The last #facetofacefriday of the year and I am looking at how far I’ve come.
95 pounds down in 1 year. 95 pounds!!!
Starting weight -356 pounds
Current weight – 261 pounds
Sleeved – 9/26/2016
2016 has been quite a journey for me. Earth shattering lows that I thought I couldn’t possibly survive brought me more strength than I could ever imagine. This year has been a year of self discovery, change and learning how important #selflove really is. I have learned how important it is to look inside yourself and find your #innerstrength . I have found out how important it is to have a strong support system and surround yourself with the people that really care. As much as 2016 hurt it has made me that much more empowered. I am a #strongwoman a #proud #singlemom and looking forward to taking on 2017.
Here’s to next year. A more fabulous me than I already am. Here’s to working hard, living life and sparkle thoughts. I can do it and so can you!
#motivation #lifegoals #verticalsleevegastrectomy #vsgcommunity #vsg #sleevelife
There was only a short moment of video time to light the candles on the first night of Chanukah. There were no little voices on Christmas morning. No bright eyes or happy smiles to delight in the joy that Santa brought. My soul is missing their sweet faces. My heart is aching for them. Hours after I woke up I heard them for a few brief minutes. I tried to pile on the love as they distracted lyrics told me of all the joy he brought while they were there. Over a hundred miles away.
I try to take solace in the fact that in two days they will be back in my arms. That we will still celebrate and it is only a day we missed not the spirit of the season. But I won’t lie, it’s not the same. To spend so much time raising to wonderful, amazing children and not be able to partake in their excitement hurts to the core. To have to split their lives in two, though logical is hard. And I want them to experience both sides of their parentage. I want them to know they are loved all over. I want them to know how many lives their being alive touches. But selfishly, I want them all for myself. They are my joy, my world and the light of my life. I am so proud to be their Mama. And this holiday season, this empty home has been hard on the heart. I can’t wait for them to come home.
The enormity of the memories that swarm around today just overtook me and I want to crawl out of the rockslide that just buried me. I remember everything. The laughter, the kisses, the sparkle in your eyes as you took my hands in your own and promised me forever. I remember how I held forever tighly in the palm of my hand but it slipped away like tiny grains of sand in an hourglass. I wonder where the time went. Two years, it would have been two years. Funny but I can’t remember the sound of your voice. Right now I would give anything to hear you say Good Morning Beautiful. Yet in the same breath I am so happy that I can’t. I know it would send me into a heart-shattering tail spin that I have finally been able to heal from. I can finally open my eyes each morning and not feel the heavy weight on my chest of you not being around. I don;t look to the pillow next to me just to watch you sleep. I don;t expect the texts during the day. Or wait for you to come home at night. I don;t wonder every moment how your day has been. I don’t ask myself every day what you could be doing at that second. You cross my mind from time to time, sometimes in anger but most of the time as a passing thought and I wish for you to be ok. I wonder if you wonder about me, the kids, the life you left behind. But days like this, the biggest of our lives, somewhere deep within my heart it resonates that you could be thinking of me too. I think about the things I could have gotten you, the words we would have spoken, the smiles we would have shared. What I would have made for dinner, what plans we would have come up with, if we would still be kissing like the first time we ever did. I remember how we were so excited to have made it through the first year and looked forward to so many to come. And then it was over, as if it had only been a dream really. A slow slide into fantasy for but a shimmering second. A trip but as quick and as brief into the Mistwood. One that can only happen once upon a December. I cannot hold anger anymore, it is too uch a weight to bear. But I hold a sadness there, that what we had, what we lived, what we felt was never cherished enough. That people only get to feel it but a few times in their lifetime and we let it pass us by. It’s days like these that I hope for you. I hope you found your simple life, the life that makes you the happiest, because I remember that smile, when we were at our happiest. On days like today when nothing could stop us. I cherish those memories. I cherish us, what we had and went through. The anniversary of our life together. The anniversary of my broken heart. I can’t remember your voice anymore. But I remember what your soul felt like. And for that I will always love you. I wish you all the best. Happy anniversary Charming.
My soul feels ripped open. I feel exposed to the world unlike anything I have ever felt before and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I feel raw, like salt rubbed into an open cut or more appropriately, like too much hand sanitizer when you have fresh papercut that you didn’t know about. This holiday season is really dragging me down.
I have never been alone before. Without my kids. Without someone to hold me. I feel like it is the first time and it really is. I am not sure what to do without myself. Christmas lists left unattended. Presents left unbought and I am without hope on what to get. The person most important in my life is left presentless because I have no idea what to buy her. Years of friendship and I have not a clue what would make her smile. Not because I don;t know what has made her smile in the past but because I am flooded with too much emotion. Too much of the past comes rushing at me and it is a cacophony of feelings and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. So that is what I am doing. Crying. The kids are playing video games and I sit on the couch and weep because I am left helpless. I do not know what else to do. I sit here and wonder where I lost it all really. How I became a good luck charm to those in my past. I find myself invalidating all of the goodness I have done for myself and I realize that it is just holding me back from all the good I can do in the future. I realize I am backpedaling but am helpless in the moment to stop it. I know I know use my skills. Reevaluate. Don’t judge. But fuck all if that works right now in the moment. I grieve for all that I have lost. All the chances I have left behind. I wonder for the future. Am I doing what was right. What could I have done better. Could I have done any of it better. Are the pictures blurred because of the camera or the tears that drip down my cheeks. I don;t know anymore. I just really feel helpless. I will pull myself out of this. The snow that falls will make the day seem bright again. But for tonight I will let the pain drip out of me as I should have done in the past. Only then can I pick myself up again and really make tomorrow a better day. Only then will I know that I am whole again. I have to take the advice of those whom I should have listened to before. I deserve to mourn for what I have lost. Becuase it is then when I will figure out what I have truly found. Then I can celebrate all that I have achieved. Tomorrow I will begin anew.
I used my words harshly today. I didn’t mean to, it was just the way they came out. I admonished instead of explaining. I scolded instead of entertaining the idea that the meaning of what was said was misunderstood. In brought down instead of listing up. I sent him off to school with out a smile on his face and now I feel a profound sense of guilt.
As a parent I know that it is easier to jump in at any moment and criticize instead of taking the time to understand. You get caught up in what is going on that instead of reaching out and finding the child within yourself you look at it at without taking the time to break it down as if you were the child yourself. It is one of our biggest fats. It rips our children to shreds as it can tear apart their small psyches. I try to not jump onto the bandwagon but sometimes I slip, this morning was one of those times.
I find it lately, specially during this time of year I get so caught up in my own head that I forget my mood effects theirs. They want my attention and love and I am just looking for an escape from the memory of yesteryear. I have not been paying the best attention to the world around me. But they are my world. I need to pull myself out of this funk. I need to put my priorities back in line. Catch up on what counts. Write more, sleep less. Stop letting the memories burden me and really just enjoy the now. Speak gently and let those snap judgements fall away. Later I’ll apologize for my harsh words and though I know I’ll be forgiven I hope that I didn’t leave a permanent mark.
Be kind to yourself and to others