Monthly Archives: December 2015


They say that old habits die hard. And that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I bought into these theories until I realized that…Well they weren’t true.


Thinking about it now, it’s 6am-ish, the whole house is sleeping except me. I went to bed around 2am. I am, for the most part, alert and able to function semi normally. On 4 hours of sleep, which if I looked at my fitbit app would probably tell most of it was restless, I am of sound mind and body to do things normal people do at normal times.(ie. Pick up meds, head to work, go for a jog). But if I were to lay my head down right now and fall back asleep, if I woke with Charming ‘ alarm in an hour, I would not be able to function for quite a few.

Now that I’ve gotten through that train of thought let’s try another one, shall we? The whole point of this blog was to get me on the path to actually putting out my book, now granted I have  started 4 different projects, came up with a bunch of creative ventures I think would be write up my ally, I still struggle with this book thing. And I think it had all to do with my habits.


I love to start projects, but if I can’t see where they are going I can’t finish them,  for example I wrote a piece on depression I want to submit to elephant journal. I got some great tips from a gal who writes for them. Incorporated those changes in my brain (and may or may not have stick a quote from Cool Runnings in there) but have not physically changed it yet. I have a list of topics I would love to share but I just…haven’t gotten there. I finally found my muse with a story I believe in, one written in a notebook with a pencil but because of winter break and dealing with life…it’s sat at my tea table of writingness for days pouting at me.

Now, I can sit here and tell you I’m lazy and most people would agree that i have that streak. But others, ones that knoe me best will tell you I’m habitually scattered, derailed, manic even. Some will say it’s the depression and I will tell you it’s all of the above. But I’ll fill you in on something else. I am habitually the Cowardly Lion that lives in Oz. More often then not I don’t think I can do it as well or better that I should.


And a narcissist being a coward is more common than you think. Which brings me to my next point. I am NOT a habitual narcissist. I happen to be one everyday. It’s weird and screwed up and I have tons of things I will ok one day write about it, but just know that all you think or read about someone with that diagnosis isn’t always all true…and it fucking hurts.

I habitually hurt people and I don’t mean to. I’d blame the borderline, but Marcia Linehan would say that’s not very dialect of me….and for all you BPD out there that found that funny…you’re welcome.


This post took itself in places I am not sure I was going for, but it’s 650am and Charming has an alarm that will go off soon enough. I get to spend the day with the Yang to my Grey and the Pixie.

The great part is I get to just be me. No hiding, no mask, just me. But I have to leave the house….I don’t like doing that anymore….and that’s a habit I need to break.

Till next time lovelies

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Back to the blogging world

I have been unually quiet lately, nothing to do with anything except for me being a shut in. I’ve facebooked, which you should all follow me on because my FB on have 62 followers and makes me a sad panda. No really, it’s just easier to ramble on FB when I am not where my computer is.

Granted I haven’t had much time for rambling, my brain has been too preoccupied with other things. Like the fact that this morning I woke up with a face full of chocolate, my hair full of chocolate, surrounded by truffle wrappers and in need of a huge glass of milk.

No but really, sick kiddos, broken Charming, and I have this program on that is supposed to be funy but she is really  not that hilarious, I am just not in the mood. Yesterday we did an almost 8 hour round trip to nyc to see my mother and that part of my family. That means Mom, her so, brother and his wifey and her folkd and other little brother. The kids were so overwhelmed with presents that I thought they were going to fall apart all over again. Little man started to stim while staring at the yule long and TV and Pixie kept random crying.

Christmas morning however, left me in tears. A family Christmas, for the first time ever. We all laughed and loved our gifts but most of all enjoying being with eachother. Unfortunatly on our way home from NYC only having an hour and a half of sleep and getting up at 530am did not o us well. Charming as wonderfully careful and got us all home safe.

This chick is seriously trying to ne margeret cho and it is pising me off.

Changed it to a documentary about murder, now I feel better.Is it weird I like true crime drama because a lot of people seem to think it’s weird

Is it weird I like true crime drama because a lot of people seem to think it’s weird. I have a thing for true crime, I love knwing what happened, I love knowing who dun it and wy. I a psychologically major. I love getting into peoles heads.

I think that is sometimes why people think that I am either not listening or don’t care. Because I am snalysing them or trying to figure out what is going in. …

This is probably the eng of the blog because no I am wrapped up in murder…atching it ot commiting it sillies (bt really I don’t feel good and I think I brought something home from my mothers house. I promise pictures and stories later.

My bubble of solitude


The screen on that big shiny screen keeps flickering. I glance across the room at my laptop and sigh.
I should get up, my word could change the world.
My heart wants me to get up, and finish one of those pieces I’ve started.
I WANT to get up. I SWEAR I do…but I can’t.

I was always told that there was no such word as can’t, I have my doubts at 32 that my mom was right about that.

It takes me 10 minutes to shift into an upright position. Pain shooting up both legs from my knees when I stand. And of course there are the tears.

Just push through it they say. I tell them to shove it. You try being a Spoonie. A Spoonie just diagnosed with Fibro. A Spoonie who has two kids who help and worry about more that what’s possible…But I’ve gone off on s tagent.

