Category Archives: Grief

Therapy is not NOT an option

I didn’t go to therapy today. I know I need to but I really just didn’t want to. I surmise that this is for many reasons. Such as…My new antibiotics are making feel I’ll, I’m wicked tired, I know we’re starting to discuss emotional regulation today and my father in law passed away yesterday. All of these are very good reasons (well except one) for not going to group today but what lies under all of them is the fact that I really just didn’t want to go. Now, first of all, I believe it is helping me, more often than not I practice my debt skills to get me through the day. I try to be mindful and shuffle through all the skillfully playing cards they give me in order to cope with the outside world. I do not however like the fact that I have to keep track of what I am doing or follow each class up with himework. It makes me feel like a child and not an adult who is profiting from a group scenario. I think that is one of the reasons I get so snarky about it sometimes. Anyway, I do feel like crap from a third round of antibiotics I’ve been put on and will be going back to sleep for at least a little while.

As I sit here in my dim room with my pumpkin spice frappe (it’s amazing be jealous) I am drawn to the fact that I want so desperately to clean it, yet I can’t find the energy to do it. Granted I haven’t been high on spoons and I use most of them on my kids but there’s more to it than that. You see my room isn’t a mess per say, there are just parts of it that have clutter or need sorted out. There’s a brand new bookshelf that needs to be filled with all the wonderous books that I have. Some whose covers have never yet been opened. I think a lot of this is like my mind, a huge space so full of stuff that only the carefulness can navigate and find there way thtough. Easy to see what’s there but to delve into the hidden spots takes a keen eye and an intelligent mind. Things are hidden away. Locked treasures that you need to find the key for. One of them being my heart. But that box has multiple keys.

Speaking of which, so I was on Whisper the other day, where I received a very nice compliment. I wasn’t sure what part on my post deserved such a compliment but I appreciated it non the less. This is what I wrote.

And in very unhappy news, I am still numb after the phone call I got from the ex husband that his step dad had passed. Now I don’t generally think most people stay close to their ex’s family after a divorce but his mom, step-dad and siblings remained family to me. We exchange cards, pics, calls and whatnot. Living on two different coasts has made it hard on visits and I now feel guilty that he never got to meet my pixie. I am just taken totally aback by the situation. So I will be strong and I will push through. Gotta plan a trip sometime.

My thoughts are churning out endless streams of who knows what at the moment, so I shall  attempt to shut them down and nap. My tip of the day. Self love. Do it!

Sparkle thoughts

Xox

Breakthrough Depression in Words

Walking down the shore at dusk, the air is soft and warm, the smell of the ocean is inviting. My mind begins to wander, thoughts of what is yet to come fill my mind and I sigh happily content with what the future may bring. And then it happens, I hear a little voice in my head and that voice isn’t talking to me. It is a distant memory that I have buried in the back of my mind and it is getting louder. One glance out to the ocean and I can tell it is uneasy. As the waves begin to bubble up my body tries to turn so that my steps take me further from the waters edge but I am frozen. I am frozen as the sudden wave comes crashing over me, threatening to pull me into the depths of the water. As the waves crest to crash again I hear that voice louder this time. The water stings my eyes and as I try to blink I see memories of the days in the past. The water is tugging at me and it knocks me to the ground. The swell happens again and the voices and the pictures and the memories flood over me as I cling to the sand holding on for dear life. Tears fill my eyes over and over again and the waves crash and I sob, nails digging into the shore unwilling to let myself be pulled into the chaotic whirlpool that is the angry water. The waves last an indeterminant amount of time, and the salt water mixes with my tears and I am no longer able to tell the difference. My body is sandy and soaking as I press myself to the sand begging the water to cease. Finally, battered and worn, I feel the warm air on my back again and I realize the water is further away than it was to start. The waves have calmed and my body is tired. I pull myself into a sitting position, knees to chest, arms wrapped around to warm myself and I watch as the sun finally sinks into the water. My eyes swollen from the memories they saw, my body tired from the fearsome fight and my mind full of what ifs. But I made it, and it did not pull me down this time. I am allowed to cry, I am allowed to feel sorrow and pain, I am allowed to fight through the pain all of it caused but I am NOT allowed to give up. I deserve the solace and peace of mind that comes with moving forward. I deserve the happiness that lays in front of me. I know the ocean has not finished its fight with me and I never know when it is going to try to pull me under again but I know that I will be ok. I’ve come so far and I am ok.

