She wanted to dance with you at her wedding to this sing. At 7 years old, she picked this song for you because in her eyes you were a super hero. Now she can’t listen to it on the radio. Her big eyes fill with tears as she begs whoever is playing it to change the song be ause “it hurts to much”. If she is asked why she only shakes her head. The only answer she’s ever given me was that “it reminds her too much much of her Daddy”. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? No, of course you don’t, you never will.
You aren’t here to field the questions that come out of the blue. The “Can I make video for him?”, “Did you send him my card?”. The “Is he ever going to want to see us again?”, “I thought he said I could call him anytime, that he would always be my person”. When you make an impression like that on a child, you can’t just slip slowly into the night and expect them to be ok, expect them not to hurt or ask questions. You can’t expect to go from Superman or Zeus to nothing. But I guess it really makes no difference now does it? Your head can be clear because you told them you’d be away for awhile, in your eyes that can be construed as you’re never coming back. In the eyes of a child awhile can be minutes, hours or even seconds. It’s usually not forever. Not when they’ve been hurt before, when you became their hero, when you fought so hard for them, when they became yours and you thiers. But what do I know? I’m only their mother.
Maybe I shouldn’t write this, I know you don’t read what I write anymore. My words get twisted and told to you in ways they never were meant in the first place. They will be contrived as a guilt trip, pressure or me begging you to come back. I don’t want you to come back, I don’t need you to be mine. I just want to know who you are now, how you believed so hard in protecting your kids suddenly changed into not wanting them at all. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m writing this out of pain because I held my 7 year old tightly today as she begged for answers as to when she’d see you again. And all I could say was simply “I don’t know when you will sweetie, it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to him”.
The man I knew for so many years would have never let me say things like that to her, he would still be in her life. He would still be our 9 year olds person when he needed to talk. But I guess people change more than I could ever imagine.
It’s ok that you can’t be the person in this song, because I got this. You don’t need to be Superman. That’s my job. A promise to them I will never break.