Category Archives: funny

Eliza Dushku is so hot

I had a long winded rant that I was going to go into, about life and why this week was going to be really stressful but I happen to be sitting in front of the TV and while the TV is generally not a distraction…Eliza Dushku sauntering on, during try-outs for Bring it On is just fucking distracting. Now I knew for a long time that I had weird feelings when it came to girls, that I wasn’t sure why I got that tingle in my belly when I had sleepovers just like when I played football with the boys but I never really thought of when I had a sexual awakening. Thinking about it now, I am not really sure I can pinpoint it, it had to have come sometime in high school, I mean that was when the experimentation (meaning kissing girls for fun and sport) really started. But Eliza Dushku…

I remember the first time I saw Faith on Buffy, there was something about the feisty, sparkly, sassy extra slayer that just got my juices flowing. Now, looking back on it I can totally tell you that I was highly attracted to her but then I think it was a mixture of that and wanting to be her. Which kind of ties into what I was thinking about before. What I have been thinking about for the past few days. What I want to be when I grow up. Now I am not still fantasizing about being Eliza Dushku…meeting her, yes but not being her. When I am talking about growing up, I am obviously and adult and I do realize that….and I am not talking about my career path. I am talking about the kind of person I want to see reflected back at me.

58380acb34eb528f346528ba08dc88d8

I have taken time out in the past few days to reflect on things that have been going on around me, I have been told to take a deep breath and write what I am feeling if I come up to a blockage to write through it and keep writing till I felt comfortable. I fought against that notion until this very moment. I have only thought about writing for the past few days and here I am. Now all I have been feeling is that the winds of change are blowing and if I don’t put my umbrella in the draft I am going to miss my chance and life is going to start passing me by. I have been thinking about my plans for the future, for what life is going to be like in the next couple of months, weeks, days even. A lot of stuff is happening…So let’s catch up.

This week, the kiddos are gone on another mini vacay with their Nanny so I could get stuff done while they had fun. This week is looking towards being super stressful. Back into court with the ex, figuring out exactly what is going to happen with all kinds of custody things. Hoping it turns out fine but I feel like in some ways I am being set up. Seriously…who asks the main parent to pack specific full wardrobes for children for a ten-day vacation and returns the bags with the clothes untouched? Was it a test? T make sure they have clothes? My children are well taken care of, they are healthy, well fed, happy and well adjusted. They are going to be involved in music lessons, piano and violin, drama club, sports, gymnastics and Hebrew school this year. They have so much going on and I am not going to let ANYONE ruin that. So that is all going to be taken care of on Thursday, hopefully, it is all worked out amicably….Because I don’t want to have to go through a whole court battle, it won’t be ok for them and they are all that I care about.

After this mess is cleared up we continue to gear up for school, now it has hit me that I am really doing this on my own. Now I know I have been on my own for the past 7 months, trust me that hasn’t failed to fall on my shoulders but this is different. This feels new, like a new leaf, new responsibilities, and a whole new book. Maybe because it finally is a new year and as a Mom, the start of a new school year is the real beginning. Maybe because there are so many adventures on the horizon and I finally feel up to the task of doing it myself. Maybe because I have realized that I have the ability to do it on my own and it is actually a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Either way, the new school year is a big deal and that is approaching rapidly.

Also my house, I am rearranging, throwing out, reorganizing and getting rid of the old. I am done with things that have bad memory and juju attached to them. I want my kids to look at things and smile. I want to curl up in my bed and have it be my sanctuary because I am a fucking princess. I don’t need a prince to tell me that.

0e6dd32827af16912db5e94818b464f6

Then we come to my surgery, as of the 26th I will be making my last appointment with my surgeon before we schedule my gastric sleeve surgery. I am totally excited and totally terrified all at the same time. I can’t wait to continue on my journey with a new tool in my bag that will help me become a new, healthy me. I am terrified because I have actually become half convinced that I will not recognize myself anymore. I have so many thoughts in my mind about what is going to happen with the surgery that I give myself a headache. I know it it is going to amazing and wonderful and incredible. I also know it is going to be a huge lifestyle change, it is going to be a whole new me and I have to accept the fact that I will look different and I will feel different and I will get different attention. I have to be ok with that. I think it is the different kind of attention. I don’t know what it will be if it is going to happen and that is the biggest part that scares me. I think I am scared people won’t love me for who I am anymore but for what is on the outside. But I shouldn’t worry about it so much because I still know who I am and I love that person….Are you still keeping up? I think I lost myself about a paragraph ago.

So ahem….now that we have caught up on what will be going on I will leave you with this. I have finally got the courage under my wings, and a voice whispering in my ear, and a foot kicking me in the ass to really get on board with my book project. It is still in the futzing around stages right now but I can tell you it is going to be amazing. I can also tell you that I have been working on my bariatric blog and that has been going pretty fucking well too. I am going to go back to watching Eliza Dushku shaking her ass…and I am going to pick out a whole new bedroom set while doing so. Because I am starting a whole new book and this sassy slayer gets to start shaking it in style too.

6475c2e4a2482edef14591779f9380dd

You Can’t Make This S#%! Up

A hilarious and real story that could only happen to one of my dearest friend. So without further ado and in her own words…I give you, Arboria- 

I was in Atlanta this week for work.  I stayed at my usual hotel near the office.  Generally I don’t see very many people around,  but it was pretty hoping with a group of gentlemen that liked to hang out in the bed of their pickup trucks or out in front of the hotel this week.  Seemed wierd, but whatever.  On Monday I arrived and for ease of travel (and Pokémon hunting) I was wearing capre yoga pants and a tight-ish tank top that showed off my figure.  I was walking around the hotel parking lot looking for Pokémon that evening and I noticed one of the guys sitting on the curb in the parking lot starring at his phone. I did a walk by to see if he was playing Pokemon.  He wasn’t so I kept waking.   NBD, but when I was back upstairs later that night walking the hall (ok, hunting more Pokémon) he showed up and sparked up a conversation.  He told me he was watching welding videos and we had a quick exchange before he went into his room (right across the hall from me).  

