Monthly Archives: March 2016

It Takes a Village

They say that it takes a village to raise children, but what about when you don’t have a village. What about when it’s only you? What about when you think you have done something right and then you realize that you may have made a mistake, screwed it all up and it not only breaks your heart but it breaks the hearts of your children too.

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My kiddos were too young to know when their father and I split up. They never grew up with them until my oldest was four and my youngest two. Even then he wasn’t a constant in their lives. My Wolf was the constant from the ages of 3 and 1 to just about 7 and 5. They knew him, they trusted him but I was comfortable and I knew that the relationship wasn’t going to come to any sort of fruition. Then there was the Demon, for lack of a better name for him. I was sure, totally sure about him, he helped take care of me when I was a sick 17-year-old for fucks sake, but his alcoholic and cocaine fueled rages at me when the kids took to bed proved too harsh on me and I had to let him. The next day Charming rode into my life, and he was home. He was everything I knew about home. He was the first man I ever truly gave my whole self to. That self-was whole in the least, it was broken fragments and I wasn’t ready to be the woman he needed me to be. I lied…A lot. To protect me from hm and to protect him from me. Because I was scared. He took to my family quite quickly and made promises of forever, but forever wasn’t as long as it turned out to be. A year and a month later and it’s over and he’s gone.

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I wrote this to a friend today and I think it is quite pertinent to my situation –

The hardest part about being a single mom is the fact that unless somebody’s ready to be in a relationship with you and your children there can never be a clean break. It sucks to think that every person that I’ve had in mind and the kids live excluding friends has been able to walk away with the peace of mind and the children’s hearts and they don’t realize what can be causing it. It sucks to think that somebody can put that much damage and that much heartbreak on my kids lives. I love all of my friends for sticking around and all of my friends for taking all of the roles they have in the kids lives because we’ve basically spent nine years alone. But I think I just want to find someone eventually one day that’ll be able to keep the promises they made for the kids and not leave them as broken as they’ve tried to leave me. Is that ridiculous or does that sound like something I can be Wishing on a Star for because honestly I don’t know at this point?

It’s the truth….It takes a village, even if that village is spread over the internet community.

Shaye

xoxo

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Don’t put off today, what you may not get to do tomorrow

My friend Tony wrote these incredibly touching words on why you shouldn’t put off I love you’s. Why saying goodbye comes way to fast and why you should always let those near and dear to you know that they have a place in your heart.

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I wanted to share something very important that we should all take to heart.  In this life all you have is your loved ones and your memories, and I finally realized after all these years you have to take advantage of them whenever you can.

There may not be a next fishing trip, the next cruise, the next family get together. I have buried more friends young than I have been to weddings, two this year that started seemingly innocent as a cold.  So don’t take for granted that there will be a next time, don’t let it get to “it’s been far too long” because you never know when too long will become too late.

Don’t be afraid to take that trip, spend the money, do something out of your comfort zone because that’s where our best memories come from.  Nobody talks about how awesome it was to sit home alone instead of making memories and I have made that mistake all too many times myself.  Don’t be afraid to tell your friends you love them, that they mean something to you.

Spend the money, spend your time, make things happen with the people you care about.  Don’t let the excuses, the laziness, the long drive, the lack of funds, the easy way out rob you of your life experiences.  Money isnt the end goal of our lives, that’s not why we work, its a tool to be used to manifest the life you want to live.  Go out and do it because there’s no guarantee there will be a next time.

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Thank you Tony, you have touch mine and many others hearts with your words

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A beautiful dream

It’s 4:22am and I just awoke from a beautiful dream. It took me a long time to fall asleep because my body did not want to shut itself down tonight at all. In fact, THE fact that I am typin this instead of moving foward in the dream is a fact that my body just doesn’t want me to rest tonight. Now the reason this dream was so beautiful was because of it’s clarity, it;s wholeness and it’s honesty. It made me feel alive an that is a stupendous feeling.

I was in the bleachers after a game and everyone was there ribbing on a friend of ours. He called me over and he was drenched in sweat from the game. He gave me the biggest smile as he pulled me onto his lap and gently laced his fingers through mine. He looked me in the eyes and said

“Shaina we have known each other a long time now, right”

I merely noded, not knowing where this conversation was going. as his other hand danced across my wait pulling me tighter on his lap he shifted so he was looking into my eyes and said

“I want you to come with me to the banquet tonight, as my date, maybe it’s time to give us a try”.

