Monthly Archives: November 2015

An Honest to Goodness Update

My life has been beyond chaotic in the past month. Between the joys of bring a spoonie AND having pneumonia….added to the bed rest and not being able to drive. I have been cranky.

I have started and stopped writing numerous times over. I have to finish the piece I’m working on now. I’ll try. Maybe.

Other than that….there have been sick kiddos, my man’s birthday and my first turkey day without the kiddos.

Turkey turned into meatloaf and mashed potatoes and it was a very emotional night.

I’ve slept horribly, my mother cane up to bring finite and judge me. She’s gone now. Oh and my crown off one of my front teeth so I won’t leave the house. ..good thing I can’t anyway.

That’s all I hot..m very mundane I know

Shaye
Xoxo

Once Upon a December

The Dwarven cleaning song from The Hobbit makes me miss Equinox, Laire and yes even 7k. I miss the songs, the laughter. I miss the comradarie, the family, the exhilaration of feeling like you’ve done something to change the world on a large scale.

I miss the kinship we had, through everything both in and out of character. Those we lost on the battlefield and those we lost to a more known deity. We knew who we thought we were, at least who we wanted to be.

But that was years ago, before time took its toll on our lives. We grew up, grew apart, grew roots. We started our own families, we had more responsibility, we put away our childish things. We stood up, took it on the chin and every so often wondered how it got so hard to make new friends, or maybe, how did it get so easy to lose touch with our old ones?

So for those of you out there be it still with me or passed, in touch or out of reach, a hopskipandajump or a long treacherous journey away; know that I’m here and you have never and will never be forgotten.

“Home is behind the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadow to the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight.

Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall fade” – Pippin’s Song LotR

Selling my Services to Survive

Yes, being overly dramatic or not dramatic at all actually. I am sitting here pondering how, I have pneumonia, spent all my monies on meds and now I need to figure out how to supplement income by selling my services across the interwebs in order to make other people’s lives easier and make some easy money…

Now stop, STOP…befor your brain goes there. By services, I meant authoring, editing, therapy-ing, writing fun little jingles and so many more things. But where do yu go that you know is not a scam? Where do you go that people won’t take advantage of you? How do you make things work when you don’t know what to begin?

Do you know the answers?

Shaye

xo

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If you leave a girl to laundry

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If you leave a girl to laundry
(Because you put your work clothes in the washer and fell asleep)

She’s going to play Candy Crush to keep her very medicated brain awake.

And while she plays said game, she is going to watch Hannibal.

Which will inevitably make her hungry. So she will go into the kitchen to get a glass of milk.

When she gets in the kitchen, she will realize it is time to switch the laundry.

Which will make her wince because her lungs are trying to claw their way from her body.

When the laundry is switched she will realize that she needs a sandwich to go with her milk.

As she bites into er sandwich she realizes it is oozy and sticky like blood. So she must change the movie.

She wonders why hot sheriff from Eureka is in a maytag commercial.

She proceeds to make a mess, and still has to wait for laundry.

Which is fine, because she still has a huge glass of milk.

…and has to wait for laundry

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Borderline Personality Disorder meets…Sex Shaming?

I know there are a lot of shaming words in the vernacular today: Body Shaming, Slut Shaming, Fat Shaming, Thin Shaming and on and on and on….But is there such a word as Sex Shaming

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Tis not in the same category of the rest as it has to to with a verb and not a noun. An action and not a thing. It’s something I have been wondering for quite some time now. As someone labeled borderline, it is true that I see things as black and white, not really many shades of gray in my mind. I yearn to feel or I feel too much. I push everyone away or I am terrified about losing them. I validate myself or at least used to by being overtly sexual as opposed to going and drinking or stealing or other things that people do to seek validation in such times.

So back on track, sex shaming. Now, there are multitudes of times that I have heard from others and myself (obviously that they have been shamed into having sex). Shamed by phrases like, “Well I guess I’ll just look at porn” or “I guess I’ll just stroke it myself because you won’t touch it”. Now I may only have my associates in psych, but in my outpatient lowly associates opinion…That sounds like shaming to me.

