Category Archives: Hope

A love beyond

This was not the life I dreamt for you. As I look down on your faces, untouched by the burden of day to day life I see a world in which I pictured everything blissfully different. A house of our own, laughter every day, a yard for you to run around. I imagined strong arms that swept you up after a long day and wrestled with you as the day grew to night. Deep rumbling words filling your imagination as it ran wild into dreamland. I saw long adventures into the woods, onto the sands, with days spent filled with only what the minds eye could think up, never for a second worrying what would stop you. I pictured rooms filled with giggles, tiny hands making fingerprints on the walls and you never having to be alone. I never for a second thought of what tomorrow would bring. I never imagined life like this.

I didn’t realize it would ever be just us. The three musketeers bound by love and solidarity. I didn’t think it would be just me wiping the tears away or encouraging the smiles. I didn’t know I would be the one that filled all the roles in your young lives. I want to give you the world, all of it, wrapped up in a bow. To fill your lives with all the wonder and love your hearts could ever ask for, ever need. Never let you see how hard it is. But it is hard. I never planned for the Autism, the medication, the breakdowns. The working mom. The sibling rilvary. The alternate weekend split. I never wanted you to see me tired, anxious or scared. To feel the stress of how life can get to you sometimes. The realness of it all.

In all of this though, I look at your faces and realize I am doing something right. In the spaces in between. In the quiet moments. In the love that shines through. In the bond we have. We really do have it all. You astound me everyday with you intelligence, your kindness and your love. We may not have it all but we have enough. I may not be able to give you everything but you love me just as I am and that is the greatest gift of all. I know a love like no other. And it is the love I have for you. And that love is beyond all measure.

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A New Beginning

I wrote my heart out of Friday night. Ink splattered across my fingertips as words flew across the page in angry slahes. Some bitter, some resentful, some sad. In the end, I was empty. I felt like I had finally gotten everything that had been filling me up for so long, out of my soul. Every nlock, every jam, every bit of feeling toward what had happened came out. It only took 11,00 words. I couldn’t tell you what they said. I know im my heart that my voice is raw. Part of me is numb and the other part empty. 

And now I am at the precipice of a new beginning. A jumping off point, that I thought I had found before. I realize that I had never fully embraced all that had happened and what was to be. And that it had left mt stuck somewhere that I couldn’t move from. Frozen in time, niether for the good nor the bad. Replaying what had been and to scared of what will be. That is over now.

I am ready to emrace what is. The right now. Today I face the world free from the ties that bind. Knowing in myself that I could not change the past. That I have learned from it. And in that I have griwn. I embrace who I’ve become, where I am going. I am thankful for what I have and where I’ve been. I know my journey isn’t over and it will never lead me back to what has already been. I am a person of worth, of substance, of vitality. I am full of love for those who surround my life with goodness. I will do all that I can to show the world all that I have to give. In mind, body and spirit.  I am enough. 

So much on the inside

My mind races. It’s almost like I want to break out from behind these walls I’m in and yell “I’m here, I’m still here! Everything’s going to be ok!” But is It? Truly? I reach for the light, the fabled light at the end of this darkened tunnel. But I question if the tunnel was really ever that dark to begin with. 

So much stuff has happened as of late. There has been so many things set in motion that I feel like I can’t keep up. And as much as I try to for appearances sake, it is when I’m alone that I want to curl up and cry. But I don’t. Is it fear? Is it the fact that I’m not really sad? The fact that I have more under control than I realize? Or the fact that I am actually doing everything in my power to make it work.

But I don’t feel like I am. I feel like I can do so much more. Be do much more. I think to the past. To what things could have been different and then I know that I can’t let that keep holding me back from what’s going on right now. But something still feels off. Unrealistic expectations for a future is always dreamed of.

A marriage, more kids, a house with a back yard. Things I can’t only wish once upon a December. But reality, reality crashes down on me and I have to radically accept what I have tight now. Wonderful smart amazing kids, food, a house and a chance to a have a future. That has to be enough. 

Then, why the panic. Why the racing thoughts. Why the not sleeping. Could there be something I’m forgetting or leaving out. 

My chance to dream isn’t over yet. But I’ve forgotten to pick up my pen and write those dreams down. For too long my words have gone unspoken and I yearn for an output, a way to grab onto something bigger, something more.

