Monthly Archives: July 2016

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter. 

Firework revalations

I cried today. I didn’t mean to, the tears weren’t planned, weren’t really expected at all but they happened…and after it was all said and done I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. 

It was 10pm at the California Grill, on the balcony of the Contemporary resort in Orlando. I was standing there with my best friend just two days away from her wedding. We were watching the fireworks light up the sky over the Magic Kingdom. Jiminey Cricket was talking about wishes and the music flourished as the story unfolding. My cheeks were wet almost immediately.

For the first time in I don’t  know how long I didn’t flinch at the sound of the fireworks, I was just immersed in the beauty. I felt the tears well up and flow. My emotions growing as he talked about wishes and dreams and hopes. I felt the dam inside me bteak. Everything that had been lent up for months came flowing down my cheeks like rivers. Thank heavens for makeup setting spray. 

I clung to my sangria glass like a life boat as I watched the sky light up, I felt her hand on my back. In that m ok mentioned I was of one mind. I knew that it was the release I finally needed.

I am not ashamed that I cried during a magical display in one of the happiest places on earth. In fact, I hope to do it again sometime. It really felt like my soul became thousands of pounds lighter. 

Who do you think you are (not an ode to RENT)

I just need to unburden in a fantastic explosion. Now my soul feels lighter *authors afterthought*
Who do you think you are? Did you really think it wouldn’t get back to me, did you really think that my best friend wouldn’t tell me that you talk to her? Who do you think you are? When you cut somebody out of your life the way you did to me you cut out all the people that are close to them. You cut out their family, you cut out their friends, you cut out the people that love them. You don’t get advice you don’t get counsel you don’t get the privilege of talking to the people that they mean the most to. You think you can apologize for the things that you did to my best friend and have it not get back to me? You think that she’s the one that deserves the apology and not me? You left, without word without notice without and I’m sorry. You gave me the illusion that everything was going to be ok. You promised my children, you promised me, you promise the world that you would always be there. And look at what happened, you lied. You lied to everyone. You said don’t worry about it it’s just a test to see what’ll happen. I’m just saying these things to see what the response would be. I’m still standing here right? And then you left and said you needed to clear your head but that everything would be ok. You lied! You told my son that not a day would go by that he couldn’t pick up the phone and callyou. You lied to him. You told him that you would always be his person. And you’re not. You told my daughter you would always be there for her. And you’re not. You lied to the world. And I had to carry that burden because I cared about you. Well you know what, I don’t care anymore. I’m better than that. I stopped lying, I was honest, I believed in you. You don’t get that privilege anymore. You destroyed every ounce of faith I had in you. Because you broke your word. You said I was better off without you, you said the kids were better off without you. Well you know what? You were right! I hid you from the world, I held you when you cried, i listened to everything that went through your head, I covered up your lie, I thought I was doing something for the greater good. I thought that your life would be better with us in it. And it would have because we loved you. But I did everything on the good faith that you would stick around because I believed in you. You told me you weren’t good enough, you told me that I was better than that, you told me you would never force me to lie. And you didn’t force me (just pled that i perpetuate it) and i did, I did it because I believed that was the right thing to do. And you know what it was for awhile, until I realized that I was only hurting myself and the people I cared about. So I let you go and I am better now for it. But you don’t get the privilege of talking to my friends. And you don’t get the privilege of unburdening yourself and apologizing to the people that don’t need your apologies. The people that deserve an apology are my children. And the people that you should admit your lies to…well I guess that’s none of my business anymore. I’m done, I’m so done, I was done before I wrote this and this is the last time I’m going to talk directly to you because I don’t even know if you deserve this many words. It’s sad when somebody you loved so much shows you their true colors and everybody else saw them before you did.

Without You

Without you I’d have never learned

The jealousy of lust 

The pain of longing

The jolt of worry

Without you I’d have never learned

The tragedy of miscommunication 

The agony of abuse

The chill of psychopathy 

Without you I’d have never learned

The resentment of addiction

The shatter of a heart as it breaks so completely 

Without you I’d have never learned

The resilience of my will

The strength of my soul

The power of my faith in what’s right

Without you’d I’d have never learned

The love behind the eyes of my children

The tingling in my spirit to carry on

Without you I’d have never learned

How to mindfully take the next step toward my future

That whatever shatters can be shaped into a better tomorrow

I take with me the dark and have brought it to light. You have no more power over me. With that I release you from those ropes I tethered you to, holding you close to my soul. A safety blanket of mistakes to dwell on, to hold me back from tomorrow. I wish for you the happiness you deserve. I wish for you the butterflies I once felt. 

I know my place, my time is now. Holding onto the past will only hinder me from letting my wings take flight. And fly I shall, onto find my corner of the sky.

I’m Feeling 33!!!

Looks like we made it. And by we I mean me. I have realized that I talk about myself in the plural. I have been doing it for quite a while now, it was normal because I was always talking about the kids and I usually had a partner to speak of. Now…not so much, but still when it comes to the kids I talk about what we do, what decisions we have made…and by we I mean me. I suppose it works the I am Mommy and Daddy, I make all the decisions that both parents would make on a daily basis and I do think that Supermom deserves the title of the universal WE.

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So today…33…thats FUCKING AWESOME! I am totally stoked to be 33. And there are a few reasons why. More than a few reasons, but the reasons I choose to talk about most are this. 33 is an AWESOME number. It is my favorite number twice in a row, there has to be something to that. 32 was a helluvah year, happy and sad, the longest year of my life and now…it’s over. I have taken the steps, done the therapy, cleaned out the closets, breathed deeply, talked it over, thought it out and as a good friend of mine, named Pumba, told me “put my behind in the past”. I have taken everything that has happened and observed it and let it go, floating on some fucking leaf like they told me to and waved goodbye to it. Will I have memories, sure but you know what, I am free of the burden they carry now. 33 marks a turning point in my life. Also, as per my cards being read, 33 is going to be a great year as long as I trust in those around me, continue to do great things and don’t let the past get me down. So there you have it.

