Category Archives: Guilt

Therapy is not NOT an option

I didn’t go to therapy today. I know I need to but I really just didn’t want to. I surmise that this is for many reasons. Such as…My new antibiotics are making feel I’ll, I’m wicked tired, I know we’re starting to discuss emotional regulation today and my father in law passed away yesterday. All of these are very good reasons (well except one) for not going to group today but what lies under all of them is the fact that I really just didn’t want to go. Now, first of all, I believe it is helping me, more often than not I practice my debt skills to get me through the day. I try to be mindful and shuffle through all the skillfully playing cards they give me in order to cope with the outside world. I do not however like the fact that I have to keep track of what I am doing or follow each class up with himework. It makes me feel like a child and not an adult who is profiting from a group scenario. I think that is one of the reasons I get so snarky about it sometimes. Anyway, I do feel like crap from a third round of antibiotics I’ve been put on and will be going back to sleep for at least a little while.

As I sit here in my dim room with my pumpkin spice frappe (it’s amazing be jealous) I am drawn to the fact that I want so desperately to clean it, yet I can’t find the energy to do it. Granted I haven’t been high on spoons and I use most of them on my kids but there’s more to it than that. You see my room isn’t a mess per say, there are just parts of it that have clutter or need sorted out. There’s a brand new bookshelf that needs to be filled with all the wonderous books that I have. Some whose covers have never yet been opened. I think a lot of this is like my mind, a huge space so full of stuff that only the carefulness can navigate and find there way thtough. Easy to see what’s there but to delve into the hidden spots takes a keen eye and an intelligent mind. Things are hidden away. Locked treasures that you need to find the key for. One of them being my heart. But that box has multiple keys.

Speaking of which, so I was on Whisper the other day, where I received a very nice compliment. I wasn’t sure what part on my post deserved such a compliment but I appreciated it non the less. This is what I wrote.

And in very unhappy news, I am still numb after the phone call I got from the ex husband that his step dad had passed. Now I don’t generally think most people stay close to their ex’s family after a divorce but his mom, step-dad and siblings remained family to me. We exchange cards, pics, calls and whatnot. Living on two different coasts has made it hard on visits and I now feel guilty that he never got to meet my pixie. I am just taken totally aback by the situation. So I will be strong and I will push through. Gotta plan a trip sometime.

My thoughts are churning out endless streams of who knows what at the moment, so I shall  attempt to shut them down and nap. My tip of the day. Self love. Do it!

Sparkle thoughts

Xox

The Theory of Everything 

Not my title I’m afraid, Stephen Hawking’s….It’s 6:02am and I have been watching this movie for the better part of an hour or so. I turned it on because I have been waiting and wanting to see it. And in the wake of my exhaustion and insomnia it seemed perfect at the moment.

Whooping cough, everyone who is vaccinated is vaccinated against it, yet somehow this highly contagious disease has made its way into my house and my lungs as it were. The doctor said that it’s becoming more frequent to see things like this pop up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It’s frustrating to have something that I’m protected against and that my kids are protected against, attack our immune systems because they have been given the capability to mutate do to the people nor taking vaccine seriously. No this isn’t going to be an antivaxxers rant, I’m just pissed off. I have to listen helplessly as my sprite coughs his lungs up. And I have to watch quite helplessly as the watch me not be able to function because my whole body is wracked from the meds.

Now, generally medication is supposed to make you feel better. But if you put all my autoimmune crap together and add a dose of antibiotics and steroids, I am done. My immunodeficiency made it easy for me to get sick, it also makes my immune system terrible and not want to fight back. Antibiotics are supposed to fight the bad things but the end up fighting the good ones too and steroids just lower the ability for the body to fight anything. 


Everything I am sick, I feel like I am doing something wrong. Now I know there is nothing I can do, not my fault in getting sick. I have two kids, kids get germs, I get sick easily. But when you’re doing it alone, you feel like you have to be healthy all the time. Now I know that’s impractical but it’s the way my brain works. 

I’m in pain enough already,  my fibro flares are daily, the migraines come and go, the exhaustion is constant but I push through. I soldier on because that’s who I am, I am Supermommy.But right now I’m tired, my lungs kept me up last night and I fell asleep on the couch because it was more comfortable than my own bed.

