Category Archives: Elephant Journal

Seperate Paths… (until we meet again)

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If you asked me how I am today
I’d tell you I don’t know
If you tried to touch my heart today
I’d beg you to go slow
The smile begot the tears somehow
And down my cheeks they flow
And if you ask me to explain
I’d silently mouth no

There used to be a place in time
I knew what it all meant
A happiness inside my soul
Where all the feelings went
But now I feel my insides steam
Just looking for a vent
An emotional toll paid out by me
My change has all but spent

A silent tear rolls down my cheek
As I gaze up to the star
I wonder if somewhere out there
You miss me from a far
I close my eyes and make a wish
Just like I did that day
That you’ll be happy no matter what
Even though you went away

I gave so much of me to you
Even though you did not know it then
From heart and soul to trivial things
Like words beneath this pen
You gave toe all that you had
I hold it close this day
And wish that I had the words
To make you come and stay

But our paths have split and we have gone
Alone our seperate ways
We’ve done this dance a time ago
And here we are to day
So when you look upon the stars
Before you close your eyes
Just know that beyond the scope of time
It’s never a good bye

And if in dreamland we should meet
At that place where we were one
Just take my hand and sit with me
Until our time does come
To rise again another day
To face the world again
And know that I’ll be always here
Forever my best friend ♡

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It Takes a Village

They say that it takes a village to raise children, but what about when you don’t have a village. What about when it’s only you? What about when you think you have done something right and then you realize that you may have made a mistake, screwed it all up and it not only breaks your heart but it breaks the hearts of your children too.

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My kiddos were too young to know when their father and I split up. They never grew up with them until my oldest was four and my youngest two. Even then he wasn’t a constant in their lives. My Wolf was the constant from the ages of 3 and 1 to just about 7 and 5. They knew him, they trusted him but I was comfortable and I knew that the relationship wasn’t going to come to any sort of fruition. Then there was the Demon, for lack of a better name for him. I was sure, totally sure about him, he helped take care of me when I was a sick 17-year-old for fucks sake, but his alcoholic and cocaine fueled rages at me when the kids took to bed proved too harsh on me and I had to let him. The next day Charming rode into my life, and he was home. He was everything I knew about home. He was the first man I ever truly gave my whole self to. That self-was whole in the least, it was broken fragments and I wasn’t ready to be the woman he needed me to be. I lied…A lot. To protect me from hm and to protect him from me. Because I was scared. He took to my family quite quickly and made promises of forever, but forever wasn’t as long as it turned out to be. A year and a month later and it’s over and he’s gone.

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I wrote this to a friend today and I think it is quite pertinent to my situation –

The hardest part about being a single mom is the fact that unless somebody’s ready to be in a relationship with you and your children there can never be a clean break. It sucks to think that every person that I’ve had in mind and the kids live excluding friends has been able to walk away with the peace of mind and the children’s hearts and they don’t realize what can be causing it. It sucks to think that somebody can put that much damage and that much heartbreak on my kids lives. I love all of my friends for sticking around and all of my friends for taking all of the roles they have in the kids lives because we’ve basically spent nine years alone. But I think I just want to find someone eventually one day that’ll be able to keep the promises they made for the kids and not leave them as broken as they’ve tried to leave me. Is that ridiculous or does that sound like something I can be Wishing on a Star for because honestly I don’t know at this point?

It’s the truth….It takes a village, even if that village is spread over the internet community.

Shaye

xoxo

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Habits

They say that old habits die hard. And that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I bought into these theories until I realized that…Well they weren’t true.

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Thinking about it now, it’s 6am-ish, the whole house is sleeping except me. I went to bed around 2am. I am, for the most part, alert and able to function semi normally. On 4 hours of sleep, which if I looked at my fitbit app would probably tell most of it was restless, I am of sound mind and body to do things normal people do at normal times.(ie. Pick up meds, head to work, go for a jog). But if I were to lay my head down right now and fall back asleep, if I woke with Charming ‘ alarm in an hour, I would not be able to function for quite a few.

