The first of many books I stated, let me know what you think
This is NOT a love story! And what I mean by that is that this is some mushy gushy story about love triangles, about some guy or girl shaped my world or any of that nonsense. Though if I really think about it those aspects are in there. However, this is NOT a love story. I will not let you categorize it as such, much like Disney categorized Frozen as a sisters story when it WAS a love story. This, at least I think is more of a suspense thriller, but most people would disagree…Granted most people can’t see inside my brain. Hell I can’t even see inside my brain. Ok off track here a little bit. Anyway, now that we are clear what this isn’t, let me tell you what this is.
This is MY story; yeah get your chuckles out now. I know what most of you think of me, even some hell probably some of those who I’ve chatted up in the grocery store line. I know what you’re thinking. And no, I am not a conspiracy theorist or any of that nonsense, I just know what mask I where when and how people judge me in relation t such. Hell, I’ve burned some of those masks years ago and people still remember them. They are seared so hotly into people’s brains that I will never be who I am today but always who I used to be. So, this is a story without the mask, or at least I hope I can be brilliant honest and make it through. This is the story I should have typed a thousand times in a thousand different ways and I didn’t…
I have a lot of good excuses why I didn’t, but nothing that really gets me out of it. I have 5 fucking stories on my computer, 5! And they each have at least 2 chapters…One of them even had a PROLIGUE! And they are genuine stories that I hope to finish someday, but I can’t put my heart back in the place it was when I was writing them, does that make sense? Ok so by now you know that in person I have many masks, I make a lot of excuses and totally judge books (and movies) by their cover (and tag lines…see first paragraph). Let’s add to the stack shall we? I often go off on tangents that no one can follow (be prepared), I can be very sexual and potty mouthed, and sometimes I just out and out lie…Granted I think it’s more of a retelling of the story in a more fanciful fashion but when push comes to shove, I lie. If you have to ask why at this point I would tell you because I like to. See I told you a suspense thriller would be more my story.
So here I am baring my soul, to the world. Or at least I hope to. In this story that is not about love, though there is love in it. A story full of stories, full of unheard truths and confessions. Maybe I’m repenting for some bad shit I did in a past life, but all I got from all the oogie boogies down in New Orleans where that something really bad happened in a past life but they couldn’t tell me. I think I am writing my story because it is time, or that I am running out of time. No I am not suicidal, I am literally running out of time, I was supposed to write 50,000 words by the month of December and as of right now my word count is 607. I think if I can pound out 50,000 words in two days I would be incredible proud of myself but incredibly worn out. But I made a promise to someone in New Orleans that I would finish a book by the beginning of this year and I broke that promise. I hate breaking promises. So now it’s time to promise myself I will finally finish what I have started. For once in my life have something to look back on and say hey you…look at that, not only do you make beautiful kids, bake a mean apple pies and have a gay harem that puts the world to shame…but you wrote a fucken book. Go team you.
Now that I have gotten a minor introduction out of the way I guess we should start with my childhood right? I don’t have a lot of memories as a kid, but I have flashes of them, if that makes sense. I look through photo albums and I know faces and names and not a lot of details. Every once in a while a very clear memory will pop up in there and I will blurt it out, but those memories are so sporadic, sometimes I wish they would either stay or go away completely.
This is what I posted on the FB page but I will go into a little more detail here –
So I spent the majority of the day either in the ER or sleeping. I know I promise the continuation of the I Can’t Breathe Saga but my health comes first. I will be posting more tonight, just can’t let myself get wiped out emotionally as well. In just a few days my blog has grown by leaps and bounds and I am so humbled that I am touching so many peoples lives in a positive way. SO keep sharing, keep the feedback coming in, and me, I will keep writing.
The fact of the matter is this, with the change in Medical Assistance and Medicaid in general I ran out of Dental insurance over a year and a half ago. I take really good care of my teeth but I have always had bad teeth. I am terrified of dentists (that is for another long post), and when I was a teenager I had a dentist that really really fucked up my mouth. So I am just full of crowns and other lovely things. I generally, when I have insurance, am great on upkeep, however because of medications, surgeries and my pregnancy to my angel baby, my teeth too the brunt of the damage. I saw a dentist (finally found one that took my insurance) on Monday and I have to have two teeth pulled next week, but I have an awful infection. So it’s antibiotics and Motrin (which doesn’t work but I got upgraded to something betterish).
Now the only reason I told you any of this is because I have 4 autoimmune diseases (once again long posts to follow at some point), 1 of them being blood based where my body can’t fight off infection the way it is supposed to. (No it isn’t HIV or AIDS…No judging or jumping to conclusions here people). So I am on a neverending dosage of antibiotics and or steroids. I blow up, I am miserable and I feel awful all the time. Which feeds into another of my autoimmune issues making it difficult to function. (and you would think I was on disability for those, but NOOOO it’s cuz I am Bipolar and Borderline…Go Figure),
Now….The reason I am even here explaining this is because, I don’t give myself a break. EVER. It’s the narcissist. The Mommy. The Borderline. The Manic. The Superhero. The Leo. Today I genuinely tried to give myself a break and went to the hospital for a break, in so much pain I couldn’t really walk, I was foggy and blacking out and in tons of pain. Let’s just say the doctor was other than nice. Hence I am apologizing, because I feel extreme guilt for not being able to share things with you….That’s who I am.
“Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me” – RENT
By the by I have included the link to the definition of a Spoonie by the originator herself and a cute little graphic to go along with it.
The Spoon Theory