Guilt – Circa FB Sept 7 2011

*I wrote this today, because everyone keeps asking me what is going on. I would appreciate no negative comments. If you wanna talk to me about it go ahead, if you want to feel sorry for me please try not to, I will pull through just like I always do. I just needed to vent*

 

Guilt…profound, helpless, worthless guilt. A good friend(who no longer talks to me) once said, if you don’t like the way something is going in your life then change it. Well, i tried. I took the bull by the horns and started going back to school. I was able to save and scrimp on taking my kids on a vacation we have never had and at that point things were doing….Good. I want to say they were getting back into great. The boy and I working out our differences, the ex and I finally parting ways. And it was good, then I got fired. And with that came a whirlwind, cyclonic twister of shit that hasn’t stopped. It’s September the 7th 2011. I have nothing left on my food stamp card, I don’t qualify for cash assistance because my child support payments are too high(going to the day care and for diapers for the littles), my WIC checks are out (which as long as the CAP office doesn’t flood tomorrow we will have them renewed), I have drained every last penny out of my accounts to pay my rent (and had to borrow some and it STILL isn’t all paid), I poured out my coin jar to cash in the measly 14 bucks with which went straight into rent. I finally got my meds back (which isn’t helping that I haven’t had them in 3 days, not that it would have made me any less upset). Guilty that I went away for the weekend and cost us money to take us home, guilty that I had to ask people for money, guilty that I got fired too early for unemployment, guilty that my newest job is part time and I haven’t started yet. Guilty that my boyfriend is working his fingers to the bone, but because of our car situation isn’t doing all he can be (which is my fault because  I have to get my appointments in during the weeks). Guilty that I feel like I maybe should’ve done vacation another year and used that money more wisely. Guilty that I couldn’t put my foot down and demand payment for almost 6 months of sleeping on my couch. Guilty that I could’ve taken more vitamins and given the kids more vitamins and been sick less so I could have worked more. Guilty that I left a good job in order to be closer to home only to have that all ripped away from me because apparently I wasn’t a good teacher. Guilty that now I am frantic about doing classwork and shutting everyone else out. Guilty that I don’t believe it anymore when people say they want to help. Guilty for having to ask for help. Guilty that I can’t provide for my family. And as the floodwaters rise my thoughts sink deeper into the muck and I don’t even know which way is up. All this rain is making me panic, doubtful we will get any in our house(except for the leak in the ceiling) but still panicking. Guilty that there are people I refuse to talk to and still had the audacity to ask for money. Guilty that I have had to borrow money for my fuck ups. Let’s see…..320 for rent….120 for electric….100 for cable….72 for car insurance….that is almost 600 dollars that I still need to put together before the 12th. How did this even happen. I had such a grasp on things and yet now….maybe I don’t know…anything I have to say I would just feel bad about later. I’ve taken to selling things that mean things to me. I have half of my  collectors things on eBay and craigslist, I’ve tried to sell my comics to no avail. I wonder what it will take to make it through this mess, but I really don’t know. and Now I’ve had all of you read this. Because you keep wanting to know what is going on in my life. And all I’ve done is made you feel sorry for me….I didn’t mean to, I was just being honest. Don’t worry, though, it’s just another thing to feel guilty about…..

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