This is something that is incredibly important to me. So I cross posted it onto this blog from my bariatric blog. I hope it sheds some light on how my mind works and maybe helps you a little too.
I know, I know I broke a promise. Not only to you my loyal readers but to myself. I promised that I would hold myself accountable everyday. I promised I would update you in my journey, not only for you but for me too. To see where I was, how far I have come and what I’m running towards. Tonight I don’t come here with excuses or justifications, though I thought up a whole batch of them before I typed this out. I came here with the truth. The reason why there have been far fewer updates than I promised, no pictures and less content than I wanted all boils down to one word….Fear.
That’s right, I’m afraid. I sit behind my computer screen or on my phone everyday, just after I weigh myself and watch the cursor blink. 5 billion thoughts come to mind and I can’t put them down, simply put, because I am afraid. I’m afraid of judgement and not by you but because I judge myself. Far be it from me to say I have done everything in my power to be in the best physical shape I can be right now. I haven’t. I walk as much as the weather, my health and my state of mind let me. I eat or at least try to eat 3 meals a day and keep healthy snacks around. I drink tons of water and managed to get my soda down to one a day. I quit smoking. I’m pretty fucking proud of myself. But the numbers on the scale haven’t moved.
I know in my heart NSV’S are the best kind of victories and I try to celebrate them. But trying to get my motivation up when the numbers on the scale bobble between 7 pounds is really hard. I know I’m trying, I know surgery isn’t that far away….but I have this voice in the back of my mind that I try to ignore. That negative Nancy that tells me it’s all for naught. So I don’t post my progress, because to me I’m stuck, not progressing. I figure no one wants to see that.
As I write this I realize how childish I sound. I realize that if I were my best friend I would tell myself to put on that selfish outfit and start snapping a weekly pic. That I deserve to show off my journey. That I have come do far. I know it all starts from within and lately I haven’t been practicing loving the self within. But I have decided to turn the page. I am going to try my best to update you more regards, try out new smoothie recipies, walk more and just take care of me. I want to hear your stories on your journey down this path
Feel free to write me. Let’s take this one step at a time!