This too will pass, I will survive, I will thrive. I will let must feel as much as I can and not judge it because it’s ok to just feel. I will not continue onto that extra dose of caffeine that has become to much. And I will keep believing in something more. Because I will never give up on my own varietals. Our truest hearts desire is only but a wish away. I believe that, always.

A year makes such a difference

A Facebook memory threw me for a loop today. A year ago I was so proud to fit into a size 26. Now I am over 110 pounds lighter and 10 sizes smaller. It is astounding to me to look at these photos and let it all sink in. 

I have been sitting at a stall in losing for over two weeks and feeling quite diwn. I work out regularly, I’ve been keeping to a pretty steady diet and I don’t know where to shake it up. Do I add more protien, more veggies, tweak my routine? All these things need to be taken into account along with my state of mind. I am pushing myself in so many directions that I need to refocus myself on what’s vest for me. Undo stress and pressure aren’t helping me reach my goals. It’s time to stop letting self doubt and negativity creep in. 

I’ve come so far and my journey forward is going to continue to be so rewarding.

Sparkle thoughts!!!!

Spark in the night

Words elude me lately. Thoughts run through my mind and I can’t reach out to grasp the fast enough. The ink is left wet on the page before the next thought settles in. Too much life left to live. To many things left to do. And under it all still the possibility of doing it all alone. Is this a choice I’m making. Or a glaring mistake the universe made when it came to creating me. Only time can answer that question. There are no wounds left to heal. The scars have healed over, leaving ever present marks to scare off or enchant those who will notice them. But I am not afraid. Not afraid to let my real self shine. To know that I am allowed to not settle for second best, to be fierce in my choices be a useful I deserve more. I deserve to have the fire inside stoked. I will persevere. I will remain steadfast and loyal. To myself, to what remains and what is to be. I am remarkable. In this emotionally stunted world I can be my own light and if one shines brightly alongside me one day, I hope I see its glimmer strong and true. I yearn for that spark in the night. Until then, I shall sparkle on. And try to find the words.

Day 4 – Love Your Life in 30 Days

So I posted my HUGE weightloss achievement in the group today. I have over 1.2k likes and over 200comments on it at the time I am writing things. I am going to post exactly what I wrote in the group because I am so humbled right now. I meant it to all those who follow and support me on my blog as well.

I am BLOWN AWAY you guys! I posted the picture of my weightloss achievement today and your outpouring of support, emotion, and inspirational comments left me in the happiest of tears. There were so many comments it froze my app and I had to stop replying to them. So for all of you I didn’t get a chance to say it to
 
THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU INSPIRE ME!
Today in the challenge was a bit of a struggle for me, so let’s see what it was all about

DAY 4: Showcase Your Inspiration
Est. time: 5 minutes

It’s important to create visual reminders of the goals you’re working toward. When you see a reminder of your goals in front of you each day, it starts to become a part of your reality. What reminders can you set up around your office, in your bedroom, on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror? Put something (or several things) up that will inspire you in the days and weeks ahead.

Here are some ideas:
• Hang up your list of priorities from Day 1.
• Hang up a photo or a quote that inspires you.
• Program your phone or computer to send you a positive reminder each day.
• Set your computer or phone wallpaper to an image that inspires you.
• Write a reminder to yourself: to be adventurous, to try something new each day, to channel loving energy into everything you do.
• Make a vision board with images of the life you want to create.

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I took the time to work on my vision board tonight after I put the kids to bed and I have to admit, I struggled a little bit. Until I realized it wasn’t supposed to be a hard task. I scrapped the idea of copy and pasting things together as that isn’t my full aesthetic and put together a “Taking My Sparkle Back” board on Pinterest. I love the Pinterest app on my phone because it is something I turn to at least once a day for inspiration or just something to smile. I have things around my house that inspire me every day, it is nice to have something on the go to look to for a pick me up. I included the link to the board down below for my fellow pinners out there, I would love to see what you have on your boards as well.
 
Here’s to another sparkly night!!! XOXO
 

100 Pounds Gone!

​100 Pounds…100 POUNDS!!!!


