Category Archives: Faith

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter. 

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter. 

My Girls in Heaven (trigger warning)

If I close my eyes and wish hard enough, dream sweetly enough I can hear your laughter. Soft and sweet giggles on the wind. I can feel your little hands close in mind as we go running through the field of wildflowers into the woods where we play hide and seek. I can see your eyes, bright blue and bright green, your hair in alternate shades of deep and light red, your skin pale as the day is long with those scatter freckles across your cheeks just like your brother and sister. I can hear your soft sweet voices singing on the wind as we tumble to the ground and make daisy crowns for our hair while we play by the water’s edge on our afternoon adventure. I feel the weight of your bodies in my lap as I hold you in my arms not wanting this day to end, this dream to be woken from. Your sweet kisses to my cheeks assure me that you will be there again when I come to visit you, that I don’t belong there to stay, that it’s time for me to go home. And when reality sets back in and I open my eyes to the world with tearstained cheeks, I know that somewhere you are still watching over me.

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I scoop up my babies and hold then tight, whispering to them how much I love them. They ask me why I have tears in my eyes and all I can tell them is that it is because I am so happy to have them with me. It is not a lie, I am happy, I am lucky that I get to hold them in my arms, that I get each and every day with them. The only part I leave out is that part of the reason for the tears is for theirĀ siblings who are always watching us and will one day be able to hug us when our souls join with theirs. One day I will tell them about their sisters who will forever be in our hearts. But for today, I will wrap them up in all over my love.

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There is for as long as I have known a stigma around writing about miscarriage, a taboo about the written word of losing a baby before they were born. But my girls were a part of me and I am not ashamed to say that. There is a part of my heart and soul that no matter what anyone says or how much time has passed that won’t stop hurting for the loss of them. They were part of me, I created them, I saw them, I knew they were there in my soul and then they weren’t. And that loss is soul crushing.

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When I found out I was pregnant in 2008 I was beyond the moon, a second baby when I was told I couldn’t have a first. I knew that this pregnancy was going to be different because I couldn’t even stand the smell of sugar, oh it was terrible. I was somewhere between 7-10 weeks along when I lost her that Father’s Day, June 21, 2008. It was confirmed by a test the next day, they took my blood and called me and I remember the phone falling out of my hands and dropping to the ground. I remember feeling crushed. I held my spritely boy that day so tightly as though the heavens would take him from me too. Later than summer I was granted a wish and therein lie the miracle and my Pixie was born 2 months after her sister should have been.

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We thought I was sick in 2015, we thought it was my lap band, we thought it was something with my stomach, I went under surgery twice not knowing. And then the results came in, I was pregnant. I was thrilled, beyond thrilled, I had a wonderful relationship and everything was going well. I was terrified and anxious and excited, I was going to do everything right this time. But everything wasn’t going as planned. The first sonogram showed her smaller than she should have been but that was ok. Then the next one, I saw her heart beating! I saw it, it was slow but it was there and I thought, look at that, this is really happening. I tossed away all the concerned looks that everyone else had because of how small she was still measuring. Then it happened the next week. She was still there, a smudge and actual smudge, I saw her…but her heart had stopped beating and she was gone, just gone. And so was I., This time, it wasn’t just let nature happen, it was medical intervention happens. We didn’t know exactly how far along I was. But June 8th, 2015 was her day, her birthday I suppose but as she had passed while still inside my body I don’t know what t call it. She was about the age as her sister had been, but the whole experience was different. This one included contractions and pain and the whole experience I had with my live births. I was devastated. My life would be forever changed.

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Why am I writing this now? Because it is June, because June for me is a hard month, one of plenty of happiness but one of a lot of pain. One that will bring about the summer and one that will forever remind me of my angel babies. May-June one day be a month of rebirth for me and not hold my heart so heavy, this is what I can wish for. So today I will go and make a flower crown with my faerie kids, we shall run and we shall play and we shall laugh. And our laughter will bring us smiles and I know somewhere our angels are smiling down on us.