53b486e37ea53a824422da2a3a3f0d6d

Radical Acceptance

This is a topic we covered in depth at DBT today. It is a topic that comes up quite a bit in distress tolerance and one that is the hardest for me to grasp. Mind you I know exactly what it is, I know how to do it (in theory) and I know how it works. But fuck my life if it comes easily to me. I sit here listening to a playlist I made on Spotify for one of the many manuscripts I am writing and I have tears dripping down my cheeks. The only saving grace is that I already cried off all of my eyeliner in the last hour of the group, so I am not going to look like a raccoon after writing this. I am sitting here staring at my phone, not paying attention to the keys I am pressing, knowing I can just auto correct this in Grammarly and repeating to myself “Radical Acceptance Shaye, do NOT pick up that phone, don’t do it, you are stronger than this…”.

The principle of radical acceptance is that things happen in life that is painful, stressful, hurtful and sad and you just have to accept them. You accept that these things happen and move forward. You can’t change them, you can’t change the emotions they cause so you accept them for what they are and you go forward in your life. Easy right? For more things yes, yes they can be considered very easy. Sometimes, accepting things comes very easy to individuals and sometimes they are very hard. My therapist put it this way. There is a difference between pain and suffering. It is like stepping on a nail. You can feel the pain and take your foot off the nail and move on, or you can keep your foot on that nail and continue to feel the pain…THAT is suffering. The point of radical acceptance is to not let yourself suffer. I have radically accepted a lot of things in my life. But one thing, in particular, I have realized I have accepted but I am still suffering because my foot in some small way is still on that nail. That is why the tears fell from my eyes for an hour discussing this principle in the group. I have still not radically accepted the biggest change in my life. And I really want to but I don’t know how.

62e78145f44000d0da1c634439119345

I have radically accepted –

My diagnoses’ of BPD, BPII and all the fun stuff that comes with it

My 5 autoimmune diseases

My divorce from my ex-husband

My inability to lose weight without a medical intervention

The fact that my miscarriages were NOT my fault

The death of people I have loved so much

I have accepted –

That I have lost the one person I have truly loved

 

I am having trouble radically accepting the three facts above. I having trouble with accepting them because I don’t know if any of what happened between us was real. I can not radically accept any of those emotions because I don’t know if anything he said was true. I don’t know if he meant all those pretty words that came out of his mouth. I know he has said them to her and who knows if he said them before me. He said forever and always and he didn’t mean them or he would still be around. He promised me family and children but that’s out the window too. They say karma’s a bitch and he hurt me so he will be hurt. But I don’t want him hurt, and if I got hurt that badly who the hell did I piss off in order for me to be hurt that badly in the first place? Is anything I am saying make sense or am I snowballing down a treacherous slope? The thing is I am healing, I have moved past it, but a song, a word, a memory creeps in and I doubt the things that happened. I doubt that the year of my life made any impact on anyone except my children and I. Why bother wasting a year of your life if you never meant the words. You moved on from the pain like you felt no pain. You left all the pain for me to feel while you can go and give someone else the promise of forever when you have known them not even a fraction of the time you knew me. And you said I gave you the meaning of love. And what sucks is that I don’t know if anything you said was real. Except goodbye. I know that was real. And you couldn’t even say goodbye, it was just silence. With an apology to someone else. I can’t radically accept something that has no ending, no closure. It was all a fantastical daydream that turned into a nightmare. And it left me with the one thing that I never have. Regret. I regret it and you How am I supposed to radically accept regret.fc0fc5fe5fe5e5cf5b6cbc764815eaa7

I hope I understand it soon. I hope I can radically accept it soon. I hope boxing the rest of it up and getting it out my house helps. The memories, the pictures, the pieces of our handfasting, the pieces of your mother that you left with me…Why? Why keep what was a lie? One big dream. One last nightmare. Faerietale suicide.

 

0ed17748e942761a27d8eb9b0dc31d33

I was, I am, I will be

When you met me I was broken. A shattered girl who was scared. Scared to love, to trust, to believe in herself let alone anyone else. Anger, confusion, sadness all bubbling just under the surface of the calm. Tears not to far behind those emerald eyes, just yearning for the trigger to snap so they could flow. Gently you pushed, you built a bridge to let me cross, to make me believe. I did, I believed, I trusted, I belonged. All that pain and fear went away.
Now you’re gone and I’m OK. Everyday I’m OK. I breathe and live and laugh. I dream and hope and wish. I create and devise and heal. I’m OK everyday and everyway…until it comes to love.

Then I am broken. A shattered girl who is scared. Scared to love, to trust, to believe in herself let alone anyone else. Anger, confusion, sadness all bubbling just under the surface of the calm. Tears not to far behind those emerald eyes, just yearning for the trigger to snap so they can flow.

This time…you are the reason. You are the one that broke me. That made me believe and then shattered every promise you gave me. I could have been ok. But you came back and gave me a final word. Of everlasting friendship and family. Then you shattered that. Not just for me. For my family. All of us. You made us believe. Then you stomped on that belief. And you never said you were sorry. You never said goodbye.

