Category Archives: Lucky

Unexpected Connections


In a vast and changing world there  are days when the tides just pull you along. Your arms flail desperate to keep your head above water and not is all smooth sailing. On those days, as your gasping for air, you wonder if you will ever see the light again. If by some miracle you will ever come out on top.

They suddenly a ping. A low noise goes off like a beacon in dark and you are saved. The sun comes crashing through the darkest night and hits your face. The pale becomes rosy, the shadowed becomes sparkling, the number becomes warm. All is be washed in smiles because of a single kindness. A single thought.

Uneglected connection that you have been waiting on. Wacting for. Waiting by. DIsn’t even know you were searching. ALloyd these questions arise. Will it? Won’t it? Dare I? But you shove them away for the kindness of a smile. Your batter away the negativity especially surrounding where you are, whowever you are….ust for that feelinh. that feeling when you got. Whence you snuck iinto the routine. Whence you realized, that for the first time. In a long time. Your were the reason, for someone’s smile

Falling off the wagon

I want to say I’ve become terrible at blogging but I haven’t. I want to say I’ve stop caring about blogging but I haven’t. I want to say I’ve sat and stared at the cursor blinking for hours but I havent…in all honesty I’ve thought about blogging, life has happened, I put it off and moved on. Things have been crazy in these parts. I’m 9 days away from syrgery, 2 days in to my doctor ordered strict liquids only diet. I am suffering through incredible headaches, awful nausea and I either want to cry or scream it really just depends on the moment.

The emotions running through my head are really interesting. On one hand I’m scared of what’s going to happen in 9 days, scared because I don’t know if people are still going to love me for my insides or if they are going to just like my outsides. If I’m going to like my outsides. I know I will, I’m just nervous…the unknown is a scary this. Traveling headfirst into my new story, no one to hold my hand, no one to kiss my forehead and tell me they will love me no matter what. I have to learn how to validate myself and that my friends is hard to do.

I’ve realized that as the days pass by I am slowly letting my love dissapear, like Marty Mcfly of the past. I don’t even remember his voice anymore. It has been determined that I am a good person. I am a person that can not knowingly go out to hurt people. I can not wrap my head around how people can knowingly invalidate others and hurt them to the extent that I’d been hurt. That is what I am dealing with now. Coming to my own sense of closure and I am getting there. Just by living.

So between coping, closure, odd moments of preop fear and watching so many artsy movies I think I’ve been ok. I’ve realized that I’m allowed to be ok. Not only am I allowed to be ok, but I’m allowed to be ok and have bad days. I’m allowed to be ok and fall off the wagon. I’m allowed to be ok and still want to be loved, to miss feeling someone by my side. In fact, I’m allowed to just be. And that’s ok. 

I’m going to try and choke down another slimy shake, you know, for health purposes!

Sparkle thoughts!!

I’m not like you but I LOVE me

c41819a16fa36c0755343a11910be47eI’m not like you, I never claimed to be. But you have no right to sit there and make assumptions about who I am because I don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold you have decided that life should be. I am rough around the edges. I say exactly what I mean. I can come off as abrasive and even a little mean, but at least I am always honest. My clothes are not name brand but I always look good wearing them. My face seems betrays my age, so I may look younger than you ever imagined and maybe even more than you feel. I had my kids at an early age, we are close and the tell me everything. I have my own personal sense of style, nothing you say or do is going to take that away from me. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, the ink on my skin and the color in my hair does not make me less mature than you. I laugh when I find things funny, I don’t laugh when things you find amusing hurt other people. I do not tolerate ignorance, hatred of bullying and I will raise my voice up against them. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have fought for everything that I have and I have done a fucking good job of making a life for myself. I curse like a sailor when it’s appropriate but I know when to keep my mouth shut. I will fight to the bitter end for something I believe in but no I won’t reprimand my child if they haven’t done something wrong in my eyes. I teach tolerance not hate. I teach acceptance not bigotry. I teach love not war. I don’t believe that there is a difference between you and me just because we come from different walks of life, I teach my children that all people are the same and I will not have you sully their innocence because you have a problem with me. My children as smart and funny, well fed and clean, well mannered and innocent…Just because you do not appreciate who I am as a human, neighbor, mother or any of the labels you have affixed me with you will NOT treat my child like a pariah. Mark my words darlin, karma is a bitch and I won’t be around when it comes back to bite you in your less that well-mannered ass. I am not like you and I will never be. And that is quite alright because I am perfectly happy LOVING me. 

