Shattered Glass

I was a castle made of glass, I picked and chose where and whom I gave my heart to. Yes, there were cracks and dents as there will be in any glass tower, but because of what had happened in the past I kept that glass as bulletproof as I could, just to keep my heart protected.You would think with all the things I have been through, the casing would have scuff marks, but no, every time I let my heart out to play I pulled it back in so it wasn’t full of bruises and dents. It was the one real, pure, innocent and naive part of me left.

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And then there was this one night that I breathed in your scent and I felt home. And then I felt your lips touch my own and I wanted for nothing more than to taste them for the rest of my life. I rested my head on your chest and listened to your heartbeat, feeling mine sync into the rhythm without a problem. I breathed you in until ou had to leave and then I watched you go. I felt that glass get just a tad more vulnerable.

You were inside me, I felt your soul wrap around mine and it wasn’t close enough, I needed to get closer. I needed every bit of you to touch every bit of me. That night when you looked into my eyes I felt the first taste of what I had only read about in the books I edited. I tried to stop it, I tried to throw on the breaks. I hadn’t been single, I hadn’t tried to do things on my own but I was yours, all yours and I know you knew it from the even before then.

Then we had our first “fight”. I told you I wasn’t ready, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, I was scared, I was confused and conflicted, I told you I hated you, I wasn’t ready to feel yet. I sat facing you sobbing as you looked into my eyes and told me you would wait. Told me you knew you I loved you too. I couldn’t say I didn’t, because I didn’t want to lie to you. I knew then that the glass was broken. I had given you my whole self in that moment.

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And now, I am still all in. I have thrown down my cards. I wasn’t ready to stop the lies, the attention seeking. I went into our relationship having never been loved the way you loved me. I went into our relationship never as sick or having as many things happening to me as there were. I went into our relationship not prepared for your amazing aura. You took care of myself and the kids as if you had been doing it for years. We went through the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears and I still couldn’t show you how much you mean to me. I made you feel unworthy and now that I know that…I feel like I was unworthy of you. I didn’t deserve what you gave me.

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So when you left I gave you the only thing you ever wanted, my heart.

And I sit here in a pile of lies and shattered glass…not knowing which way to crawl.

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