Category Archives: Fun Stuff

Igniting the Spark

Far be it from me to ever criticize someone for doing what they love. Okay, that is a lie. I do it all the time. for as much DBT as I go through I am still as judgey as they come and I will be the first to admit that. But I have realized in the past week how freeing it is to really fall in love with something you do and being someone that you are. The last weekend I have never felt so free in my life. Well, that is a lie too, I felt that way once before. When I went to a place of ultimate magic, when I went to New Orleans. It’s funny how the trip of a lifetime and a jaunt to a convention in Rhode Island could make me feel the exact same way but I assume it is a place and time thing. I was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time I needed to be there and that is what mattered.

I booked my tickets to Rhode Island Comic Con just a week out from y sleeve surgery, hoping that I would be tiny enough to fit into some fantastical cosplay creation that only my mind could dream up. I ended up going with jeans and a tee shirt. but jeans that were 5 sizes smaller than the ones I had started off in. Small victories right? I just needed the break. I needed to get away and finally do something that was just for me. It had nothing to do with the kids or being in PA. It just had to do with the fact that I hadn’t celebrated who I was in a really long time. Fuck if I know who I am half the time.

The weekend started off with me visiting a friend that I haven’t seen in 17 years. It ended with me in tears over a girl I had just met 24 hours before hand. I had bonded so close to another human being in 24 hours that it physically hurt to leave her side. Laugh if you will but I haven’t felt or allowed to feel myself that strength of emotion in a really long time. In between that, there was laughter and happiness. Smiles and giddiness. A sense of overwhelming freedom and magic. Everywhere I turned there was a lightness to my soul and a sense of wonderment in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel the burden of despair that weighs me down. For the first time in a long time, I felt as if I could do anything. Like the world really was at my fingertips. One weekend just to be me. To discover me. To reignite what was in my soul.

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In a mere three days, I realized a lot of things about myself. I realized that I have a big personality that I can;t keep bottled up no matter who wants me too. I realized that I deserve so much of what life has to offer no matter who doesn’t think so. I realized that my beauty is not only kept inside where I think it is but it does radiate on the outside even when I am not so sure of myself. I realized that I don’t want to be pent up anymore, I want to be let out into the world. I realized I want my children to have the world full of experiences and meet people that are not all like them because it is then that they will learn the meaning of love. I realized that I deserve to live my life the way I want to live my life and not by anyone else’s rules

I realized I was finally ready to start defying gravity instead of letting everyone hold me down anymore.

I came home and all the weight started pushing me down again. It’s really hard to push back, it’s really heavy and it’s a lot to deal with. But for the first time….I am NOT afraid to push back. My spark has been reignited. I am going to defy gravity damn it…

Oh and the list of stars that I rubbed elbows with because people keep asking

DJ Qualls
Thomas Nicholas
Christian Slater
Jefferey Dean Morgan
Alice Cooper
Stefan Kapicic
Falk Hentschel
Casper crump
 Brett dalton
 Arthur Darville
 Jason David frank
 Brianna Hildebrand
 Jim Parrack
Sean Pertwee
 Brent Spiner
 Mena Suvari
 Travis Aaron wade
 William Zabka
 Ian Ziering
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Unrealistic Expectations 

The movie Practical Magic holds a special place in my heart. The weird, kooky, romantic yet family oriented plot reached me on so many levels. So far this year has not been peaches and cream so I found myself turning to this movie to help me smile or even just cry it out. I find myself drawn to on part in particular —

Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.

Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?

Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.

Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.

Young Sally Owens: That’s the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist, I’ll never die of a broken heart.

Everyday I think about how proud I am of how far I’ve come. As an independent woman, as a free thinker and as a strong mother. I know that I am a whole person worthy of many great things. There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever be ready to let someone else in. If there will ever be someone that can love to real, whole me. 

So in preparation for this moment in the future I came up with a list of standards that my next partner in crime needs to meet. It’s been decided that they need at least a 65% pass rate to move onto the next round. It is totally unrealistic and very Practical Magic of me. I don’t actually expect any of it to come true but some of the requirements would be swoonworthy. It is as follows – 