That blows my mind. I can’t even fathom it and yet here it is. Proof in the photo, just like that. I’ve done it, I’ve lost 100 pounds. I couldn’t believe it this morning, bleary eyed on the scale. But there it was. I was so excited and I didn’t understand the whole scale selfie thing until that moment. I’ve worked so hard for so long and finally, it’s happened. Like a whole years worth of burdens off of my shoulders. I’ve lost an entire person. A person I held onto for much too long. Weighing me down, making me so unhappy. But that’s in the past now and the future is so bright I can feel it’s sparkle shine on my face. Look out world, I’M HERE!!!

Day 2 – Love Your Life in 30 Days

Here we go guys. Onto Day 2 of this fun adventure. I had a really good time prioritizing what I really wanted to take forward with me into the New Year. Today is a little bit different but goes along with yesterday. I am feeling really positive about this.

Today we took the trip back home from where we were in NYC at my Mom’s house for the New Year. We had a great time and now we settle back into our daily routine I realized when I stepped through the door that there were a lot of things that I want to do. I want to clean out all the negative things in my life and really expand on the positive. I still have a lot of clutter from the past that I don’t need lingering around anymore. I can’t wait to step back into a few of the old routines but really start getting into new ones to start functioning in a more positive way. It is really going to be a great year!!!

Let’s see what is on the agenda for today shall we?

DAY 2: Create Your Theme(s)
Est. time: 7 minutes

Creating a theme helps you to nail down, stylize, and get excited about the changes that will soon be sweeping through your life. Choose a theme that resonates with you and write it down, using words that have special meaning to you. You may even wish to base it on one or more of your general areas for change from Day 1. Explain your theme’s importance and all of its fun ramifications. For example, if your theme is adventure that might mean: travel, trying new things, meeting new people, taking chances, exploring new places, leaving your comfort zone, and saying yes to new opportunities. You can even write down several themes and what each one means to you.

Here are some theme ideas:
• International world traveler
• Healthy, happy, and thriving
• Adventure, exploration, discovery
• Overflowing with abundance
• Living limitless and free
• Peace, harmony, and tranquility
• Living life to the fullest each day
• Making a difference in the world
• Creatively inspired and fulfilled
• Spiritually empowered
• The best year of my life
• Happily in love and loved

 

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Well let’s see the theme that I use to describe most of how I like to live is

Taking my sparkle back

This resonates to me because it encompasses all that I try to do in my life, with my health and my happiness. I had lost my sparkle a long time ago and I want to reach for the stars and get it back. So along with  TAKING MY SPARKLE BACK I am going to add the theme

Letting my well of creativity overflow with abundance

I want to use this year to let my creativity sparkle and shine. I want to let go of my fear that overwhelms and stops the flow of creativity. I want to let my creativity bring in the abundance that I know is in my future. So along with LETTING MY WELL OF CREATIVITY OVERFLOW WITH ABUNDANCE I am going to add one more thing theme that I think will round out all of my goals for the year and that is this

The best year of my life

That’s right, I am going to let the overall theme of this year be the best year of my life. I thin this theme is exactly right for the changes that will sweep through my life. And I have no doubts that it will be

THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!

 

So there you have it folks. My themes for this year. My day two. I hope this inspired you to think about your themes for the year and I hope your journey is going well. Take care of you and remember to leave a little sparkle wherever you go ❤

#tut30days

Weighing in on 2016 (I’ve come too far to turn back now)

​​The last #facetofacefriday of the year and I am looking at how far I’ve come. 

95 pounds down in 1 year. 95 pounds!!!

Starting weight -356 pounds

Current weight – 261 pounds

Sleeved – 9/26/2016


2016 has been quite a journey for me. Earth shattering lows that I thought I couldn’t possibly survive brought me more strength than I could ever imagine. This year has been a year of self discovery, change and learning how important #selflove really is. I have learned how important it is to look inside yourself and find your #innerstrength . I have found out how important it is to have a strong support system and surround yourself with the people that really care. As much as 2016 hurt it has made me that much more empowered. I am a #strongwoman a #proud #singlemom and looking forward to taking on 2017.  


Here’s to next year. A more fabulous me than I already am. Here’s to working hard, living life and sparkle thoughts. I can do it and so can you!

#motivation #lifegoals #verticalsleevegastrectomy #vsgcommunity #vsg #sleevelife