Monthly Archives: May 2016

Puzzle Pieces

There are those out there that can say I found the missing piece to my puzzle. I believe that there are so many pieces to your puzzle that even by the end of your life you may not have all the pieces. You start out born as a single piece when you are born. Slowly but sure you begin to build your puzzle. Your family and each of the people that you meet in your life become those core pieces designing the picture that makes up the foreground in your picture. The events that shape you become the dark and light bits of your background. Your core memories become the cornerstones anchoring it together. But what you don’t realize is that each step you take, every time you find that love, that fear, that heartbreak, that joy your puzzle doesn’t only add a piece but it changes, it expands to make sure the piece goes exactly here it belongs. It’s like the game of perfection, a bump to the table your puzzle is on and everything flips into the air and comes back down. Your core, your real picture falls back into place with maybe a new piece or two there or even a piece or two missing. Your background is the ever-changing, evermoving fluid part of your puzzle. It is like a 3-d picture frame or a part of the pictures in Harry Potter.

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There are pieces of your puzzle that will come in and change your picture, those pieces are the bigger pieces, the pieces that add the color, the detail. Those are your soulmates, your children, those people that have made your heart stronger, your soul more vibrant. Those are the people that have taken your pieces and turned them into something new. They have taken the faerie dust and helped you shape it into a magnificent new creature. Those pieces are also the ones who have broken you, only have helped you figure out how to help you build yourself up into who you have become today.

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What happens when the pieces that once fit, don’t anymore? That’s a question you always ask yourself. Well, the answer is this. Nothing happens. Those pieces will always be part of your puzzle. It is not that they don’t fit, it is that they fade in color and more into the background of your life. All the pieces of your puzzle are so important to who have become today. And sometimes just sometimes, when you least expect it…A background piece bursts back into color and makes its way back into the main picture. All it takes is a visit home, a surprise phone call or a birthday card sent to a friend you haven’t seen in so any years. Their color may fade and drop away again… live in those moments, because those moments are the ones that you will treasure forever.

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Take a moment today to enjoy your puzzle

Sparkle sparkle

Shaye

xoxo

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Two Weeks. Two Lives. Two Masks.

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I wear two masks constantly. Day in and day out and I only take them off to breathe when the chance arises. That chance isn’t often and when I can breathe it isn’t pretty, relaxing or fun. I have a public mask you see. For the day to day, a super mom personal to keep up with the masses, the strangers, the parents at school and those who only seem me through a porthole in the side of my life boat.

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Then there is the mask in private. The one who play her cards close but wears her heart on her sleeve. This mask is thinner, more translucent, closer to me. But I hold things behind it very few can see. I’ve only let a few see me with out it.

I’ve come to realization that under these masks I’m lost. The sight isn’t pretty, there are tear stained cheeks. There’s a girl who wants everyone to be happy. There’s a girl that needs to be reassured she is loved.

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The past two weeks were rough. Masks ripped off. Sea salt scrubbed in the woulds. I Thought Of Self garm. I would never do it because of my sprites but I just wanted to hear that people still wanted ME around. Not the kids but ME. That’s all I wanted to hear.

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As the weeks of pain and heart break subsided I felt better. Be it my meds, my therapy ir just thinking it through I’m done with my masks. I wish I had a sledgehammer to break them.

I’m tired of hiding me. I’m tired of my two seperate lives. I’ve given up the drama and negativity. I am cleansing everything because what I’m building is fragile and takes time. But it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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Mother’s Day

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“Mama, I made you breakfast!”

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Bleary eyed and very aware of a strong scent of ranch dressing I glance at my cell phone. It’s 7:03am…My sprite has made me a cheesy ranch wrap for breakfast. I hug him with all my might, trade him for a granola bar, glass of milk and tell him I’ll eat it for lunch. Then we snuggle with the Pixie who is still half asleep perpendicular to me. I don’t know how he wriggled his way from between us but he did.

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The day commences with a nap, a gorgeous plant, who is affectionately named Spengler, who I am NOT allowed to take care of because and I quote “You are a danger to nature”.

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Gorgeous pictures, cards and a teeny book all made by the Pixie. Then out the door we go.

