Monthly Archives: June 2016

One Call Away

She wanted to dance with you at her wedding to this sing. At 7 years old, she picked this song for you because in her eyes you were a super hero. Now she can’t listen to it on the radio. Her big eyes fill with tears as she begs whoever is playing it to change the song be ause “it hurts to much”. If she is asked why she only shakes her head. The only answer she’s ever given me was that “it reminds her too much much of her Daddy”. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? No, of course you don’t,  you never will. 

You aren’t here to field the questions that come out of the blue. The “Can I make video for him?”, “Did you send him my card?”. The “Is he ever going to want to see us again?”, “I thought he said I could call him anytime, that he would always be my person”. When you make an impression like that on a child, you can’t just slip slowly into the night and expect them to be ok, expect them not to hurt or ask questions. You can’t expect to go from Superman or Zeus to nothing. But I guess it really makes no difference now does it? Your head can be clear because you told them you’d be away for awhile, in your eyes that can be construed as you’re never coming back. In the eyes of a child awhile can be minutes, hours or even seconds. It’s usually not forever. Not when they’ve been hurt before, when you became their hero, when you fought so hard for them, when they became yours and you thiers.  But what do I know? I’m only their mother.

Maybe I shouldn’t write this, I know you don’t read what I write anymore. My words get twisted and told to you in ways they never were meant in the first place. They will be contrived as a guilt trip, pressure or me begging you to come back. I don’t want you to come back, I don’t need you to be mine. I just want to know who you are now, how you believed so hard in protecting your kids suddenly changed into not wanting them at all. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m writing this out of pain because I held my 7 year old tightly today as she begged for answers as to when she’d see you again. And all I could say was simply “I don’t know when you will sweetie, it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to him”.

The man I knew for so many years would have never let me say things like that to her, he would still be in her life. He would still be our 9 year olds person when he needed to talk. But I guess people change more than I could ever imagine.

It’s ok that you can’t be the person in this song, because I got this. You don’t need to be Superman. That’s my job. A promise to them I will never break.

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My Girls in Heaven (trigger warning)

If I close my eyes and wish hard enough, dream sweetly enough I can hear your laughter. Soft and sweet giggles on the wind. I can feel your little hands close in mind as we go running through the field of wildflowers into the woods where we play hide and seek. I can see your eyes, bright blue and bright green, your hair in alternate shades of deep and light red, your skin pale as the day is long with those scatter freckles across your cheeks just like your brother and sister. I can hear your soft sweet voices singing on the wind as we tumble to the ground and make daisy crowns for our hair while we play by the water’s edge on our afternoon adventure. I feel the weight of your bodies in my lap as I hold you in my arms not wanting this day to end, this dream to be woken from. Your sweet kisses to my cheeks assure me that you will be there again when I come to visit you, that I don’t belong there to stay, that it’s time for me to go home. And when reality sets back in and I open my eyes to the world with tearstained cheeks, I know that somewhere you are still watching over me.

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I scoop up my babies and hold then tight, whispering to them how much I love them. They ask me why I have tears in my eyes and all I can tell them is that it is because I am so happy to have them with me. It is not a lie, I am happy, I am lucky that I get to hold them in my arms, that I get each and every day with them. The only part I leave out is that part of the reason for the tears is for their siblings who are always watching us and will one day be able to hug us when our souls join with theirs. One day I will tell them about their sisters who will forever be in our hearts. But for today, I will wrap them up in all over my love.

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There is for as long as I have known a stigma around writing about miscarriage, a taboo about the written word of losing a baby before they were born. But my girls were a part of me and I am not ashamed to say that. There is a part of my heart and soul that no matter what anyone says or how much time has passed that won’t stop hurting for the loss of them. They were part of me, I created them, I saw them, I knew they were there in my soul and then they weren’t. And that loss is soul crushing.

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When I found out I was pregnant in 2008 I was beyond the moon, a second baby when I was told I couldn’t have a first. I knew that this pregnancy was going to be different because I couldn’t even stand the smell of sugar, oh it was terrible. I was somewhere between 7-10 weeks along when I lost her that Father’s Day, June 21, 2008. It was confirmed by a test the next day, they took my blood and called me and I remember the phone falling out of my hands and dropping to the ground. I remember feeling crushed. I held my spritely boy that day so tightly as though the heavens would take him from me too. Later than summer I was granted a wish and therein lie the miracle and my Pixie was born 2 months after her sister should have been.

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We thought I was sick in 2015, we thought it was my lap band, we thought it was something with my stomach, I went under surgery twice not knowing. And then the results came in, I was pregnant. I was thrilled, beyond thrilled, I had a wonderful relationship and everything was going well. I was terrified and anxious and excited, I was going to do everything right this time. But everything wasn’t going as planned. The first sonogram showed her smaller than she should have been but that was ok. Then the next one, I saw her heart beating! I saw it, it was slow but it was there and I thought, look at that, this is really happening. I tossed away all the concerned looks that everyone else had because of how small she was still measuring. Then it happened the next week. She was still there, a smudge and actual smudge, I saw her…but her heart had stopped beating and she was gone, just gone. And so was I., This time, it wasn’t just let nature happen, it was medical intervention happens. We didn’t know exactly how far along I was. But June 8th, 2015 was her day, her birthday I suppose but as she had passed while still inside my body I don’t know what t call it. She was about the age as her sister had been, but the whole experience was different. This one included contractions and pain and the whole experience I had with my live births. I was devastated. My life would be forever changed.

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Why am I writing this now? Because it is June, because June for me is a hard month, one of plenty of happiness but one of a lot of pain. One that will bring about the summer and one that will forever remind me of my angel babies. May-June one day be a month of rebirth for me and not hold my heart so heavy, this is what I can wish for. So today I will go and make a flower crown with my faerie kids, we shall run and we shall play and we shall laugh. And our laughter will bring us smiles and I know somewhere our angels are smiling down on us.

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Mommy loves you

Always

Shaye

xoxo

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Sound of Silence

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The sound of silence echoes in my ears like the dust settling on a library book long forgotten. It is deafening yet comforting, oddly perverse in it’s nature. I am aware of its presence yet it fills me with hope for a better tomorrow. I do not dwell upon it, more on the stagnation I am fighting for it not to cause. I am whole with seams that are slowly filling in with a stronger cement than there was before. Will it hold this time? This question has no known answers,  only whispers fallen on deaf ears. Whispers of “I don’t know”.

That is ok, I am strong, this is worth it, my journey has not yet ended. I am aware of the stirrings of my inner flame, flickering to the beat of my internal exstasis. Growing brighter as my soul does. Each day a little closer to a fresh start, closer to a new path, closer to the next page of my journey.

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One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII By Pablo Neruda

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose
from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

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Bandaids

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Raw edges of a soul torn open, yet the wound will never heal if you keep touching the edges. Flashes if a past, of friendships long forgotten, of family so dear, stitched up inside you so tight. Until the day….until the day you switch gets flipped and without knowing it those wounds are torn open. Years of blame, guilt, regret. Years of. Instability, worthlessness, invalidation come pouring out.

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And it isn’t till you catch yourself staring at the label on a valium bottle that you realize your face if soaking wet and your curled under a blanket. It isn’t until your wrists at skinned raw and blood is dripping down your fingers that you think maybe you need stronger duct tape to hold your wounds shut. You watch your shattered pieces gather themselves with pieces of glitter and glue trying to rebuild itself into some semblance of what it once was.

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But a bandaid can’t fix a shattered soul, a valium coma can’t make you survive the day and blood is better inside then out.

So take a deep breath and grab yourself some glitter. You will survive. I believe in you.

Shaye
Xoxo

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