Category Archives: Author

A New Beginning

I wrote my heart out of Friday night. Ink splattered across my fingertips as words flew across the page in angry slahes. Some bitter, some resentful, some sad. In the end, I was empty. I felt like I had finally gotten everything that had been filling me up for so long, out of my soul. Every nlock, every jam, every bit of feeling toward what had happened came out. It only took 11,00 words. I couldn’t tell you what they said. I know im my heart that my voice is raw. Part of me is numb and the other part empty. 

And now I am at the precipice of a new beginning. A jumping off point, that I thought I had found before. I realize that I had never fully embraced all that had happened and what was to be. And that it had left mt stuck somewhere that I couldn’t move from. Frozen in time, niether for the good nor the bad. Replaying what had been and to scared of what will be. That is over now.

I am ready to emrace what is. The right now. Today I face the world free from the ties that bind. Knowing in myself that I could not change the past. That I have learned from it. And in that I have griwn. I embrace who I’ve become, where I am going. I am thankful for what I have and where I’ve been. I know my journey isn’t over and it will never lead me back to what has already been. I am a person of worth, of substance, of vitality. I am full of love for those who surround my life with goodness. I will do all that I can to show the world all that I have to give. In mind, body and spirit.  I am enough. 

Day 2 – Love Your Life in 30 Days

Here we go guys. Onto Day 2 of this fun adventure. I had a really good time prioritizing what I really wanted to take forward with me into the New Year. Today is a little bit different but goes along with yesterday. I am feeling really positive about this.

Today we took the trip back home from where we were in NYC at my Mom’s house for the New Year. We had a great time and now we settle back into our daily routine I realized when I stepped through the door that there were a lot of things that I want to do. I want to clean out all the negative things in my life and really expand on the positive. I still have a lot of clutter from the past that I don’t need lingering around anymore. I can’t wait to step back into a few of the old routines but really start getting into new ones to start functioning in a more positive way. It is really going to be a great year!!!

Let’s see what is on the agenda for today shall we?

DAY 2: Create Your Theme(s)
Est. time: 7 minutes

Creating a theme helps you to nail down, stylize, and get excited about the changes that will soon be sweeping through your life. Choose a theme that resonates with you and write it down, using words that have special meaning to you. You may even wish to base it on one or more of your general areas for change from Day 1. Explain your theme’s importance and all of its fun ramifications. For example, if your theme is adventure that might mean: travel, trying new things, meeting new people, taking chances, exploring new places, leaving your comfort zone, and saying yes to new opportunities. You can even write down several themes and what each one means to you.

Here are some theme ideas:
• International world traveler
• Healthy, happy, and thriving
• Adventure, exploration, discovery
• Overflowing with abundance
• Living limitless and free
• Peace, harmony, and tranquility
• Living life to the fullest each day
• Making a difference in the world
• Creatively inspired and fulfilled
• Spiritually empowered
• The best year of my life
• Happily in love and loved

 

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Well let’s see the theme that I use to describe most of how I like to live is

Taking my sparkle back

This resonates to me because it encompasses all that I try to do in my life, with my health and my happiness. I had lost my sparkle a long time ago and I want to reach for the stars and get it back. So along with  TAKING MY SPARKLE BACK I am going to add the theme

Letting my well of creativity overflow with abundance

I want to use this year to let my creativity sparkle and shine. I want to let go of my fear that overwhelms and stops the flow of creativity. I want to let my creativity bring in the abundance that I know is in my future. So along with LETTING MY WELL OF CREATIVITY OVERFLOW WITH ABUNDANCE I am going to add one more thing theme that I think will round out all of my goals for the year and that is this

The best year of my life

That’s right, I am going to let the overall theme of this year be the best year of my life. I thin this theme is exactly right for the changes that will sweep through my life. And I have no doubts that it will be

THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!

 

So there you have it folks. My themes for this year. My day two. I hope this inspired you to think about your themes for the year and I hope your journey is going well. Take care of you and remember to leave a little sparkle wherever you go ❤

#tut30days

Day 1 -Love Your Life in 30 Days

So I signed up for this website www.tut.com and on it I found many interesting, wonderful and inspirational things. On it there’s this program to Love Your Life in 30 Days. There’s a FB group and notebook you can get to help you in your journey. I thought, why the hell not, what else have I got to lose? I have come so far from where I was a year ago, let’s go even further. 

