Surgery day is upon us! Catch ya’ll on the flip side!!!
Well ya’ll, in less than 12 hours I will be horned, iv’d and ready to be rolled into that sterile room for one of the biggest days of my life. I have waited so long for this moment and worked so very hard and I can’t believe that the day is finally here. As I sit here eating a sugar free ice pop, while my house is filled with the smell of homemade pasta sauce and salad I realize how very lucky I am. I’m lucky to have a house filled with support and love, I’m lucky to have the support of you out there, I’m lucky to be able to take this step forward in confidence knowing I will succeed. No matter what has happened and what will come to pass, this journey is worth everything I have gone through to get here. Tomorrow I start not just a new chapter but a whole new story in my life. I am starting this story with a fresh outlook, a fresh perspective and an enthusiasm that can not be matched. Tomorrow my new life begins, my journey towards a healthy, happy future for myself and my children. Can’t wait to get this party started!
Check in with ya in the morning!!!
I’m just having a bad day. Isn’t a girl allowed to have a bad day? For no reason other than she woke up sad. There’s a lot if things going on and I’m having a bad day. I feel scared, alone, exhausted. I feel netvous anxious. I feel like the tears are coming from no where and I can’t explain them. You ask me why and I say I don’t know. I can’t tell you why I feel this way. I can tell you the kids are just fine. This has nothing to do with my miraculous little creatutes. This has nothing to do with their father. He’s alrite in my book too.
This has to do with the fact that I feel so very alone. That words and memories and songs keep playing through my head like faded memories and I can’t make themstop. I can make them go away. That I’m fighting this battle, this amazing, fantastic journey and I’m doing it all alone. And yes I’m fucking proud of nyself. It has nothing to do with pride. It has to do with I wish I had someone to hold my hand. To tell me ill be ok. To hold me through my what if and im scareds. To tell me they were right there beside me all along and you know what I don’t. And I’m mad. And I’m sad. And yes I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to want to curl up and be held and just worry for a little while.
I have all these emotions. I’m feeling all these things. This year’s has been so hard and I’ve been through so much already. And yes this is my journey, my step towards a better me, a healthier me, a new life. But I’m fucking scared. I’m scared that this is how it with always be. An uphill battle. Me against the world. With nothing soft to come home to. I miss the soft. I want the other side of my bed to be warm. I want comfort in knowing my insides are loved as much as my outsides. I want my forever. I want to stop THINKING about it. It hurts. I’m tired of it hurting. The hurt springing frp. No where at random times. Random moments of goid, like in the shower when I’m peaceful and safe and the thought of a forever moment creeps up. Because I let my mind go a little to easy. I let the wall crash down. I let myself relax.
This is the person I don’t let you see. The girl behind the mask. The girl who still has the softness to her. The fear of letting the world in. The one that wants to be held. Craves to be cherished. The girl that sits, weeping in her parked car, at the edge of a park. Instead of going home to sit in her room. Because maybe I can get over this and still make something of my day. All I want to do is eat. And I can’t eat. I gave up that line of defense.
I’m allowing myself this time to have a bad day. Because it’s ok for me to cry. It’s ok for me to want. It’s ok for me to feel. I just wish….wish I had the switch to make it all ok again.
I want to say I’ve become terrible at blogging but I haven’t. I want to say I’ve stop caring about blogging but I haven’t. I want to say I’ve sat and stared at the cursor blinking for hours but I havent…in all honesty I’ve thought about blogging, life has happened, I put it off and moved on. Things have been crazy in these parts. I’m 9 days away from syrgery, 2 days in to my doctor ordered strict liquids only diet. I am suffering through incredible headaches, awful nausea and I either want to cry or scream it really just depends on the moment.
The emotions running through my head are really interesting. On one hand I’m scared of what’s going to happen in 9 days, scared because I don’t know if people are still going to love me for my insides or if they are going to just like my outsides. If I’m going to like my outsides. I know I will, I’m just nervous…the unknown is a scary this. Traveling headfirst into my new story, no one to hold my hand, no one to kiss my forehead and tell me they will love me no matter what. I have to learn how to validate myself and that my friends is hard to do.
I’ve realized that as the days pass by I am slowly letting my love dissapear, like Marty Mcfly of the past. I don’t even remember his voice anymore. It has been determined that I am a good person. I am a person that can not knowingly go out to hurt people. I can not wrap my head around how people can knowingly invalidate others and hurt them to the extent that I’d been hurt. That is what I am dealing with now. Coming to my own sense of closure and I am getting there. Just by living.
So between coping, closure, odd moments of preop fear and watching so many artsy movies I think I’ve been ok. I’ve realized that I’m allowed to be ok. Not only am I allowed to be ok, but I’m allowed to be ok and have bad days. I’m allowed to be ok and fall off the wagon. I’m allowed to be ok and still want to be loved, to miss feeling someone by my side. In fact, I’m allowed to just be. And that’s ok.
I’m going to try and choke down another slimy shake, you know, for health purposes!
Insurance approval!!! Surgery SCHEDULED!!!!
Good morning! So here’s the scoop-
18 days till surgery (yes I will be counting, it could become very annoying. Sorrynotsorry ahead of time)
7 days left to eat all the food! What I mean by that is, I have 7 days before I go on a very strict liquid only pre-op diet. After surgery, not only will I not be able to eat regularly for a while but my body won’t be able to handle certain foods. So in the next 7 days there are certain things I want to enjoy for maybe the last time. I’m not going crazy bingey, but there are some things i want. EVERYONE who can and wants to is welcome to help me on this endeavor.