Gobsmacked I merely nodded and he laughed and kissed me on the forehead telling me something about going to the locker room so he could shower and feel human again. He showed up at my door at precicely 7:15pm

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It’s days like these…(I wish)

…I wish you never came back into my life at all. I wish that those pokes never turned into emails and never turned into phone calls or more. I wish you hadn’t showed up at my front door when I needed you the most and still smelled like home. I wish you had never met the kids who quickly stole your heart and became your own. It’s days like these that I wish I never let them call you daddy, at least not as fast as I did because you/we made them promises that are now broken and shattered all over the floor. It’s days like these that I wish I never said I loved you so fast, it doesn’t matter that I meant it, it matters because I did it too fast and I couldn’t give you what you needed from me. It’s days like these that I wish I had told you the truth no matter how scared I was of the outcome. I wish I had let ou walk out that door so much sooner because maybe you would have come back and we would have worked on things for real or maybe you wouldn’t and we wouldn’t hurt so much right now.I wish I didn’t believe handfasting tied two souls together. I wish handfasting didn’t mean more than marriage to me. I wish that I had my best friend back. It’s days like these I wish you would have OPENED YOUR MOUTH and told me to go back to a program, to fix me, to fix us. I wish I had a heart that could turn people away, I would have never let things get as bad as they did. It’s days like these I wish that our daughter had been full term and not just a wish on the wind. It’s days like these I wish we hadn’t been cowards about talking things out. I wish we HAD FOUGHT FOR US. But we never really did, did we? It’s days like these I wish I…..I just wish…..But wishes are broken and promises are too. Because no matter what anyone says…Noone keeps all their promises.

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It’s days like these…(I hate)

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…that I hate that you refused to fight anymore. That I hate that you walled off your heart and moved on. That you can tell someone else you love them and hide behind that and no be my friend. I hate that you promised me forever. I hate you promised the kids forever. It’s days like these that I hate that I gave into what I knew I wasn’t ready for. I hate that I loved you so much I could say no. I hate that I can’t unloved you. I hate that you are our sons person but I’m the one in the waiting room holding back tears because you can’t be here with me. It’s days like these that I hate that you held it all in and then threw it all in my face. I hate that I lied because I was scared to tell the truth. I hate that the truth burned me so nadly. It’s days like these I hate that you left them, not me them. I hate that his dark thoughts got worse, you are 10 minutes away but I have to rock him to sleep. Alone. You left me alone. You took the easy way out. And you can’t talk to me. I’ve healed so much and you are the scar that won’t close be a use I loved you so hard I can’t hate you. AND It’s Days Like THIS THAT I Hate that. A single mom strong and true thanks to you.

But life sucks without you because as much as you say you are, you aren’t really there.

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You can’t kill all the players…

…just because they are dumb. Granted, he didn’t want to kill all the players, he usually just wanted to let them die for being dumb. Steve was the man, the myth and the legend. His stories were classic and if you even think about them you can hear him laughing in your head. He usually made you feel like the king of the world and the biggest mook of your entire life. This gif is something he said to me once at a party and I laugh because I am sure he said it to more than one person before he broke into a grin and clapped them on the back with his big hands.
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I knew him from 2002 and we weren’t the best of friends, hell he wasn’t even someone I kept in touch with other than at game, but he was part of my family. When I saw him there was a hug, a laugh, a lewd comment and an actual curiosity on how I was doing. He always asked about my life, my sex life, my kids and we usually fell back into conversations about the old days. You just had to give him one topic and he could talk for hours. He was one of the kindest dirtiest old men I knew. I only call him a Dirty Old Man because well he was older than me.

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Steve was too young to leave this earth, but I guess that he was shooting for the head of world plot again. Now he and Keith are sitting up there and Keith is talking and Steve is shaking his fist at us and Keith. And if there is humor up there where ever he is, then he is stuck with cardboard wings cursing the fact that he took the name Glacier.

You are love Steve Franks. You are and will always be in our hearts and minds.