I signed up for the group and introduced myself, told my story and posted my before and after pics. Over 600 likes and 220 comments later and I was blown away by the kinds, wisdom and support of strangers willing to take a chance on a girl whose words they just read on a screen. In lieu of the notebook I decided to blog my journey over the next 30 and share what I learn with you. If you feel so inclined, join me on this adventure, tell me how you’re doing, fill me in. I wish you luck, love and sparkles going into the next 30 Days 💖

DAY 1: TODAY write down at least 5 general areas of your life that you want to create change in and develop over the next year. 
Keeping your goals for change general is powerful because it gives the Universe power to orchestrate the details and figure out “how” your goals can manifest in the best way possible. On Day 3 you will have the chance to “dress up” these generalities with the juicy details that excite you!
Here are some examples of general areas for change: 

– Happiness

– Health

– Love

– Friendship

– Creativity

– Spirituality

– Adventure

– Abundance

My goals for change in the next year are as follows –

1. Health

2. Happiness

3. Abundance

4. Creativity

5. Adventure

There are goals within each of these goals that I think fit together. Some of these goals as I obtain them will, I believe, work together. But those are my top 5 goals for this upcoming year. 

Let’s see what tomorrow brings ☺

#tut30days

Weighing in on 2016 (I’ve come too far to turn back now)

​​The last #facetofacefriday of the year and I am looking at how far I’ve come. 

95 pounds down in 1 year. 95 pounds!!!

Starting weight -356 pounds

Current weight – 261 pounds

Sleeved – 9/26/2016


2016 has been quite a journey for me. Earth shattering lows that I thought I couldn’t possibly survive brought me more strength than I could ever imagine. This year has been a year of self discovery, change and learning how important #selflove really is. I have learned how important it is to look inside yourself and find your #innerstrength . I have found out how important it is to have a strong support system and surround yourself with the people that really care. As much as 2016 hurt it has made me that much more empowered. I am a #strongwoman a #proud #singlemom and looking forward to taking on 2017.  


Here’s to next year. A more fabulous me than I already am. Here’s to working hard, living life and sparkle thoughts. I can do it and so can you!

#motivation #lifegoals #verticalsleevegastrectomy #vsgcommunity #vsg #sleevelife

Tears of a child

It breaks my heart when they cry. when we’ve come so far but there is a moment, a song or a memory that takes them back to a place they used to we. More EXACTLY a place WE used to be. And this month holds no exceptions. This season holds no boundaries. Dates, books, songs, smells…all the things and promises that were made, that were left unfulfilled. The questions that were left unanswered. All the smiles that have faded, the laughter that has floated by with the wind. I feel helpless sometimes and all I can do is hold them. Promise them it will get easier, promise them a better tomorrow. Make new memories to wipe away the painful ones. Still their are traces of your fingerprints on their hearts. Your signature in their books. Your picture in their minds. I don’t know how to deny them your existence but if I could I would wipe you from their minds, a clean slate because the tears that spill is so fresh with pain. so full of hurt and innocence. It is as if you never realized or cared how much you damaged their fragile beating hearts. For shame that their first heartbreak will always be in the name of a father and not some silly person that meant less than nothing to them. The name Daddy etched in their hearts will forever be a sad cross to bear. Something you ruined in your selfish pursuit of something different. The tears of a child are something that one should never be to blame for. And my anger that rises as I wipe those tears away is only so laced by the fact that I know in my heart I can give them a better tomorrow now that you are gone. That  one day they will know what it is to love and be loved by someone who genuinely is going to be there for them forever. Who doesn’t break their promises and who answers all their questions with kind words and a gentle hand. My children will be ok and one day the heartache will quiet. This season may be long and cold but we will get through it together. And you, your heart will forever have a hole from the loss these beautiful souls.

Life after the Faerietale; View from the patio

The chalk that stained the concrete with pictures is nothing more than dust by now and the laughter has all but faded. The sheet that covers the bikes is now faded and torn and the furniture has a fine coat of dust or pollen on it from remaining unused this past season. A mere memory of what this place used to be, the joy that it used to hold. As my eyes scan the objects that remain on the stone patio a breath escapes my lips and I close my eyes remembering the day I saw it for the first time.

