If it hadn’t been for that candle maybe we wouldn’t have drank that much, If we hadn’t had drank that much maybe we wouldn’t have knocked over that candle. Maybe that candle shouldn’t haven’t been lit in the first place. I am pretty sure that it was lit before we got there though. And that none of us knocked it over. I was preoccupied with you. You singing in the shower, while reaching your hand out for shots of raspberry vodka in those tiny Dixie cups used for rinsing your mouth. Every time our hands touched it was electric. Every time your eyes met mine I knew you wanted me to join you, but I just couldn’t, I wasn’t that kinda girl. I wanted to be but I didn’t know how. And you were so gorgeous. Now as the candles burn low on your 33rd birthday, your big sparkly celebration in heaven I realize it doesn’t matter anymore. I just wish I had been brave enough to kiss you on the mouth before that candle spilled and our night turned upside down. But as Lucas said in Empire Records “I don’t regret the thing I’ve done, but those I did not due”.
I was 18 I think that year that I met you. I knew Bastion for so much longer than that, having a huge crush on his when we went to Rocky, Zero and I putting up with my hopeless crush because well I think he has a crush too. That was the great thing about having a bisexual boyfriend. Bastion had been with me through everything when we finally got close, he got me into the RKO army, I dealt with his CRAZY ex-girlfriend, he held me as I cried when we thought my uncle wasn’t going to survive his heart attack and of course there was the fact that he learned that he was too big for everyone to deep throat except me….Nyquil Bastion Nyquil. That year I spent over a thousand dollars on his for Christmas, I was so head over for him and we hadn’t even kissed, maybe petted a little and there were the blowjobs….but you know, I was just making sure he was ok (poor baby was always so sick and high on Nyquil. It makes a dandy eggnog; ^P)
Bastion always told me about the girl he loved, how they met or dated in the 8th grade, I am kinda fuzzy on the details but how it didn’t work out and she lived so far away now. He was so in love with her, I remember it drove his ex crazy. He spoke of her with this light in his eyes, this waver in her voice and told me that next time I came I would get to meet her because you know NEW YEARS! Zero and I took the trip up for New Years. The wrestlers were there, the couple we crushed on and this red head in a purple coat. It was kinda fuzzy and out of place but it worked on her. She was gorgeous. Her hair was literally the color of fire, reds and oranges and blonds and her skin was so fair. She had these eyes that could pierce through any mask you put up and her smile, well it could me glaciers. She was a true embodiment of a pixie. She had some piercings, but they just belonged there, like metal had fused to her skin at birth and grew along with her. She was a terrible ethereal beauty. And of course it was Bastions Kat.
After we went to Denny’s and she charmed everyone including the rowdy drunk guys in the back of the restaurant we drove her home and spent the night. We played dress up and wrestled and slept on the floor and on couches. We talked till all hours and I couldn’t tell you why but it was just home. I didn’t see her again until New Years.
We were all going to Bastions house but Zero said he was going to be the DD and so she showed up at the house I was staying at after everyone left to shower before we left. She stripped to her panties, handed me a bottle of raspberry vodka and beckoned me to join her in the bathroom. We talked as I sat on the sink, and when shot for shot out of those little paper Dixie cups. She kept asking me to join her but even after two heavy handed screw drivers and god knows how many shots, I was still too shy about everything…..Not shy enough to not watch her towel off and get dressed however ;^D
In our New Year’s finest we headed off to Bastions where his house was empty and his carpets were still terribly white and proceeded to drink so much more. 3 couples, talking about wrestling and sex and being slightly naughty. As the ball dropped we all took a shot of Goldshloggers I made the decision that everyone had to kiss everyone else, which to the luck of my very raging hormones they did….heh….Zero and Bastion went upstairs to play video games and Kat, I and the couple were doing….I don’t even remember….The rest of the night is fuzzy…piecing together what we did remember and what we were told, Kat took my hand and pulled me up the stairs, kicked the boys out of the room and proceeded to show me exactly why women know exactly what women want. I remember the curve of her skin and the taste of her metal. I remember her fingernails digging into my back and the way her mouth her my attention. The guys broke into the room who knows how much later to find us naked and intertwined.
I vaguely remember them dressing us and then I remember porcelain. I remember her in one room and me in another. I remember trying to get to the bathroom and walking in on Zero cheating on me. I remember being on Bastions bed with Kat, a bowl on each of our laps and a towel and his arms around both of us and us vomiting all over him. Then I remember yelling. Red candle on a white rug, the cat was blamed, we were thrown out. The least drunk people drove so slowly to JB’s house. The girl that Zero cheated on me with. Her mom took us all in, filled up water bottles. Bastion Kat and I were tucked into a bed together. Bastion holding both of us tight as the alcohol poisoning was slowly dehydration our bodies. There was a round the clock watch on us. Stuff animals were sacrificed in the process.
The morning came and went and we all parted ways. We stayed in touch, but I never saw her again. I remember her voice on the phone kept me smiling. And she tried so hard to visit when she could but something always happened when she tried *her car literally nosedived every time she tried to drive to us). I always got a message from her when I thought she had forgotten about me. And she always knew just when I needed her, even if we hadn’t spoken in over a year. And then…..She was gone. 2008 I got a call from Bastion…Kat was gone, from a disease very few knew she had. She had gone in her sleep, peacefully (or at least I hope). I kicked myself for not trying harder to get to her. To know her. To be with her. But the memories I have I treasure, the precious few.
She gave me something that night, she gave me permission to be myself. She gave me permission to love with a part of me I never knew. She gave me part of her heart. And for that I will always be thankful.
Happy Birthday my sweet Katie Kat
I love you eternal