I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two days. those silent angry tears and then those sobbing loudly and not being able to say a word tear.s I felt my heart turn to glass and shatter to the ground beneath me. I felt my soul rip in two. And then after the tears settled and my little brother swooped into the rescue I am now numb.
Not totally numb, not numb like I can’t feel. Numb like I can feel but I don’t want to. The tears still glisten on my cheeks when I read certain things. I am pretty sure his voice would paralyze me. And seeing him would tear me to shreds all over again. But I will be ok.
I will be ok because I have to be ok. I have to be ok firstly for myself. I need to regroup and refind myself. I don’t know who that person is. I don’t know if I ever really had a chance to find her. I have been so any other people that I don’t know how many of then have really been truly me. Except the me that I was when I was with you. You got to see the real me. Because I never felt the need to hide her from you. But now I have to find her again.
I will be ok because of my kiddos. I have to show them what a strong mommy they have. I have to show them what being a single parent is about. I have to be ok because they take their cues from me and I am going to be the one to show them what the world is like. I have to show them that no matter what the circumstance is, they can overcome it.
I have never truly felt heartbreak until you broke my heart. But I am not mad at you for it. I will never hate you for it. Though loving you for it is a little off the deep end even for me. I will always love you and that part of my heart will always be yours. Will I be alone forever, no I will always have the two beautiful children that I love and cherish so much by my side. And I promise you are always invited on wrestling nights.