I told you once, everyone I have ever loved leaves me behind. You said you never would…Liar

One day, the pain will fade. I will set your memory aflame.Your invasion of my soul will subside. I long for that day. The day I can hear a song without cringing, your  name without twinning, watch a movie without tears in my eyes. One day I’ll be free to love again. Because I know what that word means. Because when you love, it isn’t easy to get over and move on. There is always a piece left behind, as a reminder of who you used to be.

My Girls in Heaven (trigger warning)

If I close my eyes and wish hard enough, dream sweetly enough I can hear your laughter. Soft and sweet giggles on the wind. I can feel your little hands close in mind as we go running through the field of wildflowers into the woods where we play hide and seek. I can see your eyes, bright blue and bright green, your hair in alternate shades of deep and light red, your skin pale as the day is long with those scatter freckles across your cheeks just like your brother and sister. I can hear your soft sweet voices singing on the wind as we tumble to the ground and make daisy crowns for our hair while we play by the water’s edge on our afternoon adventure. I feel the weight of your bodies in my lap as I hold you in my arms not wanting this day to end, this dream to be woken from. Your sweet kisses to my cheeks assure me that you will be there again when I come to visit you, that I don’t belong there to stay, that it’s time for me to go home. And when reality sets back in and I open my eyes to the world with tearstained cheeks, I know that somewhere you are still watching over me.

5eb680efec721d98322724d220cb3d2a

 

I scoop up my babies and hold then tight, whispering to them how much I love them. They ask me why I have tears in my eyes and all I can tell them is that it is because I am so happy to have them with me. It is not a lie, I am happy, I am lucky that I get to hold them in my arms, that I get each and every day with them. The only part I leave out is that part of the reason for the tears is for their siblings who are always watching us and will one day be able to hug us when our souls join with theirs. One day I will tell them about their sisters who will forever be in our hearts. But for today, I will wrap them up in all over my love.

d06c72c689324ac6775df0fe5276182a

 

There is for as long as I have known a stigma around writing about miscarriage, a taboo about the written word of losing a baby before they were born. But my girls were a part of me and I am not ashamed to say that. There is a part of my heart and soul that no matter what anyone says or how much time has passed that won’t stop hurting for the loss of them. They were part of me, I created them, I saw them, I knew they were there in my soul and then they weren’t. And that loss is soul crushing.

a27c0fe7949608c3784b2b824e541dd3

When I found out I was pregnant in 2008 I was beyond the moon, a second baby when I was told I couldn’t have a first. I knew that this pregnancy was going to be different because I couldn’t even stand the smell of sugar, oh it was terrible. I was somewhere between 7-10 weeks along when I lost her that Father’s Day, June 21, 2008. It was confirmed by a test the next day, they took my blood and called me and I remember the phone falling out of my hands and dropping to the ground. I remember feeling crushed. I held my spritely boy that day so tightly as though the heavens would take him from me too. Later than summer I was granted a wish and therein lie the miracle and my Pixie was born 2 months after her sister should have been.

5207662afd18b7e8a736c97769a7b57e

We thought I was sick in 2015, we thought it was my lap band, we thought it was something with my stomach, I went under surgery twice not knowing. And then the results came in, I was pregnant. I was thrilled, beyond thrilled, I had a wonderful relationship and everything was going well. I was terrified and anxious and excited, I was going to do everything right this time. But everything wasn’t going as planned. The first sonogram showed her smaller than she should have been but that was ok. Then the next one, I saw her heart beating! I saw it, it was slow but it was there and I thought, look at that, this is really happening. I tossed away all the concerned looks that everyone else had because of how small she was still measuring. Then it happened the next week. She was still there, a smudge and actual smudge, I saw her…but her heart had stopped beating and she was gone, just gone. And so was I., This time, it wasn’t just let nature happen, it was medical intervention happens. We didn’t know exactly how far along I was. But June 8th, 2015 was her day, her birthday I suppose but as she had passed while still inside my body I don’t know what t call it. She was about the age as her sister had been, but the whole experience was different. This one included contractions and pain and the whole experience I had with my live births. I was devastated. My life would be forever changed.

e8986bc006fb5673530a158dbbf5ec33

Why am I writing this now? Because it is June, because June for me is a hard month, one of plenty of happiness but one of a lot of pain. One that will bring about the summer and one that will forever remind me of my angel babies. May-June one day be a month of rebirth for me and not hold my heart so heavy, this is what I can wish for. So today I will go and make a flower crown with my faerie kids, we shall run and we shall play and we shall laugh. And our laughter will bring us smiles and I know somewhere our angels are smiling down on us.