I’m blocked from writing, because my mind is everywhere. I have 5 projects I’ve started and not finishd. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is sick too so who am I to take for granted our time. I have 2 kiddos that I want to spend all the world with.

But selfishly…I want time alone. Time alone to dream. To imagine. To get inpired. To be an inspiration. I have that 8 hours a day, well i did till the plague hit us.

Yet, the computer will still be untouched. Because of life.
Of bills.
Of school.
Because I can’t crawl out of my nest of dispair.

I’m determined. I swear I am…my story needs to be told and I will find a way to tell it.

For those who don’t follow me on Facebook

I realize sometimes I can get quite chatty there and a lot if you I don’t see there, so I have included the link at the bottom.


I’ve been planning on write tons of things. Filling you in on the opposite side of Narcissism, explain the non grey area of my brain, talk about the struggle of my depression and of course spread dome glittery chatter throughout. Specially since I have a new journey coming up!

But I haven’t been able to. I have no reasons other that lately I feel as if Eeyore has lost his tail.


I’m trying. I really am. I just need something…..


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Keep knocking

Death stop knocking
We’ve done this dance before
I’ve looked beyond the other side
And refuse to open the door

You’ve looked into my eyes before
And seemed to like what you see
Now everytime there’s a reflection
You’re staring back at me

At 9 you waited till I was asleep
Lovingly rubbing my head
But I heard you curse as I awoke
Too young to reap instead

At 13 I opened arms wide to you
As each pill went slowly down
And as I awoke from that disaster
I cried that you were not around

I flirted the line
Played with the fire
Time and time again
But a deaf ear
Was turned to me
By my closest personal friend

Then I saw you again
And begged you to go away
Leave my darling angel  alone
In my belly she should stay

You took my precious angel
Ran your fingers through my hair
Changed my heart forever
Pain too much to bare

I grew the strength to push you away
I believed you wouldn’t return
But you came to dance again
Another angel did you yearn

I healed the wrong way from that blow you dealt
Destroying myself as I went
And now I can’t reverse te hands of time
I’m scared my life is spent

So I hear you knocking at my door
Requesting my hand once more
And I lay here in the couch
Wondering if I could even cross the floor

The pain gets worse as the days go on
I do not want to die
But I can not do much on my own
Even thought I try

There has to be a better dance
I need to learn the steps
But right now I can’t move anymore
The pounds I’ve gained
Won’t make up for the times I’ve wept

Tis high time for a HUGE giveaway

I think I am going to run a contest. I have so many loyal readers (both subscribed to my blog, twitter and in here) that I think it is beyond time for me told hold a contest of sorts*. As I  have not the capita to put out my own brand of snarky sparkly shebang yet….I do have many many things from some of the best authors I have ever crossed paths with. I have totes and buttons and bracelets and masks and even signed books *le gasp*

So here is what you have to do:

<a href="a Rafflecopter giveaway“>ABSOFUCKINLUTELY AWESOME GIVEAWAY


It’s THAT time of the year again!!!

The time of the year where people get so PC that anything and everything angers them. The time where everyone scrambles for extra money to but gifts for people that aren’t going to buy gifts for them.


Well, this is not a post about that, this is a post about something different.

This is about spirituality. No I won’t rant on about what’s best and what not, I just have a cute story.

Growing up, my parents had me in s yeshiva until I was in the 7th grade, so I was raised learning all and everything about being bullied and the Jewish religion and culture. During this time, we celebrated the commercialized version of the Christian holidays because my Father is a WASP. My Grammie taught me more than anyone else because is devout. So there you go, two huge religious cultures in my growing up processes. In the summers I went to a camp emerged totally in Jewish culture and those were the best days of my life (no joke…years later I went back to be a counselor there. A few years after the camp shut down for good. It still hurts my heart)


So my young life was 2 major religions, then I hit public school…other than being she’ll shocked, I learned about music and art and religion and cultures I never knew. My knowledge expanded as I went through HS, met some of my closest friends and became an adult. Though on my hospital records it still says Jewish. (If I die though I can’t be buried in s Jewish cemetery because I have tattoos.


So now I consider myself spiritual, I believe in the world, I love immersing myself in learning. I love religion and speaking to people. I believe in faeries, elements and energies. I believe in fate, miracles and destiny. I believe in culture and what religion was founded on.
I believe in my children knowing everything and making their own choices.



So with that…

Little man asked me the other night to say Grace before the meal. He Saud he knew we didn’t do it like Nanny did (who is Christian) but did I know how to do it.

I froze. Stared at him for a moment and then started laughing. The perplexed look of my families aside I said yes and that I would teach it to him.

Eventually I’ll do it on cam for you, so this is how it goes.

Hamotzi lechem mean ha aretz
We give thanks to God for bread
Our voices rise in song together
As our joyful prayer is said
Baruch ata Adonai
Elohaynu melech ha olam

Hamotzi lechem mean ha aretz

Ah aaaah men!

That’s how we did it at camp. It has a tune and so many amazing memories behind it. Now if I can only remember the prayer afterward.


My take on the world can be summed up in this quote – “When are you people going to learn? It’s not about who’s right or wrong. No denomination’s nailed it yet, because they’re all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn’t matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up” – Serendipity

So there you have it. How do you feel?

So many sparkles