Hi I’m Shaye and my son is Autistic Circa Sept 2009

Autism, I have always been aware of it….But it was never a scary concept to me, until I started losing my son. Thankfully through EI he will be receiving help and hopefully be able to go to a regular school. We ad a melt down today, in the WIC office…and as I held him tight and rocked him till it subsided I realized how much my life has changed and just how different I am. Now, I don’t plan on going into details about how or why but this crisp autumn day covered over with a bit of gloom. These kids, MY kids, are my whole world. And I wouldn’t have it any other way….But I’m alone, which in itself brings on all kinds of thoughts. Now people may judge single mothers, but can I tell you that not all of them are single by choice. It isnt like I slept around and don’t know who my kids father is. I was very much in love and married when both of my children were conceived. They are my happy miracles considering I never thought I would have kids. And then he left, because marriage wasn’t for him, or he needed freedom or he just wanted something else. The lonliness subsided a while ago but I ponder it today, because I truly felt alone. I will be the one at the baseball games and dance recitals, the one who holds them close during a storm and wipes away thier tears. The one for the birthday cakes and first dates. The doctor visits and the parent teacher meetings. I am their whole world….but who is going to hold me. Sometimes I dont want to be strong, I want a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. I want to share these precious memories with someone who actually cares ya know? I want that person to lean on when i get news like I did yesterday. I want someone for them to look up to. Who knows if there will ever be that someone, but that is why…on this gorgeous autumn day…I am sad

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