I feel awful because one kiddo is sick and the other isn’t. We’ve been told medicine and fluids and rest. One wants to play and the other to sleep, I am on the precipice of passing out all the time. The meds are rocking my body so very hard. I don’t want to and can’t let myself rely on anyone, not like I used to. It seems to me, sometimes, that I also fail at relying on myself.

I just want things to get better. I guess somedays, I still try to wish away the pain. The exhaustion. I disorders. I try to dream away all that’s gone wrong. I want to wake up feeling good again. I hope that maybe after my surgery I will be able to do that. I’m not putting all my ducks in a row, or my eggs in a basket or whatnot. I’m just hoping that maybe,one day, there will be a way to jump-start my body into producing more spoons. Into making it want to function.

This movie is drawing close to a close, it’s heart-wrenching. His story though, I know, still goes on. As does mine. Hmmm, funny that is, never thought I’d have something in common with the brilliant Stephen Hawking. But we both have stories to tell. 

My Girls in Heaven (trigger warning)

If I close my eyes and wish hard enough, dream sweetly enough I can hear your laughter. Soft and sweet giggles on the wind. I can feel your little hands close in mind as we go running through the field of wildflowers into the woods where we play hide and seek. I can see your eyes, bright blue and bright green, your hair in alternate shades of deep and light red, your skin pale as the day is long with those scatter freckles across your cheeks just like your brother and sister. I can hear your soft sweet voices singing on the wind as we tumble to the ground and make daisy crowns for our hair while we play by the water’s edge on our afternoon adventure. I feel the weight of your bodies in my lap as I hold you in my arms not wanting this day to end, this dream to be woken from. Your sweet kisses to my cheeks assure me that you will be there again when I come to visit you, that I don’t belong there to stay, that it’s time for me to go home. And when reality sets back in and I open my eyes to the world with tearstained cheeks, I know that somewhere you are still watching over me.

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I scoop up my babies and hold then tight, whispering to them how much I love them. They ask me why I have tears in my eyes and all I can tell them is that it is because I am so happy to have them with me. It is not a lie, I am happy, I am lucky that I get to hold them in my arms, that I get each and every day with them. The only part I leave out is that part of the reason for the tears is for their siblings who are always watching us and will one day be able to hug us when our souls join with theirs. One day I will tell them about their sisters who will forever be in our hearts. But for today, I will wrap them up in all over my love.

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There is for as long as I have known a stigma around writing about miscarriage, a taboo about the written word of losing a baby before they were born. But my girls were a part of me and I am not ashamed to say that. There is a part of my heart and soul that no matter what anyone says or how much time has passed that won’t stop hurting for the loss of them. They were part of me, I created them, I saw them, I knew they were there in my soul and then they weren’t. And that loss is soul crushing.

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When I found out I was pregnant in 2008 I was beyond the moon, a second baby when I was told I couldn’t have a first. I knew that this pregnancy was going to be different because I couldn’t even stand the smell of sugar, oh it was terrible. I was somewhere between 7-10 weeks along when I lost her that Father’s Day, June 21, 2008. It was confirmed by a test the next day, they took my blood and called me and I remember the phone falling out of my hands and dropping to the ground. I remember feeling crushed. I held my spritely boy that day so tightly as though the heavens would take him from me too. Later than summer I was granted a wish and therein lie the miracle and my Pixie was born 2 months after her sister should have been.

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We thought I was sick in 2015, we thought it was my lap band, we thought it was something with my stomach, I went under surgery twice not knowing. And then the results came in, I was pregnant. I was thrilled, beyond thrilled, I had a wonderful relationship and everything was going well. I was terrified and anxious and excited, I was going to do everything right this time. But everything wasn’t going as planned. The first sonogram showed her smaller than she should have been but that was ok. Then the next one, I saw her heart beating! I saw it, it was slow but it was there and I thought, look at that, this is really happening. I tossed away all the concerned looks that everyone else had because of how small she was still measuring. Then it happened the next week. She was still there, a smudge and actual smudge, I saw her…but her heart had stopped beating and she was gone, just gone. And so was I., This time, it wasn’t just let nature happen, it was medical intervention happens. We didn’t know exactly how far along I was. But June 8th, 2015 was her day, her birthday I suppose but as she had passed while still inside my body I don’t know what t call it. She was about the age as her sister had been, but the whole experience was different. This one included contractions and pain and the whole experience I had with my live births. I was devastated. My life would be forever changed.