 

Here I go again on my own

Once school starts fall should automatically begin. Once kids are back in school, the weather should cool down and we should get 3 or 4 perfect months of hoodies weather. Or at least have it happen on labor day….I may just be cranky because I am totally sunburned. 

So today was the first day of school for the kiddos. I walked then to the bus, cried my way home and went to sleep. I was so emotionally worn out after an hour and a half that I needed a break. Reasoning behind it you ask…well

The summer went by so incredibly fast, I don’t even remember what I did for half of it. Only that I wish I had spent more time running around and playing with the kids. I wish we had taken more pictures and had more ice cream. There are lots of things I could should myself on and won’t because I know my kiddos had a great time and loved every minute.

And me, over the summer, I wrote and I healed and I cried. I laughed and I bonded with the people that care. I built my strength up and learned how to get along on my own. I prepared myself for what was coming up to round out this year. I prepared myself for today.

The first day of school, of excitement and joy and the knowledge that my babies are growing up so quickly. The first day of school, I always had someone holding my hand ad I let go of theirs. Today I didn’t have that. Today was hard. But I was ok.

I realize that intentionally or not I tried to find a replacement. Not for validation, sex or even a relationship. I was trying t ok fill the only part of my soul I can’t yet completed on my own. The part that remembers what it’s like to have a partner, a confidant, someone to fill up the empty moments. And what I’ve learned from that is that although I am lonely I am still ok. The world will keep on turning. The air will still smell as sweet and my heart will be filled with the love of my children and the live I’m learning for myself.

First day of school.

First page of a new story.

Here’s to us!

Sparkle thoughts

Shaye

Eliza Dushku is so hot

I had a long winded rant that I was going to go into, about life and why this week was going to be really stressful but I happen to be sitting in front of the TV and while the TV is generally not a distraction…Eliza Dushku sauntering on, during try-outs for Bring it On is just fucking distracting. Now I knew for a long time that I had weird feelings when it came to girls, that I wasn’t sure why I got that tingle in my belly when I had sleepovers just like when I played football with the boys but I never really thought of when I had a sexual awakening. Thinking about it now, I am not really sure I can pinpoint it, it had to have come sometime in high school, I mean that was when the experimentation (meaning kissing girls for fun and sport) really started. But Eliza Dushku…

I remember the first time I saw Faith on Buffy, there was something about the feisty, sparkly, sassy extra slayer that just got my juices flowing. Now, looking back on it I can totally tell you that I was highly attracted to her but then I think it was a mixture of that and wanting to be her. Which kind of ties into what I was thinking about before. What I have been thinking about for the past few days. What I want to be when I grow up. Now I am not still fantasizing about being Eliza Dushku…meeting her, yes but not being her. When I am talking about growing up, I am obviously and adult and I do realize that….and I am not talking about my career path. I am talking about the kind of person I want to see reflected back at me.

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I have taken time out in the past few days to reflect on things that have been going on around me, I have been told to take a deep breath and write what I am feeling if I come up to a blockage to write through it and keep writing till I felt comfortable. I fought against that notion until this very moment. I have only thought about writing for the past few days and here I am. Now all I have been feeling is that the winds of change are blowing and if I don’t put my umbrella in the draft I am going to miss my chance and life is going to start passing me by. I have been thinking about my plans for the future, for what life is going to be like in the next couple of months, weeks, days even. A lot of stuff is happening…So let’s catch up.

This week, the kiddos are gone on another mini vacay with their Nanny so I could get stuff done while they had fun. This week is looking towards being super stressful. Back into court with the ex, figuring out exactly what is going to happen with all kinds of custody things. Hoping it turns out fine but I feel like in some ways I am being set up. Seriously…who asks the main parent to pack specific full wardrobes for children for a ten-day vacation and returns the bags with the clothes untouched? Was it a test? T make sure they have clothes? My children are well taken care of, they are healthy, well fed, happy and well adjusted. They are going to be involved in music lessons, piano and violin, drama club, sports, gymnastics and Hebrew school this year. They have so much going on and I am not going to let ANYONE ruin that. So that is all going to be taken care of on Thursday, hopefully, it is all worked out amicably….Because I don’t want to have to go through a whole court battle, it won’t be ok for them and they are all that I care about.

