Category Archives: First time

The Answer You Didn’t Want


You sat there in the chair shifting. The cushion was not comfortable but it wasn’t the worst you’d ever deal with. You waited as the papers shuffled on the desk and he turned to face you. Quietly the little boy with the big brown eyes was playing with the blocks. The noises made the silence worse. Shuffle shuffle, click click, unidentified sounds from that beautiful boy. Finally he turned, you dug your fingers into your legs to keep from shaking. You already knew the answer but you needed to hear it from someone who could tell you that you weren’t crazy. He had a PhD, he knew crazy.  Autism, Aspergers to be exact. Along with Sensory Processing Disorder and anxiety. You lips pressed together so you don’t cry. You knew what they were going to say, but hearing it was a slap in the face. But 4 years later you’re still ok.

Tap, tap, tap….fancy pen on a fancy leather shoe. Your under a microscope. He won’t tell you what’s wrong. Claims he doesn’t know. But you already heard the answer, because you’ve been living with it for years. But you needed to hear him say it. Say that you were bipolar and borderline. And he refused. So you broke his mug. And when you were finally ready to hear the answer, it was still a stinging mark across your face, because it wasn’t supposed to be right. 3 years later, you’re still alive.

Over and over this happens. It feels good and bad at the same time. Vindicated but what the fuck are you supposed to do now?

Now…When you need answers. When the bloods come back highly abnormal, you get nervous. And it’s not nervous that they will find something but more nervous that they wont. You are tired, swollen and drained. So they had scheduled another test. And you pray something pops up. Because in all your years …Nothing has. It’s hard to fight an invisible disease when you can’t find it. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. So you hope they find something. So that you won’t  have to suffer without reasons…

But you realize in this moment that this may be the one answer that you don’t want to have already answered.

Food for thought
Shaye xoxo




They say that old habits die hard. And that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I bought into these theories until I realized that…Well they weren’t true.


Thinking about it now, it’s 6am-ish, the whole house is sleeping except me. I went to bed around 2am. I am, for the most part, alert and able to function semi normally. On 4 hours of sleep, which if I looked at my fitbit app would probably tell most of it was restless, I am of sound mind and body to do things normal people do at normal times.(ie. Pick up meds, head to work, go for a jog). But if I were to lay my head down right now and fall back asleep, if I woke with Charming ‘ alarm in an hour, I would not be able to function for quite a few.

Now that I’ve gotten through that train of thought let’s try another one, shall we? The whole point of this blog was to get me on the path to actually putting out my book, now granted I have  started 4 different projects, came up with a bunch of creative ventures I think would be write up my ally, I still struggle with this book thing. And I think it had all to do with my habits.


I love to start projects, but if I can’t see where they are going I can’t finish them,  for example I wrote a piece on depression I want to submit to elephant journal. I got some great tips from a gal who writes for them. Incorporated those changes in my brain (and may or may not have stick a quote from Cool Runnings in there) but have not physically changed it yet. I have a list of topics I would love to share but I just…haven’t gotten there. I finally found my muse with a story I believe in, one written in a notebook with a pencil but because of winter break and dealing with life…it’s sat at my tea table of writingness for days pouting at me.

Now, I can sit here and tell you I’m lazy and most people would agree that i have that streak. But others, ones that knoe me best will tell you I’m habitually scattered, derailed, manic even. Some will say it’s the depression and I will tell you it’s all of the above. But I’ll fill you in on something else. I am habitually the Cowardly Lion that lives in Oz. More often then not I don’t think I can do it as well or better that I should.


And a narcissist being a coward is more common than you think. Which brings me to my next point. I am NOT a habitual narcissist. I happen to be one everyday. It’s weird and screwed up and I have tons of things I will ok one day write about it, but just know that all you think or read about someone with that diagnosis isn’t always all true…and it fucking hurts.

I habitually hurt people and I don’t mean to. I’d blame the borderline, but Marcia Linehan would say that’s not very dialect of me….and for all you BPD out there that found that funny…you’re welcome.


This post took itself in places I am not sure I was going for, but it’s 650am and Charming has an alarm that will go off soon enough. I get to spend the day with the Yang to my Grey and the Pixie.

The great part is I get to just be me. No hiding, no mask, just me. But I have to leave the house….I don’t like doing that anymore….and that’s a habit I need to break.