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Why am I writing this now? Because it is June, because June for me is a hard month, one of plenty of happiness but one of a lot of pain. One that will bring about the summer and one that will forever remind me of my angel babies. May-June one day be a month of rebirth for me and not hold my heart so heavy, this is what I can wish for. So today I will go and make a flower crown with my faerie kids, we shall run and we shall play and we shall laugh. And our laughter will bring us smiles and I know somewhere our angels are smiling down on us.

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Mommy loves you

Always

Shaye

xoxo

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Bandaids

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Raw edges of a soul torn open, yet the wound will never heal if you keep touching the edges. Flashes if a past, of friendships long forgotten, of family so dear, stitched up inside you so tight. Until the day….until the day you switch gets flipped and without knowing it those wounds are torn open. Years of blame, guilt, regret. Years of. Instability, worthlessness, invalidation come pouring out.

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And it isn’t till you catch yourself staring at the label on a valium bottle that you realize your face if soaking wet and your curled under a blanket. It isn’t until your wrists at skinned raw and blood is dripping down your fingers that you think maybe you need stronger duct tape to hold your wounds shut. You watch your shattered pieces gather themselves with pieces of glitter and glue trying to rebuild itself into some semblance of what it once was.

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But a bandaid can’t fix a shattered soul, a valium coma can’t make you survive the day and blood is better inside then out.

So take a deep breath and grab yourself some glitter. You will survive. I believe in you.

Shaye
Xoxo

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Sleeping Dogs

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People tell you that you should let sleeping dogs lay still. That they are put to bed and should stay there. A lot of those times ut is easy to do. It helps heal your soul, move past your grief and travel forward in your life.
It can be the hardest process to put what you consider unfinished to bed,specially when your ink has run out somewhere in the middle. But you still move forward, taking care of what you must and finding you again. That’s where I was. 58lbs lighter, a smile on my face, laughter, friends, my wonderful sprites. A whole new adventure full of surprises in front of me.
But there was a rascal of a puppy who would stay asleep. One that I cared for so much and gave so much too that once my healing had really progressed, I thought we would fall back into friendship. He wouldn’t rest but he wasn’t ready. When he was, we started to, with such ease that it seemed like the bad had been left behind.
Wouldn’t you know it, my support and love and friendship made the bad catch back up and that puppy may be removed all together. I sit and think and dissect my words. I did nothing erong. I nurtured and supported but it was too much. Me being ok was too much. I had stopped fighting and started supporting and seems all for naught. We shall see what the days ahead bring. Whether my sprites shall be scarred from the scratches of yesterday. I only wish that the gauntlet hadn’t been thrown down. Hadn’t enough people suffered.

Nope…I’m the one who goes to sleep in tears because she cannot listen to her own words.

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I’m here for you. For as long as you need me.

I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.

I am here for you. For as long as you need me.

Sparkles,

Shaye

Xoxo

 

You’re last gift to me (I wish)

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You can make wishes on stars, candles, minutes of a clock. You can make them daily, hourly or even every time you take a breath. You can make the same wish over and over again until you are blue in the face and you lose hope of it coming true….and then it does. Or it did, when I wished for you. The answer to my wishes since I knew what I wanted to wish for. And now, because I know my wish has slipped through my fingers like sand, I only wish for one thing. I wish that the last time your lips met mine I had bathed in their sweetness, basked in our two souls wrapping around each other one last time, one last revelry in exstasis…in us. I think about that kiss, that last surprise and a smile crosses my lips as a tear rolls down my cheek. I wish……

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Don’t put off today, what you may not get to do tomorrow

My friend Tony wrote these incredibly touching words on why you shouldn’t put off I love you’s. Why saying goodbye comes way to fast and why you should always let those near and dear to you know that they have a place in your heart.

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I wanted to share something very important that we should all take to heart.  In this life all you have is your loved ones and your memories, and I finally realized after all these years you have to take advantage of them whenever you can.

There may not be a next fishing trip, the next cruise, the next family get together. I have buried more friends young than I have been to weddings, two this year that started seemingly innocent as a cold.  So don’t take for granted that there will be a next time, don’t let it get to “it’s been far too long” because you never know when too long will become too late.

