Category Archives: Geek

Igniting the Spark

Far be it from me to ever criticize someone for doing what they love. Okay, that is a lie. I do it all the time. for as much DBT as I go through I am still as judgey as they come and I will be the first to admit that. But I have realized in the past week how freeing it is to really fall in love with something you do and being someone that you are. The last weekend I have never felt so free in my life. Well, that is a lie too, I felt that way once before. When I went to a place of ultimate magic, when I went to New Orleans. It’s funny how the trip of a lifetime and a jaunt to a convention in Rhode Island could make me feel the exact same way but I assume it is a place and time thing. I was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time I needed to be there and that is what mattered.

I booked my tickets to Rhode Island Comic Con just a week out from y sleeve surgery, hoping that I would be tiny enough to fit into some fantastical cosplay creation that only my mind could dream up. I ended up going with jeans and a tee shirt. but jeans that were 5 sizes smaller than the ones I had started off in. Small victories right? I just needed the break. I needed to get away and finally do something that was just for me. It had nothing to do with the kids or being in PA. It just had to do with the fact that I hadn’t celebrated who I was in a really long time. Fuck if I know who I am half the time.

The weekend started off with me visiting a friend that I haven’t seen in 17 years. It ended with me in tears over a girl I had just met 24 hours before hand. I had bonded so close to another human being in 24 hours that it physically hurt to leave her side. Laugh if you will but I haven’t felt or allowed to feel myself that strength of emotion in a really long time. In between that, there was laughter and happiness. Smiles and giddiness. A sense of overwhelming freedom and magic. Everywhere I turned there was a lightness to my soul and a sense of wonderment in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel the burden of despair that weighs me down. For the first time in a long time, I felt as if I could do anything. Like the world really was at my fingertips. One weekend just to be me. To discover me. To reignite what was in my soul.

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In a mere three days, I realized a lot of things about myself. I realized that I have a big personality that I can;t keep bottled up no matter who wants me too. I realized that I deserve so much of what life has to offer no matter who doesn’t think so. I realized that my beauty is not only kept inside where I think it is but it does radiate on the outside even when I am not so sure of myself. I realized that I don’t want to be pent up anymore, I want to be let out into the world. I realized I want my children to have the world full of experiences and meet people that are not all like them because it is then that they will learn the meaning of love. I realized that I deserve to live my life the way I want to live my life and not by anyone else’s rules

I realized I was finally ready to start defying gravity instead of letting everyone hold me down anymore.

I came home and all the weight started pushing me down again. It’s really hard to push back, it’s really heavy and it’s a lot to deal with. But for the first time….I am NOT afraid to push back. My spark has been reignited. I am going to defy gravity damn it…

Oh and the list of stars that I rubbed elbows with because people keep asking

DJ Qualls
Thomas Nicholas
Christian Slater
Jefferey Dean Morgan
Alice Cooper
Stefan Kapicic
Falk Hentschel
Casper crump
 Brett dalton
 Arthur Darville
 Jason David frank
 Brianna Hildebrand
 Jim Parrack
Sean Pertwee
 Brent Spiner
 Mena Suvari
 Travis Aaron wade
 William Zabka
 Ian Ziering
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Steps Forward. Small Victories!

​In showing off my awesome shirt today I realized a few things.

1. It fits! When I bought it, I couldn’t squeeze myself into it and now it fits quite nicely

2. It has been a long time since I took a body pic and felt comfortable enough to share it with the world and I must say, I think I look pretty darn good

3. Alan Rickman is still very much missed and adored in this girls soul

Unrealistic Expectations 

The movie Practical Magic holds a special place in my heart. The weird, kooky, romantic yet family oriented plot reached me on so many levels. So far this year has not been peaches and cream so I found myself turning to this movie to help me smile or even just cry it out. I find myself drawn to on part in particular —

Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.

Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?

Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.

Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.

Young Sally Owens: That’s the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist, I’ll never die of a broken heart.

Everyday I think about how proud I am of how far I’ve come. As an independent woman, as a free thinker and as a strong mother. I know that I am a whole person worthy of many great things. There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever be ready to let someone else in. If there will ever be someone that can love to real, whole me. 

So in preparation for this moment in the future I came up with a list of standards that my next partner in crime needs to meet. It’s been decided that they need at least a 65% pass rate to move onto the next round. It is totally unrealistic and very Practical Magic of me. I don’t actually expect any of it to come true but some of the requirements would be swoonworthy. It is as follows – 

1. Can sing (or gives it their best shot)

2. Can dance (or at least be willing to make a fool out of themselves trying)

3. Must be a geek  (or love em)

4. Must be intelligent

5. Must be funny

6. Must be charming

7. Must enjoy ALL kinds of movies

8. Must have nice arms

9. Must have a good bad guy smirk

10. Must have a job

11. Said job must be secure

12. Must get along with his family

13. Must get along with my family

14. Must want A family

15. Must be able to hold a conversation

16. Must be able to debate

17. Must be able to communicate

18. Must love dogs

19. Must be honest

20. Must be loyal

21. Must love Disney

22. Must be romantic

23. Must be well read

24. Must be willing to read

25. Must be quirky

26. Must speak at least 2 languag

27. Must be unfuckingbelievable

28. Must have great hair

29. Must appreciate ALL music

30. Must have expressive eyebrows

31. Must look like or at the least resemble in anyway the following actors

Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt, John Cusack, Josh Peck, Steve Brundage, Iwan Rheon, Billy Boyd, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Justin Long, Jay Baruchel, Bill Hader, Richard Gene or Patrick Swayze

Mother’s Day

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“Mama, I made you breakfast!”