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Mommy loves you

Always

Shaye

xoxo

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Sound of Silence

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The sound of silence echoes in my ears like the dust settling on a library book long forgotten. It is deafening yet comforting, oddly perverse in it’s nature. I am aware of its presence yet it fills me with hope for a better tomorrow. I do not dwell upon it, more on the stagnation I am fighting for it not to cause. I am whole with seams that are slowly filling in with a stronger cement than there was before. Will it hold this time? This question has no known answers,  only whispers fallen on deaf ears. Whispers of “I don’t know”.

That is ok, I am strong, this is worth it, my journey has not yet ended. I am aware of the stirrings of my inner flame, flickering to the beat of my internal exstasis. Growing brighter as my soul does. Each day a little closer to a fresh start, closer to a new path, closer to the next page of my journey.

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Pinky Promise

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Noone can hold it together all of the time. Not you and most certainly not me. There comes a time when even the most put together people fall apart. Those are the hard times. When those people that you look to, to hold your pieces together fall apart. You can stand there with your arms open, tissue boxes at your side, holding them as their body shakes with so many tears. You can run your fingers through their hair and whisper the words “I know” because you do. You can look them in the eyes and tell them they will get through this, that it will get better and know that in your heart it will. But why can’t you believe it yourself.
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Your eyes mirror thiers, different shades of colors, kalioscopic tears, yearning to take their pain away. The pain of an ending before the book is closed. But thiers hopr. Their candle still flickers when you’re has been snuffed out. Helpless, you try and make the best out of the situation for them because you know it’s too late for you. You’ve accepted what you were handed and you’ve begun to move on.
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You wish you could take their pain away, but you can’t.
You wish you could calm their fears, but you don’t have the words.
You wish that they never had to go through this, but you can’t protect them forever.
So you hold out your arms and wrap them as tightly as you can. You whisper the words “I know”. You give them the strength you have left.
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Because you promised you’d be there. And best friends don’t break their promises.

I’m here. I always will be.
Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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I’m here for you. For as long as you need me.

I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.

I am here for you. For as long as you need me.

Sparkles,

Shaye

Xoxo

 

Decompression

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People wonder what I do all day, a woman on disability, a single Mom on welfare, a transplant who after 5 years can count her closest friends in the area on one hand.

People don’t understand why work is so hard for me. Why I can’t keep repetitive motion in my arms, why I can’t be on my feet for more than 15 minutes. They want to blame my weight.

My weight which I have no control over, but I’m working on. My fibro which I have no control over, but I’m working on. My getting sick all the time, which I have no control over, but I’m working on.

So what do I do all day?
I get up
Get the kids off to school
Go to therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, aquatic therapy
Followed by more therapy
Then make some calls and/or do some homework
Then maybe shopping or an appointment
Get the kids (or just one kid on m or w)
Do homework
Pick up other kid
Possibly some errands
Homework
BSC comes over/prepare dinner
Wind kids down
Say good night’s
Explain why they can’t sleep in my bed
Say good night’s
Start my own hw or cleaning
Send kids back to bed
Go back to doing my stuff
Explain why kids can’t sleep in my bed
Finally finish my tasks
Take meds
Lay down and hope to sleep
Lather Rinse Repeat
Add in chaos, stress, bills and pressure and that’s my daily routine.

Sometimes I decompress, I deserve to decompress. Even if that means laying on my best friends couch, watching kitchen nightmares while she paints her face.