Sparkle Thoughts

Shaye

xoxo

“Wood elves, they taste like chicken nuggets.” –Steven Franks

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Today is the day

What day you ask? Because I know you do…Although that could just be me thinking about me. But that is okay today. Because today is the day I come up with a plan. Short term and long term goals. I think it is also going to be the day I tell certain people to screw off, with a smile. Today is the day I decided it is time to make my own decisions and start living my life again. I promise I have a plan. But for now just let me say

 

 

GOOD MORNING NEVERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve Never Had a Broken Heart…

…Until now

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past two days. those silent angry tears and then those sobbing loudly and not being able to say a word tear.s I felt my heart turn to glass and shatter to the ground beneath me. I felt my soul rip in two. And then after the tears settled and my little brother swooped into the rescue I am now numb.

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Not totally numb, not numb like I can’t feel. Numb like I can feel but I don’t want to. The tears still glisten on my cheeks when I read certain things. I am pretty sure his voice would paralyze me. And seeing him would tear me to shreds all over again. But I will be ok.

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I will be ok because I have to be ok. I have to be ok firstly for myself. I need to regroup and refind myself. I don’t know who that person is. I don’t know if I ever really had a chance to find her. I have been so any other people that I don’t know how many of then have really been truly me. Except the me that I was when I was with you. You got to see the real me. Because I never felt the need to hide her from you. But now I have to find her again.

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I will be ok because of my kiddos. I have to show them what a strong mommy they have. I have to show them what being a single parent is about. I have to be ok because they take their cues from me and I am going to be the one to show them what the world is like. I have to show them that no matter what the circumstance is, they can overcome it.

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I have never truly felt heartbreak until you broke my heart. But I am not mad at you for it. I will never hate you for it. Though loving you for it is a little off the deep end even for me. I will always love you and that part of my heart will always be yours. Will I be alone forever, no I will always have the two beautiful children that I love and cherish so much by my side. And I promise you are always invited on wrestling nights.

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Shaye

xoxo

Driving Away from Me

A title that has two very different meanings doesn’t it. It holds both my fondest memories and my most solemn ones.

In fact the reason I am writing this is because of both happening in the span of a year, both happening in the span of yet an evening. Not this evening, but maybe it was.

Let’s go with free thinking since wordplay is hard after an afternoon in the ER. (not long story just a rough day and remarkably last year today was a rough day too. today was less painful, though…ish)

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I remember

I remember the day you came into my life

Well into my life again

I remember the scent of your clothes

Warmth of your arms

Even the taste of your mouth on mine

But the most I remember about that day was you driving away

It was early or late depending on how you looked at it

It was time for work and I couldn’t convince you to stay

so with a promise of soon and one last kiss you walked to your car and I watched

I watched you as you looked up at me and waved

I watched you pull the corner and turn

I watched you drive away

the promise of tomorrow bestowed upon my skin in your scent

that had marked my body in the most peaceful sleep I had had in so long

I always watched, always waited, learned the tire sounds, the sound of your alarm beep

I always knew when you were here or when you had to leave

My heart always skipped a beat, though maybe I didn’t tell you enough times

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and now

and now those days are a bittersweet memory

I still watch you leave

I watch you pull off in that same car

And sometimes I wave until you ar out of sight

But these days your scent doesn’t linger

And instead of a smile left on my cheek, there is a tear

Because I know not yet of promises that are waiting

If there are any left at all

Because I am not sure what tomorrow brings

Though I know I am strong enough to face it

I know I don’t want to watch you drive away

one last time

 

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Baby I’m Worth It

I know I know…..Gasp….A Morning post! and…Double Gasp…A POSITIVE non-melodramatic morning post! I had a really rough day yesterday after it was all over I thought throwing myself into bed would just fail terribly. I don’t know what happened while I slept, other than sleep (obviously) but I woke up to my morning alarm. Hence the title of this whole bloggy thing. But I woke up clearer in my brain, my heart, my soul and my spirit.

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The girl down inside has started to wake up again. The girl inside that few people know. That girl is starting to stretch her wings and you know what I’m happy. Because I missed that girl. I missed her smile. Her tenacity. Her independence. Her freedom. I missed the feeling of feeling. So watch out world! Because someday soon I am going to start to try defying gravity *winks*

Have a fabulous day

Shaye

xoxo

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