Had too much time on my hands to think today. I contemplated when it is going to be my time. I realized that my time is now. No matter how lonely I get, I make the most of each day as best I can. One day, each day brings me closer to my faerietale. Even if it wasn’t exactly the way I would have written it. I must admit, there are days where I come home and I wish I had someone just to talk to, to share all to normality and oddness with. But I am content and happy in all that I’ve done and the choices I’ve made. I am at peace with myself in the life I have now. One day, the time will come, that another flame will add to my own. That day will be wonderful. Till them I will bufn brightly and inspire others to shine.
This was not the life I dreamt for you. As I look down on your faces, untouched by the burden of day to day life I see a world in which I pictured everything blissfully different. A house of our own, laughter every day, a yard for you to run around. I imagined strong arms that swept you up after a long day and wrestled with you as the day grew to night. Deep rumbling words filling your imagination as it ran wild into dreamland. I saw long adventures into the woods, onto the sands, with days spent filled with only what the minds eye could think up, never for a second worrying what would stop you. I pictured rooms filled with giggles, tiny hands making fingerprints on the walls and you never having to be alone. I never for a second thought of what tomorrow would bring. I never imagined life like this.
I didn’t realize it would ever be just us. The three musketeers bound by love and solidarity. I didn’t think it would be just me wiping the tears away or encouraging the smiles. I didn’t know I would be the one that filled all the roles in your young lives. I want to give you the world, all of it, wrapped up in a bow. To fill your lives with all the wonder and love your hearts could ever ask for, ever need. Never let you see how hard it is. But it is hard. I never planned for the Autism, the medication, the breakdowns. The working mom. The sibling rilvary. The alternate weekend split. I never wanted you to see me tired, anxious or scared. To feel the stress of how life can get to you sometimes. The realness of it all.
In all of this though, I look at your faces and realize I am doing something right. In the spaces in between. In the quiet moments. In the love that shines through. In the bond we have. We really do have it all. You astound me everyday with you intelligence, your kindness and your love. We may not have it all but we have enough. I may not be able to give you everything but you love me just as I am and that is the greatest gift of all. I know a love like no other. And it is the love I have for you. And that love is beyond all measure.
I wrote my heart out of Friday night. Ink splattered across my fingertips as words flew across the page in angry slahes. Some bitter, some resentful, some sad. In the end, I was empty. I felt like I had finally gotten everything that had been filling me up for so long, out of my soul. Every nlock, every jam, every bit of feeling toward what had happened came out. It only took 11,00 words. I couldn’t tell you what they said. I know im my heart that my voice is raw. Part of me is numb and the other part empty.
And now I am at the precipice of a new beginning. A jumping off point, that I thought I had found before. I realize that I had never fully embraced all that had happened and what was to be. And that it had left mt stuck somewhere that I couldn’t move from. Frozen in time, niether for the good nor the bad. Replaying what had been and to scared of what will be. That is over now.
I am ready to emrace what is. The right now. Today I face the world free from the ties that bind. Knowing in myself that I could not change the past. That I have learned from it. And in that I have griwn. I embrace who I’ve become, where I am going. I am thankful for what I have and where I’ve been. I know my journey isn’t over and it will never lead me back to what has already been. I am a person of worth, of substance, of vitality. I am full of love for those who surround my life with goodness. I will do all that I can to show the world all that I have to give. In mind, body and spirit. I am enough.
My mind races. It’s almost like I want to break out from behind these walls I’m in and yell “I’m here, I’m still here! Everything’s going to be ok!” But is It? Truly? I reach for the light, the fabled light at the end of this darkened tunnel. But I question if the tunnel was really ever that dark to begin with.
So much stuff has happened as of late. There has been so many things set in motion that I feel like I can’t keep up. And as much as I try to for appearances sake, it is when I’m alone that I want to curl up and cry. But I don’t. Is it fear? Is it the fact that I’m not really sad? The fact that I have more under control than I realize? Or the fact that I am actually doing everything in my power to make it work.
But I don’t feel like I am. I feel like I can do so much more. Be do much more. I think to the past. To what things could have been different and then I know that I can’t let that keep holding me back from what’s going on right now. But something still feels off. Unrealistic expectations for a future is always dreamed of.
A marriage, more kids, a house with a back yard. Things I can’t only wish once upon a December. But reality, reality crashes down on me and I have to radically accept what I have tight now. Wonderful smart amazing kids, food, a house and a chance to a have a future. That has to be enough.
Then, why the panic. Why the racing thoughts. Why the not sleeping. Could there be something I’m forgetting or leaving out.
My chance to dream isn’t over yet. But I’ve forgotten to pick up my pen and write those dreams down. For too long my words have gone unspoken and I yearn for an output, a way to grab onto something bigger, something more.
This too will pass, I will survive, I will thrive. I will let must feel as much as I can and not judge it because it’s ok to just feel. I will not continue onto that extra dose of caffeine that has become to much. And I will keep believing in something more. Because I will never give up on my own varietals. Our truest hearts desire is only but a wish away. I believe that, always.
A Facebook memory threw me for a loop today. A year ago I was so proud to fit into a size 26. Now I am over 110 pounds lighter and 10 sizes smaller. It is astounding to me to look at these photos and let it all sink in.
I have been sitting at a stall in losing for over two weeks and feeling quite diwn. I work out regularly, I’ve been keeping to a pretty steady diet and I don’t know where to shake it up. Do I add more protien, more veggies, tweak my routine? All these things need to be taken into account along with my state of mind. I am pushing myself in so many directions that I need to refocus myself on what’s vest for me. Undo stress and pressure aren’t helping me reach my goals. It’s time to stop letting self doubt and negativity creep in.