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We wave to all the people waiting for the Mother’s Day trucks on the side of the highway, feeling like stars, and head into see Civil War. HOLY FUCK IT’S AMAZING!!!! Pixie fell asleep towards the end but the Sprite and I must see it again. Then it’s home again.

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Some downtime, Once Upon a Time, bedtime, Game of Thrones and here we are. There were tears shed. Tears for those I lost and missed  tears for those that usually call but didn’t and tears because the Three Musketeers all felt like a piece of their family was missing today. But we survived it and the day was so very special.

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I hope you all had a sparkly Mother’s Day

Shaye
Xoxo

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Where were you? (14 years ago)

It’s almost 14 years ago, my first time. I was scared and it was dark. I had been given a tour but I still didn’t know what the hell I was doing. A virginal experience, great…and I was on my own. I could tell this was going to be unlike anything I had done before. I heard a noise in the dark…I began to run; little did I know that noise in the dark, the path I started running on would lead me to where I am today.

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That first night of my very first LARP would lead me to find out what the bond of family meant, how friendships can stand the test of time, what loving with your whole heart feels like and how home isn’t where you rest your head but where your soul feels the safest. I also learned how power can corrupt, what a real bad guy really is, how drama is never really left in high school and how believing what everyone says can not only hurt you but hurt those around you.

I sit here watching the rain almost 14 years later, marveling at how life has changed. Back then life was about having fun, raising hell, flirting, messy relationships and being too naive to realize how much people cared and how drama would follow you for years to come. It was before kids, marriage, illness. Before real responsibility and life really set in. I was so innocent minded, naive hearted and optimistic. I thought life was so hard. I was a gypsy soul with a faerie spirit. There were only two things I knew for sure…That I knew who would be around for the rest of my life and that I had fallen in love hard with someone who would change my world forever (even though I hadn’t told him).

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Now those people who I called family only see each other at funerals and promise to see each other more often. We’ve drifted apart and we try to stick together when we can but we know IF we are NEEDED we show up en mass. There are people that have drifted away to find their own new adventures. There has been marriage and divorce, lots of little ones along the way. Drama has dwindled although give us too many bottles of wine and we will bring it up and laugh about it now.

I listen to my sprites chatter away as they are falling asleep and I smile because so much of my life has changed. I have planted roots in a place I never thought I would. I have lived in more places than I ever thought I would and I am in school to help others in ways I should have been helped as a teenager. I spend my days running to appointments for the countless things that are broken with my body and my nights editing for independent authors, writing in at least one of my novels and doing schoolwork.

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I have bills and I can drive a car. I know what real life and responsibility are. I know why I can’t just move with a change in the winds. Life has taken me on a hard path and I have stumbled and fallen so many times I can’t even tell you how many scars I have but I keep moving forward. My mind isn’t innocent anymore but my heart is still pure and loving and I can still be way too optimistic for maybe anybody’s good. I’ve been told I should be jaded but I can’t be. I’ve been told I am a lot stronger than I was but I don’t see it. I guess I am glad other people can see it in me. Life is still sometimes flirty and full of raising hell (and by hell I mean the sprites of course). Messy relationships are still happening every so often but by now I know when to walk away.

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I still have that person who I knew would remain in my life forever. I have found ou that if you’re good friends with someone for over 7 years you will be friends with them forever. Thinking about my closest friends, I met the ones that are there and have been there through all the ups and downs of life through nights int he woods. We still share the laughter and tears, the inside jokes, the secrets and the boozy nights of going “why did we think our shit was that hard?!?!???”. That guy that I felt hard in love with, I still am and I don’t know how not to be, he knows now though. Although he is not in my life in the capacity I wish he was, he is in my life and I know he always will be, that is the stuff that matters.

Life changes around you all the time, 14 years ago I found the place I needed to start finding the path to my destiny. To the woman, I was to become. Be it in Avalon or Ravenna, I always knew that I had family, laughter and a place to escape for a while when life got to be too much. For that I am thankful