I am not overtly sexual and yet I am overtly sexual. Apparently I flirt with everyone I see, but I guess I have always been that way. Selling my cuteness for favors, for a chance to survive in the outside world. Not that I think I am cute because I really don’t. (that’s for a whole other article) I have just been an over charismatic, big boobed flirt…

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Off topic again, What kills me is that in so many instances and so many times, the chance to have sex has come up and it just doesn’t feel right. Or it is just not wanted. There come the shades of grey. Do you turn around and do something you don’t want to do if it pleases someone else? If you know you will eventually get into it? DO you wake up to it, knowing that it started before you were ready, because you deem that apropos? Because YOU know that is the only time you don’t body shame yourself?

It’s the little comments that hurt, the ones that are said under breath, the ones in whispers, that you “aren’t” supposed to hear. Those ones that are said when you raise an eyebrow at the raw vulgarity of a statement, the ones said when you just aren’t ready, you don’t want it or you want to go slow. The ones said when they know you still have triggers and that you still are trying to work through them and don’t know how to explain them. The ones said after you’ve gone with it, gotten into it and you feel at fault for it did not end the way it should have. Or worst of all…the days you have no control over because your medication just makes you feel like a zombie.

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You mention the words, angry words fly off the handle when you bring it up, so you try to bring it up in a different way but still it leaves feelings hurt and the accusations that you are being distant. And there is always a remark, offhanded, never apologized for, that you talk to other people, that you used to talk to other people.

And as much as you proclaim your innocence and they say they believe you and trust you, you suspect that because of their past, they really don’t. Put that with your past and subconsciously they just can’t believe that you are their be all end all. Just because you ‘re who you are doesn’t mean that all of you isn’t invested in them.

There we go. Sex shaming. What are your thoughts?

Shaye

xoxo

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Our True Colors?

I really liked this, maybe it was the lack of going outside or my love of autumn. Maybe it is honestly just because this song was dedicated to me by my best friend. Either way…it’s really god!

Mitch Teemley

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love to see the leaves change color in autumn, don’t you?

Except that it’s a myth. Leaves don’t change color.

My wife and I often walk in the woods. We’re blessed to live near Mount Airy Forest in Cincinnati, the oldest “urban forest” in the U.S., and what we’ve learned (as transplants from Southern California) is that those shimmery yellows, oranger-than-a-pumpkin oranges, and sunset reds are actually the leaves’ true colors.

And, oh, how beautiful they make the world!

All that green?  It’s just a cheery chlorophyll veneer. But when the cold “snaps,” the chlorophyll rushes down to hide amongst the roots, and the leaves’ true colors become visible. It’s then that we see how beautiful—and unique—each leaf truly is. Though, sadly, some are burnt by the sun, or turn bitter-brittle when the chlorophyll abandons them.

I pray that…

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33 things I should know by 32

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So towing the line of pneumonia I have realized a few bits of wisdom, in the midst of the breathing treatments and sleep I’m not getting.  33 things because you should always gave one for good luck right?

1. No matter how much you think you can be honest with a shrink who holds your weight in her hands…tell her what she wants to hear.
2. When you’re really sick and you tell your Mommy you want her soup she will tell you she would make it for you if you didn’t live so far away
3. You can always count on your friends…sometimes
4. Know that you would drop anything in the world for those you care for…but that doesn’t mean it’s reciprocal
5. Also know that sometimes it is
6. Never think that someone that has broken your heart can’t break it again…over and over again. Even if you tell yourself you won’t let them.
7. Know when the breathing gets tough, you still have to wash your own back
8. It sucks feeling alone in a world surrounded by those who love you
9. It’s ok to ask for love
10. It’s also ok go feel bad when you feel alone.
11. Sometimes, it takes being sick to realize what you really want in life.

I gave you 11. I am tired. And sick. And I have to just push through it. Because I’m a mommy and that’s what we do.

Fuck you pneumonia. I have kids…

Let’s see what tomorrow brings…

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