They say that old habits die hard. And that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I bought into these theories until I realized that…Well they weren’t true.
Thinking about it now, it’s 6am-ish, the whole house is sleeping except me. I went to bed around 2am. I am, for the most part, alert and able to function semi normally. On 4 hours of sleep, which if I looked at my fitbit app would probably tell most of it was restless, I am of sound mind and body to do things normal people do at normal times.(ie. Pick up meds, head to work, go for a jog). But if I were to lay my head down right now and fall back asleep, if I woke with Charming ‘ alarm in an hour, I would not be able to function for quite a few.
Now that I’ve gotten through that train of thought let’s try another one, shall we? The whole point of this blog was to get me on the path to actually putting out my book, now granted I have started 4 different projects, came up with a bunch of creative ventures I think would be write up my ally, I still struggle with this book thing. And I think it had all to do with my habits.
I love to start projects, but if I can’t see where they are going I can’t finish them, for example I wrote a piece on depression I want to submit to elephant journal. I got some great tips from a gal who writes for them. Incorporated those changes in my brain (and may or may not have stick a quote from Cool Runnings in there) but have not physically changed it yet. I have a list of topics I would love to share but I just…haven’t gotten there. I finally found my muse with a story I believe in, one written in a notebook with a pencil but because of winter break and dealing with life…it’s sat at my tea table of writingness for days pouting at me.
Now, I can sit here and tell you I’m lazy and most people would agree that i have that streak. But others, ones that knoe me best will tell you I’m habitually scattered, derailed, manic even. Some will say it’s the depression and I will tell you it’s all of the above. But I’ll fill you in on something else. I am habitually the Cowardly Lion that lives in Oz. More often then not I don’t think I can do it as well or better that I should.
And a narcissist being a coward is more common than you think. Which brings me to my next point. I am NOT a habitual narcissist. I happen to be one everyday. It’s
weird and screwed up and I have tons of things I will ok one day write about it, but just know that all you think or read about someone with that diagnosis isn’t always all true…and it fucking hurts.
I habitually hurt people and I don’t mean to. I’d blame the borderline, but Marcia Linehan would say that’s not very dialect of me….and for all you BPD out there that found that funny…you’re welcome.
This post took itself in places I am not sure I was going for, but it’s 650am and Charming has an alarm that will go off soon enough. I get to spend the day with the Yang to my Grey and the Pixie.
The great part is I get to just be me. No hiding, no mask, just me. But I have to leave the house….I don’t like doing that anymore….and that’s a habit I need to break.
Till next time lovelies
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