Monthly Archives: October 2016

Unexpected Connections


In a vast and changing world there  are days when the tides just pull you along. Your arms flail desperate to keep your head above water and not is all smooth sailing. On those days, as your gasping for air, you wonder if you will ever see the light again. If by some miracle you will ever come out on top.

They suddenly a ping. A low noise goes off like a beacon in dark and you are saved. The sun comes crashing through the darkest night and hits your face. The pale becomes rosy, the shadowed becomes sparkling, the number becomes warm. All is be washed in smiles because of a single kindness. A single thought.

Uneglected connection that you have been waiting on. Wacting for. Waiting by. DIsn’t even know you were searching. ALloyd these questions arise. Will it? Won’t it? Dare I? But you shove them away for the kindness of a smile. Your batter away the negativity especially surrounding where you are, whowever you are….ust for that feelinh. that feeling when you got. Whence you snuck iinto the routine. Whence you realized, that for the first time. In a long time. Your were the reason, for someone’s smile

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Watch “Don’t Laugh At Me – Buchanan Elementary” on YouTube

Today my children’s school had their Anti-Bullying Kickoff. The entire school performed the song “Don’t Laugh at Me”. They have been practicing since the beginning of the year and to hear all those little voices come together to stand against something that touches so many was so moving. I sit here even now, in tears as I listen to them in chorus. It was a beautiful and moving few minutes and I hope you enjoy it as much as we all did. ❤

Why I won’t go to PTO meetings…I’ll always be the odd Mom out.

The first time I stepped foot on that playground, I felt as if I was in a whole new world. Sure my baby was entering Kindergarten, but it was like a new world for me to. There were so many new people that I didn’t know. Plastering a smile on my face, I held fast to my scared little boys hand not letting him see the fear in my own eyes. After he was in and settled, I lingered there for the parents meet and greet. Since I was new to the are, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to start to make friends with the people whose children nine would grow and k earn with. I was so excited that these were the parents who would stand beside me as we faced trials and tribulations together. I had visions of fundraisers, sporting events, school dances in my head. Moments later, my visions were crushed and I went home with my pride limping behind me. Everywhere I turned I was snubbed, from the Moms in pj pants with slippers to the ones in the jeans and rock shirts and the ones dressed for work, not one of them glanced my way. My smile was met with a forced show of teeth, bared as if to pounce. My words cut off suitably shorts. My greetings falling on deaf ears. Did I say someth I ng wrong? Did I smell funny? Dress too out if place? I couldn’t figure it out. Chalking it up to first day jitters I limped my pride home and was ever so hopefully for day two.

The days came and went like the ones before. It didn’t matter what I wore, how enthusiastic I was or what I had to say. These women had known each other for ages or just didn’t need a new person invading their territory. I began to blame myself for the fact that my son never brought home friends. Because his Mom was a little too different. A little to single. A little too New York. I tried again two years later, when my daughter joined him in school. I went to my first PTO meeting. But the results weren’t much better. I spoke a little too much, my ideas were a little too strange, I was a little too much. So I began to make up excuses not to go. They never asked for a reason but it made me feel better just in case any of them cared, I knew they didn’t. 

When I moved into a new neighborhood I thought things would get better. I never realized how wrong I would be. My kids still go to the same school. But now the stakes are up. Because I don’t fit into the socioeconomic structure of where I live. I get by because I fight to do it. My kids are put first because that’s where I put them. But the cold shoulders never seem to cease. It’s like I have taken out an add for an airplane that Flys overhead with the sign that says outcast her perpetually over my head. My efforts to fit in have fallen to the wayside. I am just not part of the cool Moms club. I don’t go to PTO meets and don’t discuss plans with other Moms. There are no hang outs or coffee dates because really why would I sit around to be ignored. And on regular days, I am ok with being the odd Mom out. 

But today is the anti bullying rally. Something I have brought up time and time again. I was supposed to have a large role in it. And once again I was passed over. Now instead of being a part of the assembly I am passing out stickers. Because that’s what they really need me to do. Out of everything I could have done. Stickers. Because I am not a PTO Mom. Even though the teachers know me. And that I am a champion for the cause. Stickers. Because the popular girls are more popular. Now you tell me how that’s not bullying. How that doesn’t make a person feel invalidated. You tell me I’m wrong. 