After this mess is cleared up we continue to gear up for school, now it has hit me that I am really doing this on my own. Now I know I have been on my own for the past 7 months, trust me that hasn’t failed to fall on my shoulders but this is different. This feels new, like a new leaf, new responsibilities, and a whole new book. Maybe because it finally is a new year and as a Mom, the start of a new school year is the real beginning. Maybe because there are so many adventures on the horizon and I finally feel up to the task of doing it myself. Maybe because I have realized that I have the ability to do it on my own and it is actually a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Either way, the new school year is a big deal and that is approaching rapidly.

Also my house, I am rearranging, throwing out, reorganizing and getting rid of the old. I am done with things that have bad memory and juju attached to them. I want my kids to look at things and smile. I want to curl up in my bed and have it be my sanctuary because I am a fucking princess. I don’t need a prince to tell me that.

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Then we come to my surgery, as of the 26th I will be making my last appointment with my surgeon before we schedule my gastric sleeve surgery. I am totally excited and totally terrified all at the same time. I can’t wait to continue on my journey with a new tool in my bag that will help me become a new, healthy me. I am terrified because I have actually become half convinced that I will not recognize myself anymore. I have so many thoughts in my mind about what is going to happen with the surgery that I give myself a headache. I know it it is going to amazing and wonderful and incredible. I also know it is going to be a huge lifestyle change, it is going to be a whole new me and I have to accept the fact that I will look different and I will feel different and I will get different attention. I have to be ok with that. I think it is the different kind of attention. I don’t know what it will be if it is going to happen and that is the biggest part that scares me. I think I am scared people won’t love me for who I am anymore but for what is on the outside. But I shouldn’t worry about it so much because I still know who I am and I love that person….Are you still keeping up? I think I lost myself about a paragraph ago.

So ahem….now that we have caught up on what will be going on I will leave you with this. I have finally got the courage under my wings, and a voice whispering in my ear, and a foot kicking me in the ass to really get on board with my book project. It is still in the futzing around stages right now but I can tell you it is going to be amazing. I can also tell you that I have been working on my bariatric blog and that has been going pretty fucking well too. I am going to go back to watching Eliza Dushku shaking her ass…and I am going to pick out a whole new bedroom set while doing so. Because I am starting a whole new book and this sassy slayer gets to start shaking it in style too.

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I’m Feeling 33!!!

Looks like we made it. And by we I mean me. I have realized that I talk about myself in the plural. I have been doing it for quite a while now, it was normal because I was always talking about the kids and I usually had a partner to speak of. Now…not so much, but still when it comes to the kids I talk about what we do, what decisions we have made…and by we I mean me. I suppose it works the I am Mommy and Daddy, I make all the decisions that both parents would make on a daily basis and I do think that Supermom deserves the title of the universal WE.

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So today…33…thats FUCKING AWESOME! I am totally stoked to be 33. And there are a few reasons why. More than a few reasons, but the reasons I choose to talk about most are this. 33 is an AWESOME number. It is my favorite number twice in a row, there has to be something to that. 32 was a helluvah year, happy and sad, the longest year of my life and now…it’s over. I have taken the steps, done the therapy, cleaned out the closets, breathed deeply, talked it over, thought it out and as a good friend of mine, named Pumba, told me “put my behind in the past”. I have taken everything that has happened and observed it and let it go, floating on some fucking leaf like they told me to and waved goodbye to it. Will I have memories, sure but you know what, I am free of the burden they carry now. 33 marks a turning point in my life. Also, as per my cards being read, 33 is going to be a great year as long as I trust in those around me, continue to do great things and don’t let the past get me down. So there you have it.

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So far, since I have gotten up this morning, I have been reminded of how much I am loved by those people in my life. I have gotten ready for my best friends wedding at the end of the week. I have had the most amazing food with my amazing family. I have been sung to by people that made my heart smile. My kids have astonished me with thier intelligence, love and humor. I have seen a movie that tickled me in a way I haven’t been in forever and I got to share it with a whole new generation.

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33 kicked off quite magically, the days to come may not be easy, they may cause heartache or pain but you know what? I will get through them, I will make it. I am strong and THIS is MY year!

