Just the way it is Circa March 2010

I am not writing this for sympathy, or for critiques or for it will get better comments. I am merely writing this because I have way too much on my mind and I guess I wanted to get it out. And i feel the need to have people know how I feel, because sometimes I think when people look at me they don’t actually see me.

I have sat on the couch all night watching cheesy reality shows and crying. Crying because I realized what and who I am and what and who I want and have found no means to get there. I am Shaye **** ****…yes **** my name isn’t actually hyphanated but when I joined FB there was no way to put maiden names in because we were all college students. I am 26 years old and a mother of two….

Wow…a mother of two, really puts things into perspective huh? I am a single mommy, separated not divorced from her best friend. We keep talking about divorce and it’s probably the best idea but it still makes me sick to my stomach. Not because I want to spend the rest of my life with Trip, but because I never wanted to be a statistic. I never wanted to be that girl, never wanted to have my life fall apart which for the past 3 years it seems to re-occuringly do.

I look at pictures of my friends getting drunk at parties and having a good time and I realize that I will never be part of that life again. It simultanious makes me laugh and cry. Because when i was that girl, I don;t think anyone knew or really liked the real me. I am so tired of noone knowing me.

I get upset that I will never get to do the things I want to in life, and then I look at my sleeping angels and realize that I could never want more than to make them proud of me. They have been bounced around from home to home, and it feels like we are nomads in this shithole of a world. Yes I said it, I feel the world is caving in and there is no saving it. Everytime I start to come out on top another thing gets thrown in the mix and I fall down to the bottle of a rocky hole, only to try and claw my way out again. I feel like I can never be good enough to be their mom. Maybe I did something really bad in a past life to have brought all this down on me but I guess i will never know.

I want the fantasy, the gorgeous knight in shining armor to carry me away in his arms and have us live happily ever after. I want a man who doesnt care if my three year old climbs into bed with us when he has a bad dream. Yet understands that until he can prove himself he cant make decisions in my kids life. i want someone who will laugh at my jokes but not at me, who wont make fun of me for being girly and understands that I hate being tickled. I am shallow, I want a looker…I want someone strong who will wrap me up in his arms when i am sad and understand that I just need to be held. Who wont mind making the extra effort to make me smile and hold my hand in public. I want a nice bad boy…But although i am a sweetheart I am not nice to nice guys. Maybe I feel like I deserve the worst ones in the bunch. Maybe it’s a pent up daddy issue, I dont fucking know but thats what I get.

I dont want to be afraid to say how I feel, afraid to fall, afraid to just let it be. Yes I am lonely…not for a relationship but for a partner. And it’s those times that I miss Trip. I miss how it was before it got all messed up…I wish things were different, and that things didnt go the way they did. Maybe I was young and stupid and should have waited to say I do. maybe I was to in love…but past is past… i want someone who wont be scared by reading this….

I believe in romance, and faerietales. i believe that the best men on earth are either taken or gay. And somewhere in there I believe that I will be alone forever. I am a romantic cynic…maybe you should just call me Miranda…I dont know anymore.

I just want to be a better me, I am smart and sarcastic and the best mom I can be. But that is never enough. I want to scream and cry and just hide under the blankets for an extra day. I need to get away. i need to believe again, but I dont know what to believe in anymore. And I realize this sounds like a whoa is me rant but I really don;t care.

I am tired of being the nice one, tired of waiting, tired of life shitting on me. I am tired of the judgement and feeling like I am old at 26. I am tired of thinking that I will never get a leg up in this world because of the choices I made…I am just tired…

I deserve better that what I have been given, and maybe I havent been truthful with everyone. Well that stops now, I need to tell you the truth. And unfortunatley the truth to a lot of people is that I have probably at some point in my life lied to you. I have probably loved you more than I could say. i have probably wanted to fix you. And I have probably talked behind your back. Wow…I am kinda mean…maybe I do deserve this…

over analyzing wont fix the problem…being honest will..So here’s your chance, let me be honest…Anyone? No really I will…And you may get mad, or hate mee, or run far away screaming…but maybe you will finally see…who i am

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