I know there are a lot of shaming words in the vernacular today: Body Shaming, Slut Shaming, Fat Shaming, Thin Shaming and on and on and on….But is there such a word as Sex Shaming
Tis not in the same category of the rest as it has to to with a verb and not a noun. An action and not a thing. It’s something I have been wondering for quite some time now. As someone labeled borderline, it is true that I see things as black and white, not really many shades of gray in my mind. I yearn to feel or I feel too much. I push everyone away or I am terrified about losing them. I validate myself or at least used to by being overtly sexual as opposed to going and drinking or stealing or other things that people do to seek validation in such times.
So back on track, sex shaming. Now, there are multitudes of times that I have heard from others and myself (obviously that they have been shamed into having sex). Shamed by phrases like, “Well I guess I’ll just look at porn” or “I guess I’ll just stroke it myself because you won’t touch it”. Now I may only have my associates in psych, but in my outpatient lowly associates opinion…That sounds like shaming to me.
I am not overtly sexual and yet I am overtly sexual. Apparently I flirt with everyone I see, but I guess I have always been that way. Selling my cuteness for favors, for a chance to survive in the outside world. Not that I think I am cute because I really don’t. (that’s for a whole other article) I have just been an over charismatic, big boobed flirt…
Off topic again, What kills me is that in so many instances and so many times, the chance to have sex has come up and it just doesn’t feel right. Or it is just not wanted. There come the shades of grey. Do you turn around and do something you don’t want to do if it pleases someone else? If you know you will eventually get into it? DO you wake up to it, knowing that it started before you were ready, because you deem that apropos? Because YOU know that is the only time you don’t body shame yourself?
It’s the little comments that hurt, the ones that are said under breath, the ones in whispers, that you “aren’t” supposed to hear. Those ones that are said when you raise an eyebrow at the raw vulgarity of a statement, the ones said when you just aren’t ready, you don’t want it or you want to go slow. The ones said when they know you still have triggers and that you still are trying to work through them and don’t know how to explain them. The ones said after you’ve gone with it, gotten into it and you feel at fault for it did not end the way it should have. Or worst of all…the days you have no control over because your medication just makes you feel like a zombie.
You mention the words, angry words fly off the handle when you bring it up, so you try to bring it up in a different way but still it leaves feelings hurt and the accusations that you are being distant. And there is always a remark, offhanded, never apologized for, that you talk to other people, that you used to talk to other people.
And as much as you proclaim your innocence and they say they believe you and trust you, you suspect that because of their past, they really don’t. Put that with your past and subconsciously they just can’t believe that you are their be all end all. Just because you ‘re who you are doesn’t mean that all of you isn’t invested in them.
There we go. Sex shaming. What are your thoughts?