Now that I’ve gotten through that train of thought let’s try another one, shall we? The whole point of this blog was to get me on the path to actually putting out my book, now granted I have  started 4 different projects, came up with a bunch of creative ventures I think would be write up my ally, I still struggle with this book thing. And I think it had all to do with my habits.

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I love to start projects, but if I can’t see where they are going I can’t finish them,  for example I wrote a piece on depression I want to submit to elephant journal. I got some great tips from a gal who writes for them. Incorporated those changes in my brain (and may or may not have stick a quote from Cool Runnings in there) but have not physically changed it yet. I have a list of topics I would love to share but I just…haven’t gotten there. I finally found my muse with a story I believe in, one written in a notebook with a pencil but because of winter break and dealing with life…it’s sat at my tea table of writingness for days pouting at me.

Now, I can sit here and tell you I’m lazy and most people would agree that i have that streak. But others, ones that knoe me best will tell you I’m habitually scattered, derailed, manic even. Some will say it’s the depression and I will tell you it’s all of the above. But I’ll fill you in on something else. I am habitually the Cowardly Lion that lives in Oz. More often then not I don’t think I can do it as well or better that I should.

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And a narcissist being a coward is more common than you think. Which brings me to my next point. I am NOT a habitual narcissist. I happen to be one everyday. It’s weird and screwed up and I have tons of things I will ok one day write about it, but just know that all you think or read about someone with that diagnosis isn’t always all true…and it fucking hurts.

I habitually hurt people and I don’t mean to. I’d blame the borderline, but Marcia Linehan would say that’s not very dialect of me….and for all you BPD out there that found that funny…you’re welcome.

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This post took itself in places I am not sure I was going for, but it’s 650am and Charming has an alarm that will go off soon enough. I get to spend the day with the Yang to my Grey and the Pixie.

The great part is I get to just be me. No hiding, no mask, just me. But I have to leave the house….I don’t like doing that anymore….and that’s a habit I need to break.

Till next time lovelies
Shaye
Xoxo

Facebook – http://facebook.com/undertheguiseofglitter/
Twitter – @NOSGLITTER

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How Cool Am I?#

AHHHHH! My college newsletter wrote about my Elephant Journal article!!!! It’s on the FRONT page of the newsletter!!!!!!

Check it out!!!!
Elizabethtown Newsletter

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Awwww I’ve Missed You Too

Actually I have no idea if ya’ll missed me bit I definitely missed you. So many things are going on…well kinda…ish

Firstly, that gorgeous blog posting my article (if you haven’t seen it, the past 3 posts are all gushing about it)

Then I started editing a fantastic book, no no can’t tell you which one, but when I can I promise it will be all over the place.

I also finally started writing my own book! It is a very interesting process. It it difficult and exciting all at the same time.

The kiddos were away this past weekend and brought back this wonderous respiratory virus. Doctors visit tomorrow. Right now…

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A Good Morning to You

Good morning everyone!!!

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I can’t tell you that the past 2 weeks have been anything other than full of ER visits, therapy appointments, doctor appointments, helping out at a triathlon and getting my first article published. So first things first…1 I didn’t have a stroke, which is fantastic! It was a complex migraine which felt like a stroke. Either way it sucked. My boys doc changed his meds around and we will see if that changes his attitude. Other than that…the pixie doesn’t listen, at all. She has quite a weird streak going on and I don’t know how to break her of it. Charming did a three stooges routine all by himself while holding a canoe and ending up getting hurt (he didn’t do it on purpose).

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And I got my first piece published on a platform that is larger than this one. I am so blessed that I have all you dedicated followers, you are the reason that I have continued to write, the reason I have been able to open up about my life, my mental health and the things that ail me. So on that note…

If you get the chance, while you are in your morning routine, give this a read. I wrote this from the heart and am trying to share it with the world. I keep receiving messages about this article touching lives and that makes my heart soar. So give it a few moment of your time and then pay it foward.

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Skin Envy – By Yours Truly

All my sparkle thoughts,
Shaye

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