Category Archives: Medicaid

Waiting…

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32 years old

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room

32 years old
sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tounge

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting
As the line has come and gone

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting
As the line has come and gone
And it hurts to sit, to stand, to breathe

image

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting
As the line has come and gone
And it hurts to sit, to stand, to breathe
But she sits quietly

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting
As the line has come and gone
And it hurts to sit, to stand, to breathe
But she sits quietly
With tears on her cheeks

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting
As the line has come and gone
And it hurts to sit, to stand, to breathe
But she sits quietly
With tears on her cheeks
In the waiting room

32 years old
Sitting in a waiting room
Tears on her cheeks
Trying to bite her tongue
Because the pain is too much to bear
She was only 3 minutes late
And she called them to say so
They said no problem
But there was a line
So when she gave her name
She was 16 minutes late
So now she’s waiting
As the line has come and gone
And it hurts to sit, to stand, to breathe
But she sits quietly
With tears on her cheeks
In the waiting room
At 32 years old

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My nightlight is too dark

Says Pixie as she tiptoes into my room at 515 in the morning. I was already up. Since 430 my body clock seems to arise no matter how many sleep meds I’m on.

We grab our pillows and head to the living room, turn on Masterchef and I hope she falls back asleep. Right now she’s telling me that when I get skinny I can go in TV and cook like them.

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When I get skinny….as her and I share a tiny bag of Cheez-Itz. Funnily enough that’s what I was going to write about (but I wasn’t planning on sharing my snack)

I shouldn’t be eating these, granted after my first nutrition appointment I knew that the soda, the snacks, the take out. But it was easier because of what little energy I had. Because of how sick I have been. Because of the move. There was always an excuse.

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Trip making my kids crazy. I ate. The loss of the baby. I ate. The kids not listening to Charming. I ate. I binge when noone saw. At 430 am.i gained 21 pounds I have to lose beside surgery. But the constant barrage of sweets, sodas,ciggies. ..coming into my .bubble, the harder it is to say no.

I see my nutritionist today and she won’t be happy  with me. I had to stay at my weight and I gained. I’m assuming through mybliauids. I feel so down on myself.

The fibro diagnosis sucks. But the eating disorder ….. I thought I squashed that I long time ago

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Not Enough Spoons in the Day

This is what I posted on the FB page but I will go into a little more detail here –

So I spent the majority of the day either in the ER or sleeping. I know I promise the continuation of the I Can’t Breathe Saga but my health comes first. I will be posting more tonight, just can’t let myself get wiped out emotionally as well. In just a few days my blog has grown by leaps and bounds and I am so humbled that I am touching so many peoples lives in a positive way. SO keep sharing, keep the feedback coming in, and me, I will keep writing.
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The fact of the matter is this, with the change in Medical Assistance and Medicaid in general I ran out of Dental insurance over a year and a half ago. I take really good care of my teeth but I have always had bad teeth. I am terrified of dentists (that is for another long post), and when I was a teenager I had a dentist that really really fucked up my mouth. So I am just full of crowns and other lovely things. I generally, when I have insurance, am great on upkeep, however because of medications, surgeries and my pregnancy to my angel baby, my teeth too the brunt of the damage. I saw a dentist (finally found one that took my insurance) on Monday and I have to have two teeth pulled next week, but I have an awful infection. So it’s antibiotics and Motrin (which doesn’t work but I got upgraded to something betterish).

Now the only reason I told you any of this is because I have 4 autoimmune diseases (once again long posts to follow at some point), 1 of them being blood based where my body can’t fight off infection the way it is supposed to. (No it isn’t HIV or AIDS…No judging or jumping to conclusions here people). So I am on a neverending dosage of antibiotics and or steroids. I blow up, I am miserable and I feel awful all the time. Which feeds into another of my autoimmune issues making it difficult to function. (and you would think I was on disability for those, but NOOOO it’s cuz I am Bipolar and Borderline…Go Figure),

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Now….The reason I am even here explaining this is because, I don’t give myself a break. EVER. It’s the narcissist. The Mommy. The Borderline. The Manic. The Superhero. The Leo. Today I genuinely tried to give myself a break and went to the hospital for a break, in so much pain I couldn’t really walk, I was foggy and blacking out and in tons of pain. Let’s just say the doctor was other than nice. Hence I am apologizing, because I feel extreme guilt for not being able to share things with you….That’s who I am.

“Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me”RENT

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By the by I have included the link to the definition of a Spoonie by the originator herself and a cute little graphic to go along with it.

The Spoon Theory

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Sparkle Thoughts

Shaye

xoxo