Till next time lovelies

Facebook –


Contemplation of well…Everything

“The world keeps spinning, and the tales keep turning, and people come and people go, but they’re never forgotten. And the one truth we know, it held true one more time… That love, true love, the really, really good kind of love never dies.” – The Book of Life


I am lucky, lucky that I have kids that let me see movies through their eyes. One child who has the eyes of faerie light, magic and wonderment no matter what the movie is. She keeps my heart light and my mind creative. One child who has a mind that never stops, figuring things out before they happen. He keeps me on my toes with ideas and my mind sharp.

We have more than once watched this movie and every time, we have found something new to love about it, whether is be the details on the guitar to a new quote, it is such a well-done movie. Today I woke up towards the end. My self-sufficient kids let me sleep in as I have not been feeling great these days. I couldn’t find the quote I was looking for to start this entry with but this one seems to work just as well.

I have had a lot of thoughts lately, thoughts I can’t describe because I can’t understand them myself. It goes from high to low so quickly I feel like I am doing every single dance you can think of that my brain has sorted itself out. I know one thing that has crossed my mind, It is a sad and happy thought. It seems that ever since I miscarried all of my friends have gotten pregnant, my friends and my family (the ones that I am close to at least). And I am happy for them, I swear it, but it hurts. It’s the really good love, but no one says that really good love doesn’t hurt some of the time.


I wish I Knew what was holding me back from doing things that made me happy but I don’t. Charming says its depression, which it probably is. But there is something else, I look at myself and just want to give up. I hink about a year ago and I was self-confident 100 pounds lighter and happy with myself. And now I have a wonderful man, two glorious children, two classes to go to a diploma and I just lost myself somewhere.

I am filled with that really good love, and I know I am surrounded by it, but I lost myself somewhere. Somewhere in between stretching to help everyone else and losing focus on my own goals.

I started writing my books, but I have nothing to say, the characters went quiet. I started taking pictures but I have no urge. I just feel lost. I want to grasp onto  that really good love and let it fill me up…but for some reason I still tell myself I don’t deserve it.

Love how this post went from happy to sad.

with that I will stop talking



We Have Apples

So there is this wonderful mental illness blog that I follow by Rachel Griffin called We Have Apples. A little bit ago she had put up a post asking for pictures, both uplifting and at our times of trouble to put in a music video for a project she is doing. Let me give it to yo in her own words (it pasting it from her site)

“As a lot of you know, I’m a singer/songwriter in New York City with a fabulous life…. and a mental illness! (the two can go together! And errr.. it wasn’t always that way! LOL) I am so passionate about mental health awareness, ending the stigma, and connecting with other warriors like you! I am also writing a musical about these topics.More about the mental health musical I’m writing, We Have Apples, can be found on the website. You can also hear songs there. (But the song for this video is not released, yet- You’ll be the first to hear it, though!) If you want, you can sign up for the show’s mailing list to be kept posted on the development!:)

I was just selected as a Dramatists Guild Fellow, which means this year I will be working on developing We Have Apples with Broadway professionals!

More about my career as a singer/songwriter at: Rachel Griffin Website. This info I’m giving is not because I want to brag, but I want to tell you a little about my career so you know this song and video we are going to make will be high quality and could do very well! 🙂 I’ve won two National songwriting contests, recently wrote a song for an internal Macy’s campaign, and I have a publishing deal for a few of my pop songs.”

Well I participated in this as mental health is a very important subject to me….Obviously. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will get to work it Rachel in the future. But here it is…..My debut in a music video….Pass and share it is so important!!!!

It’s D&D!!!!

Fighting with the legends of yore!!!!! -Stephen Lynch


That’s right, Saturday night D&D…it hasn’t become thing yet but it is becoming a thing. Hopefully it will be becoming a thing. Because I need a thing, to get me out of this funk.

This funk is getting me down, and I down want to be down. I don’t want to be manic either.


I just want to be……

So maybe a night of being someone else will help… and then tomorrow

I’ll go back to being me, and maybe giving to urgi because I maybe getting bronchitis or laryngitis….or an ear infection….

And tomorrow…I’m going to write that article…..I swear….at least I think I do….

Signing off as Shaye
And on as Alexandria….or am I


Tonight I am Authoring (and Editing)


Tonight I sent out a survey to people because I needed to know that they were important to me. I wanted them to know they have a place in my heart my music and my stories. I am also gleaning information from them as I go, for playlists and other things. I asked a few simple questions and I am actually semi nervous of the responses. Here was my tiny survey…


Alright so here is the scoop. I am in the process of writing 3 books.

The reason I am messaging you is because you were an important turning point in my life. Whether we were friends with so much tension you could cut it with a knife, lovers, in love, in a relationship or something else…You touched and changed my life in a very big way.