Everyone deserves a few hours of me time

Shaye
Xoxo

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I pressed delete

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Fevered exchanges
Beautiful words
Pictures
Promises
Futures were planned
Multiple lines repeated
Love that forever grew
Assurances
Compliments
Trusts
Never knowing it would end
Building a life through technology
When limbs weren’t entangled
Good mornings
I miss yous
I need yous
Let’s have family dinner
So you won’t be alone
Soul bound
Soulmate
We zinger
Pined
Shared our secrets
Out laughable moments
Our worst fears
We swooned
We melted
We teamed up
We plotted
We remembered our love
Daily reminders of our love
Technology that we didn’t have when we were young
Brought us back together
We fought for together
Lived for each other
For family
For us
For our children.
Fevered exchanges
Naughty words
Silly pictures
Promises of tomorrow
A love never to be compared

1716 locked messages
Saved for so long
Just in case

My finger trembled
My heart ached
But my tears never fell
As I pressed delete

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It Takes a Village

They say that it takes a village to raise children, but what about when you don’t have a village. What about when it’s only you? What about when you think you have done something right and then you realize that you may have made a mistake, screwed it all up and it not only breaks your heart but it breaks the hearts of your children too.

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My kiddos were too young to know when their father and I split up. They never grew up with them until my oldest was four and my youngest two. Even then he wasn’t a constant in their lives. My Wolf was the constant from the ages of 3 and 1 to just about 7 and 5. They knew him, they trusted him but I was comfortable and I knew that the relationship wasn’t going to come to any sort of fruition. Then there was the Demon, for lack of a better name for him. I was sure, totally sure about him, he helped take care of me when I was a sick 17-year-old for fucks sake, but his alcoholic and cocaine fueled rages at me when the kids took to bed proved too harsh on me and I had to let him. The next day Charming rode into my life, and he was home. He was everything I knew about home. He was the first man I ever truly gave my whole self to. That self-was whole in the least, it was broken fragments and I wasn’t ready to be the woman he needed me to be. I lied…A lot. To protect me from hm and to protect him from me. Because I was scared. He took to my family quite quickly and made promises of forever, but forever wasn’t as long as it turned out to be. A year and a month later and it’s over and he’s gone.

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I wrote this to a friend today and I think it is quite pertinent to my situation –

The hardest part about being a single mom is the fact that unless somebody’s ready to be in a relationship with you and your children there can never be a clean break. It sucks to think that every person that I’ve had in mind and the kids live excluding friends has been able to walk away with the peace of mind and the children’s hearts and they don’t realize what can be causing it. It sucks to think that somebody can put that much damage and that much heartbreak on my kids lives. I love all of my friends for sticking around and all of my friends for taking all of the roles they have in the kids lives because we’ve basically spent nine years alone. But I think I just want to find someone eventually one day that’ll be able to keep the promises they made for the kids and not leave them as broken as they’ve tried to leave me. Is that ridiculous or does that sound like something I can be Wishing on a Star for because honestly I don’t know at this point?

It’s the truth….It takes a village, even if that village is spread over the internet community.

Shaye

xoxo

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Don’t put off today, what you may not get to do tomorrow

My friend Tony wrote these incredibly touching words on why you shouldn’t put off I love you’s. Why saying goodbye comes way to fast and why you should always let those near and dear to you know that they have a place in your heart.

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I wanted to share something very important that we should all take to heart.  In this life all you have is your loved ones and your memories, and I finally realized after all these years you have to take advantage of them whenever you can.

There may not be a next fishing trip, the next cruise, the next family get together. I have buried more friends young than I have been to weddings, two this year that started seemingly innocent as a cold.  So don’t take for granted that there will be a next time, don’t let it get to “it’s been far too long” because you never know when too long will become too late.

Don’t be afraid to take that trip, spend the money, do something out of your comfort zone because that’s where our best memories come from.  Nobody talks about how awesome it was to sit home alone instead of making memories and I have made that mistake all too many times myself.  Don’t be afraid to tell your friends you love them, that they mean something to you.

Spend the money, spend your time, make things happen with the people you care about.  Don’t let the excuses, the laziness, the long drive, the lack of funds, the easy way out rob you of your life experiences.  Money isnt the end goal of our lives, that’s not why we work, its a tool to be used to manifest the life you want to live.  Go out and do it because there’s no guarantee there will be a next time.

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Thank you Tony, you have touch mine and many others hearts with your words

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