I start this with the classic words of a song known to most 90’s kids. Yet I look up the definition of irony and unless she was going for the synonym of sarcasm…this song miserably failed…
And if you can follow my thinking (which most people can’t , it’s ok) I think about the Leo and Claire version of Romeo and Juliet. Now it was two houses devided, I would envision myself as the fabulous Mercutio, but I’m more than like Paul Rudd in the astronaut costume (yes it was him, imdb it if you don’t believe).
So a love fast and true being split by two house trouble (now I’m the houses). Only, death shall bring together, but neither shall take the poison or dagger because the houses miraculously come to some conclusion because they were raised up with Jewish guilt. (Yes I totally changed the ending).
I am torn my lovlies. Part of me loves him so much to break my steadfast rule (which I’ve learned in group, it’s ok to set boundaries and say no),the snarky part of me wants to walk up and say “Shoes on the other foot now Cinderella, how does it feel?!”.
I am trying to be mindful and let the snarky parts float away like balloons. (I loathe minfulness). But both are now feeling the agony I have felt for weeks (insert Chris Pine singing Agony…makes it better)
It’s a double edged blade really. Either way it cuts. And in the long term who knows what’s going to happpen. So do I bite my thumb at thee? Or do I go out in full glamourus style?
Good night and sweet dreams my lovlies
I appreciate the anger and rage. I appreciate the protective wall you have formed around me. I appreciate that you care. But I am ok. I am strong. I am trying to be zen. I have my kids to protect. I have my own part of the blame. But I am strong….I have to be. I want to be. I will be. As for Charming, you don’t know him like I do.
You don’t know him like I do
There have been arguments and tears. There have been hurt feelings on both sides. It was a rocky road that I thought we could make it over together and come out stronger. Fate had a different plan. I could be snarky, I could be angry,& I could be sad.
Sometimes I am all of those things, as I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, I feel emotions that I have never felt before. I feel betrayed, I feel manipulated, I feel like I want to go out and scream till my voice is raw and I have no more tears left in my eyes.
But I have to swallow my emotions because I have to be strong. I have to be strong for our children, I have to be strong for me and I have to be strong for you. The reason I have to be strong for you is because I know this is hard and being just friends is hard, but as you said we will get there one day.
I want for you happiness and joy. I want to see you smile
I want for you relaxation and a simple life. No complications or drama.
I want for you to honor Mom and be a simple man. To find that kind of love.
I want for you a child of your own. For you deserve to have that experiance.
I wish I could give you these things. I wish I hadn’t done what I had done and screwed up our chances of forever. I wish I could simplify myself for you. Right now I’m just trying to understand me. But all will work itself out in the end. It is what it is right? I want for you to be happy. I want that for our children and myself too.
Dated December 21st 2015
My Sweet Benjamin Gray,
We did it!!!! We made it through a year of trials and tribulations. So many smiles and laughter (there are some tears too). You may be wondering why this note is being given to you almost two months after our anniversary. Well I have things to say to you,that have to be saved for our second Valentine’s Day together. Years ago you promised you’d always find me, you stayed true to that and here we are today. Planning a life, a family and writing or sorry. You have made me so happy. I am the luckiest girl in the world. You are the most amazing man I have ever met. You are the best Daddy have ever seen, our kids are amazing and I can’t wait till my belly is swollen with another of our babies. You are my exstasis, my world, my soulmate, my partner in crime, my Prince Charming and my best friend. I know it’s a little unconventional, but I love you to pluto and back.
*Gets down on one knee with a watch box holding a Deadpool watch in it*
Will you marry me????
But the note folded like a teenager in school is now ash and smoke. The watch given to him by someone else. A proposal never heard, maybe somethings are better written and left unsaid.
I should’ve told you so long ago that I didn’t know how to love you. You should’ve told me I need more help than just a therapist. Should’ve told you that would have moved the world hour you. You should’ve told me I was breaking your heart painfully. Should have told you that I didn’t know how to be totally honest. You shouldn’t have broken your word that you would stand by me no matter what. I shouldn’t have opened the door to more than just us. You should have slammed it when it started to seem like it was hurting us more. I promised to try and I will be successful because it means that I will healthy. Will you be there at the finish line to spin me around and tell me your proud of me?
You treated him like shit when you were together!
I did? The whole time? I wasn’t perfect by any means. I did a lot of shitty things but….
I remember laughter and movies, handfasting and pictures, walks and resturants. I remember nit wanting to wait till I was in his arms again. I remember watching him sleep and singing to him while he did, I remember charming and snow. I remember us….
I remember proposals and forevers, pictures and dancing in the aisles if stores…
I remember it all….
I didn’t know how to love him the way he should have been loved. I didn’t know how much I could give, but he stuck through it. I lied when he told me that was his hot button….I was a fool
It wasn’t supposed to end like this
This was the ending owe were supposed to have
Listen to On the road by Shaina Abbs #np on #SoundCloud
I should have never lied
I should have spoke the truth
I should have never thought that a lie would make you happy
I should have trusted in your faith in me
I should have told you how I felt
I should have shown you I didn’t understand
I should have listened more
I should have let my guard down
I should have reached for you more
I should have turned my phone off
I should have leaned on you
I should have gotten help sooner
I should have tried to understand what you were saying
I should have told you I didn’t understand
I should have listened more and talked less
I should have realized what being loved meant
I should have shown you how much you meant to me
I should have not sought validation elsewhere
I should have let myself be myself
I should have tried to see it through your eyes
I should have let you love me
I used to watch you sleep at night and sometimes in the wee hours of the morning
I used to sing to you while you were sleeping
I used to run my fingertips over your skin
I used to count your freckles
I used to plan our future and whisper it into your dreams
I used to try and tousle your too short hair
I used to place my hands over my belly and imagine what it would be like to be swollen with your child
I used to be completely stunned at tge fact I was with you no matter what time of day it was
I used to talk to everyone about you
I used to dream about our future
I used to know that we were forever
I used to know…