83329719affbd3984412bc2527b6bb23

Mommy loves you

Always

Shaye

xoxo

82049dc7fc2ca8fe698a601c8fe8fe09

Bandaids

image

Raw edges of a soul torn open, yet the wound will never heal if you keep touching the edges. Flashes if a past, of friendships long forgotten, of family so dear, stitched up inside you so tight. Until the day….until the day you switch gets flipped and without knowing it those wounds are torn open. Years of blame, guilt, regret. Years of. Instability, worthlessness, invalidation come pouring out.

image

And it isn’t till you catch yourself staring at the label on a valium bottle that you realize your face if soaking wet and your curled under a blanket. It isn’t until your wrists at skinned raw and blood is dripping down your fingers that you think maybe you need stronger duct tape to hold your wounds shut. You watch your shattered pieces gather themselves with pieces of glitter and glue trying to rebuild itself into some semblance of what it once was.

image

But a bandaid can’t fix a shattered soul, a valium coma can’t make you survive the day and blood is better inside then out.

So take a deep breath and grab yourself some glitter. You will survive. I believe in you.

Shaye
Xoxo

image

Sleeping Dogs

image

People tell you that you should let sleeping dogs lay still. That they are put to bed and should stay there. A lot of those times ut is easy to do. It helps heal your soul, move past your grief and travel forward in your life.
It can be the hardest process to put what you consider unfinished to bed,specially when your ink has run out somewhere in the middle. But you still move forward, taking care of what you must and finding you again. That’s where I was. 58lbs lighter, a smile on my face, laughter, friends, my wonderful sprites. A whole new adventure full of surprises in front of me.
But there was a rascal of a puppy who would stay asleep. One that I cared for so much and gave so much too that once my healing had really progressed, I thought we would fall back into friendship. He wouldn’t rest but he wasn’t ready. When he was, we started to, with such ease that it seemed like the bad had been left behind.
Wouldn’t you know it, my support and love and friendship made the bad catch back up and that puppy may be removed all together. I sit and think and dissect my words. I did nothing erong. I nurtured and supported but it was too much. Me being ok was too much. I had stopped fighting and started supporting and seems all for naught. We shall see what the days ahead bring. Whether my sprites shall be scarred from the scratches of yesterday. I only wish that the gauntlet hadn’t been thrown down. Hadn’t enough people suffered.

Nope…I’m the one who goes to sleep in tears because she cannot listen to her own words.

image

Pinky Promise

image

Noone can hold it together all of the time. Not you and most certainly not me. There comes a time when even the most put together people fall apart. Those are the hard times. When those people that you look to, to hold your pieces together fall apart. You can stand there with your arms open, tissue boxes at your side, holding them as their body shakes with so many tears. You can run your fingers through their hair and whisper the words “I know” because you do. You can look them in the eyes and tell them they will get through this, that it will get better and know that in your heart it will. But why can’t you believe it yourself.
image

Your eyes mirror thiers, different shades of colors, kalioscopic tears, yearning to take their pain away. The pain of an ending before the book is closed. But thiers hopr. Their candle still flickers when you’re has been snuffed out. Helpless, you try and make the best out of the situation for them because you know it’s too late for you. You’ve accepted what you were handed and you’ve begun to move on.
image

You wish you could take their pain away, but you can’t.
You wish you could calm their fears, but you don’t have the words.
You wish that they never had to go through this, but you can’t protect them forever.
So you hold out your arms and wrap them as tightly as you can. You whisper the words “I know”. You give them the strength you have left.
image

Because you promised you’d be there. And best friends don’t break their promises.

I’m here. I always will be.
Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

image

I’m here for you. For as long as you need me.

I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.

I am here for you. For as long as you need me.

Sparkles,

Shaye

Xoxo

 

Seperate Paths… (until we meet again)

image

If you asked me how I am today
I’d tell you I don’t know
If you tried to touch my heart today
I’d beg you to go slow
The smile begot the tears somehow
And down my cheeks they flow
And if you ask me to explain
I’d silently mouth no

There used to be a place in time
I knew what it all meant
A happiness inside my soul
Where all the feelings went
But now I feel my insides steam
Just looking for a vent
An emotional toll paid out by me
My change has all but spent

A silent tear rolls down my cheek
As I gaze up to the star
I wonder if somewhere out there
You miss me from a far
I close my eyes and make a wish
Just like I did that day
That you’ll be happy no matter what
Even though you went away

I gave so much of me to you
Even though you did not know it then
From heart and soul to trivial things
Like words beneath this pen
You gave toe all that you had
I hold it close this day
And wish that I had the words
To make you come and stay

But our paths have split and we have gone
Alone our seperate ways
We’ve done this dance a time ago
And here we are to day
So when you look upon the stars
Before you close your eyes
Just know that beyond the scope of time
It’s never a good bye

And if in dreamland we should meet
At that place where we were one
Just take my hand and sit with me
Until our time does come
To rise again another day
To face the world again
And know that I’ll be always here
Forever my best friend ♡

image