I believe in this cause because I am the odd one out. And it hurts and feels bad and makes your heart break. And that’s what my heart is. Broken. This is not the side I show my kids. This is not what adults should do. But adults can be bullies too. Im stronger than what anyone can throw at me. Im know in my heart i am a good person and a good Mom. I dont have to change myself to fut into a stereotype to meet what they need me to be. This is why I’ll never step foot inside a PTO meeting again.

In the middle of a memory

The leaves are in the middle of their change. Stuck between green and red. Some orange and amber. Other the brightest yellow the eyes can see. The wind is starting to crisp and the air…the air is tumbling across our senses with the smells of love. The smells of spices and Woodstock. Of warmth and cider. Of nights yearning to be copied up in our hoodies just aching to be scared around fires full of laughter. It’s the time of the year that I look forward to. The time of the year I feel free. The time of the year my smiles are big and my arms open wide to accept the hugs of the giggles of Littles after a full day of pumpkin picking and candied apples…

But I’m stick. Up swept by emotion I can quite grasp, and as much as I want to smile I want to scream. As much as I want out I want this season to pass. As many things as I want to do the memories all tie to those two perfect years that I made them with you. And I can erase and erase and smile through and still they settle into the minds of the children. And there’s nothing I can do. You’ve resurfaced. There’s been questions of which I have no answers. Only to talk about you in the past. As if you’ve died and been buried like those we’ve had to say goodbye to. And that’s sad, that you’ve become a corpse. Just another memory. When you could have stayed so much more to them. To all of us. And you chose instead to commit and act so heinous it only equates to death. 

So we bury you, a few times a week. For you are not that far under the ground. We lay flowers at your site and move on ahain. Rebuilding out lives on top of what you left of us. I am determined to do these things without you. Though it tears at my heartstrings so. The colors are not as vibrant and the wind not so sweet. But I will still love this time I have. This is my season. These are my days. I will fight forward and one day I will be free…from the middle of a memory

If you ask me

I can’t promise you the answers

If you ask me what is wrong

I can’t promise I can do it

If you tell me to be strong

The days are going slowly

Dragging by silently

I sit and watch the clock

My mind begging to be free

I wish I knew what was happening

Why I just can’t be free

Of the hidden pain and judgement

Of the wrongs that were done to me

Everytime I think I’ve done it

That I’ve finally moved on

I get this sharp painful reminder

That it hasn’t been so long

But I’ll just keep pushing forward

Because I refuse to be held down

I’ll keep fighting this feeling

I’m going to stand my ground

I deserve to just be happy

to let my wings fly free

I am going to live my life now

And somehow finally find me

Take back those words

Can we take back all the words that I have said that were cruel and unusual in the past 24 hours? Not just to others but you myself as well. Take back the pain, the hurt. The frustration , the tears. Can we hold on to the precious few moments that I felt like I was doing something of value instead of screwing up everything I set my mind, my hands, my eyes my heart to?

Can I know where the messages in my brain came that nothing was good enough. That all of a sudden I was this failure. Can you fix those short circuit ingredients wires and replace them in my head. Can you dry up the tears that fell from my cheeks as I cried over the fact that I wasn’t good enough for them, to cherish their laughter, to deserve their sticky kisses. Those thoughts don’t belong here anymore.

Long have I worked to prove to myself that I could make it through the hardships. Long have I toiled, re-education my brain to prove to myself I was worthy of everything I had put so much effort towards. But today…yesterday. feels like all that effort was in vain.

Black stormy clouds took over my head and down I sank. Clawing my way to some sense of peace. That I was going to be ok. To stop judging. To picking away at parts of myself that had scarred over. I struggled through the day just to fall into a restless sleep.

And upon awake the cloud not black but grey. Could I make it through. Would the sunshine and push away the sorrow that and stole my peace. I’m fighting. Fighting so hard. Counting the blessings.

Kids

Healthy

Writing

Sparkles

Home

Food

Family

But I feel unworthy. Why. Why is the question. I have no answers. No answers but I’m pushing through. Just have to make it. Make it till Thierry smiles can chase the clouds away once more. I’ll get there.

