Category Archives: Cake

I’m Feeling 33!!!

Looks like we made it. And by we I mean me. I have realized that I talk about myself in the plural. I have been doing it for quite a while now, it was normal because I was always talking about the kids and I usually had a partner to speak of. Now…not so much, but still when it comes to the kids I talk about what we do, what decisions we have made…and by we I mean me. I suppose it works the I am Mommy and Daddy, I make all the decisions that both parents would make on a daily basis and I do think that Supermom deserves the title of the universal WE.

7864369aadc414f9741c3f6cef17eb54

So today…33…thats FUCKING AWESOME! I am totally stoked to be 33. And there are a few reasons why. More than a few reasons, but the reasons I choose to talk about most are this. 33 is an AWESOME number. It is my favorite number twice in a row, there has to be something to that. 32 was a helluvah year, happy and sad, the longest year of my life and now…it’s over. I have taken the steps, done the therapy, cleaned out the closets, breathed deeply, talked it over, thought it out and as a good friend of mine, named Pumba, told me “put my behind in the past”. I have taken everything that has happened and observed it and let it go, floating on some fucking leaf like they told me to and waved goodbye to it. Will I have memories, sure but you know what, I am free of the burden they carry now. 33 marks a turning point in my life. Also, as per my cards being read, 33 is going to be a great year as long as I trust in those around me, continue to do great things and don’t let the past get me down. So there you have it.

b398a6e91e35680e37cf7a7fcff3d0d6

So far, since I have gotten up this morning, I have been reminded of how much I am loved by those people in my life. I have gotten ready for my best friends wedding at the end of the week. I have had the most amazing food with my amazing family. I have been sung to by people that made my heart smile. My kids have astonished me with thier intelligence, love and humor. I have seen a movie that tickled me in a way I haven’t been in forever and I got to share it with a whole new generation.

fcc473354167c24709e87bfaafe4e36a

33 kicked off quite magically, the days to come may not be easy, they may cause heartache or pain but you know what? I will get through them, I will make it. I am strong and THIS is MY year!

c8deb844c0a5f45f99fd214731fe31e5

Bohemian Lullabye

Yes this may or may NOT be the prologue to Shaye’s tale

************************************************

Prologue

“What are you doing?” my brow furrowed as he first turned his gaze and then his entire body away from me.

I was met with silence, that cold ring of silence that makes you uncomfortable and anxious all at the same time. I stared at the ceiling and tapped my fingers together wondering if I was going to get an answer from him.

We had been in a lull between tours and we had just another few weeks before we went on the road again. There had been talks of separate buses, because who wants to deal with a weepy Oliver when he can’t see the baby. I didn’t even know if the entire family was coming along this time. The last month long tour we did on the west coast we were ramped and it just blew.

There was a crack in my ceiling; I idly made it into various shapes as he still was silent. I knew he wasn’t dead, how morbid of a thought, because he was still breathing. And he wasn’t snoring so he wasn’t asleep. He was just waiting. Just fucking waiting. For what? I didn’t know. I had nothing left to apologize for. I tried to make amends for my past, for being distant, for not wanting to jump his bones every five seconds, hell I apologized for not making the bed the other day. But it wasn’t enough.

I took a deep breath “Baby, why did you turn away from me?”

“Because I needed to, because sometimes I don’t even think you realize that you aren’t a person anymore.”

I winced, sighed and let my head drop. “Alright, if that’s how you feel.”

I slipped out of the bed, feet hitting the cold stone of the floor, and quickly yanked on a pair of yoga pants and a sport tank and headed off to the kitchen. I almost expected him to follow me. I knew he wouldn’t, when he gets like this he never does. I half hoped that the guys were coming over to snag him for a rehearsal today. As the coffeemaker began to drip I scooped my hair into a ponytail on the top of my head. He called me pebbles when I did that, not that he had done that lately. I glanced around at the quaint stone cottage and made a face at the boxes I had yet to unpack.

I just didn’t have the strength or energy lately, honestly all I wanted during this break was to rest and spend time with Eric. But my time with him kept leading to these petty fights and I just, I just didn’t know what to do. He’s so logical and I’m so not. I’m spontaneous and he’s organized. I love clutter and he, well he can’t leave dishes in the sink overnight.

Adding some coffee to my sugar and cream I plopped down in my oversized armchair and flipped the lid open to the box closest to me. Pulling a manila envelope out of the top, I frowned because I didn’t remember when or how that got there. I opened it slowly and placing my coffee on the table next to me, reached in tentatively. It was full of pictures.

I pulled them out one by one, studying each and every detail. Some were from even before we hit it big. Way before. Some were from high school, HIGH SCHOOL. When my hair we all kinds of curious colors, and there was smiles on all of our faces. Each of the pictures as they fell into my lap brought back memories I hadn’t had in so long. Some bad and some good but each had lyrics and poems attached to them. I knew what I had to do to get out of this funk. I grabbed my pone and loaded up a bunch of songs and stood up letting the pictures flutter to the floor.