Sparkles

Shaye

xoxo

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Sleeping Dogs

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People tell you that you should let sleeping dogs lay still. That they are put to bed and should stay there. A lot of those times ut is easy to do. It helps heal your soul, move past your grief and travel forward in your life.
It can be the hardest process to put what you consider unfinished to bed,specially when your ink has run out somewhere in the middle. But you still move forward, taking care of what you must and finding you again. That’s where I was. 58lbs lighter, a smile on my face, laughter, friends, my wonderful sprites. A whole new adventure full of surprises in front of me.
But there was a rascal of a puppy who would stay asleep. One that I cared for so much and gave so much too that once my healing had really progressed, I thought we would fall back into friendship. He wouldn’t rest but he wasn’t ready. When he was, we started to, with such ease that it seemed like the bad had been left behind.
Wouldn’t you know it, my support and love and friendship made the bad catch back up and that puppy may be removed all together. I sit and think and dissect my words. I did nothing erong. I nurtured and supported but it was too much. Me being ok was too much. I had stopped fighting and started supporting and seems all for naught. We shall see what the days ahead bring. Whether my sprites shall be scarred from the scratches of yesterday. I only wish that the gauntlet hadn’t been thrown down. Hadn’t enough people suffered.

Nope…I’m the one who goes to sleep in tears because she cannot listen to her own words.

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Mother’s Day Approaches

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Mother’s Day….For so many years I dreamed of that day and I thought I’d never have kiddos. Because I was told I medically couldn’t. I now sit and reflect over the pass 9 years with my sprites and think about how lucky I am.

I am lucky they are healthy and happy, they are intelligent and witty, they are pure souls with kind hearts and gentle spirits. I am lucky they are compassionate and capable. That they love to learn and laugh and that each day they teach me more about myself.

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I think about my angels in heaven. My two girls who curled up next to my heart instead of in my arms. How I was given a chance to carry them inside me for as long as I did and when the day comes what hugs they will give me. How they are forever protecting and watching over us as we go through this life without them.

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As Mother’s Day Approaches I think about no matter how much the three of us have been through, we have always made it out for the better. How the Three Musketeers can take on the world. How being a single Mom has brought me to where I am today. It has given me the gift of learning not only how to be a Mommy but how to be their best friend. A bond that can never be broken.

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As Mother’s Day approaches, I have a slight twinge of sadness, for the only person who my kids see as their Daddy is not here. How last year I knew what it was like to be surrounded by a whole and complete family. How last year I was woken with kisses and my sprites had someone to help them pick out exactly what they wanted to get me. How there were sweet words and arms to curl up in at night. How we didn’t know it yet but there was another life growing in my belly.

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People have asked me what I want for Mother’s Day, and this is what I’ve said:
I want to be surrounded by my family
I want to be smothered in love
I want sweet kisses
I want sweet words
I want cuddles and snuggles
I want a day of love

If you ask me what thing I want that have a monetary value, my list is short and not needed, but here it is:
I want cards
I want a Wicket
I want to see Civil War
I want a new pair of sneakers

Those are not necessities. They are not what Mother’s Day is about.

This Mother’s Day I will still be surrounded by my family. My wonderful sprites with their laughter and kisses. And I will spend the day with their love.  I will spend the day cherishing that I have been able to be a Mom. And I will spend the day sending sparkle thoughts to those out there who are, will be and are even in the simplest sense Mother’s to those around them.

Sparkle sparkle
Shaye
Xoxo

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Pinky Promise

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Noone can hold it together all of the time. Not you and most certainly not me. There comes a time when even the most put together people fall apart. Those are the hard times. When those people that you look to, to hold your pieces together fall apart. You can stand there with your arms open, tissue boxes at your side, holding them as their body shakes with so many tears. You can run your fingers through their hair and whisper the words “I know” because you do. You can look them in the eyes and tell them they will get through this, that it will get better and know that in your heart it will. But why can’t you believe it yourself.
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Your eyes mirror thiers, different shades of colors, kalioscopic tears, yearning to take their pain away. The pain of an ending before the book is closed. But thiers hopr. Their candle still flickers when you’re has been snuffed out. Helpless, you try and make the best out of the situation for them because you know it’s too late for you. You’ve accepted what you were handed and you’ve begun to move on.
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You wish you could take their pain away, but you can’t.
You wish you could calm their fears, but you don’t have the words.
You wish that they never had to go through this, but you can’t protect them forever.
So you hold out your arms and wrap them as tightly as you can. You whisper the words “I know”. You give them the strength you have left.
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Because you promised you’d be there. And best friends don’t break their promises.

I’m here. I always will be.
Sparkles
Shaye
Xoxo

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