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Puzzle Pieces

There are those out there that can say I found the missing piece to my puzzle. I believe that there are so many pieces to your puzzle that even by the end of your life you may not have all the pieces. You start out born as a single piece when you are born. Slowly but sure you begin to build your puzzle. Your family and each of the people that you meet in your life become those core pieces designing the picture that makes up the foreground in your picture. The events that shape you become the dark and light bits of your background. Your core memories become the cornerstones anchoring it together. But what you don’t realize is that each step you take, every time you find that love, that fear, that heartbreak, that joy your puzzle doesn’t only add a piece but it changes, it expands to make sure the piece goes exactly here it belongs. It’s like the game of perfection, a bump to the table your puzzle is on and everything flips into the air and comes back down. Your core, your real picture falls back into place with maybe a new piece or two there or even a piece or two missing. Your background is the ever-changing, evermoving fluid part of your puzzle. It is like a 3-d picture frame or a part of the pictures in Harry Potter.

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There are pieces of your puzzle that will come in and change your picture, those pieces are the bigger pieces, the pieces that add the color, the detail. Those are your soulmates, your children, those people that have made your heart stronger, your soul more vibrant. Those are the people that have taken your pieces and turned them into something new. They have taken the faerie dust and helped you shape it into a magnificent new creature. Those pieces are also the ones who have broken you, only have helped you figure out how to help you build yourself up into who you have become today.

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What happens when the pieces that once fit, don’t anymore? That’s a question you always ask yourself. Well, the answer is this. Nothing happens. Those pieces will always be part of your puzzle. It is not that they don’t fit, it is that they fade in color and more into the background of your life. All the pieces of your puzzle are so important to who have become today. And sometimes just sometimes, when you least expect it…A background piece bursts back into color and makes its way back into the main picture. All it takes is a visit home, a surprise phone call or a birthday card sent to a friend you haven’t seen in so any years. Their color may fade and drop away again… live in those moments, because those moments are the ones that you will treasure forever.

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Take a moment today to enjoy your puzzle

Sparkle sparkle

Shaye

xoxo

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Two Weeks. Two Lives. Two Masks.

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I wear two masks constantly. Day in and day out and I only take them off to breathe when the chance arises. That chance isn’t often and when I can breathe it isn’t pretty, relaxing or fun. I have a public mask you see. For the day to day, a super mom personal to keep up with the masses, the strangers, the parents at school and those who only seem me through a porthole in the side of my life boat.

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Then there is the mask in private. The one who play her cards close but wears her heart on her sleeve. This mask is thinner, more translucent, closer to me. But I hold things behind it very few can see. I’ve only let a few see me with out it.

I’ve come to realization that under these masks I’m lost. The sight isn’t pretty, there are tear stained cheeks. There’s a girl who wants everyone to be happy. There’s a girl that needs to be reassured she is loved.

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The past two weeks were rough. Masks ripped off. Sea salt scrubbed in the woulds. I Thought Of Self garm. I would never do it because of my sprites but I just wanted to hear that people still wanted ME around. Not the kids but ME. That’s all I wanted to hear.

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As the weeks of pain and heart break subsided I felt better. Be it my meds, my therapy ir just thinking it through I’m done with my masks. I wish I had a sledgehammer to break them.

I’m tired of hiding me. I’m tired of my two seperate lives. I’ve given up the drama and negativity. I am cleansing everything because what I’m building is fragile and takes time. But it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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Mother’s Day

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“Mama, I made you breakfast!”

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Bleary eyed and very aware of a strong scent of ranch dressing I glance at my cell phone. It’s 7:03am…My sprite has made me a cheesy ranch wrap for breakfast. I hug him with all my might, trade him for a granola bar, glass of milk and tell him I’ll eat it for lunch. Then we snuggle with the Pixie who is still half asleep perpendicular to me. I don’t know how he wriggled his way from between us but he did.

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The day commences with a nap, a gorgeous plant, who is affectionately named Spengler, who I am NOT allowed to take care of because and I quote “You are a danger to nature”.

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Gorgeous pictures, cards and a teeny book all made by the Pixie. Then out the door we go.

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We wave to all the people waiting for the Mother’s Day trucks on the side of the highway, feeling like stars, and head into see Civil War. HOLY FUCK IT’S AMAZING!!!! Pixie fell asleep towards the end but the Sprite and I must see it again. Then it’s home again.

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Some downtime, Once Upon a Time, bedtime, Game of Thrones and here we are. There were tears shed. Tears for those I lost and missed  tears for those that usually call but didn’t and tears because the Three Musketeers all felt like a piece of their family was missing today. But we survived it and the day was so very special.

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I hope you all had a sparkly Mother’s Day

Shaye
Xoxo

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