That’s the way I loved you Circa September 2009

First of all let me say this….It’s the dawning of a new era and I’m opening a new story book for all to read. I am blunt honest and will tell you exactly how I feel. I can’t hold back any longer, it has been too long…If you have a problem with that please don’t bother commenting, I won’t respond to you….

As I drove home from Virginia after clearing the last of my things from the attic of my old house, I had a lot of time to think. It has been three years since my life changed, three years since I was forced to grow up, three years to find out who I was. I realized how many things were amazing back then and how many things were screwed up. It was a surreal experiance to go back there and see everything that I once knew and grew to love. And honestly, other than to visit friends I don’t want to go back ever again. Covered in sweat and fiberglass and tears I realized that, that house held too many memories that broke my heart. My son’s nursery with the now fading paint. Remnants of my seemingly happy marriage strewn about. I realized I can’t hold onto the past anymore.

I have never had a whole CD that has made me think to the point of listening to it over and over again. Songs that brought back thoughts of people yes, but not a whole album. So as I listened to “Fearless” for the seventh or eighth time I knew that it was time to let o. I have such a bright future ahead I can’t keep holding on to the things that hurt me inside. I have two gorgeous children, the most wonderful family and the most incredible best friend i could ever ask for. I am truly blessed in the eyes of the goddess for the strength I hold inside.

I thought about who I am and what I want and I guess the best way to put it is like this….

I am neurotic and will be the first to admit that, sometimes I try and micro manage things that I shouldn’t have meddled with in the first place. I am a mommy that constantly second guess what she is doing. I am a woman who has been hurt so bad that I question how to approach people I could possibly have a connection with. I am insecure and scared of life, love and all that’s in between. It took me a lon time to realize that I was beautiful inside and out. I try and fix things and people that are broken. I loved to dance in the rain and take pictures when no one is looking. I take pleasure in watching a movie I have seen a thousand times over, just to see my kids light up as they experience it. I am terrified of the dark and jump out and go boo movies but I deal with them anyway. I balance books like a pro and can read up to 5 or 6 at a time and not get the storylines confused. I loved vampires before they were cool but I have always had a preference for faeries. I am a fag hag to the max and I don’t believe a day is complete without telling someone I love them. I don’t know how to approach someone and I am bad at breaking the ice, but if I like you I will talk your ear off. I leave my cards on the table and wear my heart on my sleeve, because I honestly believe that it is better to fall headfirst and get hurt then to never have the experiances you could have being too cautious. I smoke, and I want to quit but I know I am not ready to do so yet. I used to party and have a good time but when I see people doing it now, it just puts me off a little. I love to argue and debate and I am passionate about things that make people go hmmm….I deserve love and to be treated like a person, for I am not lower that anyone else. I can be incredibly shallow about silly things, but those who have made it into my heart are there forever. I am honest, I am tired of games and drama. I larp, I table top, I listen to country music and am not ashamed to admit that. Sometimes I stumble and think I push people away without meaning to. Most can’t handle my pro-activness….But that’s just who i am. i have a very large family and tho we have our differences I love them all to pieces. I have the greatest group of friends in the world. I talk, A LOT. My life is beginning to change and I would love to find that Prince Charming, because I still believe faerietales can come true. No matter how life has tried to dissuade me I am still a romantic and a dreamer. I should have a sign on my forehead that says “Caution, Slightly Damaged Goods; Handle With Care”.

I am ready to take my children by the hand and start my life, the way I want to live it and leave the past behind. And so it begins….

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