I am not asking to use your name in a book, I am just asking a few questions that would help me shape some of the stories, name some of the chapters and really get a sense of what the other half thought of what we had.

So here we go..

If you had to pick a song that describes what went on between us what would it be and why (artist and title please so I can put it on a playlist for inspiration)

If you had to pick a song that reminds you of me what would it be and why? (artist and title please)

Favorite memory of us non sexual(you can totally do a sexual too if you want)

What do you think brought us together?

Did I make a significant change in your life?

Anything else you would like to add?


We will see what they have to say, in the meantime I am editing one of my FAVE author’s new WIP’s and wanting to hop in a plane and hit her with pickles because she touches my heart. I am also learning about becoming a Shakeology coach and kinda paying attention to America’s got Talent.


Charming is in the ER for his back and I am not asleep and I am trying to sta that way. I want to write but I need music. Inspiration. A muse. Whom I had earlier but got lost somewhere between therapy and kids not wanting to sleep. So here is a bunch of pictures for inspiration and if you have anything to say go for it.


I would Love to hear what you want to read about. What would YOU like a book to say?





Trigger Warnings, Sex and all that other Fun Jazz

There are a lot of blogs out there that have a disclaimer up that you have to be above the age of legal consent (18) to read it. I don’t believe in warnings like that i want this blog to be able to be read by anyone and everyone that wants to. I have a lot of information on it that I wish I had an older sister to tell me as I was growing up, or eve a therapist. But I didn’t so here is the score my loves. I am going to try and moderate as best as I can but I ask you to use your discretion when it comes to reading.


Trigger Warnings –

Occasionally you will see this writen at the top of the post. The means in no way shape or form, if you have things that trigger a bad mental health state, PTSD or anything of the like you probably should not read what it says. Believe the warning. They can cover anything from suicide to teen pregnant, self harm to suicidal ideation, cutting to eating disorders, bipolarity to borderline. Rape to other forms of sexual PTSD.

PLEASE!! If any of these thing trigger you please don’t read these posts, and if you feel the urge to then talk to someone else about them after words, even me, I would happily expand on my thoughts feeling and anything else. I truly believe that people are meant to read the truth when they are ready to hand it.


Sex –

I have Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Tendencies. Sex will be a big part of my blog, in fact I am starting a whole page based off a book i am currently writing about sex. I am looking for contributors always and those who have different vices that their borderline brings out in them. Sex and sexual encounters is mine. I started writing a book about my encounters long ago. So a lot of my vice is in there, but all of my ultimate intimate stuff with be on a separate tab.


Fun Jazz-

I realize when I started to write this post, I was heavily medicated from a dental procedure and I tried to reread it…but alas could not. I will be writing about my past my present and my future. I will be turning around and going into clinical definitions of diagnosis and therapies. I will be including some of my fictional works, works from contributors and places to reach out for help should you need it.


Also there is a tab of stuff that I have wrote from my past, some of it goes back as far as elementary and middle school, some of it as new as last year. I would be honored if you read it and let me know what you thought.


This blog has become a place of refuge for me. A place that I can finally start my book, let the world know what I am thinking and reach out and help the people out there that don’t believe they deserve help, or don’t know where to get it.

Sparkle thoughts,




Red Candle…White Rug…A tale of underage drinking and losing one’s virginity


If it hadn’t been for that candle maybe we wouldn’t have drank that much, If we hadn’t had drank that much maybe we wouldn’t have knocked over that candle. Maybe that candle shouldn’t haven’t been lit in the first place. I am pretty sure that it was lit before we got there though. And that none of us knocked it over. I was preoccupied with you. You singing in the shower, while reaching your hand out for shots of raspberry vodka in those tiny Dixie cups used for rinsing your mouth. Every time our hands touched it was electric. Every time your eyes met mine I knew you wanted me to join you, but I just couldn’t, I wasn’t that kinda girl. I wanted to be but I didn’t know how. And you were so gorgeous. Now as the candles burn low on your 33rd birthday, your big sparkly celebration in heaven I realize it doesn’t matter anymore. I just wish I had been brave enough to kiss you on the mouth before that candle spilled and our night turned upside down. But as Lucas said in Empire Records “I don’t regret the thing I’ve done, but those I did not due”.


