that can love to real, whole me. 

So in preparation for this moment in the future I came up with a list of standards that my next partner in crime needs to meet. It’s been decided that they need at least a 65% pass rate to move onto the next round. It is totally unrealistic and very Practical Magic of me. I don’t actually expect any of it to come true but some of the requirements would be swoonworthy. It is as follows – 

1. Can sing (or gives it their best shot)

2. Can dance (or at least be willing to make a fool out of themselves trying)

3. Must be a geek  (or love em)

4. Must be intelligent

5. Must be funny

6. Must be charming

7. Must enjoy ALL kinds of movies

8. Must have nice arms

9. Must have a good bad guy smirk

10. Must have a job

11. Said job must be secure

12. Must get along with his family

13. Must get along with my family

14. Must want A family

15. Must be able to hold a conversation

16. Must be able to debate

17. Must be able to communicate

18. Must love dogs

19. Must be honest

20. Must be loyal

21. Must love Disney

22. Must be romantic

23. Must be well read

24. Must be willing to read

25. Must be quirky

26. Must speak at least 2 languag

27. Must be unfuckingbelievable

28. Must have great hair

29. Must appreciate ALL music

30. Must have expressive eyebrows

31. Must look like or at the least resemble in anyway the following actors

Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt, John Cusack, Josh Peck, Steve Brundage, Iwan Rheon, Billy Boyd, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Justin Long, Jay Baruchel, Bill Hader, Richard Gene or Patrick Swayze

Eliza Dushku is so hot

I had a long winded rant that I was going to go into, about life and why this week was going to be really stressful but I happen to be sitting in front of the TV and while the TV is generally not a distraction…Eliza Dushku sauntering on, during try-outs for Bring it On is just fucking distracting. Now I knew for a long time that I had weird feelings when it came to girls, that I wasn’t sure why I got that tingle in my belly when I had sleepovers just like when I played football with the boys but I never really thought of when I had a sexual awakening. Thinking about it now, I am not really sure I can pinpoint it, it had to have come sometime in high school, I mean that was when the experimentation (meaning kissing girls for fun and sport) really started. But Eliza Dushku…

I remember the first time I saw Faith on Buffy, there was something about the feisty, sparkly, sassy extra slayer that just got my juices flowing. Now, looking back on it I can totally tell you that I was highly attracted to her but then I think it was a mixture of that and wanting to be her. Which kind of ties into what I was thinking about before. What I have been thinking about for the past few days. What I want to be when I grow up. Now I am not still fantasizing about being Eliza Dushku…meeting her, yes but not being her. When I am talking about growing up, I am obviously and adult and I do realize that….and I am not talking about my career path. I am talking about the kind of person I want to see reflected back at me.

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I have taken time out in the past few days to reflect on things that have been going on around me, I have been told to take a deep breath and write what I am feeling if I come up to a blockage to write through it and keep writing till I felt comfortable. I fought against that notion until this very moment. I have only thought about writing for the past few days and here I am. Now all I have been feeling is that the winds of change are blowing and if I don’t put my umbrella in the draft I am going to miss my chance and life is going to start passing me by. I have been thinking about my plans for the future, for what life is going to be like in the next couple of months, weeks, days even. A lot of stuff is happening…So let’s catch up.

This week, the kiddos are gone on another mini vacay with their Nanny so I could get stuff done while they had fun. This week is looking towards being super stressful. Back into court with the ex, figuring out exactly what is going to happen with all kinds of custody things. Hoping it turns out fine but I feel like in some ways I am being set up. Seriously…who asks the main parent to pack specific full wardrobes for children for a ten-day vacation and returns the bags with the clothes untouched? Was it a test? T make sure they have clothes? My children are well taken care of, they are healthy, well fed, happy and well adjusted. They are going to be involved in music lessons, piano and violin, drama club, sports, gymnastics and Hebrew school this year. They have so much going on and I am not going to let ANYONE ruin that. So that is all going to be taken care of on Thursday, hopefully, it is all worked out amicably….Because I don’t want to have to go through a whole court battle, it won’t be ok for them and they are all that I care about.

After this mess is cleared up we continue to gear up for school, now it has hit me that I am really doing this on my own. Now I know I have been on my own for the past 7 months, trust me that hasn’t failed to fall on my shoulders but this is different. This feels new, like a new leaf, new responsibilities, and a whole new book. Maybe because it finally is a new year and as a Mom, the start of a new school year is the real beginning. Maybe because there are so many adventures on the horizon and I finally feel up to the task of doing it myself. Maybe because I have realized that I have the ability to do it on my own and it is actually a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Either way, the new school year is a big deal and that is approaching rapidly.