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Bleary eyed and very aware of a strong scent of ranch dressing I glance at my cell phone. It’s 7:03am…My sprite has made me a cheesy ranch wrap for breakfast. I hug him with all my might, trade him for a granola bar, glass of milk and tell him I’ll eat it for lunch. Then we snuggle with the Pixie who is still half asleep perpendicular to me. I don’t know how he wriggled his way from between us but he did.

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The day commences with a nap, a gorgeous plant, who is affectionately named Spengler, who I am NOT allowed to take care of because and I quote “You are a danger to nature”.

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Gorgeous pictures, cards and a teeny book all made by the Pixie. Then out the door we go.

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We wave to all the people waiting for the Mother’s Day trucks on the side of the highway, feeling like stars, and head into see Civil War. HOLY FUCK IT’S AMAZING!!!! Pixie fell asleep towards the end but the Sprite and I must see it again. Then it’s home again.

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Some downtime, Once Upon a Time, bedtime, Game of Thrones and here we are. There were tears shed. Tears for those I lost and missed  tears for those that usually call but didn’t and tears because the Three Musketeers all felt like a piece of their family was missing today. But we survived it and the day was so very special.

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I hope you all had a sparkly Mother’s Day

Shaye
Xoxo

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Where were you? (14 years ago)

It’s almost 14 years ago, my first time. I was scared and it was dark. I had been given a tour but I still didn’t know what the hell I was doing. A virginal experience, great…and I was on my own. I could tell this was going to be unlike anything I had done before. I heard a noise in the dark…I began to run; little did I know that noise in the dark, the path I started running on would lead me to where I am today.

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That first night of my very first LARP would lead me to find out what the bond of family meant, how friendships can stand the test of time, what loving with your whole heart feels like and how home isn’t where you rest your head but where your soul feels the safest. I also learned how power can corrupt, what a real bad guy really is, how drama is never really left in high school and how believing what everyone says can not only hurt you but hurt those around you.

I sit here watching the rain almost 14 years later, marveling at how life has changed. Back then life was about having fun, raising hell, flirting, messy relationships and being too naive to realize how much people cared and how drama would follow you for years to come. It was before kids, marriage, illness. Before real responsibility and life really set in. I was so innocent minded, naive hearted and optimistic. I thought life was so hard. I was a gypsy soul with a faerie spirit. There were only two things I knew for sure…That I knew who would be around for the rest of my life and that I had fallen in love hard with someone who would change my world forever (even though I hadn’t told him).

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Now those people who I called family only see each other at funerals and promise to see each other more often. We’ve drifted apart and we try to stick together when we can but we know IF we are NEEDED we show up en mass. There are people that have drifted away to find their own new adventures. There has been marriage and divorce, lots of little ones along the way. Drama has dwindled although give us too many bottles of wine and we will bring it up and laugh about it now.

I listen to my sprites chatter away as they are falling asleep and I smile because so much of my life has changed. I have planted roots in a place I never thought I would. I have lived in more places than I ever thought I would and I am in school to help others in ways I should have been helped as a teenager. I spend my days running to appointments for the countless things that are broken with my body and my nights editing for independent authors, writing in at least one of my novels and doing schoolwork.

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I have bills and I can drive a car. I know what real life and responsibility are. I know why I can’t just move with a change in the winds. Life has taken me on a hard path and I have stumbled and fallen so many times I can’t even tell you how many scars I have but I keep moving forward. My mind isn’t innocent anymore but my heart is still pure and loving and I can still be way too optimistic for maybe anybody’s good. I’ve been told I should be jaded but I can’t be. I’ve been told I am a lot stronger than I was but I don’t see it. I guess I am glad other people can see it in me. Life is still sometimes flirty and full of raising hell (and by hell I mean the sprites of course). Messy relationships are still happening every so often but by now I know when to walk away.

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I still have that person who I knew would remain in my life forever. I have found ou that if you’re good friends with someone for over 7 years you will be friends with them forever. Thinking about my closest friends, I met the ones that are there and have been there through all the ups and downs of life through nights int he woods. We still share the laughter and tears, the inside jokes, the secrets and the boozy nights of going “why did we think our shit was that hard?!?!???”. That guy that I felt hard in love with, I still am and I don’t know how not to be, he knows now though. Although he is not in my life in the capacity I wish he was, he is in my life and I know he always will be, that is the stuff that matters.

Life changes around you all the time, 14 years ago I found the place I needed to start finding the path to my destiny. To the woman, I was to become. Be it in Avalon or Ravenna, I always knew that I had family, laughter and a place to escape for a while when life got to be too much. For that I am thankful

Sparkles

Shaye

xoxo

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