1. Can sing (or gives it their best shot)

2. Can dance (or at least be willing to make a fool out of themselves trying)

3. Must be a geek  (or love em)

4. Must be intelligent

5. Must be funny

6. Must be charming

7. Must enjoy ALL kinds of movies

8. Must have nice arms

9. Must have a good bad guy smirk

10. Must have a job

11. Said job must be secure

12. Must get along with his family

13. Must get along with my family

14. Must want A family

15. Must be able to hold a conversation

16. Must be able to debate

17. Must be able to communicate

18. Must love dogs

19. Must be honest

20. Must be loyal

21. Must love Disney

22. Must be romantic

23. Must be well read

24. Must be willing to read

25. Must be quirky

26. Must speak at least 2 languag

27. Must be unfuckingbelievable

28. Must have great hair

29. Must appreciate ALL music

30. Must have expressive eyebrows

31. Must look like or at the least resemble in anyway the following actors

Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt, John Cusack, Josh Peck, Steve Brundage, Iwan Rheon, Billy Boyd, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Justin Long, Jay Baruchel, Bill Hader, Richard Gene or Patrick Swayze

You Can’t Make This S#%! Up

A hilarious and real story that could only happen to one of my dearest friend. So without further ado and in her own words…I give you, Arboria- 

I was in Atlanta this week for work.  I stayed at my usual hotel near the office.  Generally I don’t see very many people around,  but it was pretty hoping with a group of gentlemen that liked to hang out in the bed of their pickup trucks or out in front of the hotel this week.  Seemed wierd, but whatever.  On Monday I arrived and for ease of travel (and Pokémon hunting) I was wearing capre yoga pants and a tight-ish tank top that showed off my figure.  I was walking around the hotel parking lot looking for Pokémon that evening and I noticed one of the guys sitting on the curb in the parking lot starring at his phone. I did a walk by to see if he was playing Pokemon.  He wasn’t so I kept waking.   NBD, but when I was back upstairs later that night walking the hall (ok, hunting more Pokémon) he showed up and sparked up a conversation.  He told me he was watching welding videos and we had a quick exchange before he went into his room (right across the hall from me).  

I thought that was the ends of it,  but when I got back to the hotel the next night he was there and we chatted a little more.  I was getting a weird vibe so I cut the small talk sort and headed into my room.  

Next night, I get back to the hotel and he’s out front in a group of his buddies chatting with them.  I gave him a smile and said hi and went to the elevators. He must have jogged to catch up with me and when we got in the elevator he said.  “Are you single, I was gonna ask if you wanted to get a drink?”  Ah,  wierd vibe ID’d; he was just really bad at flirting.   I told him I was married but I’d chat with him later if he wanted to hang out.  Asked if he wanted to hang out in the hotel lobby the next night (safe place with staff on duty at all times just in case! Also meant I knew where to go for help if things got weird).  He said he had plans for that night and he was flying home the following day,  as was I.  Anyway,  I went back to my room, he went to his, but about an hour later I get a knock on my door.  It was him asking what I was up to, and if I wanted to go downstairs then.   I must have looked flustered or out of it.  I said I was working on something,  but I’d finish up.  He changed his mind and said let’s do it tomorrow (he must have changed his plans,  yikes,  getting creepy!)  We both go back to our rooms.  I’m wondering if his posse from downstairs was egging him on eventhough I told  him I was married.  
Next day I decided this was all too weird for me so I stayed at the office until after he’s usually no longer around the hotel.  Got back about 10p.  I stopped at the front desk and told the guy there that the gentleman across the hall had asked me out the previous day and I was a little weirded out since he knew what room I was in.  I asked him to send someone up in a few minutes of I didn’t call down.  Thankfully no encounter, guy across the hall was asleep as I guessed (i could hear him snoring!)  I called down and gave the all clear,  but I was feeling kinda bad for the guy because he really could have been just a nice guy and I didn’t want to make him feel bad about getting “stood up” so I left a little note in his door that said the boss took us all out for dinner and I didn’t get back until late,  and that I hoped I hadn’t ruined his plans for the evening.   I figured, we’ll that’s the end of it, I never see him in the morning, so I’d be safe and hopefully I hadn’t hurt his feelings. He really did seem like a nice guy.  He never even told me his name and I didn’t tell him mine.