I was 18 I think that year that I met you. I knew Bastion for so much longer than that, having a huge crush on his when we went to Rocky, Zero and I putting up with my hopeless crush because well I think he has a crush too. That was the great thing about having a bisexual boyfriend. Bastion had been with me through everything when we finally got close, he got me into the RKO army, I dealt with his CRAZY ex-girlfriend, he held me as I cried when we thought my uncle wasn’t going to survive his heart attack and of course there was the fact that he learned that he was too big for everyone to deep throat except me….Nyquil Bastion Nyquil. That year I spent over a thousand dollars on his for Christmas, I was so head over for him and we hadn’t even kissed, maybe petted a little and there were the blowjobs….but you know, I was just making sure he was ok (poor baby was always so sick and high on Nyquil. It makes a dandy eggnog; ^P)

Bastion always told me about the girl he loved, how they met or dated in the 8th grade, I am kinda fuzzy on the details but how it didn’t work out and she lived so far away now. He was so in love with her, I remember it drove his ex crazy. He spoke of her with this light in his eyes, this waver in her voice and told me that next time I came I would get to meet her because you know NEW YEARS! Zero and I took the trip up for New Years. The wrestlers were there, the couple we crushed on and this red head in a purple coat.  It was kinda fuzzy and out of place but it worked on her. She was gorgeous. Her hair was literally the color of fire, reds and oranges and blonds and her skin was so fair. She had these eyes that could pierce through any mask you put up and her smile, well it could me glaciers. She was a true embodiment of a pixie. She had some piercings, but they just belonged there, like metal had fused to her skin at birth and grew along with her. She was a terrible ethereal beauty. And of course it was Bastions Kat.


After we went to Denny’s and she charmed everyone including the rowdy drunk guys in the back of the restaurant we drove her home and spent the night. We played dress up and wrestled and slept on the floor and on couches. We talked till all hours and I couldn’t tell you why but it was just home. I didn’t see her again until New Years.


We were all going to Bastions house but Zero said he was going to be the DD and so she showed up at the house I was staying at after everyone left to shower before we left. She stripped to her panties, handed me a bottle of raspberry vodka and beckoned me to join her in the bathroom. We talked as I sat on the sink, and when shot for shot out of those little paper Dixie cups. She kept asking me to join her but even after two heavy handed screw drivers and god knows how many shots, I was still too shy about everything…..Not shy enough to not watch her towel off and get dressed however ;^D

In our New Year’s finest we headed off to Bastions where his house was empty and his carpets were still terribly white and proceeded to drink so much more. 3 couples, talking about wrestling and sex and being slightly naughty. As the ball dropped we all took a shot of Goldshloggers I made the decision that everyone had to kiss everyone else, which to the luck of my very raging hormones they did….heh….Zero and Bastion went upstairs to play video games and Kat, I and the couple were doing….I don’t even remember….The rest of the night is fuzzy…piecing together what we did remember and what we were told, Kat took my hand and pulled me up the stairs, kicked the boys out of the room and proceeded to show me exactly why women know exactly what women want. I remember the curve of her skin and the taste of her metal. I remember her fingernails digging into my back and the way her mouth her my attention. The guys broke into the room who knows how much later to find us naked and intertwined.


I vaguely remember them dressing us and then I remember porcelain. I remember her in one room and me in another. I remember trying to get to the bathroom and walking in on Zero cheating on me. I remember being on Bastions bed with Kat, a bowl on each of our laps and a towel and his arms around both of us and us vomiting all over him. Then I remember yelling. Red candle on a white rug, the cat was blamed, we were thrown out. The least drunk people drove so slowly to JB’s house. The girl that Zero cheated on me with. Her mom took us all in, filled up water bottles. Bastion Kat and I were tucked into a bed together. Bastion holding both of us tight as the alcohol poisoning was slowly dehydration our bodies. There was a round the clock watch on us. Stuff animals were sacrificed in the process.

The morning came and went and we all parted ways. We stayed in touch, but I never saw her again. I remember her voice on the phone kept me smiling. And she tried so hard to visit when she could but something always happened when she tried *her car literally nosedived every time she tried to drive to us). I always got a message from her when I thought she had forgotten about me. And she always knew just when I needed her, even if we hadn’t spoken in over a year. And then…..She was gone. 2008 I got a call from Bastion…Kat was gone, from a disease very few knew she had. She had gone in her sleep, peacefully (or at least I hope). I kicked myself for not trying harder to get to her. To know her. To be with her. But the memories I have I treasure, the precious few.


She gave me something that night, she gave me permission to be myself. She gave me permission to love with a part of me I never knew. She gave me part of her heart. And for that I will always be thankful.

Happy Birthday my sweet Katie Kat

I love you eternal