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So far, since I have gotten up this morning, I have been reminded of how much I am loved by those people in my life. I have gotten ready for my best friends wedding at the end of the week. I have had the most amazing food with my amazing family. I have been sung to by people that made my heart smile. My kids have astonished me with thier intelligence, love and humor. I have seen a movie that tickled me in a way I haven’t been in forever and I got to share it with a whole new generation.

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33 kicked off quite magically, the days to come may not be easy, they may cause heartache or pain but you know what? I will get through them, I will make it. I am strong and THIS is MY year!

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Searching for my muse

Have you seen her? Every time she strikes me it seems to be at the worst possible time. I could be in the middle of the highway going 70 (yes it’s legal) or in the middle of the shower. I could be lying down in bed with a migraine or trying to sing the kids to sleep. She whacks me over the head with her insanely heavy sledgehammer of glitter and whispers words in my ears and I can’t get to a media quick enough to get them down. Or she sends one train of though crashing onto the track of another and it causes all the words to melt and crash and snowball and I don’t know what I am thinking anymore. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to cry. I want to shout from the rooftops. I go to the bookstores and read the backs of the novels. I could do that. I know I can. But my muse, she is elusive. She gives me ideas but does not let me finish the thought. She keeps that wall up in my head and won’t let it go down. She defines me. I just want to write and write and write. And the stream of thought can’t be done. You give me a prompt, or inspiration, or let me collaborate and we can make big things. But sit me alone in front of a computer screen an the cursor continues to blink at me. It seems to flicker faster, angrier, because she sits there, sipping tea. She smirks at me, raises her eyebrow, challenges me to attack….but I am at a loss for words.

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Not right now

I stood there thinking. And as I thought I realized that too much of it was about you and that it wasn’t fair. I wanted to be done once and for all. I was done thinking about you and you and you. That it was time to think about me. How much I’ve grown and achieved and been present. I had to be mindful. I had to be aware. You didn’t deserve my thoughts. I did. You had them for too long. For years. 

I mindfully breathed in the calmed

I breathed out the hurt, the games, the broken promises

I mindfully cleaned out my room

I packed a tote with all your belongings in it

I mindfully took all the pictures of you out of the children’s room

I removed the drawings, the canvases and cards

I mindfully deleted every picture off of social media

I put all the one I had onto a removable drive, tucked away

I mindfully breathed in my new beginning

I began to erase you from my life, my home, my children

I choose me. I choose them. I no longer choose to dwell in the hurt you cause. I no longer choose to live in the shadows you cast. I no longer am ashamed of who I have become. You told me once, I deserved so much better than you.

You. Were. Right. 

Quit being a Quitter

So the other day I decided I was going to quit. I was going to quit being a quitter. I had quit so many things in my life already. I had quit believing in faerietales because so many of them were broken. I had quit trying to quit smoking because I just couldn’t. I had quit trying to be mindful because it was crap….Then I woke up one morning and I swear to the fucking heavens it was like waking up in the beginning montage of grease (only better animation) and I decided I had to quit quitting. Granted I had gotten a whole 3 hours of sleep and it was the day after my first DBT session….

It has been so long so let me catch you up to speed. It has been 5 whole months since Charming up and left the picture. almost a month since he up and left for good. I knew it was going to happen, I tried to prepare myself for that final shutdown, that door slamming in my face, that long beep of the heart monitor going dead just before that dead air but I wasn’t prepared for it. He didn’t prepare any of us for it. One day it was I would never….and 4 weeks later I stare at the pile of his stuff and answer questions from the kids with words that don’t give them any solace and shake my head wondering when the man I knew turned into a stranger. There are no more tears from me, he does not hold that power anymore, I only wish the tears the children cry will dry soon because he wasn’t brave enough to keep fighting for them and they deserve so much more than broken promises.

It has been nearly 6 months since I started on my Bariatric journey and it is going fabulously. I have actually started a blog specifically for that over here Taking My Sparkle Back or you can follow me on FB Taking My Sparkle Back . I am super proud of what is going on and would love to take you guys on that wild ride with me. Along with that project, I am also working on my photography website which I will post the link too when I have it up and running.

Now back to the whole quitting thing. So when I started DBT I had to admit to myself that the last time I quit because I couldn’t deal with the thought of my therapist leaving me. So this time, I not only made the commitment to stay, I made the commitment not to quit, not just DBT but not to quit on myself. Be it in therapy but also in life. I want to make those positive changes I keep talking about. I want to be honest, I want to be healthy. So I have made the decision to quit the things that are bad for me and to quit quitting the things that are good for me…

 

Make sense?

 

Pre dreaming thoughts 


It’s a little bit funny how much I’ve thought about not thinking the past few days. Guess I was trying to be mindful about it. In some weird way that makes perfect sense to me. DBT skill really throwing me for a loop, this headcold throwing me off even more. I’ve taken time to really delve deep into the inner workings of my soul and have come up with what I really want to focus on in life. I’ve evicerated every aspect of the past and become comfortable taking the parts that are mine to be taken on the chin and also given up the guilt on what was not my fault. I have lived, I have loved and though there is still pent up anger there is no regret. At least mostly. One day at a time. I think I’m doing pretty fucking good.