I got up, had breakfast at the hotel and left and didn’t see him again.  Did all my normal leaving Atlanta stuff,  returned the car,  took the train to the terminal, hunted some Pokémon (i have a problem!), grabbed a sandwich for on the plane, went to my gate, got ready to board the plane,  turned to ask the random stranger next to me what group they had just called because I wasnt paying attention, and…………………….. ladies! It was the guy from the hotel!  I shit you not,  the freakin guy staying across from me in the hotel, the one that asked me out.   In all of the thousands of people in the Atlanta airport,  I asked THAT guy what group was called for my flight,  the flight he was boarding…..my brain:  holy shit, is he a stalker, how the fuck did he find out what plane I was on.  I never gave him my name,  did he have cameras in my room, did he hack my phone or my computer,  is he buddy, buddy with hotel staff since he’s staying there for an extended period of time, did they give him my name.  OMG, who do I call,  WTF am I going to do (logical brain me slaps paranoid brain me across the face and takes control of the situation) see that look on his face, he didn’t recognize you at first,  really, truly,  didn’t have any idea who you were.  Shut up paranoid brain, you’re an idiot!…so I talk to him for a little while because it would be obviously very rude not to and there are tons of people around, and truthfully he’s probably just a really nice guy and I’m being a paranoid idiot.  He said he got my note and said he was going to ask if I wanted to go for a walk cause he knew I was playing that game (Pokémon) , I had it on so I showed him a few things,  but he didn’t seem interested at all,  so I stopped…(seriously if he is really that sweet and thoughtful I hope he finds a great girl). We chatted about our seating assignment…I’m in row 13….he’s in row 12!   (Dear universe, what the hell are you trying to tell me,  I’m not getting it!)  We sit and have a bit more small talk.  He’s going to Philly,  but he has a long layover,  he’s from Westfield,  PA,  someones going to pick him up.  I tell him I’m going to my parents to get my daughter,  give him a town close by (not the actual town, because paranoid brain still gets some say in this interaction and he’s probably the first person I didn’t try to show pictures of Kitten to…don’t want him to know what my kid looks like if he’s a stalker!)  Funny thing about the town I picked,  that’s where the company he works for is headquartered  (Really universe, REALLY! Am I supposed to run away with this random stranger or something?)  

The lady in row 12 sits down and he starts talking to her.  While he’s distracted I snap a quick picture and sent it to a friend who knows what’s going on in case he tries to grab me from the airport or something (paranoid brain never shuts up!)  I start eating my lunch, he turns around to ask how I’m doing, sees I’m  eating and goes back to talking to row 12 lady.  Once we’re at cruising altitude I grab my laptop to do some work I’ve been neglecting all trip in favor of Pokémon hunting.  I see him look back a few times,  but I really do need to work,  so I pretend not to notice.  

The plane lands, he says have a nice trip and he’s gone….I still don’t know his name! 
So that was my week,  how was yours?!

I’m Feeling 33!!!

Looks like we made it. And by we I mean me. I have realized that I talk about myself in the plural. I have been doing it for quite a while now, it was normal because I was always talking about the kids and I usually had a partner to speak of. Now…not so much, but still when it comes to the kids I talk about what we do, what decisions we have made…and by we I mean me. I suppose it works the I am Mommy and Daddy, I make all the decisions that both parents would make on a daily basis and I do think that Supermom deserves the title of the universal WE.

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So today…33…thats FUCKING AWESOME! I am totally stoked to be 33. And there are a few reasons why. More than a few reasons, but the reasons I choose to talk about most are this. 33 is an AWESOME number. It is my favorite number twice in a row, there has to be something to that. 32 was a helluvah year, happy and sad, the longest year of my life and now…it’s over. I have taken the steps, done the therapy, cleaned out the closets, breathed deeply, talked it over, thought it out and as a good friend of mine, named Pumba, told me “put my behind in the past”. I have taken everything that has happened and observed it and let it go, floating on some fucking leaf like they told me to and waved goodbye to it. Will I have memories, sure but you know what, I am free of the burden they carry now. 33 marks a turning point in my life. Also, as per my cards being read, 33 is going to be a great year as long as I trust in those around me, continue to do great things and don’t let the past get me down. So there you have it.

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So far, since I have gotten up this morning, I have been reminded of how much I am loved by those people in my life. I have gotten ready for my best friends wedding at the end of the week. I have had the most amazing food with my amazing family. I have been sung to by people that made my heart smile. My kids have astonished me with thier intelligence, love and humor. I have seen a movie that tickled me in a way I haven’t been in forever and I got to share it with a whole new generation.

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33 kicked off quite magically, the days to come may not be easy, they may cause heartache or pain but you know what? I will get through them, I will make it. I am strong and THIS is MY year!

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Two Weeks. Two Lives. Two Masks.

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I wear two masks constantly. Day in and day out and I only take them off to breathe when the chance arises. That chance isn’t often and when I can breathe it isn’t pretty, relaxing or fun. I have a public mask you see. For the day to day, a super mom personal to keep up with the masses, the strangers, the parents at school and those who only seem me through a porthole in the side of my life boat.

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Then there is the mask in private. The one who play her cards close but wears her heart on her sleeve. This mask is thinner, more translucent, closer to me. But I hold things behind it very few can see. I’ve only let a few see me with out it.

I’ve come to realization that under these masks I’m lost. The sight isn’t pretty, there are tear stained cheeks. There’s a girl who wants everyone to be happy. There’s a girl that needs to be reassured she is loved.

