Category Archives: Family

Day 5 – Love Your Life in 30 Days 

Here we are at day 5. Both kids and I are sick as dogs. We’ve spent the day on the couch, watching food network, cuddling and just trying to heal. I see stuff I have to do around the house and I have to admit I’m feeling a little defeated today. It could be the fever, the sick or the tired. Today is a visualization exercise. I have trouble with that in general but I hope that I can do it tonight when it counts so much. Wish me luck!
Day 5: Visualize – Imagine a Day in the Life You Dream of Living

Est. time: 5 minutes
Close your eyes for five minutes and imagine a typical day in the near future, once your priority areas for transformation have come to pass in the most exciting of ways (don’t worry about how such changes came to be). Imagine the sights, sounds, feelings, and conversations from such a day. Imagine how you feel when you wake up. Imagine celebrating. Imagine explaining the transformation to your friends. Imagine the sense of inner peace you will feel. Imagine where you might live. Imagine where you might vacation. Imagine what you might do for fun. Imagine what your new priorities for change will be. Imagine what your new challenges will be. Imagine all of it as if you are already living the life of your dreams.

Weighing in on 2016 (I’ve come too far to turn back now)

​​The last #facetofacefriday of the year and I am looking at how far I’ve come. 

95 pounds down in 1 year. 95 pounds!!!

Starting weight -356 pounds

Current weight – 261 pounds

Sleeved – 9/26/2016


2016 has been quite a journey for me. Earth shattering lows that I thought I couldn’t possibly survive brought me more strength than I could ever imagine. This year has been a year of self discovery, change and learning how important #selflove really is. I have learned how important it is to look inside yourself and find your #innerstrength . I have found out how important it is to have a strong support system and surround yourself with the people that really care. As much as 2016 hurt it has made me that much more empowered. I am a #strongwoman a #proud #singlemom and looking forward to taking on 2017.  


Here’s to next year. A more fabulous me than I already am. Here’s to working hard, living life and sparkle thoughts. I can do it and so can you!

#motivation #lifegoals #verticalsleevegastrectomy #vsgcommunity #vsg #sleevelife

Home alone for the holidays

​There was only a short moment of video time to light the candles on the first night of Chanukah. There were no little voices on Christmas morning. No bright eyes or happy smiles to delight in the joy that Santa brought. My soul is missing their sweet faces. My heart is aching for them. Hours after I woke up I heard them for a few brief minutes. I tried to pile on the love as they distracted lyrics told me of all the joy he brought while they were there. Over a hundred miles away. 

I try to take solace in the fact that in two days they will be back in my arms. That we will still celebrate and it is only a day we missed not the spirit of the season. But I won’t lie, it’s not the same. To spend so much time raising to wonderful, amazing children and not be able to partake in their excitement hurts to the core. To have to split their lives in two, though logical is hard. And I want them to experience both sides of their parentage. I want them to know they are loved all over. I want them to know how many lives their being alive touches. But selfishly, I want them all for myself. They are my joy, my world and the light of my life. I am so proud to be their Mama. And this holiday season, this empty home has been hard on the heart. I can’t wait for them to come home.

Gentle Words

I used my words harshly today. I didn’t mean to, it was just the way they came out. I admonished instead of explaining. I scolded instead of entertaining the idea that the meaning of what was said was misunderstood. In brought down instead of listing up. I sent him off to school with out a smile on his face and now I feel a profound sense of guilt.

As a parent I know that it is easier to jump in at any moment and criticize instead of taking the time to understand. You get caught up in what is going on that instead of reaching out and finding the child within yourself you look at it at without taking the time to break it down as if you were the child yourself. It is one of our biggest fats. It rips our children to shreds as it can tear apart their small psyches. I try to not jump onto the bandwagon but sometimes I slip, this morning was one of those times.