I’ve come so far and my journey forward is going to continue to be so rewarding.
Words elude me lately. Thoughts run through my mind and I can’t reach out to grasp the fast enough. The ink is left wet on the page before the next thought settles in. Too much life left to live. To many things left to do. And under it all still the possibility of doing it all alone. Is this a choice I’m making. Or a glaring mistake the universe made when it came to creating me. Only time can answer that question. There are no wounds left to heal. The scars have healed over, leaving ever present marks to scare off or enchant those who will notice them. But I am not afraid. Not afraid to let my real self shine. To know that I am allowed to not settle for second best, to be fierce in my choices be a useful I deserve more. I deserve to have the fire inside stoked. I will persevere. I will remain steadfast and loyal. To myself, to what remains and what is to be. I am remarkable. In this emotionally stunted world I can be my own light and if one shines brightly alongside me one day, I hope I see its glimmer strong and true. I yearn for that spark in the night. Until then, I shall sparkle on. And try to find the words.
Just trying to figure things out in my life. I’m working on it. Trying to stay as positive and sparkly as I can. Today’s activity actually helped a lot. It was about visualization as you will read below and today I really enjoyed that. I got down to the basics and really enjoyed my day, cut down on all the negative self talk and really took care of loving the little things. It was an amazing and I am looking forward to tomorrow where we spend the entire day unplugged and just spending time with each other.
Here’s to another sparkly day!!!!
The activities leading up to Day 7 have all dealt with pro-actively creating transformation. Now, it’s time to go on the defense by observing your thoughts, words, and actions. When you play detective in this way, you can quickly stem the tide of any self-made negativity that may cross your wires or contradict the initiatives you’re taking to spark change. TODAY, simply observe all that you’re thinking, saying, and physically doing. This will help you to understand some of your subliminal inner messaging. When you don’t like what you’re thinking, saying, or doing, then deliberately and lovingly craft a counter-message to immediately put to use.
So it has been a rough couple of days and I have fallen behind in this growing challenge. I have been totally sick and just haven’t felt like myself. A lot of things have crossed my mind and I have felt the task of contemplating them way beyond me as I have dealt with this illness. Insecurities have threatened to overwhelm my new point of view but I have battled through them. Onward and upward they say. Steadily losing weight, steadily gaining ground on a new perspective. Now if only I could get out and back to living in the real world instead of bundled up on the couch, maybe I would feel better.
There are so many things I want to do. So many goals I want to achieve but I feel so stifled. Whether it be for my own fear of tomorrows, of the unknown, of what’s to come or whether it be reality is yet to be determined. I am going to keep pushing through. I am going to keep sparkling. I am going to keep making this work. Because I can. Becuase I am able to. And because I fucking deserve it.
This activity is about planning which baby steps you can start taking in the direction of your goals. TODAY, choose one of your goals and beneath it write down at least 7 baby steps that you can start taking to move toward it. Ask yourself: What else can I try? Where else can I go? Who else can I talk to? You can do this for all of your goals if you like. Starting in the days and weeks ahead, begin to put these steps into practice.
- Go to sleep at a decent hour every night, that hour is yet to be determined but it is surely before midnight
- Make sure to say what is on my mind and no hold back when I am thinking something, it keeps me from showing how I really feel about things
- Make time to go to the gym at least four times a week
- Take at least ten minutes a day to just breathe
- Be honest with myself
- Know it’s ok to say no
- Be kind to myself
Here we are at day 5. Both kids and I are sick as dogs. We’ve spent the day on the couch, watching food network, cuddling and just trying to heal. I see stuff I have to do around the house and I have to admit I’m feeling a little defeated today. It could be the fever, the sick or the tired. Today is a visualization exercise. I have trouble with that in general but I hope that I can do it tonight when it counts so much. Wish me luck!
Day 5: Visualize – Imagine a Day in the Life You Dream of Living
Est. time: 5 minutes
Close your eyes for five minutes and imagine a typical day in the near future, once your priority areas for transformation have come to pass in the most exciting of ways (don’t worry about how such changes came to be). Imagine the sights, sounds, feelings, and conversations from such a day. Imagine how you feel when you wake up. Imagine celebrating. Imagine explaining the transformation to your friends. Imagine the sense of inner peace you will feel. Imagine where you might live. Imagine where you might vacation. Imagine what you might do for fun. Imagine what your new priorities for change will be. Imagine what your new challenges will be. Imagine all of it as if you are already living the life of your dreams.
So I posted my HUGE weightloss achievement in the group today. I have over 1.2k likes and over 200comments on it at the time I am writing things. I am going to post exactly what I wrote in the group because I am so humbled right now. I meant it to all those who follow and support me on my blog as well.
DAY 4: Showcase Your Inspiration
Est. time: 5 minutes
It’s important to create visual reminders of the goals you’re working toward. When you see a reminder of your goals in front of you each day, it starts to become a part of your reality. What reminders can you set up around your office, in your bedroom, on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror? Put something (or several things) up that will inspire you in the days and weeks ahead.
Here are some ideas:
• Hang up your list of priorities from Day 1.
• Hang up a photo or a quote that inspires you.
• Program your phone or computer to send you a positive reminder each day.
• Set your computer or phone wallpaper to an image that inspires you.
• Write a reminder to yourself: to be adventurous, to try something new each day, to channel loving energy into everything you do.
• Make a vision board with images of the life you want to create.