GK Circa August 2011

I saw a butterfly today, one of the biggest I had ever seen. painted yellow and black, it stopped a moment as if to say hi, then continued on it’s way to a place where far more flowers lie. Faded memories begin to brighten once again and I feel the ever growing hurt in my soul. I look into my childrens eyes, I feel them snuggle into my arms, I sing to them songs that we sung long ago and something is always missing. I remember going into your office, and how you laughed at how I always remembered Olivia’s name because I filed her chart so many times, I felt like a grown up everytime we went to the nail salon, and a princess everytime we had one of our days. I remember arguing the reasons why we should never ever listen to the Three Tenors, and how my heart broke when you said you wouldn’t see Cabaret with me. You did it to teach me a lesson, that was the first time Mom and I really got to have us time. It was the first time I saw my Mother as more than just my Mom but as a friend. And I was mad at you for not going with me, thinking back on it, I am thankful I got to share it with my Mom. I remember how you blushed when Brian from the stardust sang I can’t help falling in love with you as you danced on your birthday at the Stardust. I remembered that you were so much better at skeeball than I was, but it was ok because you let me eat most of your french fries. I remember the smell of your house, the lay out of your rooms and how I couldn’t rock out too hard to Summertime Blue’s or I would shake your glass wall unti. I remember watching old Winnie the Pooh and Under the Umbrella Tree on your TV. I rest my head as I type this against the headboard of the bed we use to snuggle in until we fell asleep. I cuddle your Cabbage Patch Kid doll so tight because I remember exactly where it sat on your rocking chair. I wonder what ever happened to that amazing jewlery box that played send in the clowns, and if you ever gave the recipie for your salmon croquettes to anyone. I found the pic you and I made in my jewlery box and laughed because it looked so professional. Everyday I watch  my children grom and know how you would have delighted in their smiles. Everyday I sit here and wonder why you never got to. Was it because you didnt want me to be sick so you asked for the pain to be taken on you. Or was it because you had some greater purpose than the angel you already were. I regret not seeing you more in the end, and how I didn’t call as much as I should have. They say that the pain goes away after a while, but it still hurts so much. I get mad because you can’t hold my hand through everything. I remember the way you smell, that awful brown shmata you wore when you got out of the shower and how I loved to stand in your hallway and look at all the pictures. I want a straw dispenser and a gumball machine. I want a frigidaire just because you had one. More than anything I want to hear you voice again, I want you to wrap me in your arms and tell me all will be alright with the world. I want you to share my children with me and I want you to call me just when I think I can’t make it through. I am still waiting to wake up from this awful nightmare that you aren;t around and I can’t. You were my best friend. You were the person that told me I coul do anything. You were the reason my name is Shaina Maidel of the World. Youa re the wind beneath my wings. Everyday I try to do something that I know would make you proud. But tonight I would be content with falling asleep to the sound of your voice. 8 years tomorrow and still it seems like an eternity. I miss you so my GK. I love you with all that I am and will ever be.

 

Love,

Your #1

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