I find it lately, specially during this time of year I get so caught up in my own head that I forget my mood effects theirs. They want my attention and love and I am just looking for an escape from the memory of yesteryear. I have not been paying the best attention to the world around me. But they are my world. I need to pull myself out of this funk. I need to put my priorities back in line. Catch up on what counts. Write more, sleep less. Stop letting the memories burden me and really just enjoy the now. Speak gently and let those snap judgements fall away. Later I’ll apologize for my harsh words and though I know I’ll be forgiven I hope that I didn’t leave a permanent mark. 

Be kind to yourself and to others

Xoxo

Tears of a child

It breaks my heart when they cry. when we’ve come so far but there is a moment, a song or a memory that takes them back to a place they used to we. More EXACTLY a place WE used to be. And this month holds no exceptions. This season holds no boundaries. Dates, books, songs, smells…all the things and promises that were made, that were left unfulfilled. The questions that were left unanswered. All the smiles that have faded, the laughter that has floated by with the wind. I feel helpless sometimes and all I can do is hold them. Promise them it will get easier, promise them a better tomorrow. Make new memories to wipe away the painful ones. Still their are traces of your fingerprints on their hearts. Your signature in their books. Your picture in their minds. I don’t know how to deny them your existence but if I could I would wipe you from their minds, a clean slate because the tears that spill is so fresh with pain. so full of hurt and innocence. It is as if you never realized or cared how much you damaged their fragile beating hearts. For shame that their first heartbreak will always be in the name of a father and not some silly person that meant less than nothing to them. The name Daddy etched in their hearts will forever be a sad cross to bear. Something you ruined in your selfish pursuit of something different. The tears of a child are something that one should never be to blame for. And my anger that rises as I wipe those tears away is only so laced by the fact that I know in my heart I can give them a better tomorrow now that you are gone. That  one day they will know what it is to love and be loved by someone who genuinely is going to be there for them forever. Who doesn’t break their promises and who answers all their questions with kind words and a gentle hand. My children will be ok and one day the heartache will quiet. This season may be long and cold but we will get through it together. And you, your heart will forever have a hole from the loss these beautiful souls.

Election Day Aftermath (Politics through the eyes of a child)

​I had to wake up my children this morning and explain to them who had won the election. At 7 and 9 years old we had discussed some of the details of the candidates and what was going on. They groomed their opinions from what they had learned in school, from me and from the parts of the debates that I let them sit and watch. They had asked questions throughout the campaigns. They made me diligently fact check and research because I wanted to give them the best answers I could. Never in my life have I been so politically involved. My gorgeous babies really wanted to know what their future held. They wanted to know what these two people could possibly do that could shape the next year’s of the world they lived in. 
So as we stepped into our little voting booth yesterday and filled out those boxes, going over each choice, they were so proud to be part of something bigger than themselves. They fought to stay awake to see how the number changed. We discussed popular and electoral votes. We watched the news and listened to the discussions and as I began to get a sinking feeling I tucked them into bed with only the sweetest of dreams and hoped for their sakes for the best.
This morning I had to wake them up and explain to them that in the end their choice didn’t win. They had so very many questions that I had to carefully answer. Because I realized that my answers would not only impact them today but for the rest of their lives. You see they are scared. Scared of everything they heard. Scared for their friends, for the cute old people they love so much, scared for the country getting blown up because of a guy that’s so angry all the time. I explained to them that when you live in fear there is only fear. That is why you have to hope. Hope for the better days ahead. Keep fighting for what you believe in no matter what people say. When you are presented with a situation where there is a bully, you stand tall and don’t let that bully take you down. They were angry that people picked him over her. I explained to them being angry is exactly what he is. Fueling anger with anger doesn’t make the situation better. It only leads to another word which we don’t use in this house, hate. When you fuel a hate fire with more hate you are only going to get negatives. Instead of that,I told them, go show those you love, those you are scared for, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. That you love them. That no matter what, you have their backs. Loving those around you won’t undo the damage but it will cool down the hurt that everyone is feeling. I told them that now is the time we all need to stick together, because only now will we see how much stronger we are together. My words seemed to make them feel better. They are still unhappy but they are starting to understand a little more and I am starting to realize that they grow up way too fast. 
So to you I say this. I too am afraid and worried and even angry at what has happened. But I will not stand here in hate and anger. Instead I will tell you this. I have your backs, through everything, no matter what. And I love you. We got this #alwayskeepfighting #strongertogether #thisisformykids