Also my house, I am rearranging, throwing out, reorganizing and getting rid of the old. I am done with things that have bad memory and juju attached to them. I want my kids to look at things and smile. I want to curl up in my bed and have it be my sanctuary because I am a fucking princess. I don’t need a prince to tell me that.

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Then we come to my surgery, as of the 26th I will be making my last appointment with my surgeon before we schedule my gastric sleeve surgery. I am totally excited and totally terrified all at the same time. I can’t wait to continue on my journey with a new tool in my bag that will help me become a new, healthy me. I am terrified because I have actually become half convinced that I will not recognize myself anymore. I have so many thoughts in my mind about what is going to happen with the surgery that I give myself a headache. I know it it is going to amazing and wonderful and incredible. I also know it is going to be a huge lifestyle change, it is going to be a whole new me and I have to accept the fact that I will look different and I will feel different and I will get different attention. I have to be ok with that. I think it is the different kind of attention. I don’t know what it will be if it is going to happen and that is the biggest part that scares me. I think I am scared people won’t love me for who I am anymore but for what is on the outside. But I shouldn’t worry about it so much because I still know who I am and I love that person….Are you still keeping up? I think I lost myself about a paragraph ago.

So ahem….now that we have caught up on what will be going on I will leave you with this. I have finally got the courage under my wings, and a voice whispering in my ear, and a foot kicking me in the ass to really get on board with my book project. It is still in the futzing around stages right now but I can tell you it is going to be amazing. I can also tell you that I have been working on my bariatric blog and that has been going pretty fucking well too. I am going to go back to watching Eliza Dushku shaking her ass…and I am going to pick out a whole new bedroom set while doing so. Because I am starting a whole new book and this sassy slayer gets to start shaking it in style too.

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The Theory of Everything 

Not my title I’m afraid, Stephen Hawking’s….It’s 6:02am and I have been watching this movie for the better part of an hour or so. I turned it on because I have been waiting and wanting to see it. And in the wake of my exhaustion and insomnia it seemed perfect at the moment.

Whooping cough, everyone who is vaccinated is vaccinated against it, yet somehow this highly contagious disease has made its way into my house and my lungs as it were. The doctor said that it’s becoming more frequent to see things like this pop up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It’s frustrating to have something that I’m protected against and that my kids are protected against, attack our immune systems because they have been given the capability to mutate do to the people nor taking vaccine seriously. No this isn’t going to be an antivaxxers rant, I’m just pissed off. I have to listen helplessly as my sprite coughs his lungs up. And I have to watch quite helplessly as the watch me not be able to function because my whole body is wracked from the meds.

Now, generally medication is supposed to make you feel better. But if you put all my autoimmune crap together and add a dose of antibiotics and steroids, I am done. My immunodeficiency made it easy for me to get sick, it also makes my immune system terrible and not want to fight back. Antibiotics are supposed to fight the bad things but the end up fighting the good ones too and steroids just lower the ability for the body to fight anything. 


Everything I am sick, I feel like I am doing something wrong. Now I know there is nothing I can do, not my fault in getting sick. I have two kids, kids get germs, I get sick easily. But when you’re doing it alone, you feel like you have to be healthy all the time. Now I know that’s impractical but it’s the way my brain works. 

I’m in pain enough already,  my fibro flares are daily, the migraines come and go, the exhaustion is constant but I push through. I soldier on because that’s who I am, I am Supermommy.But right now I’m tired, my lungs kept me up last night and I fell asleep on the couch because it was more comfortable than my own bed.

I feel awful because one kiddo is sick and the other isn’t. We’ve been told medicine and fluids and rest. One wants to play and the other to sleep, I am on the precipice of passing out all the time. The meds are rocking my body so very hard. I don’t want to and can’t let myself rely on anyone, not like I used to. It seems to me, sometimes, that I also fail at relying on myself.

I just want things to get better. I guess somedays, I still try to wish away the pain. The exhaustion. I disorders. I try to dream away all that’s gone wrong. I want to wake up feeling good again. I hope that maybe after my surgery I will be able to do that. I’m not putting all my ducks in a row, or my eggs in a basket or whatnot. I’m just hoping that maybe,one day, there will be a way to jump-start my body into producing more spoons. Into making it want to function.

This movie is drawing close to a close, it’s heart-wrenching. His story though, I know, still goes on. As does mine. Hmmm, funny that is, never thought I’d have something in common with the brilliant Stephen Hawking. But we both have stories to tell. 

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter.