I was going to go into detail, tell you of my story but right now I can’t. I can’t because you don’t need to hear my story right now, you need to hear that I will understand yours. If I can’t understand you, I will listen and empathize. I will give you my hand, lend you my shoulder and certainly be a sounding board. I chose these pictures for you because in them I saw my past, I saw my friends, I saw my struggles and I saw the messages I needed so long ago. The reason I became who I am today, I wanted to be the person that I never found so long ago. So these are for you and me.
I am here for you. For as long as you need me.
If you asked me how I am today
I’d tell you I don’t know
If you tried to touch my heart today
I’d beg you to go slow
The smile begot the tears somehow
And down my cheeks they flow
And if you ask me to explain
I’d silently mouth no
There used to be a place in time
I knew what it all meant
A happiness inside my soul
Where all the feelings went
But now I feel my insides steam
Just looking for a vent
An emotional toll paid out by me
My change has all but spent
A silent tear rolls down my cheek
As I gaze up to the star
I wonder if somewhere out there
You miss me from a far
I close my eyes and make a wish
Just like I did that day
That you’ll be happy no matter what
Even though you went away
I gave so much of me to you
Even though you did not know it then
From heart and soul to trivial things
Like words beneath this pen
You gave toe all that you had
I hold it close this day
And wish that I had the words
To make you come and stay
But our paths have split and we have gone
Alone our seperate ways
We’ve done this dance a time ago
And here we are to day
So when you look upon the stars
Before you close your eyes
Just know that beyond the scope of time
It’s never a good bye
And if in dreamland we should meet
At that place where we were one
Just take my hand and sit with me
Until our time does come
To rise again another day
To face the world again
And know that I’ll be always here
Forever my best friend ♡
At first you are so numb that emotions only break through when you least expect it. Your heart feels like an empty spot in your chest. You’ve loved so much it burst and the faerie dust leftover slips through your fingers. You don’t know if it is going to blow away with the next gentle breeze. You know this isn’t a time to escape in your head but you can’t escape
thoughts that push you down.
Then you’re mad. Anger blossoms in that empty hole. Seeing red becomes the only thing to do. Mad at the world, at yourself, at the one who shattered you in the first place. You question your choices, your past. You go over, dissect and eviscerate your choices, your relationship, your words, your mistakes. And when you are through overanalyzing you cry.
The emotion finally swells and you cry like the tears have been there your whole life and you broke the dam. Your body’s is broken with sobs and you can’t hold yourself together. Everything becomes a trigger, everything hurts, you always want to share it with the piece of you that’s gone. It’s unexplainable, even you don’t understand it; one day you are fine and the next you can’t stop the waterfall.
No matter how long this stays, eventually it goes and that’s when you begin to heal.
You start by waking up and feeling a little better everyday. You don’t take everything so personally. You still feel those feelings but you only give yourself a minute to wallow or the length of a phone call to your best friend. You hold onto the good memories, smile at things on Pintrest and start letting people see you for you again. You aren’t ready for another book to be written again but eventually you wouldn’t mind scribbling a few pages in your journal.
Eventually you will. You will laugh again. You will have your hand held. Your bed won’t always be empty. Someone will say something so funny you will laugh till your sides hurt. Someone will cup your face gently and give you a first kiss. And it will be wonderful. Because you have healed. And you are worth it.
I try to surround myself with people who can fill my space with good energy and light. Ones that will give me the gift of sparkling on through the course of my days as I take them one at a time. Occasionally I get thrown a bad seed now and again but I try to see the good in all. My biggest attribute and flaw is that my heart is so big and my belief is strong that everyone deserves the chance to shine, to be happy, to be loved. That everyone has those capabilities inside them.
I sit here sometimes and wonder what I did to lose someone my shine, to have my heart dissected and handed back to me. To feel part of my soul torn in half. I tried to chalk it up to past life mistakes, fear, dishonesty. I try to move on from those bad thoughts and place the past behind but with every beat of my heart I feel like there is a part missing. I’ve come to realize that there isn’t a part missing or misplaced. Hell maybe it wasn’t even shattered in the first place. Maybe I just loved so big and so much that you needed that part of my heart inside you. You needed to keep that piece to know that within me you will always have a safe place, a home, the love of myself and our children.