In the middle of a memory

The leaves are in the middle of their change. Stuck between green and red. Some orange and amber. Other the brightest yellow the eyes can see. The wind is starting to crisp and the air…the air is tumbling across our senses with the smells of love. The smells of spices and Woodstock. Of warmth and cider. Of nights yearning to be copied up in our hoodies just aching to be scared around fires full of laughter. It’s the time of the year that I look forward to. The time of the year I feel free. The time of the year my smiles are big and my arms open wide to accept the hugs of the giggles of Littles after a full day of pumpkin picking and candied apples…

But I’m stick. Up swept by emotion I can quite grasp, and as much as I want to smile I want to scream. As much as I want out I want this season to pass. As many things as I want to do the memories all tie to those two perfect years that I made them with you. And I can erase and erase and smile through and still they settle into the minds of the children. And there’s nothing I can do. You’ve resurfaced. There’s been questions of which I have no answers. Only to talk about you in the past. As if you’ve died and been buried like those we’ve had to say goodbye to. And that’s sad, that you’ve become a corpse. Just another memory. When you could have stayed so much more to them. To all of us. And you chose instead to commit and act so heinous it only equates to death. 

So we bury you, a few times a week. For you are not that far under the ground. We lay flowers at your site and move on ahain. Rebuilding out lives on top of what you left of us. I am determined to do these things without you. Though it tears at my heartstrings so. The colors are not as vibrant and the wind not so sweet. But I will still love this time I have. This is my season. These are my days. I will fight forward and one day I will be free…from the middle of a memory

Take back those words

Can we take back all the words that I have said that were cruel and unusual in the past 24 hours? Not just to others but you myself as well. Take back the pain, the hurt. The frustration , the tears. Can we hold on to the precious few moments that I felt like I was doing something of value instead of screwing up everything I set my mind, my hands, my eyes my heart to?

Can I know where the messages in my brain came that nothing was good enough. That all of a sudden I was this failure. Can you fix those short circuit ingredients wires and replace them in my head. Can you dry up the tears that fell from my cheeks as I cried over the fact that I wasn’t good enough for them, to cherish their laughter, to deserve their sticky kisses. Those thoughts don’t belong here anymore.

Long have I worked to prove to myself that I could make it through the hardships. Long have I toiled, re-education my brain to prove to myself I was worthy of everything I had put so much effort towards. But today…yesterday. feels like all that effort was in vain.

Black stormy clouds took over my head and down I sank. Clawing my way to some sense of peace. That I was going to be ok. To stop judging. To picking away at parts of myself that had scarred over. I struggled through the day just to fall into a restless sleep.

And upon awake the cloud not black but grey. Could I make it through. Would the sunshine and push away the sorrow that and stole my peace. I’m fighting. Fighting so hard. Counting the blessings.

Kids

Healthy

Writing

Sparkles

Home

Food

Family

But I feel unworthy. Why. Why is the question. I have no answers. No answers but I’m pushing through. Just have to make it. Make it till Thierry smiles can chase the clouds away once more. I’ll get there.

So many changes. Changes provoking thoughts. Thoughts pushing me so hard. But my body isn’t ready. Rest. Rest. I will be strong enough to do what I have to. In time. Not all at once. Shhh. Rest now. I will get through this. I will get through

Sparkle thoughts

Therapy is not NOT an option

I didn’t go to therapy today. I know I need to but I really just didn’t want to. I surmise that this is for many reasons. Such as…My new antibiotics are making feel I’ll, I’m wicked tired, I know we’re starting to discuss emotional regulation today and my father in law passed away yesterday. All of these are very good reasons (well except one) for not going to group today but what lies under all of them is the fact that I really just didn’t want to go. Now, first of all, I believe it is helping me, more often than not I practice my debt skills to get me through the day. I try to be mindful and shuffle through all the skillfully playing cards they give me in order to cope with the outside world. I do not however like the fact that I have to keep track of what I am doing or follow each class up with himework. It makes me feel like a child and not an adult who is profiting from a group scenario. I think that is one of the reasons I get so snarky about it sometimes. Anyway, I do feel like crap from a third round of antibiotics I’ve been put on and will be going back to sleep for at least a little while.