So many changes. Changes provoking thoughts. Thoughts pushing me so hard. But my body isn’t ready. Rest. Rest. I will be strong enough to do what I have to. In time. Not all at once. Shhh. Rest now. I will get through this. I will get through

Sparkle thoughts

A WHole New World (Post surgery update)

Hey there out there!!!! How are you on this bright sunny day! I sure sound sparkly , don’t I? Well, I feel it, save for the soreness, the tiredness, and the itchy incisions…I feel like my life has been started over again!!! First and foremost let’s do a little copy and paste from what I wrote on Facebook because I want you to know that the sentiments I carry over there are just as much as the ones I have here. and then I’ll fill ya in on all the gory details.

A week ago I had a life-changing surgery. I have taken the past week to heal, reflect and really take in all the changes not only my body but my mind, heart, and soul were going through. It has been a long road to get here and I have come so far. I reflect on all the upward battles I have climbed, the tears I have cried and the work I have put in throughout this journey. I am so proud of where I am now and the story that I am just beginning to write. I thank all of you for your support, love and sparkle thoughts throughout all of this.

Starting this journey I was 356lbs. At the time of surgery on 9/26/2016 I was 309lbs. I am now 296lbs. I am under 300lbs for the first time since 2014. I am just getting started!

There ya go….I am just getting started, everyone. This is just the first week in my journey and it is so positive that I could sing. I haven’t done that yet, maybe I should. As long as it didn’t interrupt my new sleeve pal. So here’s how everything went down. My surgery was a little more complicated than they had expected. The doctor drew a picture and I added to it so that I could describe it a little better for you. (He thinks this is his big break to stardom!!!)

So let’s talk about my medicated labels….in purple Indent from lap band, in blue Very narrow opening, in pink Shaded part is gone.

So because I had a lap band placed before and my old surgeon placed it rather high there was a lot of scar tissue and a very narrow opening at the top of my belly. A lot of times this will deter a surgeon from doing sleeve surgery as it can make things rather tricky. Because of how well I have followed the rules and how much he believed in me, my wonderful surgeon cut away the scar tissue and made me a short and very distinctive sleeve. My sleeve has a very narrow opening on top and just a little ways in has a divot that makes the sleeve even narrower. The divot is scarred there because of the lap band and right now due to inflammation makes it semi-difficult to get any amount of liquids in a short sitting time. SO  have to take extra time and care to make sure I hit my protein and hydration goals. So what we are looking at is a sleeve that almost acts like a band at some points. It will be a distinctive thing for probably the rest of my life with w a little more restriction in that I may not be able to get away with “cheating” on my healthy eating. You know what, I happy about that! The less ways I can get around doing what I am supposed to do, the better! Don’t you think?

Anyway, at my post op visit yesterday he looked at my belly and said I was healing nicely. I told him My stomach looked like a sad old man. Or that I got into a knife fight in the dark. He told me I wounded him with my words. What do you think?

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Fun fact, my stomach got taken out of incision 1. It is one of the smaller ones but it had such a big job!!!!! Also, my stomach was still full of all the air and gas they filled I with so that they could get in there and look around.

So to round out my hospital tale, I was only supposed to be in there overnight. I was there 3 days. My pain tolerance isn’t very high but because there was so much scar tissue there was a lot more pain involved. My case is not your average everyday case, one of my sleeve sisters was up and moving the next day.

So here I am a week out. I am walking around. Attempting to get in all 64 plus ounces of water and at LEAST 60 grams of protein in. I am not allowed to drive until I am off my pain meds so that will take another day or two. I have already dropped a ton of weight.

Some NSV (Nonscale victories) that have been attained….I can sit more comfortably in a seatbelt. I don’t have to tilt the camera as far up not to have my face look funny in selfies. My pants that I bought pre-surgery that were too tight are nice as baggy on me now (the drawstring post surgery pants). My shirts are fitting in the sleeves and not as tight on the chest. I FEEL better!

And the big thing that has really begun o process for me is my mindset. I have really looked at this as a new start to everything. I have taken each day as it comes, processing old feelings away and really focusing on what lay ahead. I am not letting the things from my past bog me down anymore, why? because this is my chance at a whole new life. A healthy life for myself, my kids and our entire future. A lot of things are in the works for us and it only gets better from here. I hope your day is magical!

Sparkle Sparkle!

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