People keep asking me how I’m feeling, the answer is…I’m feeling all the emotions at once. I’m excited and scared and anxious and happy and all these things keep going through my head. I am lucky to have ya’ll in my life supporting me as I take this journey. Thank you so much ❤
(longer post to come, I’m still too giddy to type)
I didn’t go to therapy today. I know I need to but I really just didn’t want to. I surmise that this is for many reasons. Such as…My new antibiotics are making feel I’ll, I’m wicked tired, I know we’re starting to discuss emotional regulation today and my father in law passed away yesterday. All of these are very good reasons (well except one) for not going to group today but what lies under all of them is the fact that I really just didn’t want to go. Now, first of all, I believe it is helping me, more often than not I practice my debt skills to get me through the day. I try to be mindful and shuffle through all the skillfully playing cards they give me in order to cope with the outside world. I do not however like the fact that I have to keep track of what I am doing or follow each class up with himework. It makes me feel like a child and not an adult who is profiting from a group scenario. I think that is one of the reasons I get so snarky about it sometimes. Anyway, I do feel like crap from a third round of antibiotics I’ve been put on and will be going back to sleep for at least a little while.
As I sit here in my dim room with my pumpkin spice frappe (it’s amazing be jealous) I am drawn to the fact that I want so desperately to clean it, yet I can’t find the energy to do it. Granted I haven’t been high on spoons and I use most of them on my kids but there’s more to it than that. You see my room isn’t a mess per say, there are just parts of it that have clutter or need sorted out. There’s a brand new bookshelf that needs to be filled with all the wonderous books that I have. Some whose covers have never yet been opened. I think a lot of this is like my mind, a huge space so full of stuff that only the carefulness can navigate and find there way thtough. Easy to see what’s there but to delve into the hidden spots takes a keen eye and an intelligent mind. Things are hidden away. Locked treasures that you need to find the key for. One of them being my heart. But that box has multiple keys.
Speaking of which, so I was on Whisper the other day, where I received a very nice compliment. I wasn’t sure what part on my post deserved such a compliment but I appreciated it non the less. This is what I wrote.
And in very unhappy news, I am still numb after the phone call I got from the ex husband that his step dad had passed. Now I don’t generally think most people stay close to their ex’s family after a divorce but his mom, step-dad and siblings remained family to me. We exchange cards, pics, calls and whatnot. Living on two different coasts has made it hard on visits and I now feel guilty that he never got to meet my pixie. I am just taken totally aback by the situation. So I will be strong and I will push through. Gotta plan a trip sometime.
My thoughts are churning out endless streams of who knows what at the moment, so I shall attempt to shut them down and nap. My tip of the day. Self love. Do it!
I’m not like you, I never claimed to be. But you have no right to sit there and make assumptions about who I am because I don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold you have decided that life should be. I am rough around the edges. I say exactly what I mean. I can come off as abrasive and even a little mean, but at least I am always honest. My clothes are not name brand but I always look good wearing them. My face seems betrays my age, so I may look younger than you ever imagined and maybe even more than you feel. I had my kids at an early age, we are close and the tell me everything. I have my own personal sense of style, nothing you say or do is going to take that away from me. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, the ink on my skin and the color in my hair does not make me less mature than you. I laugh when I find things funny, I don’t laugh when things you find amusing hurt other people. I do not tolerate ignorance, hatred of bullying and I will raise my voice up against them. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have fought for everything that I have and I have done a fucking good job of making a life for myself. I curse like a sailor when it’s appropriate but I know when to keep my mouth shut. I will fight to the bitter end for something I believe in but no I won’t reprimand my child if they haven’t done something wrong in my eyes. I teach tolerance not hate. I teach acceptance not bigotry. I teach love not war. I don’t believe that there is a difference between you and me just because we come from different walks of life, I teach my children that all people are the same and I will not have you sully their innocence because you have a problem with me. My children as smart and funny, well fed and clean, well mannered and innocent…Just because you do not appreciate who I am as a human, neighbor, mother or any of the labels you have affixed me with you will NOT treat my child like a pariah. Mark my words darlin, karma is a bitch and I won’t be around when it comes back to bite you in your less that well-mannered ass. I am not like you and I will never be. And that is quite alright because I am perfectly happy LOVING me.
The movie Practical Magic holds a special place in my heart. The weird, kooky, romantic yet family oriented plot reached me on so many levels. So far this year has not been peaches and cream so I found myself turning to this movie to help me smile or even just cry it out. I find myself drawn to on part in particular —
1. Can sing (or gives it their best shot)
2. Can dance (or at least be willing to make a fool out of themselves trying)
3. Must be a geek (or love em)
4. Must be intelligent
5. Must be funny
6. Must be charming
7. Must enjoy ALL kinds of movies
8. Must have nice arms
9. Must have a good bad guy smirk
10. Must have a job
11. Said job must be secure
12. Must get along with his family
13. Must get along with my family
14. Must want A family
15. Must be able to hold a conversation
16. Must be able to debate
17. Must be able to communicate
18. Must love dogs
19. Must be honest
20. Must be loyal
21. Must love Disney
22. Must be romantic
23. Must be well read
24. Must be willing to read
25. Must be quirky
26. Must speak at least 2 languag
27. Must be unfuckingbelievable
28. Must have great hair
29. Must appreciate ALL music
30. Must have expressive eyebrows
31. Must look like or at the least resemble in anyway the following actors
Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt, John Cusack, Josh Peck, Steve Brundage, Iwan Rheon, Billy Boyd, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Misha Collins, Mark Sheppard, Justin Long, Jay Baruchel, Bill Hader, Richard Gene or Patrick Swayze