I hastily wrote a note and left it on the table:

Eric,

Went for a run to clear my head. Technology free day, soon as I come home. Yes I have it on me, and my knife and my pepper spray.

Love you,

Shaye

 

Placing my ear buds in, I stretched my legs out and headed out the door of my small stone fortress, and out into the woods. Taking in a deep breath of that green fresh mountain air I began to slowly jog, losing myself in my memories.

© S.R. Gray 2016

Another Fallen Star

image

What do you say when someone you has never met, but has touched your life so profoundly. Do you weep freely or hide your tears from the world. When we lose those that shaped our lives through their words and talent; We sit in stunned silence as if a lover has passed. When the tears finally come and your body convulsed with solve, you curse the universe for trying to shatter dreams.

“What are you going to do next? Hit me with that fiiish”

Thank you for bring my awakening, helping me go after my dreams and just being one helluvah guy.

RIP Alan Rickman

Your star will never stop shining.

image

How Cool Am I?#

AHHHHH! My college newsletter wrote about my Elephant Journal article!!!! It’s on the FRONT page of the newsletter!!!!!!

Check it out!!!!
Elizabethtown Newsletter

image

I ate a cake

019-800x600

Last night I ate a cake. A whole cake. Not because I was planning on eating a cake, just because it sort of happened. I was very very loopy on my random variety of pills and it was about 3am. As I stumbled through the house I made my way into the kitchen and saw an angel food cake covered in buttercream sitting on the counter. I don’t know how it got there considering Charming and I have been on our own for almost 2 weeks without the kids. But it had my name written all over it.

I grabbed a fork and dug in, it was light and airy and sugary and just sort of disappeared. I don’t know how long it took, but I stood there at the stove and just ate the cake. I heard Charming call my name, I am pretty sure that I went into the room and answered him but I totally went back into that kitchen and finished the cake…and then I hid the evidence. After polishing off the rest of a gallon of milk I stood there and thought…”Jeeeeez, I just ate a cake, a whole cake. Why did I eat a cake?”…

Yeah…no answer from the peanut gallery.

See I would sit here and say I was hiding it, but it is the reason I decided to write this blog in the first lace. Because I ate a fucking cake. A whole cake. A woman, who just found out that she gained almost a hundred pounds in a year, los a baby, is getting evicted needed to blog because she ate a cake. But I think that it is a break through. I have binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder sucks. And having it sucks even more. After having to hide for so long and sneak food because I grew up thinking that I had to hide eating because I was too big (I was a dancer and an athlete and not big at all) I think that eating a whole cake and standing behind it a positive experience.

tumblr_static_72irijolc2w4oc8ck0g8gos04

Let’s classify Binge Eating Disorder shall we? 

According the the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) – “Binge Eating Disorder is a type of eating disorder that is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating”.-

Symptoms

  • Frequent episodes of consuming very large amount of food but without behaviors to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting.
  • A feeling of being out of control during the binge eating episodes.
  • Feelings of strong shame or guilt regarding the binge eating.
  • Indications that the binge eating is out of control, such as eating when not hungry, eating to the point of discomfort, or eating alone because of shame about the behavior.

Alright, now that we have that out of the way, basically binge eating disorder is in the same classification as Anorexia and Bulimia. It is actually the most common yet less talked about eating disorders out there, and most people that have it either hide it from you or don’t know that they have it themselves .

Have you ever eaten until you were so stuffed that you shouldn’t eat anymore but couldn’t stop yourself. Have you ever snuck into the kitchen and ate in hiding, hoping that no one would walk in so that you didn’t have to explain yourself? You feel this guilt and shame for eating so much but you don’t want to throw up and you can’t make yourself stop eating. You WANT to lose weight however, food is your comfort, food is your friend, it helps you get through everything. Good times, bad times. It is your best friend.

Let me tell you something now…..Go get help. Even if it’s from a friend at first. There may be a problem. You can make yourself sick, both mentally and physically. TRUST ME.

Binge Eating Disorder

I am not proud of eating that cake. I have struggled with BED my whole life. I have struggled with weight my whole life. I have always been that fat girl, I have always been that girl that had the sweet face. That great personality. With the way society was when i was younger being anything over a size 10 was wrong. What I have learned is that when you start to learn how to accept yourself and start to trust the people that care about you things do get better to deal with.

I am NOT proud of eating the cake. But I DID eat the cake. And for the first time in my life I am telling the world I ATE THE CAKE and DRANK THE MILK.

And today is a new day, with no cake…and lots of frozen grapes.

Shaye

xoxo

5fd0b73af0279c11592b62701c0455c8