Underneath the Surface

My soul feels ripped open. I feel exposed to the world unlike anything I have ever felt before and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I feel raw, like salt rubbed into an open cut or more appropriately, like too much hand sanitizer when you have fresh papercut that you didn’t know about. This holiday season is really dragging me down.

I have never been alone before. Without my kids. Without someone to hold me. I feel like it is the first time and it really is. I am not sure what to do without myself. Christmas lists left unattended. Presents left unbought and I am without hope on what to get. The person most important in my life is left presentless because I have no idea what to buy her. Years of friendship and I have not a clue what would make her smile. Not because I don;t know what has made her smile in the past but because I am flooded with too much emotion. Too much of the past comes rushing at me and it is a cacophony of feelings and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. So that is what I am doing. Crying. The kids are playing video games and I sit on the couch and weep because I am left helpless. I do not know what else to do. I sit here and wonder where I lost it all really. How I became a good luck charm to those in my past. I find myself invalidating all of the goodness I have done for myself and I realize that it is just holding me back from all the good I can do in the future. I realize I am backpedaling but am helpless in the moment to stop it. I know I know use my skills. Reevaluate. Don’t judge. But fuck all if that works right now in the moment. I grieve for all that I have lost. All the chances I have left behind. I wonder for the future. Am I doing what was right. What could I have done better. Could I have done any of it better. Are the pictures blurred because of the camera or the tears that drip down my cheeks. I don;t know anymore. I just really feel helpless. I will pull myself out of this. The snow that falls will make the day seem bright again. But for tonight I will let the pain drip out of me as I should have done in the past. Only then can I pick myself up again and really make tomorrow a better day. Only then will I know that I am whole again. I have to take the advice of those whom I should have listened to before. I deserve to mourn for what I have lost. Becuase it is then when I will figure out what I have truly found. Then I can celebrate all that I have achieved. Tomorrow I will begin anew.

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