As I sit here in my dim room with my pumpkin spice frappe (it’s amazing be jealous) I am drawn to the fact that I want so desperately to clean it, yet I can’t find the energy to do it. Granted I haven’t been high on spoons and I use most of them on my kids but there’s more to it than that. You see my room isn’t a mess per say, there are just parts of it that have clutter or need sorted out. There’s a brand new bookshelf that needs to be filled with all the wonderous books that I have. Some whose covers have never yet been opened. I think a lot of this is like my mind, a huge space so full of stuff that only the carefulness can navigate and find there way thtough. Easy to see what’s there but to delve into the hidden spots takes a keen eye and an intelligent mind. Things are hidden away. Locked treasures that you need to find the key for. One of them being my heart. But that box has multiple keys.

Speaking of which, so I was on Whisper the other day, where I received a very nice compliment. I wasn’t sure what part on my post deserved such a compliment but I appreciated it non the less. This is what I wrote.

And in very unhappy news, I am still numb after the phone call I got from the ex husband that his step dad had passed. Now I don’t generally think most people stay close to their ex’s family after a divorce but his mom, step-dad and siblings remained family to me. We exchange cards, pics, calls and whatnot. Living on two different coasts has made it hard on visits and I now feel guilty that he never got to meet my pixie. I am just taken totally aback by the situation. So I will be strong and I will push through. Gotta plan a trip sometime.

My thoughts are churning out endless streams of who knows what at the moment, so I shall  attempt to shut them down and nap. My tip of the day. Self love. Do it!

Sparkle thoughts

Xox

Unrealistic Expectations 

The movie Practical Magic holds a special place in my heart. The weird, kooky, romantic yet family oriented plot reached me on so many levels. So far this year has not been peaches and cream so I found myself turning to this movie to help me smile or even just cry it out. I find myself drawn to on part in particular —

Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.

Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?

Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.

Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.

Young Sally Owens: That’s the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist, I’ll never die of a broken heart.

Everyday I think about how proud I am of how far I’ve come. As an independent woman, as a free thinker and as a strong mother. I know that I am a whole person worthy of many great things. There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever be ready to let someone else in. If there will ever be someone that can love to real, whole me. 

So in preparation for this moment in the future I came up with a list of standards that my next partner in crime needs to meet. It’s been decided that they need at least a 65% pass rate to move onto the next round. It is totally unrealistic and very Practical Magic of me. I don’t actually expect any of it to come true but some of the requirements would be swoonworthy. It is as follows – 

1. Can sing (or gives it their best shot)

2. Can dance (or at least be willing to make a fool out of themselves trying)

3. Must be a geek  (or love em)

4. Must be intelligent

5. Must be funny

6. Must be charming

7. Must enjoy ALL kinds of movies

8. Must have nice arms

9. Must have a good bad guy smirk

10. Must have a job

11. Said job must be secure

12. Must get along with his family

13. Must get along with my family

14. Must want A family

15. Must be able to hold a conversation

16. Must be able to debate

17. Must be able to communicate

18. Must love dogs

19. Must be honest

20. Must be loyal

21. Must love Disney

22. Must be romantic

23. Must be well read

24. Must be willing to read

25. Must be quirky

26. Must speak at least 2 languag

27. Must be unfuckingbelievable

28. Must have great hair

29. Must appreciate ALL music

30. Must have expressive eyebrows

31. Must look like or at the least resemble in anyway the following actors

Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt, John Cusack, Josh Peck, Steve Brundage, Iwan Rheon, Billy Boyd, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Justin Long, Jay Baruchel, Bill Hader, Richard Gene or Patrick Swayze