My need to fill the space in time that I spend lost in my thoughts is swallowed by meaningless messages from strangers. Far safer then actual encountets, I can hide behind the safety of the Internet while I chat with them…The need for dependant validation exceedingly obvious.
It’s funny really, in all aspects of my life I am growing, extending, prospering even and yet I hide behind a mask of words in order to feel like I am going to bed full filled. I wonder if that thirst will ever be quenched or am I bound to spend endless moments typing away when I could be doing something real.
I have made life altering d3cisions. I am preparing for life changing and saving surgery. I smile everyday and hold an honest joy about tomorrow. I’ve made plans for the future that include no on save for the pixie and the sprite. Yet dear future husband is something I find myself writing everyday.
And it isn’t for sex and it isn’t for love…or is it. I honestly know that I need to connect on some level beyond physical attraction, which is why I can hold in depth conversations about silly or mundane things. I crave the intellectual randomness that you can only achieve getting to know someone new. But I sit there and wonder, am I lying? Are they seeing all of me? Do they even care?
The questions pile up and I know they won’t be answered. I know that I won’t find what I am searching for online even though I have already discovered it in myself. A rare and true connection, where all the elements combine is life altering. I think I’ve had enough of those moments for now.
I know though, as soon as I post this, I will wander back to my deep dark dive bar on the web. Filled with smut and sweet and those desperately seeking solace. And I will validate them and they me. Because for even but a moment, sometimes all we need is a moment.