The sun was shining and the day was hot, the laughter of my daughter was music in the air as she moved from room to room inside the empty apartment. I had only been there ten minutes and already I knew it was going to be my home. As I stood beneath the awning of the low stone wall of the patio I envisioned the glass table where we could sit while we ate outside. I saw the kids drawing on the cement in chalk and blowing bubbles out on the grass. I pictured a small grill that we could use on days like the one we were having, when we would have people over to show them how happy we were. I imagined warm nights where we would sit outside and talk and laugh for hours just enjoying the air, the stars and each others company. Everything about this place screamed home but this patio, this patio screamed a future that gave me a smile I could not wipe away.

As I run my fingers over the glass table I remember the nights where conversation turned into arguments. I feel the smiles turn into tears and wince as I can almost feel their wetness hit the surface of the table as vividly as if it was happening right now. I force my eyes open so the sound of silence takes over the sound of anger and the wind rushes in to usher away the pain that happened so very long ago. My eyes catch something blue on the ground and I laugh, a piece of chalk yet to be ground into dust as the rest has been long since used up and I bend to write the kids names on the ground. As I admire my handiwork I smile and remember how many chalky footsteps covered the carpet after hours of drawings took place right here and thousands of memories were made. I let those memories seep in to replace the ones that try to hard to drag me down.

Taking a seat in a chair that has long since felt a warm body I idly draw in the dust on the table. Hope, dreams, forever…words I trace into the residue on the table. Words I believe in for me, for them and those words give me a strength that I know I have inside. I hear laughter in the house, this time I realize though that my house is already full. Full of love and warmth, the house which is already mine and I don’t have to reach out to grab that dream because I already have it. So what if the dream is different than when I held this moment for the first time. The laughter is still there, the opportunity to make memories worth smiling upon is on me now. I seize the moment to grab a rag and dust off the table. The words I drew are gone but the sentiment is till there. The sentiment to dream a new, the hope always, to love forever. The laughter in my house is sweet music to my ears and I look around at the patio with a glimmer of expectation in my heart. There will be laughter again, sweet memories to dwell on, chalk filled days and wish filled nights. I can feel it in my soul.

Igniting the Spark

Far be it from me to ever criticize someone for doing what they love. Okay, that is a lie. I do it all the time. for as much DBT as I go through I am still as judgey as they come and I will be the first to admit that. But I have realized in the past week how freeing it is to really fall in love with something you do and being someone that you are. The last weekend I have never felt so free in my life. Well, that is a lie too, I felt that way once before. When I went to a place of ultimate magic, when I went to New Orleans. It’s funny how the trip of a lifetime and a jaunt to a convention in Rhode Island could make me feel the exact same way but I assume it is a place and time thing. I was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time I needed to be there and that is what mattered.

I booked my tickets to Rhode Island Comic Con just a week out from y sleeve surgery, hoping that I would be tiny enough to fit into some fantastical cosplay creation that only my mind could dream up. I ended up going with jeans and a tee shirt. but jeans that were 5 sizes smaller than the ones I had started off in. Small victories right? I just needed the break. I needed to get away and finally do something that was just for me. It had nothing to do with the kids or being in PA. It just had to do with the fact that I hadn’t celebrated who I was in a really long time. Fuck if I know who I am half the time.

The weekend started off with me visiting a friend that I haven’t seen in 17 years. It ended with me in tears over a girl I had just met 24 hours before hand. I had bonded so close to another human being in 24 hours that it physically hurt to leave her side. Laugh if you will but I haven’t felt or allowed to feel myself that strength of emotion in a really long time. In between that, there was laughter and happiness. Smiles and giddiness. A sense of overwhelming freedom and magic. Everywhere I turned there was a lightness to my soul and a sense of wonderment in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel the burden of despair that weighs me down. For the first time in a long time, I felt as if I could do anything. Like the world really was at my fingertips. One weekend just to be me. To discover me. To reignite what was in my soul.

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In a mere three days, I realized a lot of things about myself. I realized that I have a big personality that I can;t keep bottled up no matter who wants me too. I realized that I deserve so much of what life has to offer no matter who doesn’t think so. I realized that my beauty is not only kept inside where I think it is but it does radiate on the outside even when I am not so sure of myself. I realized that I don’t want to be pent up anymore, I want to be let out into the world. I realized I want my children to have the world full of experiences and meet people that are not all like them because it is then that they will learn the meaning of love. I realized that I deserve to live my life the way I want to live my life and not by anyone else’s rules

I realized I was finally ready to start defying gravity instead of letting everyone hold me down anymore.