My thought is that, though you don’t say it, you know it. Our heart beats still as one because you have a part of us inside you and I do inside me. Things may have not been the greatest all the time but when two hearts meet as ours did then nothing can truly tear them apart. And that thought, though it is not arms around me at night nor sweet kisses to my forehead, keeps me feeling safe. That thought keeps my sparkle, because I am whole, I am me, I have my love and the love of my family no matter how far they may wander.
You taught me strength, you taught me perseverance, we taught each other love.
My lesson today is pure and whole. Surrounded by the energy of the world around, made blissful by our children’s sweet laughter, sparkling with all the love in my heart and believing in who and what I have become.
Late at night I ponder what it would be like to be on the road. Touring the countryside with a backpack and a camera. My who life spontaneous moving from one moment to the next with a shift of the breeze. I remember the heat of the fire as the embers died, the shiver up my spine as it bowed under a gentle caress. I smell the salt from the ocean and still bask in the ghosts of raindrops that sizzle off my sunburnt skin. Passionate nights, dramatic days. All left to the wings of chance and s pocket full of dreams. I lose myself in these moments, letting my soul flourish in the fanciful future of an unwritten tale. A noise soft a sweet hits my ears and I’m pulled back to the present. Soft snuffling sounds of the angels I helped love into this world. I pull them closer into my arms, our hearts carrying the same soft beat and put those stories away for another day. One where I take pen to paper an write of my adventures if past and the journey that led me to exactly where I am happy to be right now.
You can make wishes on stars, candles, minutes of a clock. You can make them daily, hourly or even every time you take a breath. You can make the same wish over and over again until you are blue in the face and you lose hope of it coming true….and then it does. Or it did, when I wished for you. The answer to my wishes since I knew what I wanted to wish for. And now, because I know my wish has slipped through my fingers like sand, I only wish for one thing. I wish that the last time your lips met mine I had bathed in their sweetness, basked in our two souls wrapping around each other one last time, one last revelry in exstasis…in us. I think about that kiss, that last surprise and a smile crosses my lips as a tear rolls down my cheek. I wish……
We didn’t have long
We never do
We didn’t waste any time
But no time had past
We spent 5 hours in Wonderland
The alarm at 1109 told me so
We talked about everything and nothing
Without awkward silences
We laughed about the then and the now
Without abandon or judgement
We ate amazingly cooked food
That you prepared
We stayed up playing boardgames
Laughing and joking and just being
We curled up and watched a movie
I fell asleep with my head on your chest
5 hours of bliss
And you accept that
Like you always have
Now I may have to find your roomie and beat him down because I am so sick.
People wonder what I do all day, a woman on disability, a single Mom on welfare, a transplant who after 5 years can count her closest friends in the area on one hand.
People don’t understand why work is so hard for me. Why I can’t keep repetitive motion in my arms, why I can’t be on my feet for more than 15 minutes. They want to blame my weight.
My weight which I have no control over, but I’m working on. My fibro which I have no control over, but I’m working on. My getting sick all the time, which I have no control over, but I’m working on.
So what do I do all day?
I get up
Get the kids off to school
Go to therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, aquatic therapy
Followed by more therapy
Then make some calls and/or do some homework
Then maybe shopping or an appointment
Get the kids (or just one kid on m or w)
Pick up other kid
Possibly some errands
BSC comes over/prepare dinner
Wind kids down
Say good night’s
Explain why they can’t sleep in my bed
Say good night’s
Start my own hw or cleaning
Send kids back to bed
Go back to doing my stuff
Explain why kids can’t sleep in my bed
Finally finish my tasks
Lay down and hope to sleep
Lather Rinse Repeat
Add in chaos, stress, bills and pressure and that’s my daily routine.
Sometimes I decompress, I deserve to decompress. Even if that means laying on my best friends couch, watching kitchen nightmares while she paints her face.
Everyone deserves a few hours of me time
Futures were planned
Multiple lines repeated
Love that forever grew
Never knowing it would end
Building a life through technology
When limbs weren’t entangled
I miss yous
I need yous
Let’s have family dinner
So you won’t be alone
Shared our secrets
Out laughable moments
Our worst fears
We teamed up
We remembered our love
Daily reminders of our love
Technology that we didn’t have when we were young
Brought us back together
We fought for together
Lived for each other
For our children.
Promises of tomorrow
A love never to be compared
1716 locked messages
Saved for so long
Just in case
My finger trembled
My heart ached
But my tears never fell
As I pressed delete