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The past two weeks were rough. Masks ripped off. Sea salt scrubbed in the woulds. I Thought Of Self garm. I would never do it because of my sprites but I just wanted to hear that people still wanted ME around. Not the kids but ME. That’s all I wanted to hear.

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As the weeks of pain and heart break subsided I felt better. Be it my meds, my therapy ir just thinking it through I’m done with my masks. I wish I had a sledgehammer to break them.

I’m tired of hiding me. I’m tired of my two seperate lives. I’ve given up the drama and negativity. I am cleansing everything because what I’m building is fragile and takes time. But it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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Mother’s Day

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“Mama, I made you breakfast!”

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Bleary eyed and very aware of a strong scent of ranch dressing I glance at my cell phone. It’s 7:03am…My sprite has made me a cheesy ranch wrap for breakfast. I hug him with all my might, trade him for a granola bar, glass of milk and tell him I’ll eat it for lunch. Then we snuggle with the Pixie who is still half asleep perpendicular to me. I don’t know how he wriggled his way from between us but he did.

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The day commences with a nap, a gorgeous plant, who is affectionately named Spengler, who I am NOT allowed to take care of because and I quote “You are a danger to nature”.

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Gorgeous pictures, cards and a teeny book all made by the Pixie. Then out the door we go.

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We wave to all the people waiting for the Mother’s Day trucks on the side of the highway, feeling like stars, and head into see Civil War. HOLY FUCK IT’S AMAZING!!!! Pixie fell asleep towards the end but the Sprite and I must see it again. Then it’s home again.

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Some downtime, Once Upon a Time, bedtime, Game of Thrones and here we are. There were tears shed. Tears for those I lost and missed  tears for those that usually call but didn’t and tears because the Three Musketeers all felt like a piece of their family was missing today. But we survived it and the day was so very special.

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I hope you all had a sparkly Mother’s Day

Shaye
Xoxo

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Where were you? (14 years ago)

It’s almost 14 years ago, my first time. I was scared and it was dark. I had been given a tour but I still didn’t know what the hell I was doing. A virginal experience, great…and I was on my own. I could tell this was going to be unlike anything I had done before. I heard a noise in the dark…I began to run; little did I know that noise in the dark, the path I started running on would lead me to where I am today.

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That first night of my very first LARP would lead me to find out what the bond of family meant, how friendships can stand the test of time, what loving with your whole heart feels like and how home isn’t where you rest your head but where your soul feels the safest. I also learned how power can corrupt, what a real bad guy really is, how drama is never really left in high school and how believing what everyone says can not only hurt you but hurt those around you.

I sit here watching the rain almost 14 years later, marveling at how life has changed. Back then life was about having fun, raising hell, flirting, messy relationships and being too naive to realize how much people cared and how drama would follow you for years to come. It was before kids, marriage, illness. Before real responsibility and life really set in. I was so innocent minded, naive hearted and optimistic. I thought life was so hard. I was a gypsy soul with a faerie spirit. There were only two things I knew for sure…That I knew who would be around for the rest of my life and that I had fallen in love hard with someone who would change my world forever (even though I hadn’t told him).

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Now those people who I called family only see each other at funerals and promise to see each other more often. We’ve drifted apart and we try to stick together when we can but we know IF we are NEEDED we show up en mass. There are people that have drifted away to find their own new adventures. There has been marriage and divorce, lots of little ones along the way. Drama has dwindled although give us too many bottles of wine and we will bring it up and laugh about it now.

I listen to my sprites chatter away as they are falling asleep and I smile because so much of my life has changed. I have planted roots in a place I never thought I would. I have lived in more places than I ever thought I would and I am in school to help others in ways I should have been helped as a teenager. I spend my days running to appointments for the countless things that are broken with my body and my nights editing for independent authors, writing in at least one of my novels and doing schoolwork.

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I have bills and I can drive a car. I know what real life and responsibility are. I know why I can’t just move with a change in the winds. Life has taken me on a hard path and I have stumbled and fallen so many times I can’t even tell you how many scars I have but I keep moving forward. My mind isn’t innocent anymore but my heart is still pure and loving and I can still be way too optimistic for maybe anybody’s good. I’ve been told I should be jaded but I can’t be. I’ve been told I am a lot stronger than I was but I don’t see it. I guess I am glad other people can see it in me. Life is still sometimes flirty and full of raising hell (and by hell I mean the sprites of course). Messy relationships are still happening every so often but by now I know when to walk away.