I came home and all the weight started pushing me down again. It’s really hard to push back, it’s really heavy and it’s a lot to deal with. But for the first time….I am NOT afraid to push back. My spark has been reignited. I am going to defy gravity damn it…

Oh and the list of stars that I rubbed elbows with because people keep asking

DJ Qualls
Thomas Nicholas
Christian Slater
Jefferey Dean Morgan
Alice Cooper
Stefan Kapicic
Falk Hentschel
Casper crump
 Brett dalton
 Arthur Darville
 Jason David frank
 Brianna Hildebrand
 Jim Parrack
Sean Pertwee
 Brent Spiner
 Mena Suvari
 Travis Aaron wade
 William Zabka
 Ian Ziering
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Election Day Aftermath (Politics through the eyes of a child)

​I had to wake up my children this morning and explain to them who had won the election. At 7 and 9 years old we had discussed some of the details of the candidates and what was going on. They groomed their opinions from what they had learned in school, from me and from the parts of the debates that I let them sit and watch. They had asked questions throughout the campaigns. They made me diligently fact check and research because I wanted to give them the best answers I could. Never in my life have I been so politically involved. My gorgeous babies really wanted to know what their future held. They wanted to know what these two people could possibly do that could shape the next year’s of the world they lived in. 
So as we stepped into our little voting booth yesterday and filled out those boxes, going over each choice, they were so proud to be part of something bigger than themselves. They fought to stay awake to see how the number changed. We discussed popular and electoral votes. We watched the news and listened to the discussions and as I began to get a sinking feeling I tucked them into bed with only the sweetest of dreams and hoped for their sakes for the best.
This morning I had to wake them up and explain to them that in the end their choice didn’t win. They had so very many questions that I had to carefully answer. Because I realized that my answers would not only impact them today but for the rest of their lives. You see they are scared. Scared of everything they heard. Scared for their friends, for the cute old people they love so much, scared for the country getting blown up because of a guy that’s so angry all the time. I explained to them that when you live in fear there is only fear. That is why you have to hope. Hope for the better days ahead. Keep fighting for what you believe in no matter what people say. When you are presented with a situation where there is a bully, you stand tall and don’t let that bully take you down. They were angry that people picked him over her. I explained to them being angry is exactly what he is. Fueling anger with anger doesn’t make the situation better. It only leads to another word which we don’t use in this house, hate. When you fuel a hate fire with more hate you are only going to get negatives. Instead of that,I told them, go show those you love, those you are scared for, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. That you love them. That no matter what, you have their backs. Loving those around you won’t undo the damage but it will cool down the hurt that everyone is feeling. I told them that now is the time we all need to stick together, because only now will we see how much stronger we are together. My words seemed to make them feel better. They are still unhappy but they are starting to understand a little more and I am starting to realize that they grow up way too fast. 
So to you I say this. I too am afraid and worried and even angry at what has happened. But I will not stand here in hate and anger. Instead I will tell you this. I have your backs, through everything, no matter what. And I love you. We got this #alwayskeepfighting #strongertogether #thisisformykids

Unexpected Connections


In a vast and changing world there  are days when the tides just pull you along. Your arms flail desperate to keep your head above water and not is all smooth sailing. On those days, as your gasping for air, you wonder if you will ever see the light again. If by some miracle you will ever come out on top.

They suddenly a ping. A low noise goes off like a beacon in dark and you are saved. The sun comes crashing through the darkest night and hits your face. The pale becomes rosy, the shadowed becomes sparkling, the number becomes warm. All is be washed in smiles because of a single kindness. A single thought.

Uneglected connection that you have been waiting on. Wacting for. Waiting by. DIsn’t even know you were searching. ALloyd these questions arise. Will it? Won’t it? Dare I? But you shove them away for the kindness of a smile. Your batter away the negativity especially surrounding where you are, whowever you are….ust for that feelinh. that feeling when you got. Whence you snuck iinto the routine. Whence you realized, that for the first time. In a long time. Your were the reason, for someone’s smile