Don’t be afraid to take that trip, spend the money, do something out of your comfort zone because that’s where our best memories come from.  Nobody talks about how awesome it was to sit home alone instead of making memories and I have made that mistake all too many times myself.  Don’t be afraid to tell your friends you love them, that they mean something to you.

Spend the money, spend your time, make things happen with the people you care about.  Don’t let the excuses, the laziness, the long drive, the lack of funds, the easy way out rob you of your life experiences.  Money isnt the end goal of our lives, that’s not why we work, its a tool to be used to manifest the life you want to live.  Go out and do it because there’s no guarantee there will be a next time.

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Thank you Tony, you have touch mine and many others hearts with your words

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I’ve Never Had a Broken Heart…

…Until now

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two days. those silent angry tears and then those sobbing loudly and not being able to say a word tear.s I felt my heart turn to glass and shatter to the ground beneath me. I felt my soul rip in two. And then after the tears settled and my little brother swooped into the rescue I am now numb.

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Not totally numb, not numb like I can’t feel. Numb like I can feel but I don’t want to. The tears still glisten on my cheeks when I read certain things. I am pretty sure his voice would paralyze me. And seeing him would tear me to shreds all over again. But I will be ok.

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I will be ok because I have to be ok. I have to be ok firstly for myself. I need to regroup and refind myself. I don’t know who that person is. I don’t know if I ever really had a chance to find her. I have been so any other people that I don’t know how many of then have really been truly me. Except the me that I was when I was with you. You got to see the real me. Because I never felt the need to hide her from you. But now I have to find her again.

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I will be ok because of my kiddos. I have to show them what a strong mommy they have. I have to show them what being a single parent is about. I have to be ok because they take their cues from me and I am going to be the one to show them what the world is like. I have to show them that no matter what the circumstance is, they can overcome it.

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I have never truly felt heartbreak until you broke my heart. But I am not mad at you for it. I will never hate you for it. Though loving you for it is a little off the deep end even for me. I will always love you and that part of my heart will always be yours. Will I be alone forever, no I will always have the two beautiful children that I love and cherish so much by my side. And I promise you are always invited on wrestling nights.

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Shaye

xoxo

Shattered Glass

I was a castle made of glass, I picked and chose where and whom I gave my heart to. Yes, there were cracks and dents as there will be in any glass tower, but because of what had happened in the past I kept that glass as bulletproof as I could, just to keep my heart protected.You would think with all the things I have been through, the casing would have scuff marks, but no, every time I let my heart out to play I pulled it back in so it wasn’t full of bruises and dents. It was the one real, pure, innocent and naive part of me left.

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And then there was this one night that I breathed in your scent and I felt home. And then I felt your lips touch my own and I wanted for nothing more than to taste them for the rest of my life. I rested my head on your chest and listened to your heartbeat, feeling mine sync into the rhythm without a problem. I breathed you in until ou had to leave and then I watched you go. I felt that glass get just a tad more vulnerable.

You were inside me, I felt your soul wrap around mine and it wasn’t close enough, I needed to get closer. I needed every bit of you to touch every bit of me. That night when you looked into my eyes I felt the first taste of what I had only read about in the books I edited. I tried to stop it, I tried to throw on the breaks. I hadn’t been single, I hadn’t tried to do things on my own but I was yours, all yours and I know you knew it from the even before then.

Then we had our first “fight”. I told you I wasn’t ready, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, I was scared, I was confused and conflicted, I told you I hated you, I wasn’t ready to feel yet. I sat facing you sobbing as you looked into my eyes and told me you would wait. Told me you knew you I loved you too. I couldn’t say I didn’t, because I didn’t want to lie to you. I knew then that the glass was broken. I had given you my whole self in that moment.

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And now, I am still all in. I have thrown down my cards. I wasn’t ready to stop the lies, the attention seeking. I went into our relationship having never been loved the way you loved me. I went into our relationship never as sick or having as many things happening to me as there were. I went into our relationship not prepared for your amazing aura. You took care of myself and the kids as if you had been doing it for years. We went through the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears and I still couldn’t show you how much you mean to me. I made you feel unworthy and now that I know that…I feel like I was unworthy of you. I didn’t deserve what you gave me.

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So when you left I gave you the only thing you ever wanted, my heart.

And I sit here in a pile of lies and shattered glass…not knowing which way to crawl.

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