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I still have that person who I knew would remain in my life forever. I have found ou that if you’re good friends with someone for over 7 years you will be friends with them forever. Thinking about my closest friends, I met the ones that are there and have been there through all the ups and downs of life through nights int he woods. We still share the laughter and tears, the inside jokes, the secrets and the boozy nights of going “why did we think our shit was that hard?!?!???”. That guy that I felt hard in love with, I still am and I don’t know how not to be, he knows now though. Although he is not in my life in the capacity I wish he was, he is in my life and I know he always will be, that is the stuff that matters.

Life changes around you all the time, 14 years ago I found the place I needed to start finding the path to my destiny. To the woman, I was to become. Be it in Avalon or Ravenna, I always knew that I had family, laughter and a place to escape for a while when life got to be too much. For that I am thankful

Sparkles

Shaye

xoxo

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Mother’s Day Approaches

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Mother’s Day….For so many years I dreamed of that day and I thought I’d never have kiddos. Because I was told I medically couldn’t. I now sit and reflect over the pass 9 years with my sprites and think about how lucky I am.

I am lucky they are healthy and happy, they are intelligent and witty, they are pure souls with kind hearts and gentle spirits. I am lucky they are compassionate and capable. That they love to learn and laugh and that each day they teach me more about myself.

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I think about my angels in heaven. My two girls who curled up next to my heart instead of in my arms. How I was given a chance to carry them inside me for as long as I did and when the day comes what hugs they will give me. How they are forever protecting and watching over us as we go through this life without them.

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As Mother’s Day Approaches I think about no matter how much the three of us have been through, we have always made it out for the better. How the Three Musketeers can take on the world. How being a single Mom has brought me to where I am today. It has given me the gift of learning not only how to be a Mommy but how to be their best friend. A bond that can never be broken.

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As Mother’s Day approaches, I have a slight twinge of sadness, for the only person who my kids see as their Daddy is not here. How last year I knew what it was like to be surrounded by a whole and complete family. How last year I was woken with kisses and my sprites had someone to help them pick out exactly what they wanted to get me. How there were sweet words and arms to curl up in at night. How we didn’t know it yet but there was another life growing in my belly.

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People have asked me what I want for Mother’s Day, and this is what I’ve said:
I want to be surrounded by my family
I want to be smothered in love
I want sweet kisses
I want sweet words
I want cuddles and snuggles
I want a day of love

If you ask me what thing I want that have a monetary value, my list is short and not needed, but here it is:
I want cards
I want a Wicket
I want to see Civil War
I want a new pair of sneakers

Those are not necessities. They are not what Mother’s Day is about.

This Mother’s Day I will still be surrounded by my family. My wonderful sprites with their laughter and kisses. And I will spend the day with their love.  I will spend the day cherishing that I have been able to be a Mom. And I will spend the day sending sparkle thoughts to those out there who are, will be and are even in the simplest sense Mother’s to those around them.

Sparkle sparkle
Shaye
Xoxo

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5 hours of bliss

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We didn’t have long
We never do
We didn’t waste any time
But no time had past
We spent 5 hours in Wonderland
The alarm at 1109 told me so
We talked about everything and nothing
Without awkward silences
We laughed about the then and the now
Without abandon or judgement
We ate amazingly cooked food
That you prepared
We stayed up playing boardgames
Laughing and joking and just being
We curled up and watched a movie
I fell asleep with my head on your chest

5 hours of bliss
No masks
No hiding
No stress
No worries
Just me
And you accept that
Like you always have

Now I may have to find your roomie and beat him down because I am so sick.

Sparkle thoughts

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A beautiful dream

It’s 4:22am and I just awoke from a beautiful dream. It took me a long time to fall asleep because my body did not want to shut itself down tonight at all. In fact, THE fact that I am typin this instead of moving foward in the dream is a fact that my body just doesn’t want me to rest tonight. Now the reason this dream was so beautiful was because of it’s clarity, it;s wholeness and it’s honesty. It made me feel alive an that is a stupendous feeling.

I was in the bleachers after a game and everyone was there ribbing on a friend of ours. He called me over and he was drenched in sweat from the game. He gave me the biggest smile as he pulled me onto his lap and gently laced his fingers through mine. He looked me in the eyes and said

“Shaina we have known each other a long time now, right”

I merely noded, not knowing where this conversation was going. as his other hand danced across my wait pulling me tighter on his lap he shifted so he was looking into my eyes and said

“I want you to come with me to the banquet tonight, as my date, maybe it’s time to give us a try”.

Gobsmacked I merely nodded and he laughed and kissed me on the forehead telling me something about going to the locker room so he could shower and feel human again. He showed up at my door at precicely 7:15pm

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