I thought that was the ends of it,  but when I got back to the hotel the next night he was there and we chatted a little more.  I was getting a weird vibe so I cut the small talk sort and headed into my room.  

Next night, I get back to the hotel and he’s out front in a group of his buddies chatting with them.  I gave him a smile and said hi and went to the elevators. He must have jogged to catch up with me and when we got in the elevator he said.  “Are you single, I was gonna ask if you wanted to get a drink?”  Ah,  wierd vibe ID’d; he was just really bad at flirting.   I told him I was married but I’d chat with him later if he wanted to hang out.  Asked if he wanted to hang out in the hotel lobby the next night (safe place with staff on duty at all times just in case! Also meant I knew where to go for help if things got weird).  He said he had plans for that night and he was flying home the following day,  as was I.  Anyway,  I went back to my room, he went to his, but about an hour later I get a knock on my door.  It was him asking what I was up to, and if I wanted to go downstairs then.   I must have looked flustered or out of it.  I said I was working on something,  but I’d finish up.  He changed his mind and said let’s do it tomorrow (he must have changed his plans,  yikes,  getting creepy!)  We both go back to our rooms.  I’m wondering if his posse from downstairs was egging him on eventhough I told  him I was married.  
Next day I decided this was all too weird for me so I stayed at the office until after he’s usually no longer around the hotel.  Got back about 10p.  I stopped at the front desk and told the guy there that the gentleman across the hall had asked me out the previous day and I was a little weirded out since he knew what room I was in.  I asked him to send someone up in a few minutes of I didn’t call down.  Thankfully no encounter, guy across the hall was asleep as I guessed (i could hear him snoring!)  I called down and gave the all clear,  but I was feeling kinda bad for the guy because he really could have been just a nice guy and I didn’t want to make him feel bad about getting “stood up” so I left a little note in his door that said the boss took us all out for dinner and I didn’t get back until late,  and that I hoped I hadn’t ruined his plans for the evening.   I figured, we’ll that’s the end of it, I never see him in the morning, so I’d be safe and hopefully I hadn’t hurt his feelings. He really did seem like a nice guy.  He never even told me his name and I didn’t tell him mine.

I got up, had breakfast at the hotel and left and didn’t see him again.  Did all my normal leaving Atlanta stuff,  returned the car,  took the train to the terminal, hunted some Pokémon (i have a problem!), grabbed a sandwich for on the plane, went to my gate, got ready to board the plane,  turned to ask the random stranger next to me what group they had just called because I wasnt paying attention, and…………………….. ladies! It was the guy from the hotel!  I shit you not,  the freakin guy staying across from me in the hotel, the one that asked me out.   In all of the thousands of people in the Atlanta airport,  I asked THAT guy what group was called for my flight,  the flight he was boarding…..my brain:  holy shit, is he a stalker, how the fuck did he find out what plane I was on.  I never gave him my name,  did he have cameras in my room, did he hack my phone or my computer,  is he buddy, buddy with hotel staff since he’s staying there for an extended period of time, did they give him my name.  OMG, who do I call,  WTF am I going to do (logical brain me slaps paranoid brain me across the face and takes control of the situation) see that look on his face, he didn’t recognize you at first,  really, truly,  didn’t have any idea who you were.  Shut up paranoid brain, you’re an idiot!…so I talk to him for a little while because it would be obviously very rude not to and there are tons of people around, and truthfully he’s probably just a really nice guy and I’m being a paranoid idiot.  He said he got my note and said he was going to ask if I wanted to go for a walk cause he knew I was playing that game (Pokémon) , I had it on so I showed him a few things,  but he didn’t seem interested at all,  so I stopped…(seriously if he is really that sweet and thoughtful I hope he finds a great girl). We chatted about our seating assignment…I’m in row 13….he’s in row 12!   (Dear universe, what the hell are you trying to tell me,  I’m not getting it!)  We sit and have a bit more small talk.  He’s going to Philly,  but he has a long layover,  he’s from Westfield,  PA,  someones going to pick him up.  I tell him I’m going to my parents to get my daughter,  give him a town close by (not the actual town, because paranoid brain still gets some say in this interaction and he’s probably the first person I didn’t try to show pictures of Kitten to…don’t want him to know what my kid looks like if he’s a stalker!)  Funny thing about the town I picked,  that’s where the company he works for is headquartered  (Really universe, REALLY! Am I supposed to run away with this random stranger or something?)  

The lady in row 12 sits down and he starts talking to her.  While he’s distracted I snap a quick picture and sent it to a friend who knows what’s going on in case he tries to grab me from the airport or something (paranoid brain never shuts up!)  I start eating my lunch, he turns around to ask how I’m doing, sees I’m  eating and goes back to talking to row 12 lady.  Once we’re at cruising altitude I grab my laptop to do some work I’ve been neglecting all trip in favor of Pokémon hunting.  I see him look back a few times,  but I really do need to work,  so I pretend not to notice.  

The plane lands, he says have a nice trip and he’s gone….I still don’t know his name! 
So that was my week,  how was yours?!